Thursday, October 15, 2009

SCARY Richard Scarry

As you bloggy folkz may remember, a month and a bit a go my family and I went to view my sister Smellody Melody's art show. I covered in a former blog post how vundervill it was and blah blah blah...but I forgot to mention one ting! Mi madre is a nanny for several families and will often share wit da youngun's tingz that I enjoyed when I was a little tot. Though most of the time the children aren't nearly as entertained with laundry baskets and listening to the Annie soundtrack as I was (snobz!), sometimes they are pacified with my childhood keepsakes.

Weeeeellllllz, while driving in my mom's minivan to Melody's show with my parentz and mah other hermana, I found an old children's book of mine hidden under the backseat. Mommy had shown the book (feat. ripped pagez and falling apart) to two of her [non]children and upon finding it in the car, I began to reminiscence and look through it. It was one of those Richard Scarry bookz that all of us wittle kids used to have. There's a bunch of animals in people clothes doing human shiz and being all cutesy. I lurrrved the ballz outta these books when I was younger, but now that I am older, I begin to realize how un poco extra├▒o some of the illustrationz are! Lemme share deeez tingz wiff you folkz:

So this book's theme revolved around different kinds of absurd and detrimental/disturbing automobiles. Take this coche para example! That cracked out bunny is for some reason driving a crocodile car [how do rabbits and crocz even correlate?!] and is so stoned that his stupid azz don't even see the poor little mouser that's about to be digestered! Vore Time Holiday!

I distinctly remember this car being my favo when was a little tot-and-a-half. Cute! And I lurrrrve eggz. Driving dis ting would be heavenly. Omlette. Central! But take some time to mull it over. A chicken (or sum kinda poultry) is driving it. Transpose this idea into the homo sapiens' world and it would be like if someone was driving around a car that was not only shaped like a large unborn fetus, but one that also dispensed abortion-babiez to the masses. So. NOT. Cute. ::VOMZ::

Gross! Richard Scarry apparently promotes unprotected, animalistic, unloving sex. VILEz! Going to a bathhouse is like putting a giant sign on your nalgaz that readz "I'm desperate and easy and have no respect for meaningful relationshitz!" Look @ the way that whorebunny is savoring his outdoor slutshower! Sick. I have crabz just from gazing @ dis pictura.

So dat's what happened to her empowered ass! Good ting that cholita mouser is coming to her rescue. Don't worry Amelia, take a lesson from Aaliyah: "If at first you don't succeeeed, dust yourself off and try again!"

That fox/she wolf/lesbiana lioness is probz headin' on over the the aforementioned bathhouse for a sexxxytime rubdown! At least he (and his phallic coche) came prepared. Good boi! Don't touch any of those mystery p33nz @ the gloryhole unless there are three rubberz capping dem off! Herpez can do some nasty tingz to ur lipz! [not that I should know!]

Gasoline isn't yellow...even in cartoon world! Is dis the R. Kelly service station? Remix to ignition (feat. golden showaz)?!

Here's a drunky pepaw bowling over twink after twink parking meter after parking meter! How violent! I lurrrve how Scarry didn't even try to tame down how abusive and terrifying this image is: "a frightened parking meter." I remember feeling so disturbed after seeing this picture that I felt it was my duty to apologize and pat parking meterz when I was out with my family. I got so many strange lookz and was ostracized from friendship because people thought I was crazzzzzycopterz! Tanx Scarry!

I would totally rubberneck the shit outta the highway if I saw a pileup this sexxxy and hardxxxcore! It's like an all-you-can-eat buffet [if you're Lindsay Lohan]. Num-Numz!

Here's the party bus that's goin' be shuttling my Puntabulous peepz and I when we go out Karaoking a noche proxima! Just kidderz! Buses cost $$$ and mah legz work just fine tank you berry much! Anywayz...this pic is uplifting and hopeful. I want the gay owl to be my boyfriend.

Finally, on the last page of the book, I thought that I would express mahself and draw my own dream car! As you can tell, I have a lot of talent [aka got borrred after half a minute]. P to da S, how effing cute is that cheese car?! YAY! Now where are Mowgli & Hermanita to nom-nom those little bastardz up so I can steal their derriciouz coche?!


hoteltuesday said...

LOL! Your car is beautiful.

goblinbox said...

Mmm, colorz.

Ray Avito said...

I almost fell over at George Michael exiting the bath house.

Poor Amelia!

john said...

"Is dis the R. Kelly service station?" made me laugh my a55 off!

The scary thing (tee hee) is that I used to read this same book to my niece and nephew when they were kidz and I was baby sitting. I think this may be the pickle or gold bug book. If it is, there is a pickle or gold bug on each page.

Tam said...

I never cared for Richard Scary, it seemed a bit too "out there" for me but now you've managed to take my distaste to a whole new level. Well done.

Have a blast tomorrow night.

Michelle M. said...

I love that episode of South Park. Bennigans!

Scarry books (or throwing a handful of Cheerios on the carpet) kept me sane when I was a preschool teacher.

And didn't Aaliyah die in an airplane crash? You insensitive, funny bastard.

Anonymous said...

Hahahahah! Great job Josh, I've been waiting for this post! The parking funny.

The crocodile car about to eat the little mouse...What's that?! I think Richard had some issues!


Milo said...

I used to love all those books when I was a child.

RYAN said...

HAAA! I lost my shit when I got to the bath house pic.

that's J-O-S-H said...

Tanx! It's so technologically advanced too! No wheelz & it's upside down! I was such a progressively thoughtful little totter!

Ray Avito: She's fine! I bet she just walked away with a few minor cuts, bruises and fatal head traumaz.

John: Yep! The goldbug was hiding on every page. I was gonna include a picture of the bug running out of his car after it was set on fire (probably by inner city gang warz), but I thought that it might be a little TOOOOOO deprecating to mah childhood.

Tam: Violence, drugz, unprotected wiener rubbingz...Richard Scarry is sick sick NASTY!

Michelle: You FED your students?! I would just throw Lincoln Logz @ them until they chut uh.

Ryan: I'm sure the folkz in the Bathhouse pic also lost their shit...but for a completely different reason.

David said...

Finally getting around to reading this. Too much goodness to comment on, but awesome post. I still love Richard Scarry, but I'll never look at his books the same.

Dave2 said...

You've kind of ruined my life with this entry... which I explain here.