Friday, October 30, 2009


I'm so festive! Love me! I thought that since I haven't done a Q+A! in about a month, that it would only be fitting to do one today [the dia antes de Helloween]. I am going out into the city tomorrow night wiff mah two best friendz from college, Xtina & Sam and while I lurrrve any excuse to walk around a city and be a lusherz, Helloween is always intimidating for me. It's all about the costume and every year I am in fear of dressing up as sumfing lame that everyone is going to tink is dumb and then I get rockz thrown @ me and am forced to drink gin all night [::VOMz::].

This year I thought about being Balloon Boy but now that no one givez two shitz about him anymore, I rejected that idea. I copped out and decided just to pull a few items I have together and be a cowboy. I know, I know...not original, but what the effz? I still have mah Pepaw cowboy hat and have yet to wear it out in public [probably for good reason]. While brainstorming lame tingz to be this year, I started getting all nostalgic on holidayz past and thought that dis was an appropriate time to answer the question...

What Was Your Best Halloween Costume?

I can guarantee that wearing my cowboy hat, a purple bandana, a flannel button-down and my snugly infamous 27-waist jean shorts [I'ma shameless lil' buckaroo] will hardly go down in history as mah greatest costume of all-time. I don't recall many of the costumez I paraded my azz around in throughout the yearz, but here are the get-upz I was able to find in my photo albums/FacingBook:

Phantom of the Opera: I know the pix is blurry as shit, so just chut uh and deal. This is me reaching out to the center stage-craving little drama slut inside of mahself and tinking I'm hawt shit. For serial...I was like 7 in dis picture. What 7 year-old dresses up as a famous Broadway character on Helloween? This one does, ladies and gentz. This one.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Butthole: I know I look like I'm dressed up as a burn victim who is about to go skiing, but I'm actually supposed to be one of those rAdiCaL y bOdAcIoUs ninja turtles. Those dudez were the shiz when I was younger so of course I dressed my pre-pubescent nalgaz up as one of dem for Helloween. Even though Leonardo was mah favo tortuga [his eye mask was blue and his weapon was an effing katana], but I assume every baby cholito wanted to be his ass so hence his costume was sold the fuzz I had to settle for Michaelangelo who was the annoying douche who was loud and ate too much. But heyz, at least I got his nunchuckz! Those tingz kicked ass. I wish I wasn't such a wuss back then though...I would have totez beaten bitches down to steal their caramel cremes. And if any grown-up hoz tried to give me apples (or worse, Mary Janez), I would have knocked their faces off. Oh, and please note how my sister is like a settler or sumfing. A mutant crime-fighting turtle and a Mayflower village person...trick 'n' treating together in harmony. It's so bootiful.

Dracula: I decided to go all Castlevania one year and hauntthe streets of Hopewell as a blood-sucking bat demon. My dad is awesome and got my spook makeup all done-up perfectly. He even put blood dripping down my fangz. I was the shit that year, to the point where I actually won best costume at the local little kid parade where we walk up the distance of one block while our parents take a million and one picturaz of us. It was the greatest award I have ever won. I tink only my destined Oscar win will be able to top it.

Tic-Tac-Toez: Much like dis year, I waited until the week before Helloween to really tink about my costume when I came up with this shit. This was last year so everyone was dressing up as political figurez and other borrring crap like that, so I was all lyke "What's the stupidest fucking pointless thing I can tink of?" And then I made my tic-tac-toe costume. And NO, IT ISN'T ACTUALLY A GAME YOU CAN PLAY, SO PLEASE STOP GRABBING AT MY BODY, RANDOM DRUNK STRANGAZ. This was me at mah all-time worst. Feel free to hate me.

But then you must be pondering..."Josh, your question was about your BEST costume of all time." And you are correct. I just wanted to build up some suspense before I shock you with the pure, unadulterated beauty that was the costume I wore the year I decided to be...

Paris Hilton

It was two yearz ago and mi hermana was having a big sexxxy Helloween fiesta at her apartment. She invited me and some of mis amigos from college as well as a plethora of her friendz that I had never met. So of course I wanted to make a good first impression with all of these peepz...soooooo I thought "TIME FOR CROSSDRESSING."

Luckyduckz for me, my housemate Sam had all the accessories I needed to be a beautiful young woman Paris Hilton. I wore this oddly well-fitting pink skirt, a mesh black top [feat. polka dot bra], Juicy Couture sockerz, a sassy trucka hat [positioned just slightly off to the side to be edgy] and an over-sized pair of sunniez. I looked effing sexxxerskatez [read as: like a hooker in desperate need of some cock & coke]. This was also the night that I realized how awesome purses are. Serial, us guyz got screwed. We have to carry our wallet/keyz/phone/gum/condamnz/rando so 'n' so in our pockets, while ladies get to tote around fashionable little bagz to put all that shit in. I lurrrved it!

I also was able to carry mah faux-Tinkerbell pupster in it as well! Cute Central!
The only tingz I had to purchase were the fake weave [$5 at the nearby Goodwill] and the croco-print zapatoz [$1.50 at the nearby Goodwill]. I had such a tiempo fantastico that night and I ended up winning Best Costume and scoring a whole bottle of Absolut as an award! Tank you, tank you! I then proceeded to grab mah booooobiez [read as: sockz in my bra] and make a sloppy mess of mahself via whore-dancing for the rest of the noche!

But enough about mah dopey azz. What are YOUR most memorable Helloween costumez? SHARE WITH ME YOUR MEMORIEZ! And then go out and have a great sloshy time tomorrow night and be sure to try your hardest to get dragged to hell.


Chris D. said...

I think you will make a very cute cowboy. Take lots of photos.

I have been the Phantom of the Opera, and a vampire before. I like capes. ;)

However my very best costume would have to be a Pirate. I wore that costume last year and it went over so well that I am wearing it again this year. I was quite a popular pirate. I went to a friend's party in NYC. I got hit on quite a bit. That made me feel unusually confident. I was actually a little flirty. I am not usually like that. I ended up meeting two cute guys and going dancing with them at Splash after the party. On the way home in Penn Station, I ran into an old acquaintance and he ended up hitting on me as well. I had never had so many men so interested in me in such a short period of time before. It was a fun night, and I felt good about myself.

I will be surprised if this Halloween comes close to last year. Perhaps no one will flirt with me, and I will feel lonely and undesirable and that will be the end of my Pirate costume kick. Whatever. Like any day, Halloween is what I make of it.

dcm said...

My personal favorite costume: the green Power Ranger. Oh hellz yeah I even had the battery-operated flute-a-ma-jigger that called up the dinosaur from the water.

Best costume: when I was 4 my grandparents dressed me up as a hobo. I won the costume contest at the clubhouse of our subdivision. People even gave me canned goods when I was trick-or-treating. Except what kid wants corn and rutabagas? s

Mel said...

Looking at that hat photo, I'm thinking maybe midnight cowboy might be the look to go for.

My best one ever was Edward Scissorhands. Especially since I braved a goddamned blizzard (I was in Minnesota) to get to the party.

Michelle M. said...

My best costume so far was Mommie Dearest. My most pitiful costume was when I was 8. I was supposed to be a daisy, but my mom couldn't figure out how to make the petals to go around my face, so she just wound some fake flowers around me. Lame. Especially since I wanted to be Wonder Woman that year.

This year I wanted to be an old gypsy, hand out buttons to trick or treaters and then DRAG THEM TO HELL.

Milo said...

LOL, love the Paris Hilton getup!

Oh, and "forced to drink gin all night [::VOMz::]" would suit me down to the ground as it's one of my favourite drinks.

Polt said...

I don't have any memories of what I dressed up as when I was a kid (and yes, they DID have Halloween back then). But for several years in the 90's, I went to a Halloween party in Harrisburg. The first year, I went as a vampire. But every year after that, I won best costume and got a bottle of wine. I went as a Jewish grandmother, the floor of a movie theater, a candle, and an underwear drawer. I think the floor of a movie theater was my favorite and the best.

And I don't think I've ever heard the word plethora AND Spanish words in the same sentence. You are truly a grammer wizard.

Oh, photos of the cowboy costume are mandatory, as is their posting here. We all want to see those size 27 jeans on your, I mean, the great inventive Halloween costume you'll come up with! yeah, that's it.


hoteltuesday said...

Purple hanky means you like piercings!

And no one is surprised by your Paris outfit cause we've all seen it a mil times.

And why does "whore-dancing" link to some old guy and Brit-Brit?

I remember being the Genie from Aladdin... And a power ranger! Maybe my fave was when I went as an obese zombie farmer one year! I stuffed mah clothes with pillows and my mom threw a frying pan at my head. I also liked my Mario costume from two years ago. What's bad about cool costumes is that you are NOT allowed to wear them twice (or the fashion police will kill you). But that's also the fun of it.... You can be that thing for one night only, one night only...

Mel: I LOVE Edward Scissorhands!!! PICS?!

Michelle: It probz no es posible to love u n-e more, but if you dressed up as the gypsy...

hoteltuesday said...

Oh yeah, and EFF this entry btw!!

Tam said...

Well, as you ago as a cowboy in assless chaps you will be pop-u-lar my friend.

I grew up somewhere that sub-freezing temps and a 6 inches of snow were not that uncommon on Halloween. I also lived in the country so when I was little someone's parent would drive us around to a few places where we'd get homemade treats because of course we knew everyone. Yes, my life was sad.

Then I went to University. Let the parties begin. I think my best was a cave woman. A friend and I went to the fabric store and bought some cheap animal print which we fashioned into slutty dresses then after we ate KFC for dinner we cleaned off the bones and washed them and put them in our hair. Then we went and drank our faces off. Oh the good times.

Tam said...

Forgot to say good luck Chris. It's those puffy pirate shirts. Sex-ay.

Tonight I get to be goth mom complete with red streaks and a lots of eye liner and black lipstick. Can't go to Rocky Horror sans costume.

Jere Keys said...

Maybe I'll see you wandering around the city tonight. (translation: text me so I can find you then point and laugh at your whoreish inebriated stumbling and not-a-real-costume-cowboy-costume)

that's J-O-S-H said...

Chris D.: Being a pirate is such a good idea. I could use sexxxy innuendos like "Walk the plank" and "shiver mah timberz, bitch."

DCM: Did it actually call up dinosaurs?!? That would be fucking sweet.

Mel: How the hell did you hold all yo drankz with scissor fingaz?

Michelle: Come to Enrico and I's house first please! We get first dibz on the dragging to hell business.

Milo: Gin = Totally NOT mah best amigo.

Poltergeizt: Floor of a movie theater? Did you stick dirrty popcorn to your face and carry around a screaming child all night?

E. Copterz: SUCH HOSTILITY MR. SASSY. Geebuz. It's a good ting I like you so much, cuz I was about to virtual slap your mug for that comment.

a) a mil timez or not, no one can ever get TOO many embarrassing glimpses of moi in a blonde [feat. filthy] wig.

b) look carefully at the bottom left of the whore-dancy photo.

c) SexxxyTime piercingz? I got purple cuz it was the only one I could find at the thrift store...aka Cheap City U.S.A.

Tam: Yay! Rocky Horror! Say hi to Meat Loaf para me.

Jere: You're more and more vicious every day, Mr. Keys! And I don't "wander," when I get lost. I like to do what I call the "Josh Shuffle" which basically meanz I get drunk, lose track of my friends and end up following rando groupz of peepz for half an hour before I realize that I have no clue who they are. Then I cry.

that's J-O-S-H said...

And E. Copterz: Have some respect...that "old man" is Jeebuz Christ, our lord and/or savior. He died for YOUR sinz.

Polt said...

Tam: going to Rocky Horror?! Sweet. i did that one year, only time I saw it in person. The college student who was playing Rocky (in the gold Speedo a size too small thank you very much) ran across the aisle I was sitting in! I actually copped a cheap feel...and so did the two girls and the other guy I was with!

And you wore actual KFC bones in your hair? BRILLIANT! :)


Jere Keys said...

Was I too vicious, let me try being sweet instead: if your (lame, oops) cowboy costume doesn't work out, I have about 5 old costumes (including the shirt + hat + eyepatch for a pirate outfit) in my closet. You could come visit and borrow something. And I'm not at all just offering just so you'll get part naked in my room trying stuff on.

goblinbox said...

Hi! *waves* Are we gonna run into y'all tonite? Huh? Huh?

Ray Avito said...

I saw "27-waist" and my glazed doughnut instantly looked less inviting.

I can't remember ever dressing for Halloween, although my normal bar uniform is pretty costumey...

Now I must go play Stars Are Blind.

FitzLikeaGlove said...

"What 7 year-old dresses up as a famous Broadway character on Helloween?"
... I was so the Phantom when I was younger. I think it was in third grade. (1995?) Fine, I wasn't 7, but 9 is close enough! I was Dracula a lot, too. Actually, I was him last night!!

Jere Keys said...

It finally dawned on me why your costume looked so familiar last night.

that's J-O-S-H said...

Jere, sometimez you are a comedic genius.

Tam said...

Funny Jere.

David said...

I've had a number of good ones:

Satyr complete with furry legs and panpipe. I've gone as Winter, Autumn, and my Underdog costume in college was pretty good one year. Of course, the Spartan from 300 will always rank up there. A couple group costumes were also faves: The cast of The Sound of Music, and people who didn't survive the Titanic.