Monday, October 26, 2009

My Monday Muse

Jill & her period-obsessed family

Puberty is the effing pitz. We all know it and we all hated it. Our bodiez get all fucked up, our voices start acting artarded, hair appears all over our no-nos while our no-nos start to act all silly. Pimple deluxe and emotional overload! HATEz. IT! But I tink about the difficultiez I've experienced as a man during puberty and I juxtapose it to what all the ladies of the world have to go through [researched heavily about on Wikipedia] and I realize I need to shut my stupid queer mouf and hug every woman I see! Holy shit galz, you gotz it rough! I grew up with two sistaz and I have only the utmost respect for them having to deal with all that bleeding crap while also having to put up wif me as a wittle brother. Trooperz!

And while I had to put up with goofy health class presentations on erections and foreskins and liquid dreams, none of those awkwardly intimate conversations with my gym teacher came even close to the videoz below. Not only do I feel bad for you bleeding every month [insert: that lame South Park joke that everyone always quotes] but I am soooo sorry if you had to deal with any after school health video that was at all disturbing as dis [be warned...it does get nasty in a few partz]:





Yeeeesssssh! OKAY Jill (feat. familia). We get it! The blood comes out from an opening between your legz. I could recite that in mah sleep after hearing it repeated so often. Every time they said that, my wiener cried out in confused pain! But it's not just that mantra that validates this family's front row seat to hell. Let's count the reasonz why this family is pure evil:

1. Animal abuse right from the get-go! "Mmmm...nice dog." ::peltz with bowling ball::

2. The mother's demonic pencil-browz and the sassy way she liftz them impatiently @ :40 (1st vid).

3. The little demon child (who is clearly only seven years-old and has a mental problem) is obsessed with bloody baginaz. Is she planning some sort of sangre sacrifice to Lucifer?! "Mom, do you have periods? Suzy, do you have periods? Does Miss Jones have periods?! Does Aunt Curl (?) have periods?! LET ME HARVEST YOUR IMPURITIEZ!!!" Sick, Jill. SICK.

4. Dad's overly comfortable nature about the whole incident. I'm not a prude in any shape or form, but if I walked into a room to find mi madre y hermanaz chatterboxing and was all like "What you hoz yapping about?" and then told me "Our bloody genitals," my gut reaction would not be to calmly sit down without a word and listen. If my mom spoke that candidly to me about the horrorz of postcum and the dangerz of overmasturbation [are there any?] I might tell her to check herself before she wreckz herself. Sick, Dad. Sick.

5. The entire "sanitary pad" tutorial in their dollhouse bathroom and the fact that it's repeated thrice. From outside of mah own screamz while watching, I was able to pick up the following: "Blah...blue...white, blue. Sticky like glue! IT'S STICKY!...I'm having my period...NOW...blah blah vom...Wrap it up. Pantiez...pantiez...pantieeeeeeez." I'm learning a lot! Why does the sister have to say "panties" so often. That word freakz me out.

6. The grotesquely gratuitous Ragu shot @ 3:11 (1st vid).

7. The little girl's attempt to flash her sista'z fuzzy mimosa at us by lifting her skirt @ 4:38 (1st vid).

8. The mom's excitement for her young daughter'z upcoming bloodbath. She has a fucking full-size calender all ready to go for her once she starts puberty in like 4 yearz. Tanx Mom?


I hope you're not as utterly horrified as I am by this vid. All you lady readers are probz rolling ur ojos all over the place at my terror, but once again, I'm on your side. If I could stop your pain, I totez would. But all those tomato-sauced padz have gotten me hungerz! ¡Adios mis amores!


23 comments:

dcm said...

Oh how I wish I weren't at work so I could watch these. I reeeeally hope they aren't as demented as your comments suggest...

David said...

I was fine until the second-to-last sentence. Then I died of horror.

Will have to watch these tonight.

Jere Keys said...

6.

I have 6 sisters.

I know more about periods that any gay man should know. My family has always been fairly open about discussing matters of biology and whatnot, but one day when I was 13ish I walked into the kitchen and heard my sister say to my mother, "...and she didn't even know how you get tampons out." Now, I should have turned my ass around right there, but noooooo, I had to get all curious and ask, "how do you take them out?" This resulted in a 45 minute explanation about strings and toxic shock syndrome and applicators and emergency room trips and all sorts of other freaky shit.

I got them back, though. A few years ago all my grown sisters were chatting about how "gross" oral sexin' their men was. I butted right into that convo and explained all the enjoyable things about eating sausages. I'm not sure if my brother-in-laws ever thanked me for that. On the other hand, they probably had to trim and groom as a result of their wives having a big gay brother with much wisdom in the arts of fellatio.

Mike said...

It's nice that they hired a child actress with Down Syndrome for this. They sure could use the work!

Tam said...

Arrgghhh. Jill needs serious help. Isn't she kind of young? And to be honest it takes year for the regular 28 day thing. Trust me. I couldn't watch it all. I was deeply disturbed by 3:11. I know my father would have freaked if I asked him about periods. Sigh.

In the modern world (aka today) no longer do "all women have periods". Thanks to depoprovera (which was my friend) women can remain happy and period-free for years on end. There is also endometrial ablation where you inject hot water into the uterous to destroy the inside thus ending periods forever. Damn, don't y'all wish you were girls now, so we could shoot boiling water up your hoo ha? Sigh. But to be honest, the end result sounds worth the hassle.

Ryan said...

The family sounds like they are out of the Manchurian candidate. Brain washing is the only explanation that I can think of for a dad that comfortable discussing periods.

I think the mom is trying to trick her daughters into giving information about their bodily functions so that she will know if they get pregnant. Either that, or she is some kind of crazy scientist using her family as a source of data. It could be worse, I have a suspicion that a group gets samples of juvenile foreskin from their children.

Ryan said...

Tam: She does seem a bit young, but they have to educate girls young to make sure they do it before the first girls start to have periods. In my experience, a few of my classmates were having periods before we had any sex ed.

Some of my female friends in high school expressed thanks for not having to deal with frequent, inappropriate erections, but I would take that over periods.

Tom said...

wouldn't this be attractive to pedophiles?

Polt said...

I get sick at the sight of blood or even talking about it actually, so I didn't watch the videos, but I read what your wrote and laughed my ass off! And now I know we need to get married and live together forever and ever cause any man that can make me laugh about menstration is one I need to spend the rest of my life with.

And Jere, I've explained the...in and outs (as it were) of oral pleasuring a man to three female friends of mine to help with their men. One of the girls almost lost the guy when he found out she was doing 'gay shit' to him. She wisely dropped him anyway a few weeks later.

HUGS...

Ryan said...

Polt: Wow, that guy was an idiot.

Tam said...

Since when is performing oral sex on a guy a gay or straight thing? I thought it was universally adored by all with the Y chromosome?

Ryan said...

Great. Now I have an image of the little girl walking around asking if various women perform oral sex followed by repeated replies that all women suck cock (except with a much more awkward euphemistic phrase).

SAM said...

I watched these videos as a little gay boy and thought....
Poor unlucky retarded girl!
Not only is she a mongo, but she also bleeds between her legs!

Adam said...

*dies*

dcm said...

What has been seen cannot be unseen. I started screaming at "Susie, can you show me again?" and only stopped to intermittently hear the creepotic robotic voice say "pan-tease. pan-tease. pan-tease" four kadrillion times.

FitzLikeaGlove said...

i'm now even more turned off from women than i already was.

scarred.4.lyfe ... thanks for that!

Melody, Destroyer of Dreams said...

hahaha-well one thing is a true-us womenz have a much harder time physically. Periods, PMS, pregnancy, Menopause-I'm over it. Anywayz-I did not watch the video since I am at work and it surely would've been frowned upon. However-by the description of it-its creepy.

john said...

4 sisters and a wife have taught me all I need to know about menstruation. I'll spare the faint of heart the details of exactly how much I know.

that's J-O-S-H said...

Jere: What of the greatest tingz I've experienced about growing up gay wiff two older sisterz is being able to talk about all the dirrty sexxxy time tingz I would feel uncomferz kabitzing about if I was a breeder.

Mike: Haha...you're awful.

Tam: Boiling water up mah hoo-hah?! Sign me up, pweaze. I need a good cleansing.

Anonymous said...

Crap!! I just finished writing a long comment and then pressed something and lost it! Soooo frustrating! Well, I'll start again. Here are my main points....

1. Why did the sister feel comfortable with showing her used pad and not saying the proper word for "the hole between the legs". It's called a vagina little girl...vaaaaagiiiina. It's ok to say it and call it that because that's what it is!! Young girls and boys should be introduced to the proper names of the sexual body parts because it lays the foundation for a healthy, attitude towards your vagina or your penis. Not talking about it or using cutesy names sends an indirect message of shame.

2. I think that majority of women whom use the public bathrooms should watch and learn about proper disposal of used sanitary materials!!!

3. Yes, the video is graphic (at first I was like, wtf!)but it needs to be detailed because today girls are getting their periods at a much younger age than in the past. They have no idea what to expect (i.e. the amount of blood involved) or how to go about taking care of it. Although the video is clearly older, which is interesting.

4. Again, all the Dads out there, while it is understandable that you may not be comfortable talking about "period stuff", no prob, that's fine; however, showing signs of revulsion doesn't send a good message. It's not creepy if a Dad is ok with talking about periods with their daughters, it just shows them that there are understanding men out there. And what about single fathers? If there are no close female relatives or friends who is going to talk to their daughter about their periods?

5. Let girls get all excited about getting their first period (I was)...because all to soon they realize on their own that it is such a hassle!

Much love,
Cindy

Ray Avito said...

Just in time for Halloween, the most frightening two clips EVER. *SHUDDERS* (Loves it, though!)

Just so I'm clear, it's every 4 weeks for about 3 days? I'm pretty sure I heard that once or twice.

Here I thought I'd never have to see a bloody pad ever in my life. Thanks, Suze...

hoteltuesday said...

Dad: "What have you girlss been talking about?"
Girl: "About periods."
SILENCE.

THEY KEEP REPEATING INFO!!!
And why can't they say 'vag33n'?! They keep saying "Opening between their legs."

"I'll show you. I'm having my period now." LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"I'll show you how I use it." LOL!!! Who shows their little sister their period blood?!?!

"I was my hands. I dry my hands. I pose in the mirror and turn from side to side."

I love at :28 in the 2nd vid when Jill looks SO HAPPY to get a pad. She's cute.

2:29 - Mom! I put on a pad!

4:07 Random dog shot?! Then til the end, Jill acts creepy like she wants to kill the dog!

Ray Avito said...

I couldn't properly describe the horrors of this video to my friend so I had to send him the link...