Monday, October 19, 2009

My Monday Muse

Tyra Banks

America's Next Top Model is pretty much da most important ting on television ever, so it's no surprise that Tyra "Don't Call Me Fat!" Banks landed her crazzzy azz a daytime talky show. Basically she tries to be like Oprah! and have meaningful yet down-to-earth showz about kids with diseases and social injustice and blah blah. One time she had some of those nutbarz from the West Boro Butthole Church on and they called her a "F*g enabler." It was awkward and Tyra was all like "Chut uh!"

But this isn't why T. Bankz is being named My Monday Muse. Neither is her brilliant [non] hit single "Shake Ya Body." The reason she is being awarded my crown of approval is for her actionz during a GiFt GiVeAwAy she had during one episode of her show. Glaze your peeperz over dis:

I hope Dry As Toast has another bloggy competition so I can win Miss Tyra's Super Duper No-Fail Skin-Saving Eye & Anything Cream. After the mystery boxxxez are handed out and TYRAnnosaurus Rex screamz at the audience to "opendemopendemopendemopendemopendemopendem", we are shown the wonder that was her heavenly surprise nectar! Vaseline. Or as I uncomfortably refer to it as "Petroleum Jelly." Doesn't it sound like sumfing you would use to patch up leakz on your car's oil tank? But no, Tyra wantz you to smear that shiz all over your eyez and boobiez and anything. Just like prom night! But Chatterbox Banks apparently didn't use any of it the day this show was filmed; the bagz under eyes are so big I want to take her face with me to the super market and fill them with three weekz of groceriez!

Wellz, not only does she give that crap to everyone, but she bEdAzZleS it with dollar store glue-on sparkliez! I lurrrve how she lies and say they are worth one hundred buckaroonz. Yeah, try and sell that shit at a pawn shop and see if the store owner doesn't give you five consecutive eye-rollz after another. I love when she literally loses her shiz and barkz to the heavenz and goes galloping into the audience.

I tink I fell in lurrrve wif her sometime between her self-crucifixion on the floor and the campy little pose she givez while spinning the Vaseline around on her finga. For serial...the show turnz into the motherfuzzing Exorcism of Emily Rose. I guess I can kinda relate to her if someone gave me a years supply of Caramel Cremes or the first season of Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School on DVD, I might bug-a-boo and start neighing like a demon horse, but for Vaseline? OVEREXAGGERATION to the millionth power! Sure, Ty-Ty might use it mornin', noon and night [chu guyz], but it's still just smelly lubricant. Mah wildest dreamz would for def def defferz not coooooome truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuue.

Oh what am I saying? Chut uh Josh! You know if somebody thrust free ANYTHING at you that you'd faint over the pure excitement of it all. I should be applauding Tyra for creating this jelly charity for us. She's just trying to get us to reach our highest potential! She's rooting for you America! WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU!

[P to da S: Someone is a genius and illustrated this nuclear meltdown. Check it out HERE.]


Jere Keys said...

I thought fer shore that balloon boy and the vomit of hoax would be this week's Monday muse. Alas, now I may have to put forth effort to seek out the clip.

john said...

This clip KILLZ me. I always laugh my ass off wen I watch it because of her totally scripted and over the to reaction

goblinbox said...

Vaseline really is terribly useful. In general. I mean, jokes aside. Srsly.

Laura said...

That was terrifying.

Tam said...

Huh. I think she must be eating or smoking that grease. Frightening. I am unfamiliar with the brilliance that is Tyra. I've never seen her show (some of us have real jobs we go to during the day) and otherwise I try to ignore the woman as much as possible.

I suppose as a "celebrity" slathering yourself in vaseline makes it harder for the stalkers to get a grip on you, like a greased pig at the local fair.

Adam said...

hahahahaha this post rules. I love the clip & your animated gif is amazing. I may have the bloggy courage to post about scary scarecrows that want to drag me to hell ... but you have the courage to post about Tyra. You rule.

FitzLikeaGlove said...

WHY is she the biggest thing since sliced bread?! She's fucking ridic. Don't nobody want your "Eye + Anything Cream" .. honesty, it's vaseline and paint thinner. Hush up Tyra and GO SHINE BRIGHT AND SHINE FAR .. BE A STARRRR!

that's J-O-S-H said...

Jere: Balloon Boy is mah arch enemy...the only way I'd put him on my blog would be if he married P!nk (which he can't cuz he isn't hotter than Carey Hart) or if he memorized all the lyrics to every song on every Kelly Clarkson album (which he can't cuz he's a stupid moron).

John: She's a really good actress. Ever see "Life Size?!"

GoblinBox: My mom had a jar of it sitting in the bathroom mirror for years and I never touched it cuz its container was always greasy and it always smelled like hospital bathroomz.

Tam: Don't let Tyra hear you calling her a pig. She's cOmfOrTaBlE iN HeR oooWnnN sKiIIiiIn!

Tyra: I keep looking over mah shoulder thinking she and her eyebrowz are going to ambush me and drag me to hell (NOT the good way)!

Fitz: feat. Pre-Druggie Lohan Holiday & an Oscar snub?!

Craig said...

I love Shake Ya Body! It may or may not be on my iPod. On Loop. Forever.

Remember the episode of ANTM when they all appeared in the video? Genius! And that was the Shandi season! Yes!

Melody, Destroyer of Dreams said...

Vaseline is a chemical, clogs your pores, and actually prevents your skin from recycling its cells.

The best thing to use: mix 3 parts jojoba oil and 1 part olive oil and rub a few drops on your face after washing it. Fabs.

Also-Tyra is f***ing nutz.

Anonymous said...

Um ... Vaseline removes eye make up like a charm. I kinda love it...

Anonymous said...

Mel, I'll have to try that little recipe you left :-). While I normally wouldn't use vaseline for much of anything because it is kinda nasty; it is however, the best thing to put on a chapped nose from a bad cold.

Tyra is crazy and I don't know why she has a show.


that's J-O-S-H said...

Craig: Shandi (feat. wussy cying boyfriend)?!

Melody: JoJo oil?! Is it too little too late?!

Cindy: To go against your statement dearest sister, I think this clip provez why she has her own show. :)

Craig said...

The phone call between Shandi and her pussy boyfriend is my favorite reality TV moment ever!

Anonymous said...

One Of The Best Things I Have Ever Seen!! :o)