Tuesday, October 6, 2009

My [Belated] Monday Muse

I know, I know. I'm writing dis herre blog on a Tuesday, so therefor this should really be called "My Tuesday Muse," but let's be serial, the alliteration is cute. Yes, for the first time in forevz, I wasn't able to update on Monday, due to my heading to Nueva Nueva to go see the Goddess of mah life, P!nk, in concert. But that is for def def defferz gonna be featured in another entry! I don't want to take any of the glory away from my muse of this week who just so happenz ta be...


And then all you bloggy readerz instantly put on your perplexity caps and stare @ moi in confusion. But you can all pick the question markz outta ur brainz right dis instant and let me explain! Sharks are pretty effing rad. They cause fear (feat. destruction) to the world and are looked up for it! They eat people and rip off limbz and then are given their own fucking week on the Discovery Channel?! Sweet deal if you ask me.

But the sharks I am enamored with this week aren't the onez from those documentariez, nor are they the ones that are featured in the classic blockbuster Jaws. No, the sharks that mi corazon is flip-flopping for come from a much more special [read as: low-budgeted] place! Who needs $$$ for decent effects when you have remedial graphic design skills and a limitless amount of documentary B-role?! Clearly not the directorz of these genius workz of wonder:

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon

Yay! Bargain movie making @ its best! Let's point out why this is amazing:

1. The size ratio of the shark stays completely congruent throughout each shot [read as: not at all. How the fuck is it one minute only large enough to swallow one man whole, but then is instantly able to eat a raft full of peepz in one bite? Maybe they were all midgetz?]

2. The guy in the helicopter does nuffin' but wear pepaw glassez and fly away.

3. The expert acting skillz of the ho in the beginning. Firstly, I lurrrve how she says "What?!" @ :17 secondz. Then I love how she criez out in pain when the douche that stole her life jacket got nom-nommed by the shark. If I was her I wouldn't have cared about his dopey ass. I'd be all lyke, "Serves you right dickstick! I hope you like being digested!"

4. The artard moron on the jetski makez no attempt to not go careening into the monsta'z gob.

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus

I just added this to mah Netflix after only seeing this one short clip. Seriously...what...the...FUZZ?! Who givez a shit if you're getting married in two dayz, dude? A FLYING SHARK IS ABOUT TO KILL UR AZZ FOR NO REASON @ ALL! If you surf around [hah, funny] on YouTube, you can find all sortz of clipz from this Oscar-snubbed cinematic masterpiece including one of the mEgA ShARk eating the Golden Gate Bridge. No, I'm not kidding.

Deep Blue Sea

I remember being scared titless during this movie when it first came out. This scene in particular was the effing shiz that had all us gringoz in the theater scream out like little betchez. Looking @ it now, I can't help but feel that the shark lookz like a giant shiny dildo with teefz. Weird? Yes.


hoteltuesday said...

Oh my gaaaaaah. I love that first clip! How did you find it?! I didn't send it to you, did I?! SO GOOD.

But how did you not mention shark bites in this entry?!

Nathan V. said...

I kind of want to watch MEga shark Vs. Giant octopus. It's going to be amazing, right?

My favourite so-bad-it's-awesome movie is Tremors! Amazing!!!

Kevin Bacon, the guy from family ties, and REBA MCINTYRE witha SHOTGUN.

Pure awesome.

You should queue it up!

Michelle M. said...

I haven't seen the first movie, but I should. The acting is stellar. I saw Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (starring Debbie/Deborah Gibson)a few weeks ago. The plane scene is awesome.
Now I'm thinking any rallying speech in a movie should be interrupted by a genetically enhanced shark (Patton, Independence Day, Braveheart...).

Jere Keys said...

I hope that when I die, it's not because of a giant shiny dildo with teeth. But let's face it, that's probably like 85% likely to happen to me.

john said...

I caught the clip of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (starring Debbie/Deborah Gibson) about a week ago as well and was AMAZED by Deborah's acting skills and the amazing scene when the shark bites the Golden Gate Bridge.

Sharks both fascinate and scare the poop out of me. Killing machines and that cold dead stare. CREEPIES...

Mel said...

It's always the goddamn black man gets eaten first. Honky ass Hollywood producers and their honky ass sharks.

David said...

I would have been more terrified in the last clip if I hadn't been blinded by Thomas Jane's studly-ness.

The plane scene is just plain (heh) ridic.

Tam said...

Clip #1: My first thought in the first clip was "Jesus, he wasted a good lifejacket someone could have used." The proportions were whack.

Clip #2: I laughed when all those people died on the plane. Does that make me a bad person?

Clip 3: Why does Samuel L. Jackson always play the same character in every movie he's in?

Sharks are cool though, but I still perfer dolphins. Flipper, where are you?

Christina said...

what the fuck was that!!!!!!!!!!

where did that shark come from in the sky!!!!!!!! why did that woman scream NOOOOOOO! when they guy who straight up stole her life jacket jumped into the (plastic) sharks mouth?!

and i agree with enrico... how did you write this entry without even MENTIONING shark bites feat. delicious opaque flavor???? SO MANY QUESTIONS!

goblinbox said...

Put on your perplexity caps! Put on your perplexity caps! Put on your perplexity caps!

Ok, now that I have that little gem of a sentence out of my system:

I too love totally cheezdick moviez! W00t!

Melody, Destroyer of Dreams said...

Well you know we bred our love of all things sharkz since we were mere tots. The passion for these fish is so extreme for me that my fiance actually proposed to me in the shark tunnel at the aquarium.

Remember Jaws 3 when the shark is coming at the underwater aquarium and its head is so obviously a cut out of a shark because its tail is not moving???

that's J-O-S-H said...

E. Copterz: You actually didn't show it to me, but I think once I get some of these gemz on Netflix, you should come over and we can eat shark bitez and have a good ole movie time sleepover (feat. gozziping & Ouija Boatf).

Nathan: The only ting better [read as: badder] than Tremors is the sequel. Why are they able to walk?!?! I thought they were giant wormz?!

Michelle: I saw an interview with Debbie...oh I'm sorry, DEBORAH "serious actor" Gibson where she was talking up this movie like nobody's business. Like she even had to! She's a burned out popstar which meanz I'm lawfully obligated to go see it.

Jere: I stay away da dildoz with teefz. Clitoral nubbins though...that's another story.

John: The shark for probz thought the bridge was made out of opaque white Shark Bitez fruitsnackz. YUMMERZ!

Mel: I was gonna fight back and say that some films like "Jurassic Park" didn't have a black guy die first. Then I remembered that I was wrong and not only that, but Samuel L. Jackson also diez in that movie too. Your point is taken.

David: Wrong! You're distracted by the giant phallic-shaped sea monster. Perv...

Tam: Why don't they have moviez about killer dolphins that like eat peepz and shoot lazerz outta their eyes?!

Xtina: The shark was just hungerz for Shark Bitez fruit snacks which were being stowed away on the plane's luggage basin. DURH!

GolbinBox: Cheezdick?! I'ma steal that phrase.

Melody: SHIT! I forgot to put that scene up here! I guess I'll just have to do a round 2 sometime soon!

Ray Avito said...

Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus + Catwomen of the Moon = Trashtastic Movie Sunday.

First clip is so beyond fantabulous that it deserves its own brand new word.