Saturday, October 24, 2009

Music Video Vault

Janet Jackson - "Doesn't Really Matter"

Sure she's been the talk o' da tabloidz with her wardrobe malfunctionz and her sporadic weight-gainathonz, but Miss Jackson [cuz I'm nasty] cannot be described as anything less than a queen of modern day pop muzak. I mean, suuuuuure she's not that good of a singer and suuuuuuure her past three albumz boooombed in comparison to her earlier work, but she still (and alwayz will) hold a supa sexxxy part in the garbage dump that is my heart tanx to her greatest talent: MAKING NONSENSICALLY BRILLIANT FUCKFEST MUSIC VIDEOZ. She released a bunch of hitz and such in the 80s and 90s but I was too busy trying to not cry @ elementary school to be cognizant of her brilliance. The first time I really remember taking note of Damita Jo was when she got all Event Horizon on our azzes in that video "Scream" she did with her late bro. That shiz freaked me the hell out...I mean just look at those outfitz! Hiddy.Us.

She then went on to do a bunch of stuff that I apparently was too busy to care about. Then came the 00s and the forgotten Jackson made a comeback! This revival included gross/uncomfortable photoshootz
, hooking up with that rando guy Jermaine Dupree that everyone in hip-hop talkz about (though I don't know a ting he's done) and releasing some of the trippiest music videoz ever created; IE: "All For You" which plays like a drug-induced cartoon, "Son of a Gun (I Betcha Think This Song Is About You)" (feat. Missy Elliott & Carly Simon) which has legit been the basis for night terrors on more then one occasion and "Rock Wit U" which I want to play on repeat on a big screen at the foot of mah bed whenever I have sex.

But let's speak honestly for a moment, shall we? Any artist be them writer, painter, musician, actor, (or in Janet's case) music video pawn, has one ting that their career has been based around. It's a beacon or peak in the person's life that they will forever be known for. And you might be asking, "Josh, you idiot, Janet was around before you were alive, how do you know what her crowning professional achievement is?" And the answer I will instantly reply with is "I just do. I just do." So what IS her magnum opus? Look below and be amazed:

VIDEO SYNOPSIS: What's going on in dis video? Oh, it's so self-explanatory, yet so incredibly unexplained. I mean, yes, it's rather straight forward: Janet's chillaxing in her sweet Tokyo (?) apartment with her pet dog AIBO. She wakez up from her gumdrop dreamz and prances around her digs drinking orange soda, combing her hair with her demon claw finganailz and getting changed for a night out on the town. GiRl'S nIgHt! A bunch of her cholita friendz show up looking ridiculous and they all go out into the hall singing about "bubble babiez" or whatever the fuck she's saying.

Apparently Tokyo has weight-balanced impromptu dance platforms in the middle of their streets and not one to miss a chance to jerk and shake like a robot, Janet layz down some mooooovez. I need to chut mah gob though. We all know that give me two rum (feat. Cokes) and my desperate nalgaz would be out there actin' a fool with all dem hoz. We are then showed some rando shotz of ugly people dancing in ugly outfitz while they rub neon Bukaki on our mugs.

Janet and her plastic cheekbonez then coo to us about how her love will always be with us, and I'm all like, "No thankz, Jo." She and her fake friendz hop in a car and emulate me with some driver-seat Karaoke. Her friendz realize Janet is wasterskatez and that they need to get her ass to bed, so they take her back to her futuristic, computer-generated apartment complex and crucify her to bed.


:15 - Look at those pencil point 'browz! Grrrrrl must be getting makeup tips from Steven the Beautiful.

- Janet has obviously a deep appreciation for periodicals & journalism.

:45 - She is a big fan of drinkable grenades or whatever the fuzz those are. Diet of course!

1:07 - To walk to the front door, you must circumnavigate the entire goddamn room before exiting.

1:19 - Janet unhingez her jaw and I finally know what I will be for Helloween.

1:24 - Angel Dumott Schunard is one of Damita's best friendz!

2:15 - That poor fake doggie has to sit inside all day and watch that piece of shit Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps that this goofy song is from. I bet she doesn't even feed the starved little robo!

2:33 - Janet discovers the cure for world-wide hunger. Let's just hope Ethiopians have developed a way to digest silicone.

4:23 - My favo part of da song: "I'm always doing that!" Doing what, Janet? Doing WHAT?!

THE CONCLUSION: This song went to #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 chartz and considering how artarded America is [myself included], I'm willing to bet that the dopey movie it came from also was a box office smash. As I mentioned earlier, this song video ushered in a new string of hitz for Janet and I am sad that success has faded over the past few yearz. Grrrl better hire Mariah's retoucher and get back to flopping around in these computer-animated nightmare videoz ASAP! I've already watched this clip 439,865 timez and I'm starting to need a new fix.


Anonymous said...

OMG....i can't believe that I am looking at this right now...
1st you are right to some/most extent ---this video and SONG is amazing. But, you need to check out THROB from the Velvet Rope tour on youtube, if u have not seen....FIRE!!!!
Also, just seen some of your previous works by Fleetwood Mac...Check out Silver Springs --- "lovez it" ......

Jere Keys said...

I've always been partial to Again because I had a huge crush on Gary Dourdan back in 1993 (a.k.a. before I knew I was gay and before I knew that I lurve the boys in other colors of the homo rainbow).

Have you ever seen the paparazzi video where she's massaging her lower lady parts by the pool? Warning: you can never unsee it.

On that note, word verification prompt is "mastr" -- true story!

john said...

I love this song and the video kills me because it is soo nonsensical. My favorite part,the dancing on the tilting disc and the transforming shoes.

My favorite Janet songs are "If" and "Love Will Never Do Without You".

Tam said...

Anyone notice her slippers? 5 inch platform flip flops for lounging around the house? Riiight. But I'd love the changing shoes.

So where are all the Asian people? Have we banished them all to the hills? all her friends are black or white. If she's living in Asia shouldn't she have at least one token Asian chick to dance with? I sense Asian discrimination.

And that poor little pup, left in the dark without so much as a pat on the head and forced to watch Eddie Murphy for hours.

David said...

Stop making fun of my wardrobe.

RYAN said...

"When she got all Event Horizon on our azzes", HAAA! I love it! This post reminded me of another of Janet's nonsensical/gorgeous videos. The one with Busta Rhymes, "What's it Gonna Be?". From her latexy, piercy fetishes, to the white cold sore painted on her lip, that video is crazy/sexy/stupid.

that's J-O-S-H said...

Anonymous: "Velvet Rope" is soooo old schoooool! Maybe I'll make an exception to my anti-old people muzak and give it a lesson.

Jere: What stalkarazzi video?! It's not feating Lady GaGogglez is it?!

John: What about "That's the Way Love Goes" (feat. Jennifer Slowpez in the video) (VH1 Pop-Up Video Fun Fact Mega Remix)?!?

Tam: When Janet comez to town she has full command of racial separation. And I agree about the dog, though if it was watching "Dreamgirls" then I wouldn't feel as bad! YAY! J-HUD!

David: You know, sir...I tink some stenciled in browz might really highlight the bone structure of your face.

Ryan: OMGAWD! That video was terrifying. So was Busta's "Gimme Some More." NIGHTMARE CITY!

Jere Keys said...

No, no, back in the day some guy stuck his camera through a fence and got about 30 seconds of video of Miss Jackson [cuz she's nasty] sunbathing nooderz. She's all touching herself and shiz. At some point she flips over and slaps her ass for some reason.