Thursday, September 24, 2009

Ten Rando Tingz

So pickin' up where my dopey azz left off last week...

Ten Rando Tingz From Around My House!

Medicine Cabinet - When I went off to college, my mother was positive that without fail I would catch an illness my first day and expire before Thanksgiving break if I wasn't properly equipped with every medicine that Rite Aid had to offer. I remember moving into college my first day and mi madre in all her beautifully maternal glory pulling out a jumbo size plastic bag of pillz/band-aids/sore throat spray and lobbing it @ my face. I soon learned the different usez for Ibuprofen, Aspirin and Tylenol while appreciating the unique benefits that daytime and nighttime cough syrup both have. And who could forget the pounds of throat lozengez?! Not only did she give me prox 5 bagz of vitamin C infused organic so'n'so fruit dropz the first day, but every time she would come to visit [prox once every two monthz] she would give me another bag. Hence the million bags in the upper left corner.

After I graduated college, I proceeded to build my mini pharmacy by stealing shampoo and soap samplez from hotelz, swindling teef-whitening jizz from a friend of mine and randomly procuring GALLONZ of shaving cream that I will never use. So if you ever need spray-on SPF 15 sunblock or expired RX-strength acne medicino, then I'm totez your hookup!

My Car - Aw. Clint has been with me since I started driving when I was 18. He originally belonged to my high school friend Brian's uncle or some shiz. Anywayz, mis padres used him for a few years before putting his glorious keyz in my mitts when I finally got my license. He's a '91 Subaru Loyale and he leakz oil like Pamela Anderson leakz bodily fluidz. Tanx to his constant leakage though, I've had to become an expert @ checking mah coolant, oil, power steering nectar and automatic transmission syrup! I'm a mechanic!

Oh, and you may wonder why Clint is all ghetto-cholitofied with his multiple colorz. Well, it all started with the picture right below this which I will esplain sooon. Wellz, my college friend Xtina and I were driving to a local dollar store to buy some cheap scotch tape. We were listening to some tunez and as I merged into the right lane so I could turn into the parking lot, this douchesicle didn't stop in time and raped the ass of my car with his ugly and unnecessarily shiny jeep. I immediately started crying and then the kid gets out of his car and within prox two seconds his entire extended family was surrounding me berating me for no reason at all. All I had on mah side was XTINA and this cockface had his fucking great grandparents there yelling @ me! Oh, and his grandma had a cartoon puppy umbrella. SHE'S YELLING @ ME WHILE POINTING HER PUPPY UMBRELLA @ MY FACE. Oh, and it was raining and I was in my PJz. So. Sad.

Anywayz, the cop came and somehow it got labeled as my fault cuz I tink the kid gave him a rim jerb or sumfing in the police car. Then I had to pay a grand to get the back of my car fixed. They said if I paid an additional like $300 they could paint my car's azz back to it's original color, to which I said "Ha. Fuck off you goomba. Gimme dem keeeeeeyz!" [note: not actually what I said]

Celebrity Collage - My friends (Xtina & Sam) & I had an active social life in college. I swear! We went out to parties frequently. Got drunk all the time and made constant idiotic mistakez that caused more problemaz than we'd care to remember. But during our Junior year, when we finally moved out of the dorms and into our own house, we started taking up new hobbiez. Basically that meanz that we watched a lot of Discovery Health Channel and American Idol. Aside from that we ate a lot of Fla.Vor.Ice and slept. But then after we explored those options to the hilt, we decided to become artists and decorate our house! Luckily for us, our parents all seemed to acquire a large collection of shitty gossip 'zines [I'm looking @ you Ok!, Star and Life & Style!], so we thought "Hey! Chut up! Let's make celebrity posterz that highlight the ugliest and lamest famoso peepz dat we lurrrrrrrrrrve to hate!"

So we did. We added everybody you could imagine! We spent weeks making the collage and as mentioned earlier, I ended up having to pay of a thousand buckaloonz to pay off car damage that was inspired by retrieving supplies for this masterpiece. Small price to pay for perfection though! When we finished, we hung it up in our living room and it became a beacon of amazement to guests who would come over, look @ it, look @ us uncomfortably and then walk out. When Idol came on, we printed out pix of the all the finalist and created a bulletin board of all their faces. When they got axed, we would violently draw all over their facez and make fun of any minute flaw that they dare showed to us. Weeeee! When we all graduated, we took the big celebrity poster and cut it up into three sections so we could each have a piece!

Graduation Gift - OMGAWDz! So when my dopey ass finally was finished sucking & blowing my way through college [I kid! I kid! right?], my sister bequeathed me this werk of art as a gift. She was so surprised that I didn't drop out to fulfill my childhood dreamz of being a prostiwhore [see previous entry, pweaze] that she decided to make me some art so I could lie to the world and tell everyone that I'm cultured.

We all [should] know that hi hermana is greatly talented in the wayz of visual artz, and this once again proooovez why she has more talent in her eyebrow hair than I do in el todo del mi cuerpo! The person in the drawing is modeled after me on my sixteenth burfday when no one came to my fiesta and I cried for three days into a bowl of cheese dip. Don't I look sad?! Don't my breastz look tender?!

Sean Preston Federline Spears - Yes! The talk of the tabloidz and Britney Spears' beef-jerky spawn livez in mah bedroom! Oh I'm just kidding! That's not a real little gremlin! That's just a doll. Two Helloweenz ago, my friendz and I were invited to go to a costume party that my sister was planning. Well, as you would guess from the aforeposted celeb collage, I decided to go as Paris Hilton while my bffl Sam went as Brit Brit (feat. preggerz). You can savor over our beauty HERE.

I basically wore Sam's normal day clothez while holding a purse and one of those free dogz you get from Victoria's Secret [Tinkeeeeeeeerrrrrbeeeeeeeeeell!]. But my hair is a disgusting shit brown color! Not the same as Paris' golden lockz of man chowda love! So of course we headed on over to Goodwill and I bought the most beautiful [read as: cheapest] wig that I could find! While we were there, Sam decided that to really pull off her great look, she needed to hook herself up wit a baby. We rummaged through the toy section and found Sean Preston, in all his aborted glory, waiting for our loving arms. Throughout the party he was stepped on, soaked in alcohol and pelted against the ceiling by a guy dressed up as Jebus Christ...JUST LIKE A REAL CHILD! I later went on to win Best Costume [oh yes tank you, tank you. You can stop cheering for me now.] and I accepted my trophy aka bottle of vodka humbly before taking a shot or six of it. Anywayz, when we moved out of our college house, Sam hid Sean Preston in my bagz so when I got to my current residence, I was greeted with this smelly, gross, dirrty piece of shit doll bundle of joy! He's mah baby and I do what I want with him.


goblinbox said...

"...power steering nectar and automatic transmission syrup" totally made me snort coffee all over my monitor. Cuz that shiz is FUNNEH.

john said...

There is a very conspicuous omission from your medicine cabinet, which could result in the need for another of the items in your first Ten Rando Tingz post. Pantene and Tressemé? That's some expensive hair.

Clint? I never understood why people name their cars. I also love your mechanic skills! All those technical terms.

David said...

John, I too never got why folks name their cars, and I've owned two in mi vida.

And I think I know what missing product you are referring to.

Man chowda? Really? Ew.

Word verification: Braffect- the results of a Victoria Secrets push-up.

that's J-O-S-H said...

GolbinBox: I hope my hilarity didn't permanently damage your nasal cavitiez via coffee scalding.

John: Um, I don't use condamnz. If I'm gonna sleep with someone, I have to be in a committed and trusting and loving relationshit with dem. I have to love and respect and trust them enough to feel comferz not using the 'damnz to sleep with them in the first place.

David: ew...why don't you flat out say "I HATE THIS ENTRY!?" I name my car because I lurrrrve him and he's like the child I will never have. And "Man chowda? Really? Ew"...don't knock it till you try it.

hoteltuesday said...

OMG I remember seeing the collage and American Idol poster thingwa on the wall when I came over your house! But I'm awesome so I was like "COOL!" and wished I had one. Then I cried cause you hated Brooke White.

Melody, Destroyer of Dreams said...

well obviously my artwork is the best thing here (jokez R us-but thanx for the shout out again dear brother). No seriously-My cars were both named. My 1986 volvo wagon-basically a tank-was named Bill. My current car (2002 Hyundai Accent-aka polar opposite of my volvo) is named Spencer. Why do I do this? Because I become emotionally attached to objects. I cried CRIED when my mac g4 notebook died last Thanksgiving. I had to hdie it in my closet for months because Igot sad whenever I saw it. I yelled at my finace John last night when he stepped on the tail of my stuffed shark Charlie.

I'm a perfectly healthy person.

Tam said...

No name for my car but my name for the woman who rear-ended me Monday was "fing bitch". Thankfully the police said it was HER fault so I don't have to pay the $1500 for repairs. My new car. Waaahh. It was only one year old. Sigh.

So I guess if I get a cold and need some expired meds I know where to come. You could probably make some extra money selling that stuff outside he local high school.

that's J-O-S-H said...

E. Copterz: And then you forever impressed my friends by knowing the name of the dawg on SATC.

Smellody: Four yearz ago I hit the curb while driving Clint and I popped a tire. The next day when I got a new one I more or less bawled cuz I felt like I killed the other tire and that I disappointed it. I have issuez. Therapist, por favor.

Tam: I will cut a bitch that fuckz with my Tammerz. Seriously, that ho is carne muerto. And hush about my backdoor pharmacy!...I can't believe you discovered my third job.

Michelle M. said...

My comment never showed. Jeebz. Anyway, you look stunning as a blond.