Tuesday, September 22, 2009


I had a rough day @ work. I got stuck @ that crappy Intern computer that refuses to work and can't handle YouTube videoz or email. Of course this coincidez with my boss' wishes for me to search for performance clips for one of our clientz, resulting in me waiting 20 minutez for one effing video to load. I also woke up feeling groggy and sickly and even though I feel better now (tanx to downing 5 Emergen-Cz) it was still a bumma to wake up to a stuffy nose and a headache. Booo! Anywayz, while I was watching that damned spinning YouTube loading icon, I started reflecting on what my occupational aspirations were when I was a youthful tot. So therefor, I thought that dis herre installment of Q+A! should be...

What Did You Want To Grow Up To Be When You Were A Kid?

Nowadayz I feel like I have a grounded sense of what I want to accomplish en mi vida. Music publicity and/or book publishing are two careerz that I am for def def defferz working towardz. I would obviously like to become a published poet @ some point, but that won't happen till I'm either over 30 or dead, whichever comez first. Being a famous blogger is also idealistic, but that shiz is for totez not gonna happen [fishing for complimentz!]. But what about when I was a little goomba? What aspirationz did I hold for mi futura?! What did I crave wildly to become???


Not creative, I know. But I tink that every child wanted to be a teacher @ one point or another. I used to have pretend crushez on my lady teacherz that I later realized was just me wishing that I was in their shoez and had the respect and power over a crowd of impressionable children. Someone piss you off? Beat the shit outta them Banish them to the office! Having a bad day? Force the children to rewrite all of Les Miserables! Feeling unwanted and worthless? Judge the students with harsh gradez and unfair criticismz! Yes, the tyrannical power that a teacher would have over his/her class alwayz appealed to me.

But only elementary school...get into those higher gradez and peepz start standing up for themselves and I'm not looking to start a fight. I'm just looking to bitch at those who are defenseless in an attempt to mask my own selfish desirez & insecuritiez! Weeeeee!


I really can't seem to fathom why I ever fancied the notion of being a dentist. Like, I'm not terribly disgusted by looking down people's gargantaz, but it currently doesn't seem like a hobby that I'd like to pick up. I vaguely remember when I was a little kid that there was this assembly @ school where some choloz from a local dentistry came in to like teach us how to keep our chopz clean, or sumfing. Now, I never realized dental hygiene was part of the elementary school curricular, but I guess it must have been. An besidez, I'd rather spend my afternoon in the dark auditorium learning how to floss [already know how to!] than spend it in the classroom hearing about dead presidentz and math shit [snorrrrrrrezzzzz].

I digress though! I remember after the assembly, my teacher handed out some dopey pamphlets about brushing yo teefz and there were cartoons on it of a dentist fighting some grotesquely drawn blob monsta that was supposed to be "plaque" with a toothpaste cannon and an over-sized brush. It seemed heroic and a great way to get people to praise you, so of course I filed dentistry away as a plausible future occupation/method to get famous and have people lurvvve me.


Yes, I'm serious. When I was a little tot in middle school, I had the sick and morbid aspiration to sell my stupid azz out on the street. With my G-string in hand, some sparkly lip chap on my puss and my self-respect crying away in the gutter, NUFFIN' could stop me from taking over the world [read as: the corner]. And what you may ask led me to desire such an odd source of income? Television. Seriously...television. Okay, okay...I know. Everyone alwayz seems to blame every minute problem in the world on TV, but in dis case, it's true! MTV one time long, long ago had a documentary on that followed around this flippant little pixie of a dude who was what they call a "male escort." Basically that meanz "cum slave with no self-appreciation." The documentary showed the guy going out with ugly jerkoffz, getting arrested, crying and more or less just having a miserable existence. And in my wittle 13 year-old eyez, all I could tink of was "Wow, that could be me!"

Lucky for me, I didn't have the pelotaz to run away from home and evolve mahself into a streetwalker. As I got older, I eventually grew a brain and lessened my desires to be just a common stripper. Lately though, that dream too has diminished. Now all I do is dance around my empty house to "She Wolf" in my underooz and that pretty much kicks my fix to be a promiscuous slut. Oh, the wonderz of being a child. So many dreamz, so little time!

So what did you sexxxy readerz want to be when you were still picking your nose and crapping your pantz? Tell me your childhood ambitionz!


Polt said...

From a little age, I wanted to be a lawyer. But as a senior, I changed to wanting to be a teacher...until I had to return to school as a college freshman and observe classes, and after seeing those snots that I'd have to teach, I changed my mind there really fast!


john said...

When I was in first grade, we were asked what we wanted to be when we grew up and I said I wanted to be a daddy. That is all I really remember.

I've always had an interest in art, but never wanted to do it for a living, but wanted to do something that would pay the bills enough so I could do art on my own. So far, that has worked out ok.

Tam said...

I too wanted to be a teacher, then I worked as a candy striper (not stripper) as a teen and I wanted to be something in the medical profession but I knew it couldn't be a nurse or a Dr. because I could never give anyone a shot so that pretty much derailed that career choice, now I'm still trying to figure it out. I have a good job that is sometimes interesting that pays the bills with benefits. Meh.

A few years ago I did this indepth career analysis at work and surprise, I should be a teacher. Oops, too late. But not little kiddies, I don't do so well with little ones. I prefer the older ones, until I'm jailed for killing one them. I worked for a few years as kind of an advisor for university engineering students. LOVED that job. Pay sucked.

hoteltuesday said...

When I was VERY young, I wanted to be a cartoonist! I think the reasoning behind that was simple: I loved cartoons so I thought I should make them!
Then I wanted to be a vet. I loved animals so I thought I should fix them!
Then, when I hit 6, I wanted to be a teacher and I haven't changed my mind yet. Except that I want to be a professor. (Why? Duh, more respect AND more money!)
Then when I hit 19 I decided that I deserve to be a famous entertainer so I'm gonna start trying that out soon.

Tam: I can see you as a teacher! Maybe middle school.

Tam said...

Enrico: I know most people cringe at middle school but I really enjoyed my daughter's friends at that age. They were a lot of fun. I think I could deal. ;-) But taking a 50% pay cut to do it? Um, no.

Julia said...

when i was smallish i wanted to be a teacher too, but mostly because i liked the sound of writing on the chalkboard. and i think at one point i wanted to be a lawyer because i'm obsessed with law & order. whatever i blame television for that one.
now it's time to get serious and focus on being world famous superstars. i'm not playing around anymore.

miss you!

David said...

Even as a wee one, I knew it would draw praise to say I wanted to be a doctor, but all that cutting scared me so I told people I wanted to be a pediatrician because in my child-mind, kid doctors just sat in offices and did physicals and have shots and that kind of thing.

Of course, if I had my druthers I really wanted to be involved in some radio-active accident and gain super powers. Or find a book of spells and become warlock.

Oddly enough, "grant writer for theater company" never came up back then.

Michelle M. said...

I wanted to be a ballerina. Then after I saw Grease I wanted to be Olivia Newton John. All through high school I wanted to be a marine biologist (but really, I think I just wanted to pet dolphins). When I discovered that math was involved, that was out. Other stuff I wanted to be: artist, children's book author and Wonder Woman.

that's J-O-S-H said...

Polt: You wanted to be a lawyer when you were a wittle child?! I had no clue what the fuck they did when I was a child and it actually wasn't until two years ago that I realized an "attorney" was the same ting.

John: Be a "daddy?!?!" That's toooo fucking cute. I also have a fatherly craving in my noggin. Though kids piss the crap outta me, I do see mahself settling down @ some point [a looooong wayz away] and buying one or two on the black market.

Tam: I actually could see myself working in a school or college as some sort of advisor or counselor or sumfing like dat. Just never as an actually teacher. I would probz mass-execute my entire class. "YOU DIDN'T DO THE READING?!? GET OUT THE SHARK TANK, WE'RE ALL GOIN' SWIIIIIIMMING!"

E. Copterz: "Then when I hit 19 I decided that I deserve to be a famous entertainer so I'm gonna start trying that out soon" (feat. your BFF separated @ birth twin aka ME).

Julia: Oooooh! I forgot about odd comfortz like writing on the chalkboard. Although, personally I lurrrrved the squeaky sound of the dry-erase markaz on the whiteboard and their equally satisfying toxic smell. I'd go up to do a math problem and get an effing buzz.

David: Is it weird that after hearing you tell me about your current profession that I actually started to flirt with the idea of getting involved in a related field of some kind?

Michelle: Ah yes...there were many professionz that I wanted to be not because of the actual work, but because of the pleasantries that would go along with it. I wanted to a) work @ the zoo = touch CUTE animalz all the time; b) be a baker = eat pie all the time; c) direct moviez = hang out with famous people and win awardz; and d) be a fashion model = have people praise my body and give me free ropa.

Milo said...

I wanted to be in the armed forces. I also wanted to work abroad (which I've done a bit, though I want to do more).

Melody, Destroyer of Dreams said...

I had a brief desire at one time to be a vet, but soon realized that also meant operating on animals...not just petting them, feeding them, and calling them sweet names. In otherwords, I was confusing being a vet with pet sitting.

All in all, I really just wanted to be an artist. Not an artist AND some other job that actually pays my bills...just an artist. Of course I had and have no desire to draw what OTHER people want, I just want to do my own stuff and have other people buy it and support me.

Of course you basically have to sell your soul to satan in order to accomplish this kind of gig (I am currently waiting for satan to knock on my door so I can get this going)-so instead I got a job that pays the bills and I 'do art work in my spare time', ie. whine about how I am not inspired and too tired and have to do the laundry while tearing myself apart for failing as an artist (therefore making soul worthless and unappealing to satan). So what do I do? Double the fun and get engaged to someone in the exact same boat haha...it makes the complaining sessions much more fun though!

john said...

Melody: Much of that sounds all to familiar.

Melody, Destroyer of Dreams said...

John: Yeah, it can be painful. What are do you do? Do you have a site?

Chris D. said...

When I was little I wanted to be a "singer and a dancer", not one or the other, but both. At the same time. I think when I went through a shy phase that aspiration died. However, I do think it would be cool to be a folk rocker, with really deep life changing songs.

Once I started playing with GI Joe figures I decided I wanted to be a military design engineer. I wanted to design vehicles and weapons. Death was very theoretical to me at that time. Once my grandfather died, I better understood the reality of death and did not want to design weapons anymore.

I naturally gravitated to computers. I had the patients to figure things out. I liked to create, and through programming I could build software. It was just a hobby. I never wanted to do it for a living. After high school I helped out at a small software company just for fun, and now I am the lead developer and it has turned into a nice career. I love my job, and I am excited about the future.

Anonymous said...

Well, when I was really young I wanted to be an artist...I wanted to be just like Mom; this was when Mom used to do her artwork! I always wished she would pick up a paintbrush again. I miss that. I even almost cut off my right thumb (literally) with one of her exacto knives when I was about four while going through her things. Then I wanted to be a vet because I animals are so cute...except when they're cut open on a table (I hear you Mel!). Then a supermodel, that's right. Then a scuba diver/underwater photographer; I even went as far as getting certified as an openwater diver and toyed with the idea of being a marine biologist, then found out that serious mad math skills were required (I hear you too Michelle). After graduating from highschool I devoted years to the ambition of being a model/actress/dancer...the competition wasn't for me though.

Now after 9 years of working with children I'm so close to my bachelors in early childhood education I can almost taste it. The ironic thing is, this combined w/ my 2nd major in psychology I'm forced to have mad math skills anyway. How did that happen? I had the brains to be a marine biologist after all!!! Life is crazy...you never know where it will take you!