Saturday, September 19, 2009

My wonderous talent through the agez...

Ok, let's just cut to the fudging chase, 'kay? We all know that it's mah main goal in life to be famous. I know that it is terribly self-serving and kind of vapid, but it's the truth, so fucking get over it. As you also may know, I have a (not so) secret and completely unreachable dream of being on American Idol one day and dazzlin' America with my charming personality, well-sculpted side-profile, quirky yet abrasive sense of humor and my mediocre awe-inspiring singing voice. Any intelligent person [read as: anyone that regularly readz Josh Is Trashy] will be completely aware of the fact that I am vainly prone to posting videos of my majestic singing voice.

But let me tell you cholitoz and amigaz sumfing innnnnnneresting! I was performing before my ballz voice even dropped! In fifth grade, my elementary school had one of those not-mandatory-but-everyone-is-involved-anyway class musicalz. It was some D-rate EdUcATiOnAL bullshit play about Johnny Appleseed and it was my effing dream to play the square dance announcer. I would get mah own muthashitting solo! Well, during my audition I choked up and started crying IN FRONT OF EVERYONE and I tink I ran off stage and cried in my dad's arms for three dayz. However, everyone felt bad for me and my sensitive soul, so they took the song and split it into two partz, one for me and one for the kid that actually was good and deserved it. It was the first time in my life that I got what I wanted via tearz. It was a lesson and craft I learned to use throughout the rest of my life. Want sumfing bad enough? Cry and seem unstable and you'll get it. Well, lucky for you folkz, I was able to find the only video and I put that shiz up on YouTube. Please take note of the overallz I'm wearing that are four sizez too big for me Oh and also notice how when I say "Circle to the left..." I actually motion my hands to the right. I waz a moron. I come in at prox :55:

And then I had a dry spell. I went through middle school and high school with nary another solo or performance. I joined the high school select choir chamber singerz blah blah whatever...but there I just couldn't find a role that really moved me. My thespian soul couldn't be wasted on the likez of Damn Yankees or How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying [aka, I was too of a wimpsicle to audition]. Well, graduation was breathing down my taint and my friends and I put together a chorale arrangement of that old people song "Leavin' On a Jet Plane." And mis amigoz lied to me and said that I would be great singing the first solo! So I did and I tink I dirtied mis pantalonez. OMGAWD I was singing in front a thousand peepz! Scary! Here it is...

YAY! And now here I am...singing Lady GaGa and Michelle Branch songz on the dusty couch in my living room and posting the videoz on mah blog. I'm still holding out for my breakout role [read as: someone make me famous! please?] and spending my time dreaming about my future success (instead of actually working to achieve it!). Hope I haven't ruined your computer speakerz via my wailingz! Lovez ya!


hoteltuesday said...

1. You guys seem equally talented to me. Especially since you're both talk-singing those lines!

2. I love how it cuts off RIGHT after you're done! Gosh. And you sound better in that vid since you don't sound affected/dramatic/whatever. When we start recording our future Grammy-winning CD, you will sing in this manner.

3. Sorry, but I can't watch anything at all related to GaGa! UGH. But OOTD is one of the best songs ever! YAY! "I don't mind saying, that part of me left with you" = crying for dayz.
OH and "What would do I could have you?" until "Wouldn't that be nice??" = crying for decadez.

Tam said...

You were adorable in Grade 5. And those girls had some mad skillz in skirt swishing. You also look oddly attractive as a boy made entirely out of licorice. Keep dreaming, some day you'll be famous.

Anonymous said...

I always loved your solo during graduation, you were awsome! Hey, was it me, or did the video cut you off? How dare they!!!

Yes, I remember the whole 5th grade audition. So, adorable during the performance!!

that's J-O-S-H said...

E. Copterz: I'm surprised you and I haven't listened to "Hotel Paper" all the way through before...and then drowned in our tearz.

Tam: Every song those hoz were in, that was their main goal. Stand still [look pretty], swish your skirt and shut up. Weeee! Just like mah future wife!

[I'm assuming] Cindy: I cut it off mahself cuz I didn't know if other peepz would want their facez up online singing. Plus only I'm important. :D

Jere Keys said...

I always wanted to be in choir in high school and do musicals and stuff but a) my parents made me do orchestra b) my school didn't do musicals and c) one of my relatives convinced me I was hopelessly tone deaf, so I was too wimpsicle to try, too.

Then I got to college and somehow found the cojones to audition for "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum" and learned that I may not be as good as Josh Grobin, but I'm not as bad as Pierce Brosnan.

Anonymous said...

My son is magnificent! And of course you should be famous-then you can buy your parents a big very expensive house like all the big stars do! I must say, I got a little teary-eyed, being the mother that I am, especially watching the the first two. You know how I love that stuff more than anything. I'm such a mom! Love you so much, your very proud mom.

Emily said...

Its important to have goals <3

Polt said...

I think I may have commented on this before, but I love the bookshelves behind your sofa.

Oh and your signing is good too. :D


(seriously, the graduation solo was pretty damn good!)

Word verification: lonezz- the way Sassy josh spells 'alone'. How appropo?

Laura said...

Woo! settler's dance feat me having to be a MAN because not enough cholos in our class had the dropped balls yet to dance in a circle with Kristina Guntermenn.

Also I'm supa happy Leavin' on a Jet Plane cuts off before the my ears bleeding duet so I can pretend the whole thing was as prom memories 04 as your solo.

Michelle M. said...

How can it be Fosse without "jazz" hands? You were the only good thing about the first two videos.
When are you going to take requests? What's going to happen when it's James Taylor or Barbra Streisand night on AI? Or judges choice? Anyway, I'll get my glitter pens out and start making my Josh signs.

hoteltuesday said...

OH! I forgot to say, that skirt swishing was VERY reminiscent of Stevie Nicks so I dug it. Watch the video for "Big Love" and you'll see exactly what I mean.

Michelle: There will be no Babz week on Hotel Tuesday: American Idol. Forgotten Pop Gems week? Yes!

john said...

You sing far better than I do, which isn't saying much, but I mean it to because your voice is pretty good. I think I liked your high school solo best. Oh and if you're your greatest fan, will you follow you until you love you?

Jere: Nobody is as bad as Pierce Brosnan, not even me.

Enrico: All Stevie did in "Big Love" was swish her skirt. It kills me when the video reverses and she does it all speedy.

Michelle: There better be some ABBA, I want to hear Josh sing "Can you hear the drums Fernando?"

Christina said...

HOLY SHIT this entry was overwhelming and i dont know where to bein

JOHNNY APPLESEED! cant believe you got it as a video. and i agree you were the best part of the play. esp because i saw the whole thing. take an apple... PUT IT IN THE BASKET CRY CRY CRY

i cant believe i had never seen your graduation solo before, and am angry it cut off (before?) right after you finished.

ive never heard that michelle branch song but i really liked it based on your rendition. and i really like your whore-ish voice for Gagas (lots of rolling)

on to your other entries... IM A BAD FRIEND

ps,, cherry on this entry is your moms comment (so cute)

callonmevalerie said...

I hate you for cutting out people because you didn't think they'd want to be shown singing on the internetz, yet you kept me plus 80 pounds up there. THANKS. (Though I did appreciate the shout out).

I laughed way too hard at the "I have judgemental things to say about everybody here" bubble, though. Fucking Johnny Appleseed and how you Hopewell assholes talked about it like it was the second coming of Christ. BEAR TAVERN'S "ANIMOTION" 4 LYFE.

that's J-O-S-H said...

Jere: OMGAWDz. I fucking hated "Mamma Mia!" The only good part was Meryl Streep during "The Winner Takes It All" and the worst part was for def def defferz anytime Pierce Brosnan opened his Bond-Gob.

Mom: THAT made me cry.

Polt: I should start using dat! I mean, I am alone most of the time because everyone hatez me!

Laura: OMFG HAHAHAHAHAHH. GUNTERMAN (feat. Germany?!) [Pen Pal Mashup]?

Michelle: Oddly enough, another song my high school choir sang at my graduation was "That Lonesome Road" by James Taylor. How ironic that you would mention him!

E. Copterz: You should it to me before! Hahahah ::swish, swish::

John: NO! I will be singing "The Winner Takes It All" aka my favo ABBA song (feat. earlier this comment).


Val: Um...It WAS the second cumming of Jeebuz Christ! I was in it...and is there anyting better than dat? The answer is "yes, there are many tings better than that."

Chris D. said...

As usual, I love your singing. You were great in that video from high school, and even in middle school. Whenever I hear Love is a Battlefield on the radio I think of you. Keep posting the songs.

David said...

I think I keep repeating myself when I say how freaking cute you are.

The GaGa thing was weird with all the video effekz, I didn't like that.

But the Branch homage was lovely.

that's J-O-S-H said...

Chris: Aw! Tanx for lying to me! I sounded like Paris Hilton's baby voice when I was in fifth grade!

David: No GaGogglez for you then! But my little video was nuffin' when compared with her dying during the VMAz (feat. onstage botched Cesarean section).