Monday, September 28, 2009

My Monday Muse

As you all know, I lurrrve music and lurrrve to record mahself screaming like a dirrty banshee monster singing in mi coche to rando pop songz (feat. posting them on mah blog). I also am a semi-enthusiastic fan of the music of Mariah "Naked Ice Cream Vendor on TRL" Carey. She has made some of the greatest pop muzak of the past two decades and she recorded one of my favo cheesy love songz ever, "Never Too Far." She's also absolutely nutz and therefor givez mah pop culture-addicted mind a constant fix of beautiful kookiness and mental instability. And since this blog is my third jerb and my reeeeeeeeason for breeeeeeeathing, I thought I'd make today's Monday Muse a combination of these three facets of my being and create a double feature highlighting two of mah favo singerz of all time murdering cooing the timeless tunes of M. Carey to the hilt! Today's first muse iiiiiiz....

Valentina Hasan

Yay! As are most of my Monday Muses, Valentina Hasan was discovered by mah college friends (Sam & Xtina wut wut!!!) during one of our many nightz of drunken non-studying. She was a contestant on Bulgarian Idol and won over mi corazon with a fantasitco rendition of "Without You" but since she's dope like dat, she for totez gave the song a wild ass Bulgarian mega remix twist and renamed it "Ken Lee." It had tearz my eyez and piss en mis pantalones:

Belt it ho! She rocks that shiz harder than Scarlett Johansson rockz [non]acting! Though it is obvious why Valentina is a goddess on Earth and deservez a cozy place in your heart between Rhonetta and GellieMan, let me recap the reasonz why she is better than you:

Her lyrical stylingz...durh! - "Tulibu dibu douchooooooo" & "Ken lee mejor moooooore" are genius and I hope that one of deeez days that she records this shet, gets songwriting creditz for it and then wins the Grammy for Song of the Year. She deservez it! Try not to sing it for the rest of the day YOUR LIFE!

2. Her confidence - You must take note [@:11] of how after the Bulgarian Paula responds with confusion at her song choice, Valentina lookz her dead in da peeperz and yes "Yeah" with the most I'm-confident-and-about-to-blow-your-fucking-head-off-via-my-talent tone of voice. Supreme self-assurance is a vital trait in any future wife of mine, so +1 point for you Valentina! Grrrrrrrrl knowz she's hot shit and that ain't nobody out there who can touch her goodiez.

3. Her smoked salmon dress - It's dinner time as I'm writing dis! I'd eat that outfit faster than a hungry grizzly bear!

Valentina was so amazing that they couldn't even put her on the show in fear of all the other contestantz committing suicide out of jellerzy! However, they did have the bitch back during a future program to show all those amateurs how to really bring da house down. She might have messed up her lyrics during the chorus, but the audience [feat. me in front of my lappy] was sure there to help her out!

And who could top dis beautiful deity of glory and style?! Answer: dis guy...

Kim Dong-Won

Firstly, I have to tank one of my bestest friendz in the whole mundo, Enrico from Hotel Tuesday, for prying open mis ojoz to this euphoric delight. If I wasn't a taken man [I lurrrve you Robert Downey! What do you want for dinna tonight?], I would totez fly my love-sick azz on over to Korea to do the nasty nasty with this talented effing twinkfest! What took place when Kim Dong-Won [that fittingly soundz like "Don Juan"] sang his interpretation of M. Carey's "Touch My Body", entitled as "Tuts My Barreh" in what I assume to be a big-time fancy schmancy recording studio? Well, check it the fuzz out and make sure you have a rope tied up on your head to keep your jaw from smashing to the floor:

YAAAAAAAAAAAY for talent! OMGAWDZ. Don't choo just love him? Take note everrrrrrbody! You want get in mah heart pantz? Do this performance verbatim (feat. semi-dance movez) and my underpantz will fly away faster than Britney Spears' during a vehicular exit.

I'd give anyting to have him be a lump on me! Sexxxy! His lyrical rewriting is perfection and my mind is racing with the daydreamz of how he and I could spend our vidaz togethz! I can only wish that there will be a) a camel up a hill; and b) that I can off this Gong Lee ho so I can be with Kim! What would I give to be up his BeeGees like a windy interview? I would for totez honk my berra tara den my favorite cheese [which is Manchego for those curious]. To have the chance to carress him like a tropical priest...I'd do pretty much anyting!

And any slutz dat try and mess wit my man are frrrealz gonna get some asbestos flaygonned on them! Step off hoz! He's mine [en mis sueƱos]! Oh Kim! I for def def defferz cop dat fever for you hundredentu! I DO lurrrve your cock and want nuffin more than to feed you water dessertz! Derriciouz and non-fattening, just like my undying love for you! Sadly though, I have to sit here and wait for the day when we can run a mother break a bottle sicker run day boo together into the sunset. Heartbreak!


hoteltuesday said...

Thanks for giving me credit for introducing you to "Tuts My Barreh"!!!

Coz if you run your mother break a bottle sicker run day boo....

that's J-O-S-H said...

OMG...I'm so sowwwwwwy E. Copterz! Fixed!

Mel said...

I'm not sure which is my favorite thing to do - tu leeboo deeboo douchoo or a bottle sicker run day boo. Either way, having my thighs raped is easily number three on the list.

Laura said...

Come on and give me water dessert feat RITA'S?!?!?!?!!??!?!?!?!?! (alex's lemerlaid remix?)

john said...

WOW! That's some true talent there.

IF anyone needs me, I will be practicing my tuts my barreh performance. It is going to take a great deal to memorize that performance word for word.

Tam said...

Ah, what a great way to start the morning. That first one was hilarious but I love the poor little Asian guy trying so hard.

David said...

I can only hope that our upcoming karaoke gathering reaches such artistic heights.

Michelle M. said...

I love the Bee Gees!

word verification: achiru. Sounds like a word from one of these songs

that's J-O-S-H said...

Mel: Thighz raped = my dreamz come true, but only if it is by a Tropical Priest. Tangy!

Laura: feat. medical illness and popstar lemonz en la ventana?!

John: I memorized it yet can't seem to find an audience to which to recite it to that won't immediately think I am schwastedcopterz!

Tam: His high notez are like forbidden momentz of immense pleasure on my eardrumz.

David: I'm expecting you to break out some old skool Mariah! Or that sad uncle song (feat. me instantaneously bursting into a waterfall of tearz).

Michelle: And they lurrrrrve you too!