Monday, September 14, 2009

My Monday Muse

King Curtis

As we all know, the best show in the entire world is the perpetually judgmental bitchfest that is known as Wife Swap. Every episode there are torrential meltdownz and shouting and crying and storming out and all that dramatic good stuff that pumpz mah vida with joy. There is nuffin' I like more than seeing people force their rigid and uncompromising lifestylez on other unwilling peepz [see: my blog]!

I've spent the past two weeks scouring YouTube to try and find as many full episodes of this trainwreck program as possible. Coincidentally, my good friend Laura posted a clip from one episode on mah FBook page, and let me just say. I. Am. In. Love. Ok maybe not in love, since this week's muse is an eight year-old, but I do appreciate his existence (which is more than I can say about most people).

Let us get some factz straight about our beloved King Curtis. He is a man of his word and a man of his soon-to-be morbidly obese stomach. Don't cross his grease-streak or else you might be trampled over when he stormz off to his bedroom in a fit of unvalidated frustration (his main source only source of ejercicio). Never to have his culinary tastez questioned, he is repulsed by the sight of any food that doesn't come from the Chicken TV Dinna Factory. If it lookz "nasty" [aka "healthy"] he is gonna hatez it...HE DON'T CARRREE!

My future adopted son can only eat a few tingz: a) Chix Nuggetz; b) Cheez Whizzzz; or c) BACON. He lurrrrvez bacon cuz like anybody that has a tongue, he realizez it is the most derricious ting to ever be sliced off an animal, covered in oil and slathered down peepz' throatz. But, he's gotta tell you, IT'S GOOD FOR HIM! How else can he grow beautiful lumpz of jowl on his face or cultivate love handles for his torso?!

C'mon people! Unlike you folkz, King Curtis has his prioritiez straight. Get pleasantly plump [read as: dangerously overweight], lead the team of "having fun" and always set aside time to pointlessly make demonic chipmunk noizes.

And what happenz if any little "bumpz in the road" come along and get in the way of his golden rules of Kingly order? He will tell all you smart little girlz that he's the boss and that you can't try to make him run 30 milez (feat. you gotta eatz sum vegetablez). You will never be able to catch him wearing those little high heelz! JUST YOU TRY!

Now if you will excuse me, I gotza get my stupid cholo butt over to my grandparent's casa and spend a few horaz eating frozzzen nuggetz of chickenz. GOOD DAY!


hoteltuesday said...

This kid actually sounds kind of smart! He should own a business. OMG, future CEO of Burger King!!!

Laura said...

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love King Curtis for 1. referring to himself in the third person
2. knowing that bacon is good for him
3. having parents that learned a valuable lesson from their wife swap: they've gotta make their little noble eat more fruitz... camera pan!... but only with the assistance of a chocolate fountain

also my not robot word is actually almost a word. dryin!

Jere Keys said...

This kids reminds me of my friend (read: bully) from grade school. I hate him and his fat fucking face and his obnoxious redneck slang and the way he shoves my face in the snow just because I won't give him my jello!

john said...

You need a license to hunt and a license to drive, but any moron can be a parent.

I weep for his future spouse.

that's J-O-S-H said...

E. Copterz: I actually thought sumfing pseudo-similar! I thought he was reasonably well-spoken for being that young and that rednecked. He used a lot of big people phrases. He's gonna be a great mean old man one day!

Laura: Wait wait wait...are you suggesting that it is possible to eat fruit WITHOUT chocolate?!

Jere: And though you probz got frostbite on ur lipz, I bet that key lime Jello couldn't have tasted sweeter when you finally got to eat it.

John: Don't worry about his future spouse. She'll be fine. And by fine I mean she'll be eaten alive by him cuz she will be made completely out of bacon with chicken finga eyez!

Dorkys Ramos said...

Best birth control ever right there.

Tam said...

But he can do that little hop when he's mad. That's cute. I loved his like "She thinks she's the queen and we're the Slime People." HAHAHAHA Needs a good butt whoopin.

I noticed Dad didn't do a hell of a lot but stand there and watch. Mind you, that made for more entertaining TV I suppose.

Michelle M. said...

Awww, I just want to smash a twinkie in his face.

Team Having Fun!

David said...

That made me feel greasy.

that's J-O-S-H said...

Dorky: I serial start to worry "What if my eventual children are monstaz like dat?!...then I remember that I would probably murder my child if it ever ate cheese outta da can.

Tam: I like how the video replayed the pissy hop like 5 timez.

Michelle: You're the vice president of that team!

David: Right? My pores need a good exfoliation after watching.

Anonymous said...

Oh boy. Another case (feat. result) of incompetent parenting. It is very sad.