Wednesday, August 19, 2009


I have anxiety issuez. I have come to accept it. I'm constantly paranoid and under the impression that my actions are ultimately going to disappoint someone somewhere. Anyone that is a good friend of mine probably has had to deal with hearing "But are you sure you're not mad @ me?" from me multiple (read as: a million) timez. I do apologize for my nagging, but as I said, I constantly feel on edge and for this round of Q+A! I thought I try and get down to the core of what makes us all a little crazy...and that is FEAR. So the assignment this week, my little babyroonz, is to answer the question:

What Are You Most Afraid Of?

In some wayz, my fearz are pretty run of the mill. Growin' up I was terrified of heights. Still am, but that's not fun to write about cuz nearly everybuddy in the world is scared of that. Yes, my kneez shake when I'm up high. Yes, constantly feel like I'm gonna faint when I look up @ a tall building. Yes, my heart eruptz in terror when I'm on rolla coastaz [note: though I do love dem]. So what's the fun in going on and on about sumfing so borrrring? Nothing. There is no fun.

When I was a tot I was also quite frightened of clownz. Once again, not that crazzzy, but the fact that this fear is such a common one is quite counterintuitive to the whole purpose of clowns in the first place. Aren't they supposed to be fun and joyful and keep children pacified long enough for mom and popz to catch a breath? Instead, they scare the shitz outta babiez with their huge noses and stupid hair and jagged monsta teeth. I remember watching It when I was younger and being all lyke "Fuck deez hoz, I'ma through wit goofyass clownz!" Cuz in case you haven't seen that movie, let me just say that Pennywise is one effed up monkey-flubbing clown. I also hated that bastardo doll from Poltergeist and that cigar-smokin' son of a [demon] bitch from that episode of "Are You Afraid of the Dark?" (yeah, i'm gettin' old skool up in here). Clowns are maniacally happy to the point of psychosis, which is when they come out of their carnival tentz and try to John Wayne Gacy my ass (feat. dismemberment and crawl space burialz). Fudge 'em!

But neither of these two tingz are especially unique. Both of them scare me, but there is one thing on this planet that unnervez me more than being chased my a pack of ravenous clownz around the top of the Empire State Building with no safety net, and that thing issssssss MUSHROOMz.

Yes, yes. Har har. Laugh it up jerkoffz! But I am serial. Ever since I was a little boy, the existence of mushroomz has plagued my mind. I never had the taste for them and I found the repulsively musky with a texture so unbearable that I would heave the second I chomped down of them. But because I was a little brat, my parents would be sure to always spoon me portionz of dinna sans shroomz, knowing damn well I'd lose my shit if even one of those fungi fuckaz entered my mouf.

As I got older and started working at the restaurant I am still employed at (UG), I was forced to engage in mild contact with these worthless creaturez?/plants?/abominationz. And here are the guiltiest offenders to my palate/existence:

: They look like possessed jellyfish (another pointless creature that God must have sneezed out while he was intoxicated and vomming).

Morrellz: Dirrty spongez that I had to clean when I was the restaurant's bitch. They always came in a vat of diarrhea water (feat. nasty wormz).

Shiitake: Nice try, having a funny name and all. But you still are disgusting and you look like you have hair growing outta your dome! Shave, pweaze!

Stinkhorn: I've never seen one in person (tanx0b020gawd!) but I'm sure if I did, I would instantly die. The flippin' shroomz look like diseased weiners, and homo don't play that!

I just don't get why such a terrible thing existz on this Earth. And blah blah...I've heard everyday since I was born that mushrooms are So GoOoOoOd 4 yOuUuUuU...what evaz! Shove it! Why do they have gillz, why are they so ugly, why do they taste like musty closet air and how the pelotaz do they grow so huge?! Why can't mushrooms be like they are video gamez, all happy and smilin' you special powers as soon as you touched one of dem? No, in real life they have to be silent beastz, lurking wherever I am, hunting me and torturing me with their sick existence. Oooooohoooo. I just got the goosybumps tinking about them. Excuse me while I hurl, while I'm away, how about you tell me what your biggest fear is?



Jere Keys said...

Well, my crazy fear of blood is well known. When I was a kid I used to be terrified of Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video and the idea that the devil was in my closet (not some monster, the DEVIL himself).

I'm terrified of disco sticks because I have no idea what they are.

john said...

My only real fear is of deep water. I will go in the ocean, but only to about mid thigh and even then it creeps me out. I can swim and grew up with a pool, but can freak myself out in a big enough pool.

As a kid I was terrified of the commercials for "The Shining".

Michelle M. said...

My mother.

Also cockroaches and having dental impressions.

I don't like mushrooms either. I once drove by a mushroom farm (they grew them in this Quonset hut type building. The smell was abominable.

Chris D. said...

I am also afraid of heights. But I have climbed Mt. Ampersand in the Adirondacks more than once. That was pretty scary! I am scared of roller coasters due to their height, I went on one once. Now I avoid them. I greatly dislike flying, but I have flown before, and will probably have to fly again. I took Xanax last time I flew, it helped. ;)

I get anxious about being prepared when I travel. I ALWAYS want to be prepared. Maybe it is a Boyscout thing.

I dislike mushrooms, but I don't fear them. Apparently I was also afraid of clowns when I was a kid.

I was afraid of dogs when I was little. I was also very ashamed of my fear. I HATED going to new people's houses because they might have had a dog. It was torture for me! I hated feeling so helpless and trapped. This was the fear that had the greatest impact on my life. I became withdrawn from friends that got dogs and actively avoided making new friends who _could_ have owned dogs. I was ashamed to tell anyone why. Life was very lonely, but less painful that way. Eventually I worked through my fear by getting to know some dogs better. I suppose I just grew out of that fear.

hoteltuesday said...

I hate shrooms but I ain't scared of em.

My greatest fear is dying alone. I don't want to be single forever :(

that's J-O-S-H said...

Jere: I'm scared of Lady GaGa in general. Her and her penis.

John: I almost drowned when I was a tot. And which commercial was it? Did you ever watch the actual movie?

Michelle: A mushroom farm?! I believe that must be what hell is like.

Chris: Dogz used to freak me out a lot too. I'm overz it, but I still love cats mo'.

E. Copterz: I've just accepted the fact that I am gonna die all longer scared, just hilariously numb!

Ryan said...

Fungus is disturbing. There is even a species that makes loops with stingers that catch nematodes.

Milo said...

I didn't like mushrooms for a long time though do quite like them now.

Still have a fear of heights.

I'm sure there are a load of other things but I'm back at work after a week off and I just can't think str8 today!

Tam said...

I love you. I too detest mushrooms. That texture is just gross. Good for you? I've never yet heard the nutritional content of a mushroom, because there is none. Its like eating a piece of sponge. If you serve me mushrooms at your house I will eat them and smile and say thank you, but I'll never come back.

I have the typical fears. I'm afraid of heights but only if I'm in the open. Dying. Sharks eating me in the ocean, serial killers.

My biggest fear though is snakes. Sigh. I grew up in a place with no snakes, I'd never seen a snake in the wild until I was about 23. We have no poisonous snakes here so its not like I am afraid they will kill me. I just fear them greatly. Probably until I was 30 I couldn't even touch a page in a book with a snake on it. How stupid is that? When my daughter was born I was determined not to pass my fear on to her and put on my big girl panties and faked it. Ugh. Where did she have her 7th birthday? At the reptile zoo, wrapped in a 15 foot python. OH MY GOD!! And Mommy stood there and smiled and even touched the damn thing the whole time screaming inside and sure I was going to have a panic attack. I've touched enough snakes in the last 14 years I'm exempt for the rest of my life thank god. I don't like reptiles in general but snakes push me over the top into adrenalin rush land.

Oh, I adore your mushroom picture. If only they were that cute in real life.

Polt said...

I have a huge fear of heights, have never been on a roller coaster, and I won't even do Ferris Wheels anymore. But as you said boring.

I don't fear mushrooms, but they're pretty disgusting, so the less I have to do with them, the better. And I NEVER eat them.

When I was a kid, I was afraid of balloons and fireworks, cause of the loud bangs. They scared me and made me cry. But now I quite like a loud bang...particularly in the bedroom!

Ba-dum-DUM! :P


Tam said...

Jere: Your fear of disco sticks could explain your single status. Therapy my friend. :-)

callonmevalerie said...

I used to not like heights, either, but I could always do rollercoasters, but NOT ferris wheels. I think it's because in Ferris Bueller wheels you can stand up and shit, and hence fall out, where in rollercoasters you're strapped in and safe (unless you're in Final Destination 3, in which case you're screwed anyway).

I've always had a fear not of deep water, but the deep ends of swimming pools. I think my asshole sister must've told me something frightening about the deep end as a child, which scarred me for life. I used to have reoccuring themed nightmares when I was a child about really deep swimming pools. It's weird, because oceans don't bother me, and I don't have a fear of drowning, just the deep water. It helped on swim team, though, 'cause at the deep ends, I would just swim faster.

Now I understand why you always ask "are you mad at me?!?!" I'll try not to get irritated when you do (normally because when people ask that, I'm not mad, and the act of asking me if I'm mad makes me mad. Whoops!)

callonmevalerie said...

"E. Copterz: I've just accepted the fact that I am gonna die all longer scared, just hilariously numb!"


David said...

Interesting. A lot of my fears have muted over the years. I used to have a terrible fear of the dark as a kid. Not anymore. Heights are nerve-wracking, but I kind of enjoy the thrill that the fear creates.

I don't like going fast, or at least visibly fast (no fear of flying) so sitting in the passenger seat of car going 80 is an exercise in anxiety, and I don't like to speed down hills on a bicycle.

I do get creeped out being alone in large, dark buildings late at night. I'm just waiting for the horror movie soundtrack to kick in.

I think we all fear dying alone.

I used to hate when mom served cream of mushroom soup, but now I love mushrooms. Love 'em. But I'll refrain when you're around.

Melody, Destroyer of Dreams said...

well because I like to be irritating, mushrooms are indeed very good for you. Some even have powerful medicinal benefits (shitake) plus I think they are delicious.

Heights suck-really suck-I still get weird looking out windows at work since we are the 21 floor and the windows are often open but there are no screens or railings! Like wtf?? What if I fall? It would be difficult to fall really, but that doesn't stop my mind from obsessing about it.

One of ym biggest fears is failing my potential and therefore have people discussing about "how I could have been so much more".

I have also developed and awe-like fear of the universe since I have been watching..well...The Universe..that series from discovery I think. Its terrifying-we are NOTHING and it could end at any moment.

Also can not think about death much-both myself and the ones I love. It freaks me out-as if I keep forgetting I'm not immortal.

Mariel said...

my biggest fear is dying in a plane crash or my family dying in a plane crash. everytime i get in a plane i am sure it's going to crash.

also, spiders.

that's J-O-S-H said...

Ryan: Are you being serial?! Fungi that fightz back!

Milo: Maybe you have a fear of work?!

Tam: I found a dead snake in mah house (tanx catz!) and I nearly shat my pantalonez. Wasn't really scared, but just incredibly startled! Then I wrote a poem about it...serial.

Polt: I do have a little fear of fireworx, mainly cuz two summerz ago, I heard fireworks outside my house late one night only to find out the next day that there actually was a gang shooting a few feet from my window. HATEZ IT (feat. bad memoriez).

Val: Kudoz you for mentioning "Final Destination 3"...I always think about that whenever I'm on a roller coaster. Then I get over it by screaming "AAAAALLLLIIIIYYYAAAAAHHHH!"

David: I too get incredibly nervous going fast! And I can't ride a bike...I get the shakez just tinking bout it!

Melody: After our convo today, all I could tink bout was the world going all exploderz! :(

Mariel: Spiderz don't scare me, but planes...oh hell nah! Instant fear. I cry forevz...or until the ride iz over.

Ryan said...


Tam said...

Ryan: Poor little nemodtode. Not that I know what one is. Aren't they in Spongebob? But its not very smart. If it had just pulled back instead of wiggling he would probably have been free since his head (butt?) was skinnier than where he was grabbed. Although I suppose they aren't known for their brainpower, or brain at all come to think of it.

Ryan said...

Tam: C elegans, which I named my model after, has 302 neurons, so not much brain power at all.

john said...

Josh: I almost drowned as a kid too. I fell in the pool, but was apparently only hanging out at the bottom and not freaking out. One of my brothers picked me up and put me outside of the pool.

I've seen "The Shining" both the movie and the miniseries. I do like the story, but all the commercials freaked me out. The part that really did it was the kid running through the maze in the snow.

Anonymous said...

I hinted at this the other night, my fear is driving alone on long, dark, uninhabited roads through woods or abandoned fields. I'm OK as long as there is evidence of human existence such as houses or buildings! Many thoughts run through my mind like someone or something suddenly jumping out (feat pickle surprise guy) or going around a bend and seeing someone just standing there in the middle of the road. My biggest fear is my car breaking down. Don't even want to think about it! This may sound strange coming from a gal who loves the country but I can't help it!

Yeah, I too can get creeped out by our tiiiiiny planet compared to the whole universe!


Tam said...

Ryan: Well they have about 150 neurons more than the average supermodel then. :-)

that's J-O-S-H said...

Ryan: I have no idea what I was watching there...but I am absolutely creepered out!

John: The scariest part for me was when that ugly bitch ran up the stepz to see that guy in that bear suit slobbin' of some business man's for serial, what the shet is going on?!

Cindy: My car breaking down is for def def defferz in my top ten biggest fears.


Anonymous said...

you forgot chanteralles! theyre the worst.

oh and sharks... i cant even swim in a pool without somebody else in there