Monday, August 31, 2009

My Monday Muse

Steven the Beautiful

You know that terrible feeling of childish jealousy you get whenever you see someone accomplish sumfing that you yourself wanted to? Discouragement, resentment & self-deprecation all start to settle in your mind and you begin to question your worth as a human being. If someone else is able to succeed at the very thing you'd die to, then is there really a point to life? No. And that is why after I finish writing this entry, I am going to hang mahself with a pack of Red Vines ala Juno.

Ok, I'm kidderz...but I AM SAD! This gorge specimen of human perfection in the video below is what I want to be. Sexxxy, stylish, delirious! I have long wanted to be a cross-dressing whore, but there is no way en el mundo that I would ever be able to compete with this goddess of nature:

YAY! My blog just got more attractive after posting that video! The cloudz are parting and I can finally see! When I was a little cholo in middle school, mi hermana and I would spend our summerz doing four tingz: 1. Watching Sailor Moon; 2. Watching Baywatch; 3. Watching Supermarket Sweep and 4. Watching Cops. And it was when I was a little tot that I saw this posted vid! Tanx to my awesome bffffl Enrico, I was reminded of its majesty!

Let's all be honest, dearest bloggy companionz, we're all a bit envious of the glory that is Steven the Beautiful. Firstly, and not to hop on the dick of mah favo site eva, Dlisted, but check out those 'browz! Those pencil-tipped slashez are just the accent to highlight an already gorgeous puss! Acne scarring? Please! That just givez him character! And those crack-chomping lipz! Girlfriend musta slathered on an entire jar of Vaseline, cuz I can barely tell that they are cracked to piecez after a five-hour long oral session with the occupants of the local nursing home -- Hey! Gold-Digging is the way to go! It should be its own Olympic sport.

And the outfit! Perfect for hooking waiting for your cousin Tay in Albuquerque. The key to look good is to wear a cream-stayed black top, cheap synthetic weave and of course, a pair of jean shorts that does not fit as to show off your more-to-love thighzzzzzz. And don't forget to accesorize! Duct-tape shoez are a must and if you need a purse, stop on by your local Goodwill and pick out the classiest [read as: trashiest] faux-leather purse available. Trust me, there is alwayz a prime selection!

Another pointer to looking absolutely heavenly like Steven the Beautiful is to mind your sun exposure. Tan your legz but don't EVER let your face get any color (you'll get sick). You will lose that alluring ghost-whiteness on your puss and then no boiz will ever want to touch you!

Oh and here are some hintz if you are ever in a tough situation. Stuck with no compact on the side of the highway? Accost a stranga and rub your greasy mug all over their side mirrorz! Cuz for serial, a supastar gotz to get her makeupz durn! Get harassed by police officer? Give dem attitude, but never be disorderly! Arrested for being a prostitute? Ask them to pweeze excuse your beauty and then shamelessly whine for your freedom. Follow deez steps and you too can possibly be an elegant lotus flower marshmallow creature like Steven the Beautiful!

The only beef I have with Steven is his name. Like if I was when I become a sexxxy female streetwalker, I would totez give mahself a spicy little nickname. I was thinking something along the linez of Cholita Pop'n'Fresh. That has a nice ring to it...


hoteltuesday said...

I love the way he speaks.

"I'm from AriZONA."
"I ALWAYS have ID it's just I loost iiiit."
"I get sUNburnt."
"Shut UUPPP."

I want Steven to have his own show!!

Tam said...

Enrico, you can type the inflection, brilliant. LOL

Too whiny at the end. She (he?) has no clue what the warrant is for but is sorry so just let me go. Oh yeah, that works. I wonder how cops keep a straight face through something like that. It must make for great stories around the station.

The comment about putting on make "I think you did the better job" was hilarious. I'm not sure Steven really got it.

And Cholita Pop'n'Fresh is a great name Josh. I think if I was going to switch genders I'd call myself Tyrese simply because it brings to mind images of gigantic tough black guys and it would totally throw people off when they saw a short round white person.

Michelle M. said...

I'm in love.

David said...


Polt said...

I would think, when you become a sexxxy female streetwalker, that just calling yourself Sassy will be eonough, n'est pa?

Melody, Destroyer of Dreams said...

lol...yeah I wonder if this person is related to the guy I saw literally humping the sidewalk on 40th street. I'm not joking, it was 7:15 AM, he was most certainly homeless, had his sweatpants bunched down around his thighs, and was rubbing his pelvis frantically on the sidewalk while moaning. I mean-thats gotta chafe, no?

FitzLikeaGlove said...

When I'm reincarnated I want to come back as her/him/it.

that's J-O-S-H said...

E. Copterz: He should have his own show. He could be put in a house with other Monday Muse celebritiez...NO! He could be put in the CHICKEN DINNA FACTORY with Rhonetta, ShamWow Pepaw, Virgania Horsen, the Parking Lot Behemoth and Pickle Surprise! Best. Idea. Ever.

Tyrese: You know Tam, Tyrese def fitz you. That or Jamal.

Polt: I need to represent my [non] Latina heritage though!

Melody: If I had a video of that, he we for def def defferz be in an upcoming Monday Muse installment.

Fitzzz: Hell yeah...I'd give anyting to have eyebrowz that articulate and face craterz that noticeable. SWOOOOOOON.