Monday, August 10, 2009

My Monday Muse

Virgania Horsen

I've written about dis hawt little trick before, but that was back when my blog wasn't fun and when the only people that looked @ it were mahself and my sister when I forced her @ gunpoint to laugh @ me. So thus I thought that it was wise to repost about this goddess of light & beauty. Kristin Wiig (aka the only person that's funny on SNL anymore) must have swallowed a lethal dosage of hilarity pills and had her stomach pumped. Out of the bile and muck grew Virgania Horsen.

The queen of independent entrpreanurs [I alwayz feel so intelligente when I use that word], Ms. Horsen has her finger on the pulse of societal outcrying! The has made it her life duty to address the needs and frustrations of the common man. And what are two of the biggest annoyancez that we as United States citizenz have to fend with?! The post office & airport, you idiot! Watch her commercialz below:

Pony Express

"Why don't you give ME your mail? I'll deliver it."

The goddamn post office! There isn't anything I hate more (okay...I'm lying) than getting in line at the post office to pay my student loanz just to have to wait a thousand hours to buy a stamp and stand behind clueless trophy momz (feat. unruly bastardo kiddoz) and 0ld people who need the postal clerk to give them a front-to-back tutorial on the different sizes of packaging and their correalting pricez! NO! ME FIRST. Ug.

Well, Virgania must have heard my wretchez of pain and agony, because she has answered mah prayerz! A few weeks ago I sent a CD to Puntafriend and bloggy reader John, and alaz it got sent back to me (I blame terrorists)! If I had opted for Virgania Horsen's Pony Express, I'm sure my gift would have been home-runned right into his handz!

So next time I need to send a CD or toaster or drugz or whateverz to pepawz and cholitas across the country, I'ma pick up a batch of stermps and sling-shot it into Ms. Horsen's pie-hole.

And hell effing yes I'd put my stupid little nalgaz on that horse and ride it! Who doesn't like pony ridez? Communists, that's who. Are you a communist? No?! Then get your ass on that bitch's pony!

Hot Air Balloon Ride

"See ya later suckaz! I'ma take myself a hot air balloon ride!"

Here's the scenario: It happenz everytime...I need to go rendezvous with clients friends from all over the world, and without fail I will miss my plane due to the terrible hellhole that is the airport. By the time I get there they've already gotten off on another ho's face gone to the pizza party and I'm forced to hook mahself on the street for coke get dinner by myshelf. Well, once again, Virgania Horsen has me & my problemas on her mind! Hot air bawoonz! Problem solved!

I was tinking, "Why not take a ride in her balloon?" and I couldn't come up with an answer! The fresh air! The non-long linez! Her suit-dress (feat. wicked ponytail)! Wow! She can cut me a deal! With Virgania kicking airport security and terrorism in the puss, my life has gotten ten timez better!

Now if there is only a way that she could fix other problems I have like constantly getting stuck at red lights or keeping little children from making fun of me when I go to daydream at the local park's swingset by mahself. But alas, there is always tomorrow.


Tam said...

You haven't experienced postal incompetence until you've experienced Canada post. Polt sent me a post card from Toronto. Toronto is a 5 hour drive from my house. After he mailed the postcard: I spent the weekend with him in Toronto, he spent half the next week in Toronto, he drove home, I worked for 2 weeks and "WOW, my post card arrived!!" I believe it took 20 to arrive and they must have sent it via the tweaked out hitchhiker down the 401.

In the US, I send my friend in Perth Australia (almost opposite side of the earth) a postcard from Cleveland (city of Satan's spawn) and she received it in 10 days. WTF!!! How the hell does THAT work? Rant done. Thank you for allowing me this opportunity to vent.

Oh and those of us outside the US can't watch those videos. Terrorists you know. phhhhtttt. Fuck hulu.

hoteltuesday said...

I love Kristen Wiig.
I think your next Monday Muse should be Penelope (since she's listed on my FB under 'interests')

Milo said...

Can't see videos either!

Michelle M. said...

Ha! Kristen Wiig is brilliant. I love me some Virgania Horsen. She's almost as funny as you, josh. Just kidding.

callonmevalerie said...

Now, I love SNL digital shorts just as much as the rest (feat. dick in a box) (jizz in my pants redux), but where is your blog entry about Boston, you artard asshole?!

Jere Keys said...

I, too, would enjoy hearing a charming yarn or two about "The Walking City" and whatever misadventures young Joshua engaged in during an inebriated state.

Also, I agree that KW is the only funny one left on SNL.