Thursday, August 13, 2009

My trip to [Augustana's biggest only hit]!

First off, you win a bag of Caramel Cremez if you understand the title of this blog. Good for you! Now, even supa-busy, [self]important bloggerz need a vacation! So that's why I packed a sack and roadtripped to Boston two weekendz ago to visit mah best friend Valerie Rose[Dewitt-Bukater]. She goes to school up there and I thought it would really sweet of myself to bless her with my hideouz presence.

Well, Geebuz knowz I ain't gonna be driving up there [I'm scurrrrrred of driving!] and commuting to NYC three dayz a week [prox 5 horaz a day] keepz me pretty anti-public transportation when I don't need it. So thankfully mah other best high school peep Laura isn't a wimp and a half like moi and was willing to tote my bunz up to da MA with her.

So we left at like 4:30 in the PM on Friday and then treked for prox 463.54 hours (aka like 6 horaz). We stopped for dinna at the only place that's open in Conneticutt @ 10 PM on Fridays: McDonaldz. Now, I haven't eaten fast food in a year and a half. I actually find it quite disgusting (not even mentioning how shitty it is para cuerpos), and I was quite distraught that it was the only option available! Here is a pic of me hating my life via fat food:

Then we finally got to Boston and wept with joy when we saw Valeroni. Even though we were mad tirez, we decided to go out drinking @ dis bar down the street from Val's apartmento. We hung around there and drank and listened to ugly choloz sing "Don't Stop Believin' (the Non-Glee A Capella Remix)." Then some persona started spilling drinks on us and pulling on Laura's gorge hair, so we were all lyke "Peace out biz-nitchez" and then went back to Val's house and cried.

The next day we woke up and were starving, so Val took Laura and I out around town and we pretended to shop and ate at some cute bookstore/cafe. I got a fruit salad cuz I'm gay and then I bought size 27 jeanz @ Urban Outfitters. As we were walking, I found free-advertising for mah blog out on the streets of Boston!:

We then stopped for an afternoon snack @ this ice cream chain called JP Licks. Funny how it's my initialz followed by a verb that will most likely be construed as sumfing sexual. Damn you ice cream Gawdz! Whatevz...I stopped complaining as soon as a spoonful of pomegranate sorbet was ejaculated into mi boca. Derrrrrrriciouz!

Now, to work off the fatness we gained via creamy deluxe treatz, we thought it would be wise to exercise. And what better way to exercise than to kick the shit out of each other in front of a large reflective pool?

We then headed back to Val'z apartment and watched VH1 countdown the greatest songz from the 80s and drank. Laura and Val had vino blanco. I had Michelob Ultra cuz I'm not classy. Laura then helped me make supa-slutty shortz outta the pair of jeanz that I bought. Here I am modeling them and looking pretty whorish:

Then we drank more and proceeded to take prox 200 photoz of ourselves in different poses and at different angles. My vanity is suffocating sometimez. Here are the three of us looking like gorge modelz. Tyra would be proud!

And then we left and embarked on our Night O' Drunkaholix. We started off at some bar that Val is a regular at and we had one drink there before deciding that it was totez not happenin'. We found our way @ some fancy little restaurant and by some cruel joke of nature against the other patronz, I was sat @ a table. I proceeded to verbally threaten strangerz who were strolling down the street (FUCK OFF COUPLEZ. NO ONE [aka me] WANTS TO SEE YOU HOLDING HANDZ AND BEING HAPPY 2GETHZ. I'M ALONE AND GOING TO DIE ALONE, SO GO CHOKE ON EACH OTHER AND DIE) while harrassing the server wit preguntaz like "If you were gonna die tomorrow, like someone was going to cut your throat and you were gonna effing bleed to death in front of ur family, what would be the last drink you'd order?" He said he'd get an Appletini, so that's what I got and it was pretty good. Laura got a Pomegranite martini that tasted like glass cleaner and cranberry juice. I graded our drinkz thusly:

After we were done being attractive and unhappy @ that rezzzzzztaraunt, we decided to go to another watering hole, where we proceeded to get even more shet-faced while singing along with Lady GaGogglez. Then we were given rando free hot dogz which we of course ate. They were lukewarm and wet, but still free. Couldn't. Resist!

Now, @ this point, the only person with a vague sense of reality was Val. Laura was calling high school peepz on the phone and I was screaming and/or crying, so of course to shut us up Val did what any friend would do: She took us to a sausage hut. We ordered french friez, ::nom nom::ed and then passed out on the greasy table tops. I woke up with cold sorez pimplez all over mah jowlz! Sick nasty!

After Hot Dogz 'R' Us, we slothed back to Val's apartment where the two ladiez made fun of everyone in our senior yearbook while I called mi amigo David and cried to him on the phone for an hour while lying in a hallway closet. After embarrassing mahzelf, I felt asleep and woke up to start a new day!

We woke up and decided to peel ourselvez out of our hangovaz by getting derriciouz omlettes @ some tiny little diner deep within Boston. It's was fantastico. We sang pop music en route and laughed about timez gone by! MeMoRiEz! Here are Val and I hugging like queerz:

We decided to be grrrrreat fwiendz and visit our amigoz from high school, Peter & Mike. And by "visit" I of course mean, "have them order us pizza while we watch Legally Blondez on ABC Family." We were appreciative no doubt and to show mah gratitude, I'd like to take the time to pimp out their web comic, The World Wasn't Meant. It's funny. Read it. Then I threatened Peter with violence, shot him with a Nerf gun and took another 50 pix. Then we headed back to Val's!

We then hunted for dinosaurz outside of Val's apartment...

...and we capped our night off right by eating prox 70 Fla.Vor.Ice. We didn't feel bad about it either because we're manorexic! Hurray!

Then we all went to sleep and had pleasant dreamz about Robert Downey, Jr., or at least I did. Pepaw Wet Dreamz = Gloriouz! We had to wake up mad earlycopterz to drop Val off @ class. Then Laura and I trekked back to Nueva Jersey. During our ten thousand hour trip back, we ate at a Dairy Queen and witnessed a drug deal happen eight feet from us. There is nuffin like cocaine distribution to end a perfectly wunderville weekend! If you want to see the full catalogue of pix, go on over to my Facebook and comment your nalgaz off!

Who wantz to go on mah next roadtrip adventure wit me?! Where shall we go? YOU DECIDE! I'm too lazy.


Polt said...

Just a couple things:
1) Size 27? Bitch. I totally hate you now. I don't recall EVER buying size 27.
2)You wear the drunk hooker look quite well. Looks like you mighta had trouble if you had to bend over in those shorts, eh?
3) Hot dogs lukewarm and there any OTHER way to take them. were acutally talking about hot dogs, and not just using sexual innuendo....
4) How come I never got a crying phone call from the Sassy josh in a closet? Course, i DID get a 'jes a lil bit TIPsy' Craiggers call once, so I guess that makes up for it.
5) Still rocking the Drunk Hooker while visiting friends, eh? I wonder, if we ever meet, will i get to see Drunk Hooker Sassy josh?
6) Drug deals at Dairy, sounds like MY town!
7) looks like you had a blastcopterz! Thanks for sharing!


vuboq said...

If eating at McDonald's makes people puke sparkles, I'm going to start eating there ALL THE TIME!

Looks like a fun trip. I'm all jealousz.


Chris D. said...

I like your shirt in the fastfood photo.

I think those may have been the tightest (non-spandex) shorts I have ever seen. Heck, I think I might have seen a VPL. ;) I think I had a 28" waist in high school at my thinnest. My max was 34", a few years ago. Now I am around 30", and happy with that.

I went through an Appletini phase, but haven't had one in a while.

It looks like you had a fun time.

Jere Keys said...

Wow, I'm worn out from reading that. And I've got that goddammed song stuck in my head "She said I think I'll go to Boston. I think I'll start a new life, I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name..." and it's making me mellow and a little weepy for no good reason.

Also, I've said that real men play as Jigglypuff in Super Smash Bros, but I'll have to make an exception for unlocking the playable Josherz character.

callonmevalerie said...

You forgot a shout out to our new BFFLz, Random Fug Cholo Josh Thought Was Cute, and Whitney Port And Her Plain Friend!

You can thank our dumb/hot waiter for that unimpressive appletini. I can thank our waiter for getting me to drink faster.

Also, I look gross in all the pictures you used (feat. why didn't you airbrush out all the imperfections I don't want anyone seeing that I have so that maybe one day I'll find someone to love me superficially?!?!).

I think I'm still bloated from all those Fla-Vor-Ice . . .

Michelle M. said...

josh, you crack me up. "Not important", the puke sparkles, the fighting sequence. Love(z) it. But Tyra's face was the best.

I have to try Flavor Ice now (I only know Otter Pops).

And I'm glad I wasn't the only one watching Legally Blondes.

And what drink would you give an A+ to? I think I would give an A+ to mudslides.

And I would take you to Disneyland. But I already promised I'd take Enrico. And buy him a balloon.

David said...


Yur photoshop skillZ are amah-zing.

john said...

WOW! You were about 45 minutes from my home and didn't visit?!? So disappointing.

As I've mentioned, those shorts are bordering on obscene and still can't figure out how you fit your junk in them. I can tell what religion you are in them.

Looks like you had fun. I love he super kick picture with Wario and Kirby.

that's J-O-S-H said...

Polt: Of course you will meet Drunk Hooker's mah favo alter-ego and I alwayz bring him out when meeting new folkz! First impressionz es muy importante!

VUBOQ: Not only does it make you vom up glitter, but just imagine what it does to your hoo-hah! Oh LAWD CHILD!

Chris D: You are the third person this week to tell me they like that shirt. I've had it since high skool, and JUST NOW people are complimenting it. Maybe I finally grew into it.

Jere: That song alwayz makes me cryercopterz! Your caramel cremes are on their way.

Val: I was completely unimpressed with W. Port's borrring ass amiga. Be funnier and compliment me!

Michelle: Legally Blonde[z] was stellar. I smell Oscar...I mean Golden Globe nominationz! And an A+ drink? Rum (feat. coke)...I down that shiz like jizz ( rhymed)!

David: Be careful or else I'll put you on speed dial and call you during every case of drunken anxiety-induced faux-crisis.

John: I <3 my ho shortz. They make me feel like a real boy!

Tam said...

Okay, Ben, from Ace of Cakes was wearing those exact same shorts when we saw him in Baltimore, but he didn't rock them like you did. I knew he was gay though, because seriously, straight boys wouldn't be caught dead in those shorts.

I thought you were out of the closet. :-P Looks like lots of fun. Come to Canada next time (make sure you have a passport).

Ha, my word verifcation is strutto, seems you were doing some strutting in those shorts.

Peter said...

Man, now I'm never going to be able to go back to JP Licks without thinking about you licking something. Thanks, now ice cream is ruined forever.

Polt said...

Okay, something else just occured to me...back last year before I lost 30 pounds, my neck size for shirts was 21.

SO, previously, my neck size was just an Average Penis Length away from equaling your waist size!

...not sure which one of us should be more concerned... :)