Friday, July 10, 2009

They were maneaterz!

I hope everyone had a fantastico fourth of July and celebrated our country being born or whatever that shetz about. I know I had a great weekend full of judgementz and rude burstz of lashing out @ strangerz. My wonderfully devilish friend Chris lives down by the shore and suggested that he and I head on over to this club that's on the deck of THIS gay resort/hotel/sex dungeon. So after taking a 3.5 million hour train ride (feat. 17 tranferz), I got to Asbury Park and Chris & I drank some and talked about disliking most people before heading off to the club.

Now, piggybacking off of my previous entry, let me reiterate that the margin of gay malez that I find attractive is a very small sector. I don't want too much flair, finesse, flamboyance or fuckitude in a mate...the relationship should be able to exist outside of a gay-themed zone. AKA, I want to date a normal guy. A "normal gay" [a term Chris seems to have coined]. Well, Chris and I are two peas in a very small pod when it comes to our perceptions of the gay world, so it would make sense that he and I stuck together throughout most of da noche.

As soon as we entered the fray and were slapped with our wristbandz, the very first ting I notice is a large man (a bear, if you will) rip open his beautiful plaid lumberjack vest and throw his girthy front against the bar, screaming like a small child, waving dollar billz at a completely unimpressed bartender. I immediately ran. And by "ran" I mean, walked to the bar and ordered us drankz. After paying too much for too little alcz, Chris y yo meandered our terrified asses out to the deck and then up to this balcony that overlooked the the sausage fiesta. Then our criticismz began. From above, the entire area looked like a sea of flesh grinding and shaking, looking like delicate ripplez in an ocean of depravity. A large pool was the only real divider in the bunch and I would later become surprised that not even some of the frothiest lushez attempted to gain bathroom boyfriendz via stripping and soaking their nalgaz in chlorine.

@ gay barz, everyone looks the same. Except for Chris and I. I think we were the only two queermoz in the entire club that wore clothes that fit correctly. Many guyz (skinnier than me! HATEZ IT!) were wearing jeanz tighter than the chastity belt around Jordin Porksauce's danger zone. Serial...your pelotaz must be DYING in there! They need some air...and air they got if you happened to stumble into the bathroom and see some fine gentleman hugging aggressively in the stalls. Cute! They love each other. Chris mentioned to stay away from one stall in particz cuz when he opened it, a gay zombie was just standing there staring at the wall. Dude! This isn't a glory hole (I think?), get outta da way so I can drop a log and make some lemalade! Chris and I also noticed how more than half of the gringoz in the place had bald headz. Now, to be fair, there were quite a few pepaws about, thus explaining the lack of noggin follicles...but still! There were also a bunch of younger dudez...is shaving your head the cool gay ting to do?! I've heard of manscaping...but isn't that going a bit too farz?! Vomz!

Chris and I then went back inside and made more rude comments about everyone. In any situation where I am consuming alcohol, as I get drunker I get meaner and (in my head) funnier. At one point this dude with any ugly grey wifebeater walked by and I think I said something along the linez of "Stop being near me! Idiot!" He was drunkeroni and cheeze so he just smiled and started necking some dude next to him. Vomz [part deux]. I [kinda] regretted screaming at this gringo later the next day when I got on my train to go home and the same man in the same wifebeater strutted up behind me. I actually did run away this time and hid from him! Anywayz, inside was the dancy part of the club, but the music they played was that weird thump-a-thump-a-thump-a music that is repetitive and annoying and doesn't feature lyrix. NO! Play fun, stupid pop songz that I can sing along to while pretending I'm in a sexxxy music video! The best part of dancing isn't the flirting with strangaz or even dropping some sweet movez; it's eyefucking an imaginary camera and busting out every word to every song, thus impressing everyone around you yourself! Durh. Don't these cholo DJs know anytingz?!

But even though it was terrifying and there were scary gayz everywhere that would have murdered Chris or I if we weren't glued to each other's sidez, it was still fun to spend time with a fellow 'mo that I actually liked being around. Oh, and ripping on people that aren't me is my favorite sport (durhz, you're reading Josh Is Trashy, so you clearly know this 'bout me alreadyz!). If I was in the Olympic gamez, I would win gold. Or not compete cuz I'm lazycopterz.

Here is a snapshot of Chris & I's drunken night o' judgement:



Do you have any wild & crazy [kidz?!] adventurez during ur vacation?!? SHARE WITH ME!

12 comments:

hoteltuesday said...

Hilarious!

Paradise/Empress Hotel is mere blocks from my home... and THIS is why I've never gone. (And because you gotta be 21 to get in!) How did you end up going before me? lol. And thanks for visiting me since you were on the same street as my job! Gringo!

And hey! Bald isn't always vomz! Jere Keys pulls it off quite well.

I'm kinda sad Glambert wasn't photoshopped into that pic btw.

that's J-O-S-H said...

I actually went there last summer and stayed in a hotel room! Weird and rando! Sorry I didn't visit, I'll have to make it out there sometime just to say "herro!"

And I tried to put in Glambert, but his glitter hole caused my computer to overload on suckage and shut down.

And bald is good on some peepz! Jere Keyz does pull it off well. He also isn't an annoying lozer I would be mean to at a club! PS, he's moving to NYC so we might actually be able to have a Puntabulous party!

Jere Keys said...

If you boys don't stop complimenting my shaved head of beauty and my beard of awesomeness, I will promptly run away every time I see you. Because that's the way to react when someone says something nice about you.

that's J-O-S-H said...

Oh! I'm supposed to run away from people when they're nice to me! I was confused as to why no one wanted to date me...next time I'll just walk away. Hoorah! ::criez self to sleep cuz no one wantz to love him (feat. my last entry)::

Tam said...

You're such a funny boy. My daughter informed me I was "sooooo mean" when I decided to critique all the idiots at the Canada Day celebrations. Hey, if you weigh over 100 lbs, skin tight lime green lycra dresses cut to the crotch are a no-no and even then only when working the pole. And a red plastic bag tied around your boobs is NOT a tube top. What can I say, I have an eye for these things. I wasn't even drunk, I'm just naturally cruel.

Despite your run in with the scary guys sounds like it could have been worse. I mean we might have needed your dental records or something.

My word verifcation is renting. Hmmm. Maybe you should consider becomeing a rent boy and pull a Julia Roberts and get yourself a nice rich normal gay that way. It works in romance novels.

David said...

I was there once last summer. I didn't have much fun either. But for me it was that everyone knew each other from the Jersey Shore gay scene and I was this outsider. Plus I totally wanted to go in the pool but knew I might as well tattoo a huge L on my forehead if I did that there.

Word verification: chubstr
ha!

Cwallstonewall said...

U got that night down momment by momment God. Cept you didnt include the mega old Draggy who looked like Lady Gaga! We are bastards arent we!? Ha luvz it!

john said...

"The best part of dancing isn't the flirting with strangaz or even dropping some sweet movez; it's eyefucking an imaginary camera and busting out every word to every song, thus impressing everyone around you yourself!"

No kidding! I didn't listen to those songs a thousand times in a row to have some dirty trick hit on me. I have a camera to skull f*ck. Plus, you have to tell shirtless dude #634 to get out of your light, he is ruining the shot.

Michelle M. said...

Josh, Josh, Josh... you are too funny.

Tam, stop hatin' on my tube top.

Chris D. said...

Ah yes, Paradise... I have been there. It was one of the first gay clubs I went to when I began coming out. It was a weird time for me. I didn't "get" the gay scene, or how I fit into it. I have a memory of one night ending in tears as a realized that no matter how drunk I got I could not seem to reach the level of mindlessness projected by the denizens of that place. I did not fit in. When I blog about that I will even include a photo of what I wore. I was a sheep in wolf's clothing (you may have a field day making fun of it).

In time I learned to _make_ my own place in the gay world. Gay clubs do not intimidate me anymore. They are not really my scene, and I don't feel any need to fit in at those places. When I went back to Paradise I was a part of my friend's entourage (he is a singer/songwriter). I felt above the fray, and that helped me to see the craziness and realize that I did not need to fit in. I could just be me.

I have been to quite a few gay bars and clubs over the years. I don't check my sensibilities at the door. I go just to hangout with friends. I never expect anything from them, and thus I am not disappointed. I certainly don't expect to meet any guys I would consider dating at those places.

Sometimes one's judgments can be a reflection or a refraction of one's own issues and/or insecurities. Before I came out I was homophobic and very judgmental about what I perceived to be the "gay world". I worked through those feelings, and became a more tolerant person. I know there are many things in this world that are not right _for me_. I try (though it is not always easy) not to look down upon other people whose perspectives I may not fully understand. Everyone is as they are for a reason. So long as people are not hurting themselves or others in clear and obvious ways, I try to live and let live.

One of the reason I am involved with the NJ Pride Center is to help provide social alternatives to the bar scene for GLBTIQ people. I know we are making a difference.

Polt said...

Wow...should I ever be in a gay bar and see you come in, I'm for realz running outta the place, causecopterz I'd totally end up in tears under the withering assault of your critcism.

And that's only if we were already planning to meet there. Gay bars aren't intimidating, josh in gay bars, now THAT'S intimidating! :)

verifaction word: hofying...like ho-fying. freaky....

HUGS...

David said...

@Polt: LOL!

word ver: Meatr, as in "that's right, pretty boy, dance to my meatr."