Friday, July 17, 2009

Quadruple Feature!

When I was in college, I was an Arts & Entertainment writer for my school's newspaper. I was also the resident movie critic and would churn out film reviewz like Heidi Montag churnz out terrible songz. Well, I thought I'd channel the collegiate me of over a year ago and review some moviez that I have seen in the past two weeks. Excitingz!

Spring Breakdown

"Get it together!"

I watched this film because... The day after my 4th of July adventure, my friend Chris and I were tired from our heavy drinking and decided to loaf out on his couch all day. And what better way to cure a hangover than to watch other people get hammered?!

I thought this movie was... a hysterical romp through college depravity. Laughing @ drunk people (including mahself) is in my top ten favo pasttimez, aka what this entire movie is.

The best part of the pelicula was... whenever Amy Poehler did anything. She makes my lungz run out of air and then I die via laughing too hardz. Oh and her husband Will Arnett (who has a cameo as a blind guy) makes my San Andreas fault shake like a 8.0 Richter scale earthquake. Oh and this may make me an immature little gringo, but I still find people spontaneously vomiting to be absolutely hilarz.

The film could have really done with more... slutz degrading themselvez and flashing their boobiez. Let's be supa serial for a hot minute, can a film ever have enough chesticlez?!

What I hated about it was... that ho Kristin Cavallari and her unecessary role as vapid blonde bitch #3. Go back to Laguna and record the shitty pop dance record we all know you're secretly dying to eventually make.

All in all I think... it's funny to watch over-sexxxed youthz disrespect demselvez. And I'm beginning to realize that any movie (or TV show) featuring Jane Lynch will instantly become a classic in my book.


"Game over!"

I watched this film because... I'm sucka for horror filmz, especially those first-person jabbiez like Cloverfield and The Blair Witch Project. It'S lYkE Ur iN da MovIe!

I thought this movie was... terrifying and a creative idea for a film. I mean, it might not be a remake of an 80's slasha film or a Japanese-inspired ghost story about scary children (aka every horror movie nowadayz), but it was fantastico and did have me making browniez in my pants @ some partz.

The best part of the pelicula was... seeing crazzzy old ladiez attack peepz. Now whenever I see an old woman on the subway, I don't feel bad blatantly sneering @ her, cuz for all I know, she could be an infected hussy who is fixin' to eat my face off.

The film could have really done with more... scenez where Jay Hernandez takez his shirt off. There weren't any in the film and that's bullshit. I mean, if you are gonna have a movie starring someone with as much Latino heat as dis perro caliente, then you need to have at least one scene where he lets his nipz pop out!

What I hated about it was... how the trailer and movie poster ruin the movie! I hope some movie executivez got fired for that shiz. If you see the pelicula, you will totez understand why I'm pizza'ed off!

All in all I think... it was one of the best freak-out moviez in a long time. It reminded me of one of my favo video gamez en the entire mundo, Fatal Frame in how it was filmed. And nostalgia = key to my heart!

Little Children

"I was only trying to cool off!"

I watched this film because... Now that I have Netflix, I've been totez about looking up former Oscar-nominated moviez in the hopez that by watching them I will be more likely to reach my dream of winning the Best Supporting Actor award sometime in my future. Oh, and I want Enrico to like me more.

I thought this movie was... similar to American Beauty in its depiction of how fucked up suburban life really can be. And anyone that knowz me (or took my Facebook friendship test!) is aware that American Beauty is my favo movie of all time.

The best part of the pelicula was... listening to Kate Winslet be sassy and sarcastic to the cast of stupid gringa neighborz she has and watching Patrick Wilson hypnotize me with his hot-as-the-sun torso. Derriciouz!

The film could have really done with more... sex scenez cuz they were mad sexxxerz and I am apparently just going through puberty now.

What I hated about it was... Jackie Earle Haley didn't win an Oscar for his role as a "recovered" sex offender. He did an amazing job, and I'm sorry Eddie Murphy (from Dreamgirls) and Alan Arkin (from Little Miss Sunshine), but that statuette frrrealz belongz to him!

All in all I think... twaz one of the best overall filmz I've seen in a good loooooong while. And it reaffirmed my desire to put off having children for the time being. So much responsibility!


"The baby is a dick magnet."

I watched this film because... Durhz...everyone in the entire mundo is talking about it.

I thought this movie was... funny but nearly impossible to describe. Though I didn't find it as gut-busting as some other choloz I know, it did have its moments that put me into stitched-up hysterix.

The best part of the pelicula was... the talking penis. I. DIED.

The film could have really done with more... harrassing of Paula Abdul cuz she's awkward and making fun of the West Boro Baptist Church, cuz dem hoz iz crazycopterz!

What I hated about it was... the gross makeout scene in the wrestling ring. Vomz! Why couldn't they just have spliced the sex scenez from Milk in there instead?!

All in all I think... the movie was funny, but just like with filmz like Napolean Dynamite and Borat, I didn't and still don't get why people are so obsessed with them. They are all funny filmz, but geeeeeebz, they are for def def defferz not as funnerz as Spring Breakdown!!!

Have any of your cholitaz seen these filmz?! What did you tink?! Tell me...NOW!


hoteltuesday said...

Little Children had enough sex scenes! You already get to see Kate's boobs and Patrick's scrotum. And you want more?! Perv!
Know my fave part in LC? The fork part! YES! LOL @ how J.Con can't hold on to a man.

I thought Bruno was really funny but didn't like the talking p33n actually. Some grandma walked out of the theatre when that happened! I like his convo with the gay converter and his hunting trip more!

john said...

Quarantine is a poor remake of a Spanish film "Rec" (as in record). It is completely worth seeing.

Brüno was funny, but not as funny as Borat. I thought the story wasn't as tight and the interviews weren't as good. The talking penis made me laugh my a55 off as did the conversation with the gay converter (Your lips were made for something else...). I also lost it at "Darfive".

I can't comment on the other two as I haven't seen them yet.

Milo said...

I haven't seen any of these yet! :S

Tam said...

Haven't seen them and won't because:

#1 - can't stand dippy chicks
#2 - I'm too chicken to watch scary movies
#3 - meh, not even to get Enrico to like me more
#4 - whatever, too much hype. I haven't seen Borat either.

BOSSY said...

Thanks for this... Bossy will put these on her queue for the next time she feels tired from over drinking, i.e. TOMORROW.

Jere Keys said...

Hey, I was an A&E reporter and film critic in college, too. My most famous article was not one of my reviews, though, it was my coverage of the "moon off" where our college broke the world record for most people flashing their ass cheeks at the oldest building on campus. As a reporter, I got to stand on the balcony of that building and check out over 1,000 bums. We held the record from 1996-2001 when the Swedes managed to get more buttocks on display.

Anywho, the only one of these I've seen is Quarantine and I wasn't all that interested. I think I spent more time mocking it that paying attention to what was going on.

Chris D. said...

Interesting. I have not seen any of these movies.

I liked American Beauty. It was an artful exploration of how beautifully messy life can be. I have not seen it in years. I should watch it again.

Michelle M. said...

Haven't seen the Spring Breakdown or Bruno. Little Children was okay. When I see Jackie Earle Haley I just think Bad News Bears. Quarantine was okay - I also heard the original Rec was better. I kept waiting for the scene you mentioned (shown on the box and trailer). It pizza'ed me off too.
Have you seen Let the Right One In? It takes place in Sweden (about a child vampire). I enjoyed it and liked the ending. They're doing an American remake and Matt Reeves (Cloverfield) is going to direct.
I'm watching The Unborn tonight. I loves me a good (or bad) horror movie : ).

that's J-O-S-H said...

E. Copterz: You know I'm a pervert. H3ll, anyone that readz my blogs knowz dat about me.

John: I knew it was based on another movie, but I still thought it was pretty scary. Boo for you not liking it!

Milo: You better get on that and see them and then comment on my blog about how you don't agree with me (aka the theme of this comment thread)!

Tam: I don't know what "dippy chickz" are, but if they involve Amy Poehler, then I adore them.

Bossy: You win best comment of the month. ::golf clapz::

Jere Keyz: My most "important" article was an editorial piece I wrote on that crazy bitch Sally Kern. It got a lot of hitz on the newspaperz website, I had several professorz approach me about it and then it was one of the top resultz from Google when you searched the ho's name. I thought I was hot shiz.

Chris D.: Let's watch it togethz! I already watched it with Mr. Enricoz, so now it's time to share it with another Puntafolk!

Michelle: I can't think of Jackie Earle Haley without thinking about that last scene on the swing. Gag Central! Oh, and I actually saw a Netflix copy of "Let the Right One In" sitting @ my friend's apartment in Brooklyn two nightz ago. I thought about swiping it from her roommate, but decided that I was gonna try and be something I've heard people call "respectful" and leave it be.

Laura said...

If I ever suspect my husband is smelling some other betch's panties and wrapping them around his face, I'ma call you and order one dragging to hell with a side of crazy bitch sees dead people and murders her daddy's new girlfriend.

Also I'm not seeing Bruno until it's free on my free HBO and remember how fridge LOVED napoleon dynamite? Dan and I spent the whole movie texting each other various ways and reasons we wanted to kill ourselves while sitting next to each other and she got so mad.