Monday, July 27, 2009

My Monday Muse

[Former] Miss Teen South Carolina

I have to tank my friend personal matchmaker Jordan for introducing me to my future lover. This gorge beauty above will be the father of my bastard children. I know it. If her obvious sense of style and ambition of looking like a fat Vanessa Carlton didn't woo mah heart and throw my whore-ass down onto my kneez, then for def def defferz the video below seducez me and thus causes my clothes to suddenly be ripped off in anticipation for our honeymoon. Check out this vid where she addresses the city council of Someplace, California about...I guess, agricultural issuez? Not entirely sure, but that's because her speech to the board members is so engrossing and powerful that it encompasses many of today's national issues. Watch and then let me profess my respect for her brain:

Hot Topic Issue #1: Pesticides
For obvz she is a concerned California resident (I mean, it is her home. SHE LIVEZ THERE!), that apparently is up-in-armz with the use of dangerous pesticidez on organic produce. Why can't they use a safe-for-human-consumption chemical on the all-natural organic cropz?! I hear ya Miss SC! The first question I tink of when I hear the word "organic" is: It's all natural and blah blah, but how tasty and safe is the chemical that [isn't] coating its flesh? I mean, nothing screamz "HEALTHY! GOOD FOR PEOPLE!" more than [perfect] toxic chemicals blanketing a derricious strawberry that you're about to feed your 5 year-old child (after freezing forever). And organic cropz without pesticides?! Are you crazzzerz? The food will rot and we will die, cuz we need the food cuz it's FOOD (feat. stuff).

Hot Topic Issue #2: Rent
Downtown there are apparently blocks of empty buildings waiting to be filled with expert thing-making people (and their machinez). But what with the rents being so high, no one can afford to work there! People! This is our home! This is California! I am with my girlfriend on dis, for serial. How can skilled nobodies make their shiz and sell it in stores if they can't afford to even exist?! Just imagine it folkz [and try not to pop wood with their euphoric ideaz], California shopownerz could be effing rich in cotton, mining gold and silkwormz if they were just given fees low enough to get their asses up-and-going! Glorious day! Silkwormz everywhere! Tink of all the tingz...CARZ that we the machinez can make for us! My mouth is watering worse than when I see a half-price bag of caramel cremes at the grocery store!

Hot Topic Issue #3: East Coast Manufacturing Methodz
Leave it to mah girrrrl to expose the dastardly evil labor discretionz of the east coast.'s true. We do have slaves and do believe in slavery/made-in-China. Eye-opening! Watch out Andersen Cooper, this deity just might be taking your jerbz! When she unsheathes our terrifying slavery tactics, look how that ignorant uninformed cholo behind lookz up in shock! Another fool made wise by my mamacita! On the new west coast, they believe in unionz. Gawdz! We are such barbaric monstaz here on the Atlantic Coast!

Hot Topic Issue #4: Agricultural Costz
People! We live in California! This is our home! This is where we live! Agriculture is not that complicated! There are two kinds of treez in the world. Fruit trees and veggies trees. All you do is grow the trees, pick the produce and freeeeeze it. If you don't freeeze it? It will go bad (in approximately...awhile). Want to know why growing food is SO. GOOD? It's free! When I heard her utter THAT word (aka my favo word in the total mundo!), I had to take a break from my laptop to go cool off with a couple dozen Fla-Vor-Ice. Damn she knowz how to get my hawt! Allz we has to do is pay the farmerz! FREE! She does pose a question to the board though that I'm sure they haven't been able to answer yet. In fear of not properly paraphrasing her intricate inquiry/hypothesis, I thought I'd just transcribe it her way: "Why do we have to pay for the land? The land is free, it's new land, ya know? Do we have to pay for the land? Do we have to pay rent? Do we have to pay? Umz, the food's free so we should just............sell it at the...farmer's market."

What a skilled speech-writer! And that delivery! This goddess would for def def defferz give any 8th grade Public Speaking student a run for their money! I for one hope that Miss South Carolina's speech swayed the council (she got applause! They love her too!) and that they will work with her to create a "California Thing" that "will really work out."


hoteltuesday said...

PSH! I thought this was gonna be a post about my true love, the one who talks about the Iraq and all that!
This woman was cool too.

M. Nicodemus said...

Take THAT you heathen East Coasteners! Our crops in California is FREE unlike your slave labor vegetable trees! And we make cool stuff and sell it to each other 'cause we are the bestest!! Oh, and our NEW land, as opposed to your withered up, gnarly old land, is FREE, as long as we pay rent, while you have to pay for your decrepit non-organic land. West-sieede fo-eva!

Ryan said...

I'm going to spend the afternoon making the perfect pesticide that's good for people. Based on her statements, it sounds like we don't have it yet because we haven't tried.

Do you and Enricocopterz have any slaves?

David said...

I will have to view this when I get home tonight. It sounds almost too good to be true.

Laura said...

I will not apologize for my real fruit non organic made and brought to me by my East Coast slaves.

Anonymous said...

Chemicals that are good for us?! Could it be true? This woman has a vision and I think it is up to all of us to lend our support. When we finally do have the perfect chemical for all plants and humans maybe we can add it to baby formula and feed it to children to help them grow too. After all, it's the least that our East coast asses could do. Did you have any idea that fruit grows on trees? Well this is news to me! She praises the Bush administration so she must be really concerned for the social welfare for one and all. I could go on and on but I will stop here. Truly this is sad and further inspires me to want to get in front of my own classroom ASAP to help fight against future ignorance!

Anonymous said...

I will eventually get an account! That last post was from me!

Love always,

David said...

Wow, that was almost better than sticking nails in my eyes. Props to the city council members for not peeing their pants and screaming "shut up, shut up, shut up" somewhere in the middle of that.

Rachel P said...

Oh my god! In this dumpy former beauty queen, I see Lenin reborn! She's like the lovechild of Che Guevara/John Locke/Robbespiere (it was a kind of crazy chimaeara-creating semenfest.) When the revolution comes, she will be at the forefront, demanding free land and free food for the underappreciated, rentless, hungry, masses, especially the ones good at making thingscars to sell in stores. What vision! What brilliancy!