Monday, July 20, 2009

My Monday Muse

The ShamWow Pepaw

Ok, so this dude's actual name is Vince Offer. He's that stud with the contorting beef jerky face and penetrating-to-the-point-of-discomfort eyez that is always yelling @ you while you try to watch Wipeout and other equally awesome showz. No, not Billy Mays...he's the dead one. Mr. Offer is known for pimping out during his aggressively demanding informercialz for the ShamWow (a magic towel that can hold a lot of liquid) and the Slap Chop (a hand-operated food processor that was already invented ten yearz ago). I think I may be alone here, but I tink he is quite attractive and I lurve his veiny armz, crusty hair and angry demeanor. Oh! And he was arrested a few months ago for beating some ho down that was all maker outerz with him and sunk her girl teeth into his tongue and wouldn't let go. For obvz he smacked her face off. Then got arrested. Geebz, that's reason #274 that I don't make out with girlz.

Anyway, I think he's supa hot and his faux-enthusiasm for artarded products makes my trigger switch get even testier. Take a look @ his famous advert for ShamWow:

Vince, tell me about the ShamWow. What are its benefitz?!?! WOOOOOW! It's like a sponge, shammy AND a towel...all in one?! And yes! You're right! I do work too hard to have to bother with tingz as mundane as cleaning. I CaN LEt Da ShAmWow dO aLL thA wErkx FoR mE! It's a comfort to know it's made in Germany, cuz though I can't tink of a single item in my life that comez from wherever that place is, I'm sure they do a great job. Apparently Olympic diverz use it to wash off their hott bodiez, but I tink I'd much rather wash off Vince's hot arm hair...with my face. OMGAWDZ! I hate smelly cola! And carpetz! He and I are so much alike!

Please take note of the genius testimonialz and how beautiful all the cholaz are that they interview. Funny how they all have hard-onz for the ShamWow, yet seem to be at some sort of garage sale for it, holding unwrapped packages of this God towel. They must love them so much that they all jump in their old lady vanz and follow the ShamWow convention around the country like a bunch of hungry groupiez! If Vince was there, you know my stupid ass would be driving worldwide, buying every last ShamWow they had.

Of course beauty and genius are two tingz that don't go ignored, so here are several hilarz parodiez of this aforeposted infomercial:


I'm so strong! Eeerrrrrrgggg!

Jesus Christ Sponge!

Oh no! Party foul! No, I'm just kidding, I'm doing this on purpose.


That nose is gonna pop a butterfly!

But my dear bloggy friendz...though imitationz may be hysterical, nothing is really funnier than da real ting. Case in point, my future prone-to-violence and thus estranged husband's infomercial for the SlapChop (aka our favo position):

What I learned about the SlapChop:

a. With this device, I can "slap my trubblez away."
b. Baby Carrot + Celery + Tomato = Salad, a fine substitution for pizza.
c. What begetz a borrrring life? Boring tuna, you idiot!
d. Hard-boiled Egg + Pickle + Green Onion + Ham = Breakfast[?] & an Exciting Life!
e. I'm gonna love his nutz...oh well, I already knew dat.
f. Life is hard enough as it is, and I don't want to cry anymore! Murder an onion!
g. The key to making America not fat anymore is slapping, lotz and lotz of slapping.
h. The accompanying cheese-slicing device, the Graty, can be used to make tacoz, frettuccine, linguine, martini AND bikini!

Between the ShamWow, SlapChop, Graty and daddy Vince's domestic abuse, there really is NOTHING else I need in life. Well, maybe some self-respect, but that's asking a lot.


Polt said...

I think he's shaggable too...but then, it's not like I have high standards or anything.

"I'm gonna love his nutz...oh well, I already knew dat."

*snicker, snicker*


john said...

Why does he wear a head set? Does he think he is Janet Jackson circa 1988?

hoteltuesday said...

The first two ShamWow parodies were hilarious.

And I HATE the martini/bikini part. It makes no sense. I scream in pain each time I hear it.

Did you see this sweet remix?

Jere Keys said...

My theory is that this guy used to sell speed in a disreputable part of Jersey. Some ad executive heard him hustling a 14-year-old rent boy and said "I bet we could make millions if we had this guy hawking cheap crap on television!" Shaggable? Not with a 10-foot pole (although the mental image of shagging him with a 10-foot pole is amusing).

Michelle M. said...

I like the beginning of the Jesus Christ sponge spot. Sponges are so difficult to use - I'm going to slit my wrist!. The beginnings of infomercials are my favorite part - these people make ordinary tasks look impossible - shaving, spreading butter on bread, grouting.

I may or may not have bought the 10 year ago version of the slap chop. I may or may not have used it twice and then donated it to Goodwill.

Tam said...

Ahhh, who doesn't love Vince? I only saw that Slap Chop for the first time the other day. What a guy.

John: the headset is so when you call you are talking to Vince himself. He's manning the phone 24/7, never takes it off.

that's J-O-S-H said...

Polt: I'm glad we agree on something!

John: Or every pop star during the last 90s early 00s?!? PS, I will be putting your CD in the mail on Thurzzz.

E. Copterz: the bikini part makes me mad as well, but not as much as the "r" he puts in fRettucine. WHAT?!

Jere: Well, Polt did say he would shag him, maybe his "pole" is ten feet.

Michelle: And they always accidentally hurt themselves with the primitive device and overreact while the host starts to blather on and on about how you can't LIVE without their poorly maybe reinvention.

Tam: What a guy indeeeeed. I wonder how prison is treating him...I should drop him a line...CONJUGAL VISITZ!

hoteltuesday said...

OMG I just realized the strawberry sparkles at :48! It's like Christmas Magic! Yay!

Julia said...

hmmm veiny arms. delish

p.s i'm happy to see passion pit on your last fm