Monday, July 6, 2009

My Monday Muse

Bitchez Gettin' Hurt

I swear I am actually a nice, sensitive young man. Sometimez. I promz! But I can't help that seeing dumb hos have pain inflicted on them gets my laughing gearz oiled and starts a waterfall of uncontrollable hyperventilation. But I am not a completely cold-heart snake (just look into my eyez!), for each of these six mamacitaz deserved the embarrassment and pain of their abuse! Please allow me to explain...

Grape Lady

I'm sure that this vid is nothing new to anyone reading this entry. It's like the cold sore of viral videoz...everyone sees it and keeps spreading it to otherz. Sexxxy simile! Anyway, if you are the one cholo in the world who hasn't be blessed with these video's greatness, then let me explain. Some human-sized troll doll is interviewing some normal looking lady about some vineyard somewhere. They are stomp-stomp-stomping away @ gross buckets of grapes (feat. foot fungus) and discussing some contest where gringoz could win a stay at the wine place and whatever whatevz. The troll is totez not listening and then tells her to chut up, does a little artard dance and then proceeds to cannonball her ass outta the tub and onto the punishing Earth. Upon impact the sound of a thousand strangled manatees erupts from her gut climaxing with a declaration of not being able to breath. When this happens I too am gasping for air because I have never seen something so hilarz in my entire vida. And don't call me an insensitive prick, cuz I'm not the only who has died laughing @ this skank's pain. Family Guy has parodied it, and some wannabe YouTube DJ has remixed it. Oh! And p to da s, make sure you watch till the end of the video and notice how hard the female studio anchor is trying not to laugh her nalgaz off. Don't suppress it, dear! Laugh away!

Lesson Learned?: There is no cheating in grape stomping! And don't be ugly.

Helen Keller

[UG! Queer stupid disabled embedding! Click HERE. ]

So I did stage crew for all four terrible yearz of high school and I've had and seen my fair share of dramatic "oh fuck!" moments during showtime. So and so doesn't have their right prop, or what-the-slut forgot her I understand the stress and humility that goes into live performancez. But still, if a colleague of mine was to face plant their ass off the stage like this fake blind girl does, I would bust out in tearz and heckle the shiz outta her until I myself collapsed in a puddle of exhausted panting. Sure, there are prox a bajillion and a half vidz online of people falling off stagez and sure, they all make me a little stiff. But this video in particularz is worth mentioning because, um...she's playing Helen "There's A Lot Of Shiz Wrong With Me" Keller! I know it's rude to make fun of disabled people, but I feel morally alright because luckily this thespian descent is starring someone merely portraying Ms. Keller. That's okay to laugh (for hourz) at...right. RIGHT?! What I think is awesome is how she doesn't break character and how she continuez to stumble her away back onto the stage. Hey, you could say that the fall was less a mistake and more a study of getting [really] into character! Good job nameless actress!

Lesson Learned?: Don't be respectful of inspirational dead people. You will get hurt and embarrass yourself.

Treadmill Wipeout

I know this is just a bite-sized video, but it is still quite derricious (like Shark Bites!). Treadmills are a constant source of entertainment (tanx Ok Go) and are especially wonderful when ridden by artarded cholitaz with poor balance and a running start. There is not much to say except that it's funny to watch people fall. The sound of her walrus thighz smashing against the treadmill made my heart leap up with happiness. What I love best of all (aside from the brevity of the video and the complete lack of explanation for it) is how at the end she is propelled off the machine, arms outstretched utterly failing in holding on. It reminded me of the ending to Drag Me To Hell [spoiler!] which had me in devilish tearz.

Lesson Learned: Don't work out. It's gonna hurt and you will get dragged to hell.

The Wedding Swimmer

I shouldn't be posting this video/enjoying it as much as I am, considering that my sista just got engaged and will be doing the marriage tango sometime soon, but eff it...STILL FUNNERCOPTERZ! "OMGAWDZ! It's da happiest day of mi vida! I can't wait to be married and shit babiez out and..." ::SPLASH::! Why would you have a wedding @ the tippy end of stage overlooking a faux-lagoon inspired pool quarry?! That's just axing for troublez and, troublez is what this blushing bride got. And by "blushing" I mean "soaked and unhappy." So many awesome tingz take place in this video: A ruined wedding, a guy falling on his face, a wet bitch, wet religion, a million girls shouting "OH MY GAWD!"...priceless. I like to pretend that the wedding was thus called off and no one got married and everyone was sad and went home crying.

Lesson Learned: Don't ever get married (or be in a healthy, happy, loving relationship) because it's gonna end up in pain and it hurts all the sad, lonely, depressed singlez (aka me) out there that want everyone to be as equally miserable as them.

Scarlet Takes a Tumble

This is the quintessential "laughing @ someone else's pain" video that needs to be highlighted on my blog, even though everyone and their dead grandmaz have already seen it. Why, Scarlet? Why does it seem like a good idea to scale that table, groaning under your girth, in those fabo shoez? Like, I totally understand the desire to record urself pulling some wannabe Dreamgirls shit and pretend ur Beyoncé Jennifer Hudson and everyting (I've done it myself), but why is it necessary to thrust ur business up in the air, on top of that flimsy ass table?! it can go on YouTube and I can laugh @ I get it. Whoever posted this version of video deservez a million hugz for playing it in slow motion at the end and making me hysterically cry in the coffee shop I am sitting in. I slightly feel guilty for laughing, but then remember the time that I went to go see "Sweeney Todd" in theaters and tripped and fell walking up the stepz and the entire auditorium (including mahself) erupted in cruel laughter. It's because of that that I feel validated in losing my lunch over dear Scarlet's misfortune. Oh! And I adore the non-stopping witch cackling that comez from this lady after watching Scarlet's crushing cataclysm.

Lesson Learned: Don't be a dumb fuck.


HAHHAHAHAAHAHahahhdsfdjsdhfsfhsdjfhshhehreahrheaj. I. AM. IN. TEARZ. For durhz I have seen this video prox two thousand timez before, but it is still the greatest thing on the planet, even after years of viewing. According the Microsoft Power Point intro, this dog-faced gringa was bitching about some dead chick and THC and blah blah...::POW!:: For some ole reason, granny here got her knickerz all tied up and let that hoss have a punch to da puss. I not only love that wrinkled fist boom boom powing that lady's noggin, but I adore the receiver'z look of utter shock afterwardz. Ho! What do you expect. You gonna talk shit, you gonna get smacked. That's why I do all of my trashing via the interwebz...ok well, I do it in person too, but I don't let my subjects hear my verbal assault. Geebz lady, get ur gossiping under control. Oh, and let's all acknowledge the genius of whoever edited the video to rapidly play the abuse over and over. My bowelz seriously hurt now.

Lesson Learned: Read Josh Is Trashy everyday to understand the intricaciez and techniquez of talking like a hateful garbage-mouth gringo. This here is an expert writing this shet!

Do you know of any hilariouz videos that I forgot?! Put the dignity and moralz away and joined the depraved pool of insensitivity that is my blog!


hoteltuesday said...

Lol. I like all of these.

This isn't a fall or anything, but I just saw it the other day and thought it was funny.

Jere Keys said...

I feel like a terrible human being for laughing.

FDot said...

I believe this is the greatest post I have ever read anywhere at any time. I can (and have) spend hours watching people suffer horrible mishaps.

One of my favorites is at:

Short....but so sweet.

that's J-O-S-H said...

Enrico: Why is he suddenly naked?!

Jere: It's so much more fun on the dark side.

FDot: You'd think that if she was a professional gymnast she'd be able to avoid giving herself a concussion via head-first plummeting into the equipment.

Tam said...

I love you sweetie. I laughed until I cried. You'd fit in my family like a dream. The best part of the first one was not her fall but the sounds she made after. THAT was funny and table dancer was hilarious.

I like when pretty people fall and if they are half-way famous even better.

Anonymous said...

hahahah!! The woman falling off the table is funny enough but the viewer reaction had me in tears!!!
You gotta love it (which of course you do)!


john said...

I laughed way to hard at all of these.

Michelle M. said...

Josh - you are a kindred spirit.

I'm not sure which is funnier - the videos or your descriptions of the videos.

Tam said...

This arrived in my inbox this morning and I immediately thought of you. And everyone else of course.

Tam said...

Okay, I'm working so hard today I had to forward those videos on to the guys at work. Here is the family guy version of the grape lady. My god the sounds she makes kill me. She sounds like a wounded seal. BWAHAHAHHAHA

Polt said...

Anyone that has a wedding over pool has GOT to assume someone's gonna fall in it. Or else they're an idiot.

That Best Man though is NOT gonna be welcome in the bride's home, I can tell ya that.


hoteltuesday said...

This was funny/scary.

I kept hoping someone would just pee on him already.

that's J-O-S-H said...

Tam: I love how that other chola also fallz on her ass when she tries to help Electra. That's what you get for trying to do something nice! PS Sky Gnome = Me.

Cindy: I also love how the other keeps watching it over and over again.

John: You can't laugh TOO HARD at people in pain.

Michelle: My descriptionz are funnier. Promise.

Polt: He doesn't need to go to that slut's house...he can come party with me and the rest of Puntabulous Crew as we go out of our way to make other people's livez miserablez.

Enricoskatez: I think the toilet scat man is attractive. Weird?