Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Music Video Vault

Missy Elliott feat. Ludacris & Trina -
One Minute Man"

WHAT'S THE DEAL?: Arguably one of the most the successful rapperz (and for def def defferz the most famous female rapper, sorry Lil Mama) in the game, Missy "Don't I Look Like Halle Berry Posta?" Elliott is known not only for her slick rapz and sick beatz, but her music videoz have totally made an imprint on the world of televised musica! Oh and they are fucking frightening. Back a thousand yearz ago she made that sluggish debut single "The Rain (Supa Dupa Fly)" that had a very disturbing video of Missy E. dressed like a giant garbage bag with exploding lipz and "I'ma Rape You" glasses. Terrifiez! She has a number of other memorable videoz like the demonic "Get Ur Freak On" with its tribal wailing and dancing corpsez, "Work It" an epic anthem to shaving chochaz and speaking backwardz, "Pass That Dutch" where she's a possessed scarecrow with cannibalistic fat friendz and "Lose Control" which featurez the Aaliyah-wannabe hermaphrodite known as Ciara and Tommy Lee dancing for some reason.

"Misdemeanor Say So" has won prox a million awardz for her music/videoz and she will be releasing a new disc sometime later this year. Here's to hoping it's a success, since she's been outta da gamez for awhile now, and here's also to hoping she makes more uncomfortably elaborate music videoz to scare me! Howevz, there is probably not a single ting that Missy can come up with that can make me more awestruck than this featured video. "One Minute Man" was the follow-up to "Get Ur Freak On" and it featurez guest rapping by the love of mah gangsta life Ludacris (mmm...absolutely derriciouz!) and that walking diorama of the stagez of herpez, Trina. And durhz since it's a Missy video it's effing strange and slightly upsetting. Enjoy!

The video beginz like any great narrative should; it introducez us tot he setting that our story will be taking place in. Good storyboarding! Well, some Nubian beauty with an affinity for eye-rolling and wearing zebraz as hatz informs us hos that we have stepped our unsuspecting asses into the Get Ur Freak On Hotel. Cute homage to the previous single! It's very "Come On Over Baby (All I Want Is You)" by Christina Aguilera where she mentionz "What a Girl Wants." I love when artistz do that shiz. Well she givez this guy some sexclock or something and sendz him on his way to bone that broad he came in with.

Then we open up to the lobby of the hotel where Missy and a bunch of hawt dudez are wearing green duct tape and dancing. We are then taken on a tour of some of the finest sweetz offered at the Get Ur Freak On Hotel. The first one featurez self-beheadingz and birdcagez. I like to pretend that this room is paying tribute to "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" but that's just cuz I'm upset that Missy ripped her own head off.

The next suite is AZN-themed and featurez some martial arts inspired Jamiroquai slip/slidin'. Missy's doing some pretty sweet movez, but the sexxxy dude is oblivious. He's too busy doing push-upz and flashing his pit-pubes to notice Misdemeanor breakin' it down. Dude, she's pulling some Matrix shiz right in front of you and all you can think about is doing repz! How shellfish!

But whatevz. Now it's time for my favorite room! The Sexxxy Magic Chocolate Bar of Love Room feat. my future [non]baby's daddy Ludacris and some other hos that aren't me. I don't know what my deal iz, but Luda and his tiny little frame and huge dawg eyez and pedophile facial hair really getz my special zone going into overtime! I'm serial. He rapz a bit about how he is totez not a minute man and how he will get your oil changed and check your fluids and your transmission! Then he'll balance and rotate all tirez?! How nice of him! Sign me up! I for def def defferz need a tune-up. It's been, what...about 6 monthz?

Oh and here's a shot of Luda on a shakey shake bed with whore #1. And here he is fingering whore #2 in the hot tub. And here he is, um...drugging (serial, look @ their eyez!) and rocking whorez #3 and #4 while cleaning up their translucent jelly discharge?! Ew! Vomz a million timez. Not cuz I'm disgusted. Because I'm jealous.

Then some red lady who is dressed like a nun singz and I'm all like, "who the fuck are you?" back when I saw the video when I was in high school and figure out who she was. Then it's time for Trina and I put on my swine flu mask and triple wrap my wang. For those of you unfamiliar with her, Trina is a female rapper who's had success with singles such as "Pull Over" (that azz too fat!) and "No Panties" (she can't suck ur dick and get her lipstick smeared!). She's raunchy and gross and talkz about orgasmz every three secondz. And I love her for that. She's on some gyrating platform with these tattooed dudez dancing behind her. She's kinda wearing clothes but I'm too busy listening to her classic flow that featurez genius linez such as "1 minutes, 2 minutes, 3 minutes. Hell lot of pleasin', you gotta sleep in it," and "I'll work your ass out like aerobics." Her rhymez are sooooo epic that my two college friendz (Xtina & Geranium) neglected all of work schoolwork one night just to learn every sicknasty last syllable! I can't help but think that with the surreal look of this room and its twisted clockz and painted clouds, that it's trying to replicate some of Salvidor Dalí's artwork. Maybe Trina isn't such a C-rate rapper than no one rememberz, but rather a muse to the great artistic minds of the world! Beautiful!

The video then endz with Missy crippled on the floor and crawling her way across the lobby. Some cholitaz are dancing next to her while Trina smutz about some more, Timbaland has sex with a girl in the middle of the hallway, Ludacris does something hott and Ginuwine appearz out of nowhere to flirt with some whore. Then we check-out and make our way directly to the free clinic to see if picked anything up during our stay.


:05 - Wait. Let's rewind to the beginning of the video. The desk clerk with the dead animal sombrero; she tellz the afroplaya that it's $10 a minute, but he lookz like a $5 brotha? So does that mean he's only gonna be pumping his creamer stick for prox 30 secondz? That's probably not even enough time to walk to the room! And wait! Then she rollz her eyes as he walks away...bitch, you work in the Get Ur Freak On Hotel where you charge by the minute! You can't be disgusted if this is your everyday occupation. If it botherz you so much to see these one minute manz, then why the shit do you work in an establishment that caterz specifically to them!? I'm sure Target is hiring. Geebz! What a sour-puss Sally!

- So the afroplaya from the beginning has magically turned into longtime Missy collaborator Timbaland?! And what's seriously wrong with his girl's face?! It's puffy Renée Zellweger face! Run!

1:08 - I'm glad they didn't pretend like all the weird shit going on in this video is normal. Case in point: THIS DUDE's look of confused horror at seeing Missy dancing sanz cabeza.

2:50 -Ludacriz spills his cream on some prostiwhore. Jellerz!

3:25 - Trina's orgazmo shouting makes me instantly soft.

THE CONCLUSION: Only Missy could really create something as disgustingly explicit and uncomfortable as a "one minute man" and have it not only become a successful single, but also have the term more or less become actively assimilated into our language. Funny ting is, I always had a hunch that Missy might actually dig the chocha herself. I think it's a fair assumption, though not as painstakingly obvious as let's say...Queen Latifah. Regardless, Missy is for sho supa dupa fly and I'd let her (feat. Ludacris) work me any day of the week. Sexxx!


hoteltuesday said...

Hilarz, but I now hate you for liking Ludacris, my least favorite male music artist evz.
And how did you not mention the fact that Trina calls herself "Lil Mama" in the beginning of her rap?? lol! And does she say "I'm all class"? I thought I heard that but I must be mistaken.

Anonymous said...

Missy! This is a classic! There is no beat better to dance to than Missy's beat! I had a dance teacher that used to play Missy songs during class warm ups, ah the energy was amazing. I misserz dancing to Missy!

Anonymous said...

Oops, forgot to sign my name, that last comment was me Josh!


How cool would it be to have a dance party featuring Missy songs and other favs (Aaliyah!).

Christina said...

so i used to be obsessed with the Rain video. like obsessed, its mezmerizing.

thank god miss yhas a new cd oming out.


john said...

Hysterical! "I don't know what my deal iz, but Luda and his tiny little frame and huge dawg eyez and pedophile facial hair really getz my special zone going into overtime!" Made me snort.

I've also always suspected that Missy digs the cocha.

that's J-O-S-H said...

Enricoz: I'm sure you can come up with a plethora of other reasonz (aside from liking the cuerpo y cara de Ludacriz) as to why you hate me.

Cindy: Hell yeah dancey partiez.

Xtina: The scariest part of "The Rain" video is when she is sitting on the hill and lookz like that fat CA Gina (feat. Mini-Milanoz).

John: She for deferz lovez the vageeeeeeen.