Tuesday, July 7, 2009

I wanted to crawl in between those black lines of print.

...anybody with half an eye would see I didn't have a brain in my head.

Lately my mind has been stuck in a proverbial rut. To say I've been depresserz would be an understatement, with my thoughtz swimming through a mess of confusion about my life, my world and my future. Not to be a huge Joshie Downer, but I thought I would spend this entry discussing theez tingz that have been bothering me.

I hate to say that the root of my problemz comes from being gay, but eff it. A lot of them come from being gay. I have been alone since January and while that may not seem like long when compared with others who have being living sin compaƱero for yearz, for me it's a change that I am having a difficulty coping with. An overwhelming sense of loneliness seems to be branching out of my time spent alone and it's be causing me mad stress and keeping me up at night. I miss the companionship of not only friends and family that I don't see as often as I'd like, but of a more intimate partner.

Now as anyone who has done the gay club scene can tell you, there is never a lack of dudez looking for "part-time" coupling and a cheap thrill or six. But I've begun to realize that my scope for potential partnaz is a small and condensed one. Thinking about on the countless number of gayz I have met in my life, if I had to list the ones that I actually would want to have pursued a relationship with, the list would probably be...hmm...lemme think...3? 4? And thus displayz my agony: A) I hate being alone, but B) I'm picky and particular when it comez to matez. My love life is obnoxiously mutually exclusive!

I am throwing in my "Z-play" into this entry to keep it light-hearted, but my seriousness is for truth. I feel this overwhelming sense of frustration that is based around this idea that I have met all the men I will ever meet in my life that will ever make me want to be in love. And while I know I am only 23 and while I know how silly it sounds to proclaim such lofty and nutty statements like the one I just said, I still can't argue with my brain when it tells me this.

I've alwayz been a sensitive little sprout. When I was in elementary school, I remember being yanked out of morning circle to sit in the guidance counselor's office. She wasn't the normal counselor though...she was some Emotional Training counselor who's office consisted of a desk and two folding chairs shoved unfittingly into a slop closet. I would sit in one chair, and she in the other as she would make me close my eyez and imagine clouds and shet. I don't remember the point of her pseudo-hypnotism, but I think it had to do with trying to get me to stop crying all the time. And I did cry all the time. I distinctly remember having a sore throat one class and being embarrassed at being called on and having a scratchy voice. What the hell?! Who doez that? Apparently 8 year-old me, that's whooooo.

Anywayz, as I grew up I became emotionally stronger, yet I could always tell that my thought-process was also much more delicate than that of my peerz. Anxiety and self-deprecation plagued me throughout college and have begun to reach a peak during the past few monthz. I would say that my life, on paper, is pretty decent at the moment. I have two jobs (one to pay for the bills and one to give me professional experience), a great deal of loving friends, a wonderful family, my health, my education, my penis, my talents (yeah...I do have some...I think)...so why do I still find myself getting so darned blue? I look to my future and get scared of what it holds. But not just a "oooh...growing up is hard!" kinda scared. I mean, sometimes it's a crippling fright that causes me to bug-a-boo and start to shake. This fright leads to a slight desperation which then leadz to self-pity and loneliness. Then I get so tired from thinking too much that I eventually pass out for a day and feel better when I awake.

Now you tell me folkz: Am I crazzzy?

I also hate people to ask cheerfully how you are when they know you're feeling like hell and expect you to say 'Fine.'

Coinciding with all of this internal fistfighting, I decided that it was a good idea to start reading Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar cuz you know...that's not really sad or anything. Now, at first I didn't see what all the hubbub was about this book being mad depresserz...but halfway through...Forgetzaboutit! I won't write a synopsis of the book for ya, since you all should read it as soon as you finish this entry, but let's just say that I found myself feeling many of the tingz that the narrator Esther Greenwood seemz to experience throughout the expanse of the book. [Let me cut you off mid-thought: NO! I haven't tried to kill mahself, don't worry.] A troubled young girl, she is faced with the difficultiez of finding oneself happy in a cold, difficult, unwelcoming mundo. Her candid honesty was quite appealing and one of my favorite partz of the story: "...her cornhusk voice made me want to puke."

However, as I finished the book and talked to a few friends about these issuez that have been bothering me, I feel as though the "bell jar" has been lifted a bit to allow me some fresh air to breathe. While I think I could very well be crazzzy, I'm going to try and convince mahself that, yes the world may be a monstrous place, but the only thing we can do as people is deal with it and move on. I don't want to waste more time being needlessly sad. I'm dunzo.

How did I know that someday-at college, in Europe, somewhere, anywhere- the bell jar, with it's stifling distortions, wouldn't descend again?


Jere Keys said...

When I was in high school and coping with depression issues, I read TBJ followed by The Fountainhead and a whole bunch of Albert Camus books. As a result, I think people should get a note from their psychiatrist authorizing them to read those books.

I've been more single than not for about 7 years. I won't bother with the usual "oh, you'll meet the right person" comments... I know it sucks to be alone, but it does get easier. I find it helps to make fun of the annoying things couples do... like constantly checking in with each other about really stupid things or arguing about lame stuff like whose turn it is to do the dishes. I love reminding my roommates that I get to do whatever I want all the time.

hoteltuesday said...

Yes! The Bell Jar. I'm so glad you read it. I loved the quotes you pulled. But my favorite line from the whole book is, "Girls like that make me sick. I'm so jealous I can't speak." I freals stopped reading for a second and reread the line. Ugh. I feel for Esther(/Sylvia).

At least you do have those things you listed. Jobs are hard to find! And you're an amazing poet. And you don't have swine flu. And at least your penis is.... oh. n/m. tmi for your viewers?

But seriously, how are me, you, and Jeremiah ALL single, yet all attractive? What a world.

Oh, and know what will undepress you?! OUR MUSIC VIDEO (coming soon!)

that's J-O-S-H said...

Jere: "checking in with each other about really stupid things"...for some reason that had me laughing till tearz!

Enricoz: hahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahaahhahahahaahhahahaha bdsfhbsjhfhdsjfhjsf hisef hsjfhsfgshgfsjhdfgjhsgfsjegfsdbfjhdsgfjhsd


Nathan V. said...

Oh Josh, I know what you mean, I've been feeling lonely lately because I've been single for a mere two months, and since I'm already starting to feel lonely, that must make me seem oodles more lame than you. From what I can read about you, you seem like a great guy. I know that I would date you in a heartbeat. I'm incredibly certain that you will find the right man for you in time. And you shouldn't feel bad about being picky. You need to be in a relationship that you will feel good about. Chin up. You're awesome. Erdoodleskaterz.

Also, try reading happy books. Good Omens is the single funniest book that I have ever read. I made my best friend and my mother read it and they both agreed that it was hysterical. Try that. If you just want a really good book, read Middlesex by Eugenides.

Jere Keys said...

Enrico: You're such a tease about Josh's penis. Now I'm curious.

Josh: Yeah, this afternoon, I was talking with Jen when we were interrupted because Jacob (who was at work) had to call and let her know that he was going to stop and get cigarettes instead of coming straight home. He gets off work at 11pm. He called at 6pm. I don't care how much I'm in love, if I ever do that, I hope someone shoots me.

Tam said...

Ah hell, depression sucks hardcore. BTDT, not pretty. I don't know what the answer is, time? A change of some sort? Have you graduated college already? Maybe you need to move somewhere and start over? But then you lose the support of friends and family.

I could give you the spiel about how long I've been single and your time will come, but I know my situation is entirely different being at a different point in my life and with a child to raise on my own. So no brilliant advice.

On the topic of happier books, ever read any yaoi manga? I have some I could send you. Nothing like drawings of Japanese boys doing naughty things to cheer you up.


Michelle M. said...

The Stupidest Angel by Christopher Mooreis the least depressing book that comes to mind. Maybe it will lift your spirits. And for crying out loud, don't listen to depressing music when you're blue - that'll make things 10 times worse. At least it does for me.

I don't even want to tell you how long my dry spells were when I was your age (years - ugh). But I always preferred being alone to being in a crap relationship. What got me through was friendship and the fact that I enjoy my own company (most of the time). And reading helped. And tv. Lots and lots and lots of tv. Oy. Anywayzle, I know how you're feeling, I've been there and I feel for you. Here's hoping you, and Craig, and Chris D. and Enrico, and Nathan and almost everyone else in Puntabuland finds their special (and not in a retarded way) someone soon. At least you're in good company : ).

Chris D. said...

I can relate to many of the feelings you have shared. My early to mid 20's were hard as hell, for lots of reasons. I almost drowned under a sea of frustration, depression, and hopelessness. I plan to blog about that part of my journey in the near future in the hope that it may encourage others.

At many times in my life I could not see the way forward. I always found it, and it was consistently more amazing than I could have ever imagined it would be. With time and experience I have gained the confidence to be optimistic even when the way forward seems unclear to me. We are each the master and commander of the ship of our own lives. You control your destiny. The road can be hard, but those who dare to reach for greatness may grasp it.

You are young. Hang in there. Life gets better with age and experience. ;) When I was in my twenties, turning 30 used to scare the crap out of me. However, I feel better, stronger and more powerful now than I ever did before. I only came out a few years ago, and I am still single. I finally feel like I am in a stable place in my life. I am in a better position to have a real relationship now than I had ever been before. When I was younger I was looking to be saved by a knight in shining armor. Now I am not looking for salvation, but rather a synergistic soul mate. I am also picky, and that is OK. I want to fall in love with the right person. I am totally content to wait for the right person, rather than settling. But it is important to be open, and to be looking in the right places. Think about what that means for you in your life.

You have physical beauty, an active mind, and I sense a deeper power in you. I believe that you can harness those same emotive forces that cause you such pain now to make your life better. I think you have huge potential.

john said...

I'm not sure I can add anything to this tread that hasn't already been said, but here is my two cents.

You're not crazy.

My twenties were difficult for the same reason most people here mention. It was depressing, frustrating and lonely at times, but there were fun times as well.

Everything changed for me around 28 when I became more confident in myself and more comfortable being by myself. I'm not going to lie, it wasn't easy, but it does get easier with time.

Be patient with yourself. The only one pressuring you right now is you. Also, be kind to yourself, try not to look at yourself in "negative" terms (picky, sensitive, etc.). Use this time to find your strengths and develop your talents.

The last thing I can say is that if things are getting rough, seek help from friends, family, or talk to an objective professional.

Melody, Destroyer of Dreams said...

Well we discussed all of this yesterday but again-you'll get there. I am currently in one of those happy relationships that annoy the living crap out of everyone-but I still get uncomfortable in my own skin every now and again. A lot of it is internal and wrestling around with the same demons and has little to do with the outside world at all, but the the good part is the wrestling starts to end in your favor...eventually. You will still get the shite kicked out of you, but you'll come out wiser and on top.

David said...

I don't know if I'm the right person to give you any advice in this department. We chatted briefly about this earlier in the week. All I can suggest is that you strive to grow stronger as an individual. Only through owning yourself and loving yourself can you gain the self-presence that both attracts a partner and provides you with the strength to endure, should one not appear.

Hang in therez.

Anonymous said...

I thought you threw in the "Z-play" but you just couldn't help yourself could you? Next paragraph: 'I've alwayz been a sensitive little sprout.' ...And that is just one of them ...

that's J-O-S-H said...

Nathan: I am reading "No Country For Old Men" now...cuz as my previous post signifiez, violence makes me feel better.

Tam: Not so sure about Japanese boyz...any ones with Robert Downey Jr. and Ryan Reynoldz?!

Michelle: "Craig, and Chris D. and Enrico, and Nathan and almost everyone else in Puntabuland finds their special (and not in a retarded way) someone soon."

Almost everyone?! Who is excluded from your well wishez? :)

Chris D: I'm serious when I say that your comment started to make me cry. In a good way.

John: Unknowingly I seeked help from all you wonderful bloggy friendz of mine. I never would have thought that you'd all come rushing to help me and it really meanz a lot to me. Damn...I sound like Sappy McGilucuddy.

Mel: Tanx for constantly listening to my sob storiez every single week.

David: Loving oneself is difficult but I am getting used to finally getting comferz in my own skin.

Anonymous: This might have been a serious post, but it's still being hosted on Josh Is Trashy... :)

Michelle M. said...

Whoops! I meant everyone else that is single in Puntabuland - and the majority are. I didn't mean just a select few. Although Ryan can suck it.

Just kidding Ryan - I kid because I love you cupcake!

Nathan V said...

If you haven't read Good Omens, I really must insist. Best. Book. Ever. Honestly.

Craig said...

I'm wondering why I'm not on Enrico's list of attractive yet single people?

Polt said...

josh, everyone else here has said things better than I can. And perhaps I'm not the best person for advice on this subject cause I'm basically a loner by nature. I've only dated seriously like 4 guys, the longest being 18 months or so. other than that, the vast majority of my life, I've been unattached, and I'm okay with that.

I think what you need to do is to become confident in yourself. Don't rely on a relationship with another person to give your life validity. Validate your own life, feel comfortable in your own life, and then you can share it with another person.

I remember the feelings of fear of the future when I graduated college. I for so long was afraid I'd find nothing and spend my life as a drug store asst. manager. But all this things come in due time. That doesn't mean it's gonna happen soon, nor that it's gonna be what you expect or even easy, but with the skills, abilites, humor and intelligence you've displayed since I've first met you, I have no doubt you're gonna be something big in the this world, in whatever field or profession you choose to pursue.

Hang in there punkin, stay strong, rely on your family and friends for support in the hard times. And know that there is the entire population of Puntabuland thinking of you, and pulling for you!

And see, I went the whole the message without making a comment about your penis. :)


Tam said...

Michelle!!!! You are so mean!

(You made me laugh out loud. Sorry Ryan.)

that's J-O-S-H said...

Michelle: You are hilarz!

Nathan: It might be a good book but "Best Book Ever" is a title reserved for "The Truth About Diamonds" by Nicole Richie. I haven't read it...yet...but I know it will be stellar-deluxe!

Polt: a) Tanx for the wordz of encouragement. b) I like when you call me "punkin". c) I'm proud of you for not mentioning my dirrty business, especially considering it was brought up in the comment conversation earlier!

Craigerz: You're not on his list cuz I tink we all just assume that since you are a bloggy deity that there must be dudez murdering each other to get to you! Jellerz!