Monday, June 22, 2009

My Monday Muse

The Totz of YouTube

So the awardz for my first two Monday Muses have gone to two ugly beautiful monsterz deitiez, that pummeled their way into my life and high-kicked the shit out of my heart. However, aggressively [un]attractive attitudes and senseless threatening isn't that only way to become a viral sensation en la vida de Josh. You could be an adorably hysterical child who uses profanity/violence/terror/confusion to innocently squirm your cuteness through my callused and generally unimpressed Shell O' Judgment.

These four cherub-faced niños have a collected view count of 142,947,178! Holy crap-bucket! They are bigger celebz than I probably ever will be and they haven't even hit their hellish middle school yearz yet! I reek of envy! I'm 23 and still a stupid nobody! Pardon me while I reflect on my lame lack of fame and sob into a pint of Ben & Jerry's Mission to Marzipan.


OKAY! Finished! Back to this entry and appreciating the hilarity of little children doing assorted bullshiz. Now there are prox thirteen bazillion videos online of little kidz doing an assortment of crap...but these following five kidz kick all those other mini-gringos' asses butts. Like, parents always think their child is the cutest, funniest, most perfect baby in the world. However, they are wrong, since that role was already filled by moi when I was a tot. I used to force people to play the "Leaf Game" with me when I was small, where I would fill a plastic pail with fallen leaves and throw them into peepz' eyes and dump dem over their nogginz. I always won - as was fair - and I laughed my diaper off. These following kiddiez are almost as cool as I used to be. Let's now study: [PS...I don't know their names and I'm not gonna be an uber Michael Jackson creep & try to find I will call them just by what I used to search for their videoz on da YouTubez.]

Blood Kid

[boo...lame disabled embedding...CLICK HERE to view]

Terrifying children is never nice...not nice @ all. To some sick bastardoz though, it might be one of the most hilarious thingz in the world. And I, folkz, am a terribly ill douche. This big-eyes bundle of disconcerted anxiety come bellowing at his father [whose voice I think soundz sexxxerz] about "blood" on his younger siblingz lip. I think it's actually juice or sumthing like dat, but this poor young soul has no effing clue what's going on and his dad is too busy laughing @ his repeated exclamation of "BLOOD!" to try and calm his palpitating heart down.

I sympathize with you kid! One time when I was playing Legos with little my sister (who deniez this ever happening) and we were building some kickazz whorehouse, I decided that yellow blocks were going to taste like candy. Being the smartest kid on the shortbus, I put it in my yapper and began choking like an untrained hussy. Mi hermana proceeded to laugh at my failure to be at all intelligent until I eventually hocked that shiz up and cried. I learned my lesson though! Nary another plastic child's toy has entered my mouth since!

Monster Girl

So even if this is ur first Josh Is Trashy entry, you can for problez tell that profanity is a huge and active part of my life. My tongue was a dirrty whore before I even started doing unmentionable tingz with unmentionable peepz! Thus you all can understand why I am a huge fan of this little beauty-tot in the above video. Sure it's as awesomez as a shitstorm of punches on Perez Hilton's face to hear that little girl utter da word "azz" but what I find to be even more hilariouz and wonderful is the expression and shrugged shoulderz she gives her mother upon the questioning of her motives to kick the monster's rear. Delivered like a member of the Mafia, she's all lyke "Hey Momz, either that ho goez down or I go down, and I'm not in a losing mood today. You better check yo'self before you wreck yo'self." Alright, maybe that was more "street gangster" than "Mafia," but you got mah drift.

The first time I ever got caught cursing by my mom I was in sixth grade and I remember I was brushing my teethz in the bathroom when my mom came in to fuss about with towelz or something. I distinctly remember her telling me that my doctor's appointment had to be moved to the following Saturday as opposed to the Thursday before (thus getting my taint outta school). "That suckz!" I said in response, to which my mother looked me dead in the eyez and did that ting that parents have the power to do, which is say only lyke ten wordz that put the fear of the almighty on the weight of the guilty child. I didn't curse again in front of my parents till I was 18. I'm serial.

High Kid

I don't ever remember these kindz of adventures when I had my goofy little bottom taken to the dentist office! This kid made out like gangbusterz with a once in a lifetime kind of legal buzz that not even Courtney Love has experienced. His sweet innocent face contortz and twists and melts before your very eyez as he tries to comprehend the insanity that is a drug-induced state of mind. This video is so popz that it even has its own BLOG run by the cameraman daddy. I'd die to have that shirt, BT-Dubbz.The HIGHlariouz epiphaniez and quandariez that the young boy has during his trip includes:

  • He has two four eyez.
  • His father has four eyez (and also a hot voice!)
  • His stitchez are not to be touched.
  • He is not tired.
  • Will this dizzying confusion last forevz?
  • He feelz funny and yes, this is real life.

Though not pre-college, I have many a fond memory of myself in similar situationz. Only I was in a frat-house basement instead of the back of my parent's car, I was filled with vodka instead of dental painkillerz, and I was sardined in a swarm of equally drunk and sweaty strangerz instead of my Dad. But aside from that, SAME. TING.

Charlie Bit Me

First let's mention the accentz. Cha, they make the video ten timez cuter because they sound different than me. I love accents in general, but on children it's nearly irresistible. Look @ how the victim of the biting acts pissed @ first, but then still puts his dedito in front of that choptastic toddler. His seriez of faces are priceless (:23 is the best one) and his emoting cries for help are to diez for. Charlie for totez is a kid after my own sick and demented heart; causing pain to those for no good reason and laughing like a douche afterwardz. And looking adorablez the whole while! I wish I could get away with biting people randomly. I could be on the Nueva subway and see a derricious looking pepaw and as soon as I get my gaping jawz close enough, I'd take a huge bite outta his shoulder. But then again...I'd probably get arrested/my ass beat.

While never physically destructive to anyone in my life, I was a little precious-faced demon when it came to other tingz. Mi hermana used to coerce me into playing Barbies with her (it didn't take much to convince me). So I'd be playing and after awhile of vigorously attacking a doll's hair with a shitty old pet comb, I'd pop the cabeza off the dummy like it was a cork on New Years Eve. Then I'd lay the beheaded plastic girl down into "bed" and delicately place his head on top of her clearly bare neck. Of course my sister found out and yelled @ me for like an hour. But then every subsequent time we'd play, she always assign me a shitty lesbian doll with a goofy face (and now accompanying broken neck tapped together) named Jazzie. Damn I hated that bitch. No Kenz/Barbiez will ever love you with that "neck brace" on, you freakishly tall monster! Hatez Jazzie!


hoteltuesday said...

I never heard of the Blood Kid! He's cute. And I know what you mean about the dad!

I don't like that girl who curses. Well not her, the video. Her mother laughs when she curses, plus I'm sure she's aware of the attention the video got, which just encourages her to use curse words. Wrong. And 'sucks' is not a curse.

I like David after the dentist so much better when Christian Bale is involved!!

And I hate those Charlie Bit Me kids.

that's J-O-S-H said...

To my mom for a pre-teen it totez was!

And that mash-up was incredzzz!

"Is this real life?"

Nathan V. said...

I'm not a big fan of "children" so I don't appreciate these videos like they deserve. However, Enrico reminded me of the classic youtube dance remix of Christian Bale's rant with a dash of Barbara Streisand's.

that's J-O-S-H said...

Nathan: Children make me want to die, normally. But these four videoz for the reasons listed are definitely exceptionz!

And "Christian Bale Freak-Out (Discothon Remix)" is beautiful.

Ryan said...

I wish my parents had video taped me when I had oral surgery.

Michelle M. said...

Harry is adorable. I want him. And his demonic, bitey little brother.

If I were Queen of the Universe all children would speak with British accents.

There's this Youtube video of an adorable little French girl, Capucine or something, who tells a story about hippos, crocodiles and monkeys. She's co cute and expressive - but after a minute she no longer amuses me.

Michelle M. said...

Okay, and speaking of lesbian dolls with goofy faces - this was one of the dolls I had as a kid:

Melody, Destroyer of Dreams said...

First...I am not your little sister but your older and far more goodlooking and wise sister.

You also left out how you would rip the head off of the barbies and cry when I got mad at you, run in the other room and fill Mom and Dad with rage at me for not being a forgiving sister to her adorable (bitchass) brother.

One word...salamanders (may have spelled that wrong) "GO TO YOUR NEW HOUSE!!!"

I still deny the lego story...

Anonymous said...

Kymm and I were just watching the high kid before class and when he screamed we dove for the volume down key because it was so freaking loud. Totally worth it even if it wasn't law school material.

john said...

I love how serious the Blood kid was! "It's not funny!" And I love David's mid trip rage.

Anonymous said...

OK, even though you showed all of these to me before, I still had to watch them all over again and again laughed so hard my coffee went up nose (thank goodness it was cold by then!). "Blood[a]" kid is my fav... he gets so pissed at his father's lack of concern!

I still love monster girl, but I agree that the Mother's reaction almost ruins it, the girl is clearly getting the positive reaction that all children want. It seems kind of staged, and not as spontaneous as the others (but her little voice talking so tough is so funny!).

It always makes me wonder. When people say that they don't like children. What is it exactly that they don't like?


Tam said...

Charlie is evil. But I love that dentist kid. He's hilarious. You're pretty funny too.

Christina said...

me and you should make a baby ooshaloons. how effin cute would that baby be? im basing this on your baby pictures and my stellar looks. all the time.

Melody, Destroyer of Dreams said...

I like children.

For breakfast.

that's J-O-S-H said...

So many comments to respond to!

Ryan: I too wish there was a video of me undergoing some sort of surgery. I had an appendectomy and they used those three scopes to suck it outta me, so there might be a video of it from INSIDE OF ME!

Michelle: That dolls is less lesbian and more tranny. How terrifyingz!

Melody: Ug...those salamanderz never listened to us no matter how many times we screamed at them/physically forced them to live in their mud houses. We'd always have to resort back to playing with Dennis Nedry and Louis Tully.

Anonymous (aka Oliver): I'm glad my blog is keeping you and Kymm from achieving your academical goalz.


Cindy: I think most people hate children and their innocence and the idear that they have their whole life ahead of them to not make the dopey mistakez we make. I know that's why I can't stand dem.

Tam: You're a sweetheart.

Xtina: Our babiez would be awesome. Aka gorgz and judgmental. Just like Mommy & Daddy!