Friday, June 19, 2009

Music Video Vault

Jennifer Lopez - "Love Don't Cost a Thing"

WHAT'S THE DEAL?: A long, long time ago, there was this Latina singer named Selena that everyone loved. She was killed by some ugly bitch (that looked like a walrus mixed with a pug) named Yolanda Saldívar. Everyone in the world was sad and then some movie producerz thought it'd be a hot idea to exploit her death to make a mediocre movie starring some no-name chola from the Bronx with a fat ass that looked like the deceased diva. And thus was born the career of Jennifer Lopez. She was nominated for some awards for her performance, but blah blah. I thought it was boring and the ho didn't even sing! She lip-synched that shiz. Lip-synching in a biopic doesn't win you an Oscar. It winz you a Golden Globe nomination and my hatred. And since she didn't proved then that she was a talentedless vocalist, she was given a record contract.

She then released that On the 6 album that had all those dancy pop songz I remember gaying up to in my bedroom...pretending to hate when I was around my friendz, but for supa secret central shimming to in my mind. Then she got angrier and more hip-hop and released her follow-up album J. Lo where she looks like a cougar on the cover. She had a bunch of hitz and then became musical fuck-budz with that whiney ass faux-rapper Ja Rule. She had a bunch more albums for some ungoddly reason, made some dopey movies where she deliverz unimpressive performances....then tanx0b020gawd, she gets out of my face to have some babiez with the rat king of salsa, Marc Anthony. She had twins or something like twins. Oh, and everyone is obsessed with her tush and I don't understand what's so great about it. I mean, it looks like two huge sacks of potatoes stapled together. Not sexxxerz. But let's backtrax to her second album that I already mentioned, J. Blo. It's the sophomore slump...can the fiery latina dance supastar Jennifer Lopez crawl out of the muck of the already fading 1999 latin explosion and actual remain a successful "musician"?!

Now anyone that knowz anyting about pop music can tell you that one of the most important songz in any long-standing artist's catalogue is the first single released from their sophomore album. It can make or break a career. Examplez: Make: "Oops!...I Did It Again" by Britney Spears; Break: "A Toast to Me (Fuck the Men)" by Willa Ford; Make: "Get the Party Started" by P!nk; Break: "Crazy" by Dream. It can either send a performer into the radio stratosphere or shoot you down into the fiery pitz of dropped record deals and has-been reality showz. So therefor, to further try and fool America into thinking that she was a singer, Jennifer Hopez released the single "Love Don't Cost a Thing" [not to be confused with the film of the same name starring Nick Cannon and Christina Milian, two failed musicians in their own right]. The song became a huge hit and was pimped out on MTV all the damn time. It thus solidified Jennifer Lopez as force to be reckoned with in the pop world, as well as a constant burn on my [normal-sized] ass for the next six yearz. Vomz!

VIDEO SYNOPSIS: Because she is an axtrezz, Jennifer starts the video with some thespian work. She's on the phone with a supposed boyfriend who is all lyke, "I ain't coming over, I'm busy trying to find a normal looking girlfriend who isn't half giant cat/half Himalayan mountain. But here's a bracelet just so I can still deposit my chowda on you next time I see you." But since Jennifer is a spicy mamacita, she starts to bitch @ him [and then I like to imagine that the dude hangz up and she is talking to dead air the rest of the time]. You can really see her Golden Globe[nominated]-caliber talent shine through when she says "...cuz the last thing I need is another bracelet!" Hear how her tone changez? Note her facial expressions. See how she janglez her jewelry?! It's called acting, folkz.

She then throwz the phone down and leavez her house (but not before putting on the bracelet she doesn't need...lying wench!). She jumpz in her coche and proceeds to drive down the highway, throwing her shet all over the place. She then parkz her car on some deserted road (was this her destination?!) and gets outta the car. She starts walking on said street and strips. Even if this wasn't sexxxy (aka bizarre) enough, the whole video is spliced with shotz of J. Schmo writhing on a beach and swooning against a palm tree. She then reaches in her backpocket and pullz out a postcard (I wonder what else she keeps in her ass?! It's like a gym locker). Of course, since this was the early 2000s, there is an unnecessary and played-0ut dance interlude. Zoom into the postcard and we see J to tha L-O and some dancerz (feat. her ex-husband , Cris Judd, on her right) gyrate and swivel on a green screen beach and wear unflattering jeanz. Symbolically she rips the postcard in two and continuez strutting her brontosauras thighz up the road. Unexplicably she starts to run down the street (causing minor earthquakez all over the country...I hear it's this stampeding that woke up the Cloverfield monster). She continues to shed the fifty poundz of jewlery she is apparently wearing, before reaching the location of such haste. Another beach. Only this time, sanz dancerz and with more nudity. Thus begins her post-break up ritual of rubbing sand on her chest and taking off her clothes in the water.


:07 - First close-up of the She-Ra hair?!

:36- 1:36 - Pay attention the shitastico editing job done. One second it's dusk, the next it's afternoon. One shot we clearly see her driving on a bridge surrounded by water. Next show we see her driving and all these treez behind her. Lazy snatchez! I should have their job! Shame shame!

1:56 - The HORN! So I'm sure I'm not the only gringo out there that rememberz watching this video be cut & pasted together on that MTV show Making the Video. That show was epic and this song's episode was especially dramatic. Something I've remembered all these years after its airing was the part [FF to :46] where J. Ho had to pick out what jewelery she wanted to wear (and hurl onto pavement). At one point, some poor slave girl who got shafted into being her ASSistant suggests she wears this gorg necklace that has a baby triceratops horn on it. Jennifer starts to bug-a-boo and say how she refuses to wear it. But ha! She does and it's hideous and you know J. Lo beat her assistant with her nalgaz after the video came out and prehistoric hornz didn't instantly become the fashion statement to make.

5:03 - Take note of the ending shot that everyone seemed to flip over where she takez off her top! Omgawderskatez...J. Lo's rack isn't even a big deal! Now if she took off her underwear and starting doing lungez in front of the camera, then maybe it would have been an appropriate ending to a completely pointless and logicless video.

THE CONCLUSION: Sure I might be full of slightly unvalidated hatred for Miss Jennifer Lopez, but the truth is that she did make some of the biggest pop songz of the first half of this decade. She was cooing into the mic and delivering "fuck me eyez" back when music videoz were long and involved projects that required MTV documentation and budgets reaching more than someone's mortgage. Derriciously trashy is everything Lopez touchez, except for Gigli...or Enough...or Monster-In-Law....those just suck a lot. Honey, just stick to the crappy urban R&B from yesteryearz and we'll all be sufficed. JUST NO BALLADZ! PLEEEEASE!


hoteltuesday said...

Ack! I hate me some J. Lo! This post was hilarious but I didn't even watch the video to see the key points cause I remember hating it.
Though I must admit I DO like about 2 J. Lo songs, both in Spanish! Como Ama Una Mujer is her best cd! And her Spanish is SO easy that I understand it all! You know she learned Spanish when she was like 30 right?

that's J-O-S-H said...

Hahah yah! What a faker! One second she's latina heat...the next she's a thug miss from the Bwonx. Then she's a pop starlet?! What is she?!?! However, it's a comfort to know that regardless of what her alter ego is today, she will always be consistent on one thing: being a mediocre singer/actress.

Anonymous said...

Just to point out: Marion Cotillard lip-synced all of La Vie en Rose and did win an Oscar. But she was French so it's different I guess!
- Dan

john said...

LOL! This was genius! As much as I am loathe to admit this, I actually like this song. I'm not quite sure why, perhaps it is the genius lyrics ("What I need from is not available in stores" or "Pulling up your sleeve so I could see the Rolley bling") but the shit or should I say shiz is catchy.

Poor Chris Judd, I hope his settlement was significant, because she is just awful.

I have to say, I nearly lost it when I read "just so I can still deposit my chowda on you next time I see you" BWAAA!

that's J-O-S-H said...

It's ok Mr. John...I have A LOT of Jennifer Slopez songz en mi computadora. Even some more embarrassing pop artists (Eiffel 65, SoulDecision & Kandi anyone?). And poor Cris Judd...when compared with Blopez's other husbands (Ben AssLick and Marc Anthony), he really is the biggest lozer.

Tam said...

I'm glad we're all in agreement about poor Chris. He was the cutest and I think he totally thought he was getting a nice girl who was just getting famous, instead he got bitchzilla. Wonder what he's up to? He was cute. You should look him up Josh, maybe after his experience with her he'll be happy to switch teams.

Michelle M. said...

Keep America beautiful JLo.

belay team said...

HA! Why would she do lungez when she could just go on that cayenne pepper and lemon water diet (feat. Beyonce "Unnecessary Weight Lost For A Film Role Makes Me A Serious Actress" Knowles)?

I can't think of anything else to say besides J.Lo sucks. I think the worse thing about her is that she pimps out her "I'M A STRONG LATINA" 'heritage', but in that fucking stupid wedding planner movie (duet w/Matthew Shirtless McConoauaoughouahouey), her character was fucking ITALIAN! Give it up, J.Lo, you're the whitest bitch on the block.

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