Monday, June 29, 2009

My Monday Muse

Deven Green

This might seem cheap considering that I've already written a POST [look who commented!] about this obsession of mine, but that was agez ago and I've gotten funnier, so chut up. Deven Green (aka someone I'd let defile & degrade me) is the most hilarious person on the entire Earth and should be made president of the world. She first gained recognition for her dubbed over parody videoz that mocked some soap opera chola by the name of Brenda Dickson. She made my body quake with laughter and my brain ache with hysterix! I nearly died. But I lived, so you can stop holding your breathz.

For anywayz, I became reacquainted with my beloved Ms. Verde when I tripped my ass over another parody video she recently did to some safe sex P.S.A. from hte 60s. It's hilarz and funnier than anything else you'll see all week:

[Warning: Animated Graphic Genitalz!]




Deven Green is also the alter ego of America's best Christian, Betty Bowers, who has also gained YouTuberz fame for her hit song "You're Going Straight to Hell" as well as her informatively brilliant lesson on the foundation of a healthy marriage:






Not only is it a crime against nature, but I will be personally offended if you don't crap your pantalonez while watching her videoz. Check out her collection of Brendad Ickson paraodiez belove [EDIT: "below", but it stayz]:



Sunday, June 28, 2009

Kittenz Я Us

Ok...before you read this entry and then feel obligated to bombard my life with judgements and reminderz that "OmGawDz! There are ENOUGH kittens in the world that need homez! Why did you let her shit out more babiez! You are so irresponsible and/or dumbz!" let me just say that Shawn and I were nervous about getting her immediately fixed after pumping out Baberz in fear that it might interfere with her ability to nurse his hungry little gob. And even though we got good ole Mowgli's pelotas removed, somehow Mother [Cat] Of the Year, the beautifully elegant Hermanita, has again created more derriciously huggable babies for me to waste hours with. This time, the harlot's stomach was as taunt as the skin of a basketball and I felt for serial that when she burst there would be an ever-flowing kitten fountain erupting from her womb. I was wrong and she only gave to five healthy beautiful babiez last night. Here are some pix of the new additions to the Greenbaum Farmz Cat Colony:



Mommy Hermanita findz her birthing spot and prepares for the expulsion!




Shawn & I find the mother's den and the little newborn kitten-totz.




Kidz! Kidz! There are enough derricious nipz to go around! Single line, single line...







Welcome to this terrible world, new babiez!




And now it's time to cuddle up, be fucking adorable and sleeeeeeepz. So blasting cute I can't breathe!




And of course here is a video of the new happy family. I know it's all "Blaire Witch Project" quality, but Hermanita was totez not leaving that closet yet. There's no sound, but I like to pretend that mommy is begging the babiez to stop suckling so hardxxxcore so she can get some well-deserved sleepzzz.


I hope you are reading this entry and thinking to yourself, "Geebz, I sure am envious of Josh and really wish I could just have Kitten Mania fun too!" Well don't fret my little blogaroniz & cheesez! Shawn & I are unable to care for eight cats and are looking for homez for these bundles of feline perfection. If you live in central Jerzee and aren't crazzzy and would like to meet up to talk about taking one from us...PLEASE let me know!


Saturday, June 27, 2009

I ain't afraid of no hipsterz!


I feel like my life is being overrun with hispterz. Those who follow the mantra of being Kookie for Kookie's Sake and wear clothes that seem just a little too eccentric for anyone's good while listening to whatever obscure underground BS muzak that there friends don't know about yet. And the self-importance! Like through their absurditiez they hope to disrupt the social normz of today, they are like punks (who rebelled against authorative control) only with less of a purpose. And the picturez! If I counted the number of timez I wanted to vomz while looking @ pictures on Facebook of random hipsters drinking their Pabst and posing in goofy ugly outfits while remaining completely and utterly ambiguous in gender and sexuality then I'd not only have to start counting on my toez...but yours as well!

But for the longest time I thought I was alone in my disgust for the hipster psuedo-artistic elitist bullshiz that seems to be in infecting my generation, but alas! There is a light @ the end of the tunnel! My dahling Xtina has turned me onto yet another genius website devoted to calling out these vinyl-buying, body paint-wearing, Black & Mild-toking writer-wannabeeeeez. Look At This Fucking Hipster.com is being inducted today to my prestigious Blog Roll today due to its ability to accurately and effectively unearth the headachey and irritating tomfoolery of these facade wearing douchfacez. Check. It. Out!




[P to da S: That ho above would totez be the new Josh is Trashy mascot if she wasn't such a major loser toolbox.]


Thursday, June 25, 2009

I can pimp my own ride, tank you berry much.

This is to honor my good friend Julia who just graduated from high school on Monday. Hooray! Get ready for four yearz of brutal and emotionally damaging excitement filled with drunken nightz (see: mistakez!) and books left unopened! I graduated high school 5 years ago and can't believe so much time has flew by. Whatevz! I was looking through some old photo albums and I found some pix that I took of my car back when I was just a gross teenager.

So it's the last week of high school EVER for the class of 2004. We are all bugging-a-booz and everything is so intense and in anticipation. Now, in this moment of excitement, many like to make this washable paint like substance out of soap (or buy shit out of tube like I did) to write "2004!", or "We made it!" or Friendz Forevz" [feat. Vitamin C] on their coche's windows to commemorate that they were able to graduate and that they are about to head off on the biggest adventure of their ....snorrrrrrrrrrre....lame....zzzzzzzzzz. Nothing screamz "I'm smarterz" more than obstructing your vision while driving via streaky smiley faces and blotchy initials. But since I hate nearly everyone and was a incredibly rebellious child (aka not at all) I decided that this gringo would have a car that was decorated a little differz - this just further provez that without pop culture/music, my life would serialz have no meaning:



In case you can't read it:
AALIYAH, P!NK, XTINA, JENNIFER HUDSON, GOD IS A DJ!





TOXIC, MISSY ELLIOTT, <^.^>


Some may ask why I decided to graffiti my car with popstarz' names instead of those of my friends or high school. Otherz may wonder why I arbitrarily painted song titles over my windows. And what does "<^.^>" really mean anyway? I have no effing clue. Basically I'm crazzzy and tink I'm funny.



PS. sorry this entry wasn't funnier. I'm tired and Michael Jackson's rando death has me inter-sleuthing over the web to find out more information.

PS. If you haven't seen it yet, check out my good friend Enrico's BLOG and catch the beginning of the latest "season" of his Barbie-inspired Project Runway. I'm a contestant, though I'm pretty sure I'm being voted off first. Hatez losing even when I deserve it!!


Monday, June 22, 2009

My Monday Muse

The Totz of YouTube


So the awardz for my first two Monday Muses have gone to two ugly beautiful monsterz deitiez, that pummeled their way into my life and high-kicked the shit out of my heart. However, aggressively [un]attractive attitudes and senseless threatening isn't that only way to become a viral sensation en la vida de Josh. You could be an adorably hysterical child who uses profanity/violence/terror/confusion to innocently squirm your cuteness through my callused and generally unimpressed Shell O' Judgment.

These four cherub-faced niños have a collected view count of 142,947,178! Holy crap-bucket! They are bigger celebz than I probably ever will be and they haven't even hit their hellish middle school yearz yet! I reek of envy! I'm 23 and still a stupid nobody! Pardon me while I reflect on my lame lack of fame and sob into a pint of Ben & Jerry's Mission to Marzipan.

...

OKAY! Finished! Back to this entry and appreciating the hilarity of little children doing assorted bullshiz. Now there are prox thirteen bazillion videos online of little kidz doing an assortment of crap...but these following five kidz kick all those other mini-gringos' asses butts. Like, parents always think their child is the cutest, funniest, most perfect baby in the world. However, they are wrong, since that role was already filled by moi when I was a tot. I used to force people to play the "Leaf Game" with me when I was small, where I would fill a plastic pail with fallen leaves and throw them into peepz' eyes and dump dem over their nogginz. I always won - as was fair - and I laughed my diaper off. These following kiddiez are almost as cool as I used to be. Let's now study: [PS...I don't know their names and I'm not gonna be an uber Michael Jackson creep & try to find them...so I will call them just by what I used to search for their videoz on da YouTubez.]


Blood Kid

[boo...lame disabled embedding...CLICK HERE to view]

Terrifying children is never nice...not nice @ all. To some sick bastardoz though, it might be one of the most hilarious thingz in the world. And I, folkz, am a terribly ill douche. This big-eyes bundle of disconcerted anxiety come bellowing at his father [whose voice I think soundz sexxxerz] about "blood" on his younger siblingz lip. I think it's actually juice or sumthing like dat, but this poor young soul has no effing clue what's going on and his dad is too busy laughing @ his repeated exclamation of "BLOOD!" to try and calm his palpitating heart down.

I sympathize with you kid! One time when I was playing Legos with little my sister (who deniez this ever happening) and we were building some kickazz whorehouse, I decided that yellow blocks were going to taste like candy. Being the smartest kid on the shortbus, I put it in my yapper and began choking like an untrained hussy. Mi hermana proceeded to laugh at my failure to be at all intelligent until I eventually hocked that shiz up and cried. I learned my lesson though! Nary another plastic child's toy has entered my mouth since!



Monster Girl



So even if this is ur first Josh Is Trashy entry, you can for problez tell that profanity is a huge and active part of my life. My tongue was a dirrty whore before I even started doing unmentionable tingz with unmentionable peepz! Thus you all can understand why I am a huge fan of this little beauty-tot in the above video. Sure it's as awesomez as a shitstorm of punches on Perez Hilton's face to hear that little girl utter da word "azz" but what I find to be even more hilariouz and wonderful is the expression and shrugged shoulderz she gives her mother upon the questioning of her motives to kick the monster's rear. Delivered like a member of the Mafia, she's all lyke "Hey Momz, either that ho goez down or I go down, and I'm not in a losing mood today. You better check yo'self before you wreck yo'self." Alright, maybe that was more "street gangster" than "Mafia," but you got mah drift.

The first time I ever got caught cursing by my mom I was in sixth grade and I remember I was brushing my teethz in the bathroom when my mom came in to fuss about with towelz or something. I distinctly remember her telling me that my doctor's appointment had to be moved to the following Saturday as opposed to the Thursday before (thus getting my taint outta school). "That suckz!" I said in response, to which my mother looked me dead in the eyez and did that ting that parents have the power to do, which is say only lyke ten wordz that put the fear of the almighty on the weight of the guilty child. I didn't curse again in front of my parents till I was 18. I'm serial.



High Kid


I don't ever remember these kindz of adventures when I had my goofy little bottom taken to the dentist office! This kid made out like gangbusterz with a once in a lifetime kind of legal buzz that not even Courtney Love has experienced. His sweet innocent face contortz and twists and melts before your very eyez as he tries to comprehend the insanity that is a drug-induced state of mind. This video is so popz that it even has its own BLOG run by the cameraman daddy. I'd die to have that shirt, BT-Dubbz.The HIGHlariouz epiphaniez and quandariez that the young boy has during his trip includes:

  • He has two four eyez.
  • His father has four eyez (and also a hot voice!)
  • His stitchez are not to be touched.
  • He is not tired.
  • AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
  • Will this dizzying confusion last forevz?
  • He feelz funny and yes, this is real life.

Though not pre-college, I have many a fond memory of myself in similar situationz. Only I was in a frat-house basement instead of the back of my parent's car, I was filled with vodka instead of dental painkillerz, and I was sardined in a swarm of equally drunk and sweaty strangerz instead of my Dad. But aside from that, SAME. TING.



Charlie Bit Me



First let's mention the accentz. Cha, they make the video ten timez cuter because they sound different than me. I love accents in general, but on children it's nearly irresistible. Look @ how the victim of the biting acts pissed @ first, but then still puts his dedito in front of that choptastic toddler. His seriez of faces are priceless (:23 is the best one) and his emoting cries for help are to diez for. Charlie for totez is a kid after my own sick and demented heart; causing pain to those for no good reason and laughing like a douche afterwardz. And looking adorablez the whole while! I wish I could get away with biting people randomly. I could be on the Nueva subway and see a derricious looking pepaw and as soon as I get my gaping jawz close enough, I'd take a huge bite outta his shoulder. But then again...I'd probably get arrested/my ass beat.

While never physically destructive to anyone in my life, I was a little precious-faced demon when it came to other tingz. Mi hermana used to coerce me into playing Barbies with her (it didn't take much to convince me). So I'd be playing and after awhile of vigorously attacking a doll's hair with a shitty old pet comb, I'd pop the cabeza off the dummy like it was a cork on New Years Eve. Then I'd lay the beheaded plastic girl down into "bed" and delicately place his head on top of her clearly bare neck. Of course my sister found out and yelled @ me for like an hour. But then every subsequent time we'd play, she always assign me a shitty lesbian doll with a goofy face (and now accompanying broken neck tapped together) named Jazzie. Damn I hated that bitch. No Kenz/Barbiez will ever love you with that "neck brace" on, you freakishly tall monster! Hatez Jazzie!



Friday, June 19, 2009

Music Video Vault


Jennifer Lopez - "Love Don't Cost a Thing"


WHAT'S THE DEAL?: A long, long time ago, there was this Latina singer named Selena that everyone loved. She was killed by some ugly bitch (that looked like a walrus mixed with a pug) named Yolanda Saldívar. Everyone in the world was sad and then some movie producerz thought it'd be a hot idea to exploit her death to make a mediocre movie starring some no-name chola from the Bronx with a fat ass that looked like the deceased diva. And thus was born the career of Jennifer Lopez. She was nominated for some awards for her performance, but blah blah. I thought it was boring and the ho didn't even sing! She lip-synched that shiz. Lip-synching in a biopic doesn't win you an Oscar. It winz you a Golden Globe nomination and my hatred. And since she didn't proved then that she was a talentedless vocalist, she was given a record contract.

She then released that On the 6 album that had all those dancy pop songz I remember gaying up to in my bedroom...pretending to hate when I was around my friendz, but for supa secret central shimming to in my mind. Then she got angrier and more hip-hop and released her follow-up album J. Lo where she looks like a cougar on the cover. She had a bunch of hitz and then became musical fuck-budz with that whiney ass faux-rapper Ja Rule. She had a bunch more albums for some ungoddly reason, made some dopey movies where she deliverz unimpressive performances....then tanx0b020gawd, she gets out of my face to have some babiez with the rat king of salsa, Marc Anthony. She had twins or something like twins. Oh, and everyone is obsessed with her tush and I don't understand what's so great about it. I mean, it looks like two huge sacks of potatoes stapled together. Not sexxxerz. But let's backtrax to her second album that I already mentioned, J. Blo. It's the sophomore slump...can the fiery latina dance supastar Jennifer Lopez crawl out of the muck of the already fading 1999 latin explosion and actual remain a successful "musician"?!

Now anyone that knowz anyting about pop music can tell you that one of the most important songz in any long-standing artist's catalogue is the first single released from their sophomore album. It can make or break a career. Examplez: Make: "Oops!...I Did It Again" by Britney Spears; Break: "A Toast to Me (Fuck the Men)" by Willa Ford; Make: "Get the Party Started" by P!nk; Break: "Crazy" by Dream. It can either send a performer into the radio stratosphere or shoot you down into the fiery pitz of dropped record deals and has-been reality showz. So therefor, to further try and fool America into thinking that she was a singer, Jennifer Hopez released the single "Love Don't Cost a Thing" [not to be confused with the film of the same name starring Nick Cannon and Christina Milian, two failed musicians in their own right]. The song became a huge hit and was pimped out on MTV all the damn time. It thus solidified Jennifer Lopez as force to be reckoned with in the pop world, as well as a constant burn on my [normal-sized] ass for the next six yearz. Vomz!



VIDEO SYNOPSIS: Because she is an axtrezz, Jennifer starts the video with some thespian work. She's on the phone with a supposed boyfriend who is all lyke, "I ain't coming over, I'm busy trying to find a normal looking girlfriend who isn't half giant cat/half Himalayan mountain. But here's a bracelet just so I can still deposit my chowda on you next time I see you." But since Jennifer is a spicy mamacita, she starts to bitch @ him [and then I like to imagine that the dude hangz up and she is talking to dead air the rest of the time]. You can really see her Golden Globe[nominated]-caliber talent shine through when she says "...cuz the last thing I need is another bracelet!" Hear how her tone changez? Note her facial expressions. See how she janglez her jewelry?! It's called acting, folkz.

She then throwz the phone down and leavez her house (but not before putting on the bracelet she doesn't need...lying wench!). She jumpz in her coche and proceeds to drive down the highway, throwing her shet all over the place. She then parkz her car on some deserted road (was this her destination?!) and gets outta the car. She starts walking on said street and strips. Even if this wasn't sexxxy (aka bizarre) enough, the whole video is spliced with shotz of J. Schmo writhing on a beach and swooning against a palm tree. She then reaches in her backpocket and pullz out a postcard (I wonder what else she keeps in her ass?! It's like a gym locker). Of course, since this was the early 2000s, there is an unnecessary and played-0ut dance interlude. Zoom into the postcard and we see J to tha L-O and some dancerz (feat. her ex-husband , Cris Judd, on her right) gyrate and swivel on a green screen beach and wear unflattering jeanz. Symbolically she rips the postcard in two and continuez strutting her brontosauras thighz up the road. Unexplicably she starts to run down the street (causing minor earthquakez all over the country...I hear it's this stampeding that woke up the Cloverfield monster). She continues to shed the fifty poundz of jewlery she is apparently wearing, before reaching the location of such haste. Another beach. Only this time, sanz dancerz and with more nudity. Thus begins her post-break up ritual of rubbing sand on her chest and taking off her clothes in the water.




POINTS OF MENTION:

:07 - First close-up of the video...um... She-Ra hair?!

:36- 1:36 - Pay attention the shitastico editing job done. One second it's dusk, the next it's afternoon. One shot we clearly see her driving on a bridge surrounded by water. Next show we see her driving and all these treez behind her. Lazy snatchez! I should have their job! Shame shame!

1:56 - The HORN! So I'm sure I'm not the only gringo out there that rememberz watching this video be cut & pasted together on that MTV show Making the Video. That show was epic and this song's episode was especially dramatic. Something I've remembered all these years after its airing was the part [FF to :46] where J. Ho had to pick out what jewelery she wanted to wear (and hurl onto pavement). At one point, some poor slave girl who got shafted into being her ASSistant suggests she wears this gorg necklace that has a baby triceratops horn on it. Jennifer starts to bug-a-boo and say how she refuses to wear it. But ha! She does and it's hideous and you know J. Lo beat her assistant with her nalgaz after the video came out and prehistoric hornz didn't instantly become the fashion statement to make.

5:03 - Take note of the ending shot that everyone seemed to flip over where she takez off her top! Omgawderskatez...J. Lo's rack isn't even a big deal! Now if she took off her underwear and starting doing lungez in front of the camera, then maybe it would have been an appropriate ending to a completely pointless and logicless video.



THE CONCLUSION: Sure I might be full of slightly unvalidated hatred for Miss Jennifer Lopez, but the truth is that she did make some of the biggest pop songz of the first half of this decade. She was cooing into the mic and delivering "fuck me eyez" back when music videoz were long and involved projects that required MTV documentation and budgets reaching more than someone's mortgage. Derriciously trashy is everything Lopez touchez, except for Gigli...or Enough...or Monster-In-Law....those just suck a lot. Honey, just stick to the crappy urban R&B from yesteryearz and we'll all be sufficed. JUST NO BALLADZ! PLEEEEASE!



Thursday, June 18, 2009

I was just in the kitchen admiring your collection of ceramic toads.

Being that I have to take an hora y media bus trip to and from Nueva three dayz a week, I've for def def def been catching up on my readings. Within the past month I've read two books during this commuter time and one I lovez and the other...I err...I couldn't read more than three pages @ once without falling asleep and dreaming of more interesting thingz, like watching toast burn or using a vacuum. But let me start with the book I adored!

Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris

David Sedaris is an idol of mine whose sarcastic and dry wit is something that helped inspire me starting my blog over a year ago! His short storiez based on his own life are highly entertaining and for totez gives me the courage to write whateva the shiz I want to without fear of it coming across sounding too crazy (aka what goez on inside my cabeza). This book is arguably his most well-known and was recommended to me by prox twelve separate peepz three years ago. I finally got around to reading it and I was largely satisfied. A good chunk of the stories are about his transition to living in Europe and how difficult the language barrier was for him. I related greatly, just in my own Spanish-to-English struggles and lessons from working at a restaurant with a high population of Guatemalanz (aka 6). My fav line in the book was about this very topic:

"I went from speaking like an evil baby to speaking like a hillbilly."

I've also read two of his other books, Naked and When You Are Engulfed in Flames, and I know that when I finish his other two remaining libroz, I am gonna cry forevz cuz I will want more and more funny anecdotal storiez that make my life seem a little less effed up while making me laugh my taint off, thus irritating my fellow bus passengerz.

LOOK! Even little Baberz lovez this book! And he can't read/is a cat!



The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield


Yawn! ZZZZZZZ! SleepCity, here I come! So with all due respect to my wonderful friend Justin who lent this book to me, I couldn't stand this pretentiouz malarkey of fake theoriez and shabby storytelling. Basically this book is about some dude that goez to Peru to research this ancient scroll that is composed of nine "insights" or lessons about life. He goes out searching for the last chapter with a bunch of expendable and two-dimensional characterz while the government/religious right do all they can to try and stop them. Yes, it does sound like the plot for the next Indiana Jones movie. Apparently it's one of the greatest selling bookz ever or some crap, but I just can't see how it can be read and not criticized for its blatantly poor writing.

Now to the author's credit, the theories James Redfield has come up with about life are actually quite interesting. They are all about those floaty idearz that each of us has a purpose in this world and that there are no "coincidences" or "accidents" and that everything happens for a reason. Yadda yadda. Let me light some incense and get in my fav yoga pose. But serial, his ideas are well-thought out and probably would have made for a great sociology thesis or scholarly study. But for some unfortunate reason or another, he decided that it would be best to cram his theoriez into a weakly written narrative that has terrible dialogue, uninteresting characters, clunky cliche descriptions and overall, just a lackluster scope of storytelling. I refuse to give up on bookz once I start dem, so I had to suffer myself through it. I did and boy was I glad when it was over. Oh, and just in case you think I am being cruel, take a look at the TRAILER for the film adaptation (aka huge dud) and tell me that it doesn't reek of suxxorcopters.


Up next is Chuck Palahniuk's Snuff. Shameless sex and violence! Huzzahz!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Top Ten Favz!

So in case you don't know me at all, my two obsessionz are music and maintaining my online rising celebrity status. So therefor it is only fitterz that I would have an unhealthy addiction to online music tracking website Last.FM. I first joined the website when I was starting my sophomore year in college and have been using it to actively catalogue my musical tastez throughout the past four yearz. Well, just last week I reached a landmark of 20,000 playz (Kelly Clarkson's "Cry" was the track to knock my total into this celebratory stratosphere)! To celebrate this accomplishment [that only I care about], I thought I'd take a look @ my top ten artists and analyze their importance in my life (and thus in yours).


#10 - Radiohead (370 plays)

So starting off this countdown of my most played artistz with a band as recognizably applauded as Radiohead doesn't bode too well in me attempting to stand out from the crowd. But whatevz! They're effing incredz and I have many a fond memory of my sister Melody forcing me to listen to OK Computer and having it scare this dumpz outta my middle school ass. That "Fitter Happier" song that is all computer talk haunted my dreamz! Being so robotic, it's a wonder that Carrie Underwood didn't perform it on American Idol. Anywayz, not much can be said about these dudez except that they are musical visionariez that are at the forefront of new and groundbreaking music. Great musix to zone out to (aka my fav sport). Blah blah...yeah they are kinda weird...but anyone intimidated by them needs to effing grow a pair and listen.


Key Trax: "High and Dry" - "Packt Like Sardines in a Crushd Tin Box" - "How To Disappear Completely"

Fav Album: Amnesiac




#9 - Björk (380 plays)

A year ago I hadn't a single song by Ms. Guðmundsdóttir on my hard drive. But after a spontaneous spending spree at the Princeton Record Exchange and the purchazing of her masterpiece record Homogenic, I'd be hard pressed to find an artist that fudgez with mi cabeza as much as this Icelandic goddess. Folks like to make fun of me and my sudden obsession with Björk, but they can all go eat some chubster's taint, cuz just like Radiohead, she challengez all of us gringos' perception of what definez music. Sure she sometimez sounds like dying animals while other timez sounding possessed ("Ancestors"...CHILLZ!), but she somehow always pulls off her eccentric side without ever seeming desperate or unwarranted. She and I are going to get married and fuck up the stalkarazzi together! Honeymoon!


Key Trax: "Alarm Call" - "Cocoon" - "Earth Intruders"

Fav Album: Homogenic




#8 - Dashboard Confessional (381 plays)

Chris Carrabba was still is my secret lover boyfriend. And I don't mean I've imagined us doing the nasty while wrecking one out...I mean, I actually will listen to his music and pretend he's repeatedly confessing his love for me, or yearning for my armz again to embrace him. It's a sickness I have; one that's been growing since I started listening to them, like eight yearz ago.
His voice is a heavenly tenor that actually gets me feeling pretty solid (if you know what I mean). His honestly poetic lyrics are beautiful and even though he's become a despised poster child for the wrong turn in the journey of "emo music" (seriously, what isn't considered "emo" nowadayz?), I think he's a genius and perfect and talented and very sexxxy sans shirt (feat. umbrellaz). I think to myself...how would I want my ideal life partner to look like? Chris Carrabba is the first and most accurate image that comez to mind. Oh...and I like his music a lot too. BONUS POINTZ!


Key Trax: "Turpentine Chaser" - "Bend and Not Break" - "So Long, So Long (feat. Adam Duritz) "

Fav Album: A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar




#7 - Jack's Mannequin (404 plays)

Probably one of the happiest moments of my life was on February 24th, 2007 when I got to see Jack's Mannequin play @ The Electric Factory in Phillerz. Not only was I right up against the stage and directly in the "fuck-me eyez" peripheralz of the one and only Andrew McMahon, but I was able to snag his personal setlist and meet him afterwardz (please ignore my hair...yes, it's tragic). Though it may not seem serialz based on my writing stylinz' on my blog, I did study creative writing [concentrating on poetry] while I was en la Universidad de Nueva Jersey. Well, I was going through a shitastico bout of da writer's block a few yearz back. And though it is corny as cornycobz can be, seeing this show and meeting this dude really knocked down that wall in my head and I have since become an excellent poet that can do no wrong. Tanx Andy!


Key Trax: "Last Straw" - "MFEO Pt. 2: You Can Breathe" - "Rescued"

Fav Album: Everything In Transit




#6 - Mae (405 plays)


I don't remember too much from my first year of college. Maybe it was due to all the work, or the constant drinking or the never sleeping, but it seems like a huge blur to me. It was probably my greatest year in college and I know it was a blast, but ask me the namez of most of the people I met and I'll draw a blank. Ask me some of the terrible nicknamez I came up for people, well that's another story. But I digress...my point is that one thing that has stuck with me throughout da yearz are some specific bands I discovered during my freshmen year that I still love and have grown to respect as I got older. Mae just happenz ta be one of those groups whose music catalogue constantly found itself echoing through mah headphonez and spinning through my noggin. Back when illegal music downloading was still the coolest ting in the world, I remember using this campus-wide downloading network called Direct Connect to mooch as much free shit as possible off of my peers. That's how I discovered Mae and I have been a better person ever since. Kudos to thievery!


Key Trax: "The Ocean" - "Rocket" - "Tisbury Lane"

Fav Album: The Everglow




#5 - Death Cab For Cutie (428 plays)


Everyone lovez Death Cab For Cutie and everyone alwayz makes sure that their name is listed on their Facebook and MySpace just so any visitorz will know just how hip and progressive a person they are. But ignoring their hype and how every college kid thinks they belong in creative writing workshopz with me, just because they poorly duplicated Ben Gibbard's lyrics while listening to Transatlanticism, they are rather epic in their storytelling and hypnotizingly oucherz in their lyrics. If I was to try and guess how many tears have fallen from my eyez due to excessive Death Cab exposure, I would say that prox Infinity Thousand and a half would be an educated estimate.


Key Trax: "Brothers On a Hotel Bed" - "You Can Do Better Than Me" - "We Looked Like Giants"

Fav Album: Plans




#4 - Panic At the Disco (444 plays)


I for supa dupa serial thought that Panic! At the Disco were gone for eternity. Sure, they won
MTV Video Music Awards and were Pete Wentz's personal flufferz for awhile, but I don't think I was alone in not expecting much from the foursome once their hype finally died down. And I probably would have forgotten about them completely and let them go the way of Lit, SR-71 and Eve 6 if it wasn't for my friend Enricoskatez who from the minute I met him, pretty much berated me for not owning Panic's second disc Pretty.Odd. Well oh boy...when I finally did give it a listen, I didn't stop playing it for monthz on end. It's a complete switcheroo from their earlier work and has a tinge of folky rock that replaces the headache-enducing club thumpingz of their debut.


Key Trax: "Folkin' Around" - "Northern Downpour" - "Lying Is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off"

Fav Album: Pretty.Odd




#3 - Kelly Clarkson (523 plays)

Of course Kelly flippin' Clarkson is in my top ten artistz. I played that ho's All I Ever Wanted to the point of exhaustion and appreciated every moment of its candy-coated sugar rush. I think I need a root canal just by listening to the original Idol winner's latest CD. It's pure pop heaven and I get violently angry when I hear that there are some foolish individualz out there who have yet to experience the beauty that is every thing K. Clarkson does. Durhz she was amazing on Idol, but that was back when I hated my life and I didn't watch the first season at all. Everyone has gotten on her case as of late, saying that she's gotten mad gordita and shiz but I pers0nally just think it is the immense amount of talent she has to hold onto to that's making her look plump. That isn't a hamburger she's eating, it's just a giant fatty patty of vocal dexterity. Those aren't french fries she's eating, she's simply snacking on some high notez. She doesn't look like a whale, she lookz ike my idol.


Key Trax:
"I Want You" - "Sober" - "Gone"

Fav Album: All I Ever Wanted




#2 - Elliott Yamin (614 plays)

Before there was Kris Allen, Megan Joy, Syesha!, David Hernandez or any other Idol choloz I became dangerously obzezzered with (save Jennifer Hudson), there was my season five lover, Elliott Yamin. His voice is flawless and Simon even said that he was the greatest male singer on the face of this planet. When he got voted off and that slut Katherine McWhatEva got through along with some old frumpy pepaw that ended up winning the show, I thought I was gonna flip a million shetz and beat some bitchez down. Of course I got his debut CD when it came out and of course I bought his follow-up album when it came out last month. His high status on my Last.FM chart is largely a result to my tendency to play his Idol performancez (always under two minutez) on repeat until I had fully transported myself onto the stage, behind the mic and pretend that I too was talented enough to do anything with my voice other than fuel my own vanitiez with careless daydreamz. But regardless of my shortcomingz, Elliott actually is an incredibly talented vocalist that deserves many albumz sold and many Josh Is Trashy kisses on his cheek.


Key Trax: "Know Better" - "Alright" - "Home [as performed on American Idol]"

Fav Album: Fight For Love




#1 - P!nk (658 plays)

This for deferishonishez should come as no surprise to anyone. My obsession with Alecia Beth Moore started prox a jillion yearz ago when I was wathing The Box, some music channel that was cooler than MTV and not as lame as VH1. I remember seeing a video for some punk-ass rap song called "There You Go" and from then on it's been love. It's a love she is unaware of at the moment, but give it time! She'll fall for my gay ass soon enougherz. Anyway, she crashed a motorcycle through some toolbox's window, then she boxed a bitch, harrassed Santa Claus and strutted herself about in some anti-clothes. Then came the partying, trouble and assumed societal failure when her third album Try This bombed on the charts. I lovez that album, but since America is stupid for serialz, no on else bought it. Then she released her next album, with the middle-finga-straight-up-your ass title track I'm Not Dead. Then came Funhouse which was equally amazing, though a little more darkaroni than her previous albumz. But regardless of what her different albums were like, I have listened to them all and love the diversity and wide musical range carried throughout. The day I meet P!nk is the day I throw myself off a bridge, cuz there is for literalz no other reason to go on. I LOVEZ HER.

Key Trax: "'Cuz I Can" - "God Is a DJ" - "Mean"

Fav Album: I'm Not Dead




Bloggy fanz, what would you say are some of YOUR FAVORITE BANDS? And why!?

Monday, June 15, 2009

My Monday Muse

Rhonetta Johnson


Who is the savior of my life? Who is the incarnate of all my trashy middle school dreams? Who is the one lady that might turn me onto liking ladies? She's glitter-fantastico! She's all mouf! And no Paula, she doesn't want your bubbly water (but tanx for axing). She is Rhonetta!



This beautiful specimen of the female form was found during my college yearz and was a constant source of comfort and inspiracion when I went through my darker moments. Hers is a story of perseverance. A declaration of hope. A lesson in grace and an example of mannerz. She is my herp (mispell edit: "hero", but it stayz).

A contestant on a former season of American Idol, my future wife [or favorite 7-11 cashier] strutted her sparkle-dusted nalgaz to the sound of tribal wailing into the judging chamber to truly monumental results. Her attire is contemporary and awe-inspiring. "Sexy", "different" and even "a bit reflective," the disco[whore]ball look will totally be rocked by all the mamacitas in the city in another year. But none of dem desperate hos will be able to pull off those boots like Rho-Rho! Those kickz have more glitter on them than Adam Lambert's uh-oh hole! Ahead of her time and with a weave that just won't quit (so natural!), From the second Rhonetta high-kicked the camera and launched her missile-thighs in front of the judges, my heart was stolen.

But apparently said judges were feeling a little off that audition day. Paula, Randy and Simon must have gone temporarily deaf (and blind!) that day to not be able to acknowledge the shear magnitude and talent of the Rhonetta. She stampedez all 110% percent of her girth into that room and is instantly in star mode, putting to shame Britney Spears (sorry Enricocopterz!) with a moving rendition of "Oops!...I Did It Again." And then she tellz us it was just a joke?! Well if that beautiful A Capella wasn't her audition then I am sure her actual song will echo like angelic lullabiez from the heavens. Since we are the luckiest damn peepz eva, Rho-Rho gives us two songs to enjoy. Though mere tidbits of a full performance, each is beautiful in their brevity:

Song #1 - "You Remind Me" - Mary J. Blige
Listen to that tone! Raspy and slightly masculine, Rho-Rho works that lower register like a champ before throwing my ears in a tailspin with a head voice that would make Christina Aguilera run for cover. And the gentle stroking of those cocoa thighs?! TO. DIE. FO. But because her voice was "hoarse" (though it sounded euphoric and flawless to ME!), Rho-Rho demands (like a diva!) that she be allowed to sing another song (feat. combing her weave with acrylic tipz). Paula offerz her some of her bubbled wa-wa [in a Coca-Cola cup?! Blasphemerz!] and 'Netta wisely declines...who knows what's floating around in that shit!?

Song #2 - "And I" - Ciara
Because she is a professional/smart, Rho-Rho decidez that for her second gift of song she will pull out her mid-range and bring out a little sexxxy in her vocals. It's an absolutely gorg performance and I really feel the lyrics. I mean, I could have everything in the world, and I'd sacrifice it all for an album from this prodigy! The judges then start to be dicks and throw shit at her, but does my girl back down?! Hellz NO! She keeps on singing: "I know that he won't break my heart," and I am RIGHT THERE with you Rho-Rho. In spirit, I am swaying there beside you. I'm hiking up that skirt a little more for you. I'm snapping that oh-so-necessary extra snap after you finished singing, just to emphasize that yes, this is music, and yes, this beauty will be a legend.

But the judgez are stubborn artardz and send my girl home without a golden ticket. She'll still make it though! She leaves that dump of an audition with her head held high and a homeless man holding her coat. In a bout of commendable self-actualization, Rho-Rho promises us that we will see her again and she will be on television and she will be hotter than the person who won American Idol, selling more recordz than American Idol [Tanx0B020Gawd!].

Paula is surely jellerz, for as Rhonetta has informed us, "girlz [always] be getting mad, just yellin' at me." She also pointz out the crucial facts that Paula is "old as hell" and has "funky played-out shit that is SO funky and played-out." I mean really folkz, not to offend and Paula Abdul fanz, but she hasn't released an album in TWENTY DAMN YEARZ!

Given the chance, I think she could be the top...at the top of the charts. Above J.Lo and Mariah, cuz you know..."she's good...she's good." Rhonetta, you have my support. "Anybody can learn to sing, but anybody can't be like me. That's for damn sure." Yes it is, Rhonetta. Yes it is. I know that I cannot wait for her set the city on fiya!


Sunday, June 14, 2009

Meet your new road...


I've recently started to get into a movie kick and have been avoiding productivity and errandz by sitting on my ass and watching other people do shit. As mentioned before, I saw Up a few weekz ago that made me depressed. I also saw Drag Me to Hell - which was awesome/hilariouz and had me crying with laugherz @ the last scene - and Land of the Lost - which was boring and terrible and for defferz in the top ten worst moviez I have ever laid my eyes on. Well I also rented the movie adaptation of the [off-]Broadway show Godspell from Netflix and it was grrrreat. Like any person who ever went to public school, I was involved in my high school's production of it. I helped paint the set and was the spotlight coordinator for the show [aka since it's Godspell, I got to use all the colors and just go nutz to make it as seizure-enducing as possible]. I forgot how much I mother-effing love this show, regardless of my religiouz beliefs. Even though I don't follow any specific creed, I can't helped but be moved by some of the parables, acted out by the rainbow-children cast of bagabonds. The last 15 minutes of the film, especially the song "On the Willows" [see da vid below], had me in uncontrollable tears. [I drowned!]

Not only was it great nostalgic fun to watch this film and remember working on it and the three hundred timez I went to go see it with my family whenever it was playing nearby, but it made me really wish I had the guts to audition for a role in something/be a hippie. I did record myself singing my favorite song from the film/musical, "By My Side", but because I'm a wimp and a ½, I for probz won't post it. But I will post a picture of me performing with the cast of Godspell (feat. Jennifer Hudson for some reason):







[Note: How heartbreaking is the part with the puppet?!? Ag! Millionz of tearz!]


Wednesday, June 10, 2009

The Early Yearz



So I decided to go spelunking through my past and found my VERY FIRST WEBSITE! I'm surprised it hasn't been torn down to make room on the web for more porn. I made it back in the early 2000s, when I was a creepy looking teenager with a random sense of being and a sick sense of humor. I just combed the site thoroughly and found myself shaking my head in disgust @ how lamercopterz I really used to be [cuz now I'm so much better].

However, though my old jokez seem kinda tame compared to the jizz-shet I felch out on here, I must admit that I am quite impressed with myself for putting together such a complicated and abundant site back then. Sure, most of what's on there is crap...but it's A LOT of crap. Not to swallow my own glitterstick, but I remember spending horaz upon horaz studying HTML tutorials online just to know how to link that to that and post that picture and hook up that online quiz and design animations and yadda yadda ya. Oh dear Angelfire, what would bored teenage internerdz like me have done if it wasn't for you and your supasexy webhosting abilitiez?! Maybe play a sport? Help people? Do anything productive? Lame!

Aside from some broken links and misaligned text, the site still seems rather intact. And it's really dating me! It was before I had a webcam or a digital camera, so all of the picturez of me and my "buddies" were ghetto disposable camera pix that I scanned into my computer. Damn, I was dedicated. I seriously forgot how much time and effort I spent on this monstrosity. That opening animation literally hurtz my eyez and the whole site is a giant hot mess...but I still lovez it. How could I not? Like children, I love all of my creationz. Not equally...but I still love them all. Anyway, I'm glad it still exists so I can look back [feat. tear in my eye] on my first attempts at web stardom and reflect on how cool I really thought I was.

Now, while you're enjoying a tour of my pit of embarrassment first website, let me provide you with some key pointz to check out:

  • Be sure to admire my old site's MSPaint-created animated GIF logo. To say I was proud of that accomplishment, along with the dancing Nintendo characterz at the bottom of the first page, would be a huge understatement. I thought that I was a computer programmer. Delusionz!
  • If you couldn't tell, I was [and still kinda am] completely in love with Aaliyah and when she died, I for supa serialz thought I was going with her. I still pay homage to her every year on the anniversary. I'm sensitiverz, occasionally.
  • There are too many random quotes...especially for a public site where the majority of the people reading will have no effing clue what I am talking about. But then again, how is that different than what I currently do? Good point me!
  • I apparently loved The Calling and hated Vanessa Carlton. What? And why did I spell P!nk's name wrong?! I'm teh stupidz.
  • The section on my friend Brian's late cat Mandy is probably the greatest thing I will ever create in my entire life. I've resigned myself to the fact that no blog/poem/essay/story/good deed/craft/casserole will match the pure jubilant mayhem of the two frame animation of that obese animal "dancing" like she's one of the Pussycat Dolls.
  • There is a link to my My-Diary.org page somewhere on my site. Try and find it! If you do, you have access to some of the most hilarious shit I have ever written. What makez it even funnier is that I was trying to sound serious and deeply introspective in my writing, but actually just ended up being a pitiful stereotype to teenz everywhere. Hatez [young] me!
What do YOU folkz think of my first site?! Lovez it? Hatez it? Utterly confusederskatez?!


PS:
How queer [as folk] is it that Shakira's "Underneath Your Clothes" was my last song of the week? Haha. LOVEZ IT and I still listen to that song!



Monday, June 8, 2009

My Monday Muse

My life is a terribly depressing place filled with nothing but sadness and tearz. So therefor, to get myself through each exhausting week after exhausting week, I need to resort to certain deitiez or creationz of the divine to help keep my mind inspired and my spirits high. So I thought that I would start to pay homage to those individualz and tingz that fill my life with uber-critical joy and allow me to exist in this world without completely going off the wall bonkerz (ala Lindsay Lohan). So it is my great honor to start a Josh Is Trashy tradition right here [duh] today by crowning my first Monday Muse [get your golf clapz ready]...



Screaming Parking Lot Behemoth from Hell

A long, long time [aka prox a year and a month] I was just a silly little college student, drudging my dayz through classes and work and whatever and blah and cake...without any real passion or purpose. But alas! Dear friendz, the universe/God/cosmos/P!nk always has a way of making sure things work out for the best in our livez. And so was born YouTube. My friends and I, during the end of our sophomore year of college in good ole 2006, discovered this treasure chest of videoz galore and had a Thanksgiving Day feast [sans getting fat]. And one of our earliest memoriez from those olden times was watching this beauty above, who I have coined so appropriately, the "Screaming Parking Lot Behemoth from Hell".




Her originz are unknown and her mannerisms are a thing to be studied. Her grace is unrivaled. Her style is...a large stretched out blue shirt that is trying to be a muumuu. My friends Xtina and Sam helped me locate this majestic beast deep within the interwebbed forest of the Internet. But when we found her, we were put face to face with the glorious being whose euphoric existed I am trying to so humbly encapsulate in primitive wordingz. In this video [the only known documentation of her transcendence into our world], she is defending her natural habitat, a dirrty parking lot in SmutCity, Ohio, against the likez of some wannabe skateboarding (xxxxxxxxxxtreme!) starz and their photographer friends.

Though the source of my Behemoth's anger isn't completely expressed in the video, we are able to gather several facts that may clue us in as to why she is so volatile to these unsuspecting gringoz: A. They are taking photographs that she deems illegal, though she gives no proof as to owning the glorious, muck-covered plot she is defending; B. These shameful photographers are a form of stalkarazzi that come to this very location every few years to document her grazing patterns; C. They have peed on her, allegedly.

After calmly and rationally explaining her plight [in her native language, which when translated into human speak is similar to gargantuan shouting and demonic growling], and encouraging the PHOTOgrapherz to call 911 on themselves, she provides us with a valuable insight into her anger. In a rare glimpse into the mind of a behemoth, she informs the photographers what they are at fault of. And what are their crimez?

1. Trespassing; 2. Illegal photographing; 3. They're not allowed; 4. They've been yelled at.


Why does she inspire ME? She gives me the courage to stand my ground [for presumably no reason] and protect what's rightfully someone else's. She has instilled in me the desire to burn to tithers my vocal chords through tribal wailing and blood-curdling terror-screams. She's shown me that it is okay to be angry at those you don't know, and even more okay to berate them in public. And finally (and most importantly) she has given me the strength to become so enraged that words no longer start to need a meaning in their structure and can be simply strung together in phrases and grunts. [Case In Point: "Don't smart to me you did before," "Give me your card ya hear of Dairy Queen get out!" and the infamous "What's your name and number Norma K?"]

TanxB2U dear Parking Lot Behemoth from Hell, may you find more dank lots to graze in and more innocent civilianz to belittle.