Saturday, May 9, 2009

The WTFs Of My Music Library - Part II

So back again is another trio of confusing and difficult-to-explain musical masterclasses that I found gathering dust in the corner of my hard drive. Yes, I know I'm sick. I can't help it. Pop muzak is just built into my programming. Now enjoy the tunes and laugh at me. As always...the songz are available to listen at the bottom of the entry.

Lisa Marie Presley - "Lights Out"

Remember when this dirrty-haired angler fish-faced rockspawn attempted to have a music career? Of course you don't. Hence why it was incredibly amusing for me to stumble upon this first single of hers while spelunking through my music catalog. Now the song isn't bad (though Sheryl Crow has used the backing music in like 12 other songs) and actually has some pretty cool and dark lyrics...something about her dead parents and how she's not gonna join them something something. I would dare to say that I actually really like this certified 2003 flop. But just like Kelly Osbourne (who recorded two albums...and I own both), there is a desperation to create this rockstar appeal about themselves way too soon in their career. Like, hos, you can't just strut onto the set with guitarz (prerecorded, blasting from speakerz) blazing, wearing some torn t-shirt, tight jeans and Courtney Love hair while snarling and curling your booze-lips into the camera and then call yourself a rawk-*supastar*. I may be a traditionalist, but I think it takes a long road to sow the oats of rock stardom, not just cannonballing out of some chica's lazy uterus to find yourself with a rock n' roll daddy and pilez of monez. And it's for this reason that this whole song/music career, that Lisa thankfully seemed to give up to have her own Elvis look-alike babiez, seems like a charade and not at all close to genuine.

Oh, and look at this awk pic from like 5 yearz ago of LMP (nice "punk" edgy, makes me want to buy your album) with P!nk (circa 23) and Avril LaVigne (circa 19). Sure they look like great friends, except that LMP is roughly 40 in this goddamn pic. Stop sucking the youthful energy out of the young'unz! [well, Avril's okay. You can suck that bitch dry and crap on her cuerpo for all I care.]

[from the television show] "LazyTown" - "Cooking By the Book"

It all started two summerz ago. I had just moved out of my parent's house and into my own college abode with some friendz of mine. It was June I believe, and I was the first to move all my garbage into the house. My great friend Xtina also moved in that week, and without anyone else in the house and no one around town during the summer, we had to keep ourselves busy and entertained until the semester started. Well, thus began our long-standing and still prevalent relationship with YouTube. Between the two of us, we have found more fucked up, non-sensible BS on the web than our funny bonez can handle. One such video was this masterpiece of children's televisor.

Taken from show show with a pink-haired harlot and her band of terrifying puppetz called "LazyTown", X & I became dangerously obzezzerzed with this poptastic ode to the intricate steps of baking. Disregarding the fact that there is really no reason to listen to the song if you're not watching the video as well, I am a proud owner of an MP3 of this track. It rivalz Bach and Mozart and all those other dead composer gringoz. The alternating of verses between the fat retard, lazy-eyed drug-addict and huge-handed pedo along with the energetic choruses brought to us by the den mother prostitot, really makes this an over-produced, noneducational and just plain disturb gem of a daytime TV pop song. The tune'z beat is almost as fresh as the derricious candy-cake they make at the end of the video! Normal!

Lindsay Lohan - "Speak" [yes, the entire album]

Please...before I begin: let's take a long gander at the album cover. Pure genius. I don't even have to listen to this sure-fire hit to know that it oozes with the rOcK n' RoLl spirit! Look at the hot fuchsia graphix and the guitar and the cross bones and the naked chick! Is there anything more hardxxxcore?! Well, maybe Avril's Abbey Dawn [available @ Kohl's!] clothing line...but nothing else! How I came to acquire this beautiful record is through my good frizzend, Valerie Rose. A long while ago when I wasn't as big a stingy bastardo as I am now, I lent my dearest friend Val $20 buckaloonz and a week later she promised to pay me back. She did, but only what she paid me wasn't a sparkling $20 shoved violently into in my g-string, but a $10 bill and Blohan's debut album. After beating her to death and crying myself to sleep, we finally listened to the album and let it wash over us in its majestic beauty.

Slow heartfelt ballads like "Symptoms Of You" and "Over" let me jive with my injured-bird-fighting-to-fly-free mentality while "Rumors" and "Speak" make me want to shake my whore-ass up and down a pole all night [yes. I just said that]. What a wonderful album that was surely shortlisted at the Grammys for Best Pop Vocal Album [if not Album of the Year!]. Okay, so I am clearly kidding and Slohan has one of the worst voices I've ever heard on recorded media, but the producers most definitely deserve some recognition for having to put up with her coked-out existence and suffer through recording [gulp] a full-length disc. Interested in picking up a copy? I'm sure this CD is buried [like the treasure it is] underneath countless Jessica Simpson singlez and out of season Trans-Siberian Orchestra albums in the bargain rack of Target, but if you ever have the opportunity, you must give it a listen. It's truly, one in a million.


belay said...

To be fair, I called you to ASK if you wanted 10 bucks and "Speak", so STFU.

And: hqrhaehaeraerhbareharehbaebara @ out of season TSO.

Christina said...

i love all these trash slavez

a really talented graphic esigner (unlike myself) made that slohan cd cover. the fact that you compared it to Avrils line @ Kohl's made my fucking life.

is that bacon on that guys penis?

Melody, Destroyer of Dreams said...

mmmmm...bacon AND penis....