Monday, May 25, 2009

Scared the ass off of me...


I've always been a horror movie junkie. I grew up with my demented sisters who were constantly watching every scary movie they could get their grubby mits on and my mother who downs Stephen King novels like I down Emergen-C: Cranberry-Pomegranate. I've been exposed to all sorts of terrifying business @ their expense, be it the bastard clown from It, that deformed chick from Pet Sematary, the devil tree from Poltergeist or that confusing bullshit ending to The Blair Witch Project (seriously, why the eff are they just standing there?!), so I must admit that I have become quite pompous at my tolerance of da cinematic frightz.

But boy do I ever have to shove a tubesock in my mouth; through my glorious beacon of light, Netflix, I was able to rent the Japanese cult classic horror gem Audition. Being that I am a countdown show/website junkie, I remember reading and thusly researching this film in the past. So I added it thinking that it would be just another AZN jumpfest that might stir the shit but definitely not shoot the pudding.

Well, for the first time since I was a little wimpy gringo back in elementary school, I turned the movie off midway. Basically the movie is about this dude whose wife peacez out. He's all sad and such and then thinks he should marry some new hot piece. He holds faux movie auditions in an attempt to meet chix and he falls for this timid little number, Asami. Well, the ho isn't as gentle as it may initially seem...not to give any of the plot pretzel twistz away, but she has a fucked up past and an even more deranged present. Some shit goes down and let me just say, when the skank said "This wire can cut through meat and bone easily," and reactively demonstrated this proclamation, I punched the STOP button and threw my wimpass under my pillows and cried for an hour.

Hell, even the damn DVD menu screen freaked me the shiz out. Oh! And don't get me started on the goddamn burlap sack and the special surprise waiting inside of it. [I. DIED.]



In case you're interested, here is a clip about Audition from some Bravo! countdown show that you know I wish I could waste an entire Sunday afternoon watching.





Good luck to any of you brave[r] souls if you honestly are gonna look into watching it. For me, I'm happy to shove that hell flick into the nearest mailbox, try not to have nightmares and wait for another episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 to be delivered.


13 comments:

belay said...

Can we watch it together?

Anonymous said...

I want to see this movie sooo bad!! You must get it again and we will watch it together... I will provide support and alcohol so you can make it through! I haven't seen a good scarefest in a long time!

Peace out,
Cindy (one of your demented sisters)

Anonymous said...

OK, I actually just watched the little preview you posted...a little creeped out! This movie makes Hard Candy look like child's play. Don't you think?

-sister C.

that's J-O-S-H said...

I totally had "Hard Candy" stuck in my mind while watching it! Similar "the hunted hunts the hunter" kind of theme.

Anonymous said...

Yes, I had a feeling you may have made the same connection! Great minds think alike!

-C.

Michelle M. said...

I'll have to Netflix it.
The deformed chick is Zelda and she was played by a guy. She still scares the crap outta me.
Have you seen Evil Dead 2? I highly recommend. I hope Drag Me to Hell (also by Sam Raimi) is good.

that's J-O-S-H said...

My friend just contacted me about "Drag Me to Hell". I hope the film is as good as the hype around it is pimping it out to be!

john said...

Michelle M.: Warning! Josh is SO right, this movie is f*ckig CREEPY!

Josh: I totally turned this movie off when I watched it for the first time. The look on her face when she was demonstrating the saw was just wrong, wrong, wrong. Oh and the burlap sack...(i want my mommy).

Have you seen any of the Masters of Horror series? Some of those are freaky, especially Imprint by Takashi Miike.

that's J-O-S-H said...

No I haven't! Do they also involve dismembered fellows who have a taste for the vomz?!

Nathan V. said...

This movie is on my massive list of movies to watch. I'm excited and terrified to see it.

Most horror movies don't scare me, they just make me queasy with the incredibly real grossness.

One day, I will watch it and Salo: or the 100 days of sodom and Pink Flamingos in one day and then cry myself to sleep.

that's J-O-S-H said...

"Pink Flamingos" is EPIC. Divine is legendary...and is it bad that I am VERY attracted to John Waters?

Nathan V. said...

Ewwww...Yes, that is bad. I'm fairly certain that I've had nightmares about that pencil stashe.

Nathan V. said...

Ok, so I just watched this movie. I don't really know what happened in it, but it wasn't so bad. If you got to those choice lines and the content of the burlap sack, you were pretty close to the end of the movie! If you'd just held in for another ten minutes or so you'd have made it! The first hour or so was actually quite charming.