Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Music Video Vault

So as anyone who could ever call themselves a "friend" of mine could tell you, the single thing that bringz me the most amount of joy in my life (aside from kittens and neglecting my daily responsibilities to bitch about American Idol) is watching old pop music videos and picking them apart like I do pretty much everything else in my life. There is a goldmine of terrible televised music goodness just waiting to be re-experienced via the wonderz of the web. And since I am quite honestly a freak of effing nature, I have an affinity for those songz and videos that no one seems to recall or remember. Thus I have decided to add a series of entries to my blog entitled the Music Video Vault. I shall start my first analysis with probably one of my favorite things to watch ever in the history of the world (yes including porn), and that is...


Brandy - "What About Us?"


WHAT'S THE DEAL?: For all you poor souls who are too young to have really been blessed with her presence, Brandy was a big deal back in the late nineties. She was this R&B songbird that everyone was obsessed with for like a month. She had a bunch of cheezy songs about love and then she starred in that urban-based feel-good sitcom Moesha where she...did...teenager shit. I dunno. I never watched it, mainly cuz it wasn't Sister/Sister (feat. those Mowry hos), and that show was EPIC. She did that sassy song with Monica about some boy being hers and then she almost got her ass handed to her in that I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. Then for all intents and purposes she disappeared from the planet until she arose like a widespread-eyed Phoenix from the firez with her 2002 album Full Moon. And the glorious comeback single for this forgotten vixen? Well it was this gem of a clunker pop dump that featured enough production to shame BritBrit and enough bass to knock Fergie's smelly piss taint onto the floor. Plus the video is pure CGI magical fairy world heaven!


VIDEO SYNOPSIS: Brandy is in this futuristic world of floating islands, slave-men, pointless windtunnels and other confusing fuckeriez. She's pissed about her boi not calling her or something and then basically gives him the finger and steals his sunglasses. She does her fav dance move a lot [clenching her hands, pumping the air and pretending that she's fisting God] and shakes her ass about like we really wanna see it. She looks like some sort of bug to me. Her face is confusing. She tells us that she doesn't need "this bull-fish" and then imprisonz some dudez. She's dressed "sexy" throughout the whole video, and by "sexy" I mean "ridiculous." Brandy, dear, all the leather Catwoman outfits and shiny lip glosses and red highlights in the world won't make you look any less like one of those fucked up aliens from Signs (feat. cheap weave). Sorry...it's just a fact. By the end of the video, she's on some planet that's completely inhabited by bouncing carz and her brother Ray J. Then the video ends and my eyes have trouble adjusting back to a world that isn't 98.5% computer graphix.




POINTS OF MENTION:

:05 - Note Brandy's magic pirate chest filled with many a lost treasure...like her ability to sell records.

:21 - Exxxtreme homoeroticism via naked men on all fours who occasionally make pained faces like they are going spelunking in each other's hoohahz.

1:15 - Ms. Norwood catches a baseball bat from above, that clearly in the shot preceding it was flying horizontal toward her. Hooray for sloppy editing!

1:44 - She smashes a cellphone...another texting device...and a...golden dildo? Any ideaz what the fudge that thing is?

2:09 - Brandy hates civil rights and forces her two slavez to dance for her inside a giant colander.

3:49 - Some Tyrese-wannabe gets into the driver's seat of the car that Brandy's been bouncing around in, as if the entire planet wasn't packed with bumper-to-bumper traffic/there was a place to drive to.



THE CONCLUSION: Definitely one of the finest forays in the world of music videos, Brandy's "What About Us?" most surely set the standards for music video quality. And that's a bar low enough for even a legless person to jump over. Good job Brandy! Now go kill more people with your car and judge on Idol and America's Got Talent, cuz you are totally still relevant in today's music scene! I promise!


15 comments:

hoteltuesday said...

Well excuse me, but I actually love Ms. Norwood and "What About Us" was a great comeback single (a top 7 hit in the US AND a Grammy nominee). And the video was even number 1 on TRL!!
And that gold thing she hits? Probably that GRAMMY she won (not the other 15 she was nominated for but didn't win), saying "Who needs a Grammy when I have a hot comeback single and a pyramid of naked men?"
Now go listen to her best album Afrodisiac (Best Contemporary R&B Album Grammy nominee) and apologize/blog about how great "I Tried" and "Afrodisiac" and "Who Is She 2 U" are.

that's J-O-S-H said...

Enrico! You forgot to mention that it was also a nominee for the Viewer's Choice award at the VMAs!

I admit, I have cried many a time to "Have You Ever?" Oh...my broken middle school heart. ::tearz tearz::

Bill Trüb said...
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belay said...

Isn't she in jail for manslaughter or something? And by 'jail', I mean 'obscurity (feat. Khia)'.

belay said...

Also, this music video is the basis for our friendship, besides racing to beat each other in memorizing the rap in "Me Against The Music (feat. Madonna)".

Christina said...

thank you Val for bringing this up... i think the most important thing u forgot to mention, oosh, is that BRANDY KILLED A GUY! and who can forget that reality show of her when she was pregnant? that barely lasted past the actual birth?

that's J-O-S-H said...

NO! Of course I remembered that! "Good job Brandy! Now go kill more people with your car..."

hoteltuesday said...

You are all terrible! She murdered someone by accident! Tons of people kill people with their cars by accident (see Lynne Spears).
And Brandy's raspy vocals are the best. And while she may not exactly have tons of hits recently, she does have CDs that have basically ALL been critically well-received. And at the end of the day, what's more important: money, or critical acclaim? Exactly.

that's J-O-S-H said...

Hhahah Lynne Spears...I wonder when SHE'S gonna release an album.

NO worriez Enricoz, I'm serious when I say that the "What About Us?" video is one of my favorite thingz to watch ever. And it IS one of my fav pop songz eva. Just behind "Hit 'em Up Style (Oops!)" by Blu Cantrell and before "In My Pocket" by Mandy Moore...

...hmm, I think I have two other ideas for the Music Video Vault!

Bill Trüb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mariel said...

when i was younger and whenever "The Boy Is Mine" video came on by Brandy and Monica, I would sing it and act it out in front of the mirror. I would also pretend i was Brandy whenever "Sittin In My Room" came on. Can I get a HELL YEA! for the "Waiting To Exhale" soundtrack people?!

hoteltuesday said...

Heck yeah! I used to listen to that soundtrack all the time. "Not Gon' Cry" and "Count on Me" are the best! I def used to wish I was a mature black lady when I put that CD in!

Polt said...

When you said "old" music videos, I'm thinking "Like A Virgin" or "Money For Nothing" or "White Wedding". What do we get? BRANDY??? :)

*SIGH*....oh to be young again. :)

Great post though.

Verification word was 'reapshig' which sounds vaguely like a swear word, I think, but obviously isnt.

HUGS...

that's J-O-S-H said...

Oh don't worry...I will try to post some more "classic" videos in upcoming installmentz! Any suggestions for absolutely ridiculous/awesome videos to do?!

belay said...

When is Lynne Spears (feat. duet w/ Kristin Cavallari) coming out with an album?

WHY HAVEN'T YOU DONE A POST YET ON BROOKE HOGAN'S "THE REDEMPTION" ALBUM COVER?!