Wednesday, May 13, 2009

The Final 3 Showdown


So here it is. The motherfudging final three on American Idol. As anyone who has been following my blog recently would notice, I haven't been recapping Idol like I usually do. Main reason is cuz this season turned into a shitfest and everyone blew chunks (except my baby's daddy Kris Allen) and I started to become too overwhelmed by the shear magnitude of suck to continue any longer. Well, I decided to get myself pumped for the season finale next week by diving in and critiquing this week's massacre.

The spotlight opens on the stage and the camera panz past our three contenders. For the first season ever in Idol history the final three all have cocks. First we see Danny Gokey who smiles like a sloth but then quickly thinks about his dead wife and frowns. Then there is Kris who looks adorable but slightly blind/terrified. Lastly, Adam Lambert grosses everything up and purses his whore lipz @ the camera like this is Idol of Love Bus (which is a show I think they should totally make, though I'm sure Antonella "least slutty person I know" Barba would win, handz down).

Ryan Seacrest tells us it's Idol's 300th episode and everyone cheers and all those wasted hours of my life start screaming at me from beyond the grave like in A Christmas Carol. Ryan calls them the three amigos and I roll my eyes and get myself some cereal. They each sing two songs tonight, one they pick and one that the judges pick.

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Up first is Gokerz who had a song chosen for him by Paula Abdul. It's called "Dance Little Sister" and it's by Terrence Trent D'Arby and neither Danny or I know it. Paula seal claps and spews some Wiki facts about it. Whatever. There are a million band members on stage and in the rafters and everything is loud and distracting. Danny has perfected the Elliott Yamin meets Chris Daughtry voice, which I should love, but I don't. Abandoning what made those two singers great in their own rights, Gokerz is just abrasive and painful to watch. The backing vocalists are singing way louder than him, almost as if they turned their mics up to drown Gokerz out. Smart choice! He bobz up and down like a buoy throughout most of the performance, like he is trying to find the right place to take a squat-dump and midway through a saxophonist popz outta nowhere and does this unnecessary solo, while Gokerz ::gulp:: scats. No...sorry...scatting is annoying and doesn't belong on Idol. Remember Leslie Hunt and Blake Lewis and how both of them were irritating fucktards that made me hate Idol a few seasonz back? And they were GOOD at the scat [haha]. Danny just sucks and he really needz to bounce his chowda-ass off the stage. Doesn't he have some crying at his wife's grave to do?

Near the end he suicide jumps into the judge's lion den and he starts to sound decent. But there aren't any glory notez and he's not doing anything impressive or worth mentioning.

Randy thought it "jumped it off tonight" or some shit. Kara likes his "money spot" (?) but hated his artarded dancing. His gyrating made her feel sick, which I COMPLETELY agree with in so many different ways...well only one way...and that's imagining him having sex. Vomz! Paula figuratively slaps Kara and says she is a choreographer and she thought it was great...blah...seal clap. Simon tells both the girls to eat dump and informs them that it isn't Celebrity Dance-Off or whatever that show is called that Lil Kim is currently whoring up. He thought the vocals were good and that the sax solo was dumb. Then he mugz Paula. I'm serious.

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My future hubby is up next and because they aren't important by themselves, Kara and Randy are told to combine their idiocies and pick a song for him. They pick "Apologize" by OneRepublic Timbaland (featuring OneRepublic) and Kara sayz that it's a "dark song" for a "dark horse". Which I don't get, cuz are there really any "dark horses" left in the competition? Anooperz went home agez ago! Kris has always been a front-runner, bitch.

He has his cute little ass seated at a piano and he soundz nearly identical to the original. I hate to admit that the beginning is quite weak, but it is. Luckily he slowly starts to work thingz out at the chorus and he really starts to kick ass when instead of constantly going into the falsetto like in the original, he stays low and it works beautifully. That part about fire reds turning blue is all belty and great and Kris' adam's apple looks derricious. Though I have to say, I think this song choice was dumb and very "school talent show"ish. But he did the best he could with it.

Randy toots his own horn about it being a good song choice. Kara thought it was "competent" but wishes that he didn't default to the piano and maybe instead chose to play his acoustic guitar. Paula also says that she wished he ran with his artistic license and then she mentions a bum note that didn't happen that she made up in her head so she could pretend to be critical. Simon then gets into a verbal fist fight with Kara saying that she picked the song so how dare she say he should of performed it differently. Now, I hate women, but I have to agree with Kara. Sure she picked the song for him to sing, but (and no offense to Kris) it's up to him to perform it in a memorable and effective way. Kara starts to freak and scream while Simon just rolls his eyez and acts like a prick. Paula tries to play the [drunken] peace-maker and Randy like eats a sandwich or something.

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Next is the queen of America, Adam Lamebert who of course had a song picked for him by Simon. He picked that boring song "One" by U2 that everyone loves, because it's U2 so everyone automatically feels obligated to like it. Simon says that Bono, King of the Taintz, gave Adam permission to use the song or something.

At the beginning, the performance is actually good, largely due to the fact that the lights are so fucked up that you can't make our Adam's grease streaks or non-style. But then his looks-like-they've-had-work-done cheeks pop through and I heave. For one second he looks a little like David Archuleta, which makes no sense and makes me feel guilty, like I had just said a pic of Tara Reid reminded me of JonBenét Ramsey...can't help but feel a little bad afterwards. The whole performance seemz boring and sluggish, but I already know that the judges will say it's moving and emotional and Paula will cry and everyone will cheer. Granted, he sounds the most vulnerable that he ever has so far on the show, but his trembling voice and eye makeup that's designed to make him look sensitive just really invalidates any real emotion that he may have to offer. Thankfully for all the artardz at home, he then starts that Godzilla tsunami screaming that people confuse to be entertaining. He gets his stance ready (arched back, eyez shut and mouth angled directly under mic like he's about to...well, you get it) and he screeches some impressive but irritating high notes. The audience shitz themselves and I roll my eyes at how numb I am to his BS and how every single performance of his is the same ole schtick but yet America atill barfz about how wonderful and engaging he is. Spare me the bullshit. The song ends and I don't know what happened. All I know is that now looking over my notes, I notice that I ended this segment with "ihatehimihatehimihatehimihatehimihatehim".

Randy gives Glitterbert what I believe to be the first criticism he has received so far on the show and says that it was a little off the melody. Kara calls him a strategist and then makes fun of Simon's accent for some reason, cuz yeah...that will work well in your favor. Bitch, haven't you read everything everywhere??? NO ONE LIKEZ YOU. Seriously...if I saw an article about Idol that WASN'T about how much the other judges hate you, then I'd be shocked. Why on Earth do you think people are gonna side with you when you go up against big boy Simon? Paula thought he was amazing blah blah painkillers. Simon kills Kara with his death stare and then sucks his own peepee for picking such a fantastic song for Adam to rape.

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Round 2 comez and I vomit because Gokerz is up singing a Gokerz song, "You Are So Beautiful" by Joe Cocker. He at first tries to pull a Lamebert and "Ring of Fire" the song and make it a little dark and mysterious, but it just endz up sounding shitty and unrehearsed and outta tune. Like it's volleying in between Mandy Moore pained whisper singing and Britney Spears live performance outta-tune singing.

For prox 4 seconds the performance doesn't suck completely; Gokerz hits a nice note and belts a bit and the stage lights are confusing and there are people on stools and orange clouds floating on the megatron screen and everything seems American Idol-perfect for a bit. But then the ending is piss poor and I realize I still am bored and forget that I am watching TV cuz I am distracted by a spiderweb I notice dangling from above my doorway.

Randy proclaims "I'm a dumbfuck idiot" by saying that he thinks that Gokerz can really, really, really sing. Kara thought it was better than the first performance cuz he didn't move, aka he only sounded like a jackass instead of also looking like one. Paula loves these cornhole songz and she starts spewing words like "gospel" and "chord structure" and she's drugged so no one listens but just clap when she stops barking. Simon then further distances himself from my heart by saying that he "loved" the song choice and thought it was a "vocal masterclass", which is a comment that should only be used on contestants that are actually talented, like when he tagged my season 5 boyfriend with it on his performance of "A Song For You". Ryan then asks Gokerz something stupid and he says something stupid back and then talks about his stupid heart while making stupid hand gestures and almost crying stupid tears from his stupid eyes. Stupid.

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Kris Allen is back to give me another erection. He will be singing "Heartless" by Kanye West and I am immediately terrified but undoubtedly intrigued. He is by himself at first with just his acoustic. Hmmm. And he opens his mouth and it's pure sweet whipped cream heaven to my earz. His voice is pure and a little rugged and it has that down-to-earth strumming on guitar hitchhiking into my heart kinda vibe. I feel like I am actually getting some emotion out of an Idol Season 8 performance, which is quite an achievement since the majority of the cholos this season have just been reinvented Carrie Under-Bots. It's touching and meaningful and has the uniting quality that large music festivals seem to have. It's like a John Mayer concert (only without the short shorts and assholeness) where everyone knows all the words to the songz and "yeah! we're all in this together" and shit. Of course he looks cute and his adorable lips make their gentle smirks and smiles and he gives the camera (aka me and only me) a million puppy eyez. He belts at the end and unlike Glam-Bot (loud and obnoxious) and Gokerz (out of tune and ugly) it's sweet and wonderful and perfect.

Randy makes me rethink the mail-bomb that I was planning to send to his house by saying that it was better than Kanye's version [I can hear Mr. West's ego erupting volcanic shit all over the place]. Kara reopens the drama from earlier in the night by saying "this is how you reinvent a song, Simon, you dumb fucking British bastard" [or something similar]. Paula claims that he is the bravest artist, which she has already said about the blind guy and Glam-Bot and a million other contestants this season. Simon throws more low blows at Randy and Kara for picking that Timbaland (feat. OneRepublic) song from earlier prompting the witch to snark something back that I don't hear. Simon claims that he had written Kris outta the competition after the first performance, but now retracts that statement and gives him the Cowell boost that he oh-so-needed.

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GlitterPuss will be singing "Cryin'" by Aerosmith. Why? Cuz he's the rAwKeR! DURH! He starts to suck [on] up to Steven Tyler and compliments his voice and blah blah. Go to hell. He starts the song low and sleazy and then proceeds into the snakey shapeshifting vocal acrobats that irritate me. Although I must admit that his flamboyance is calmed down this week, with him only frolicking occasionally to either side of the stage to shoot his demon spawn piercing notes into different sides of the audience. After screeching like dying animals he then belts a note that actually sounds decent. He turns azn and holds the note for 2.3 million years before stopping and soaking in the pompous glort from an easily-impressed audience/country/world.

Randy isn't smart and says it was one of the best performances ever on the show. UM! No?! Is it Kelly Clarkson's "Stuff Like That There", David Hernandez's "Papa Was a Rolling Stone", LaKisha Jones' "This Ain't a Love Song" or anything done by Jennifer Hudson or the aforementioned Mr. Yamin? No! It's not even semi-decent like David Cook's "Always Be My Baby", Katharine McWooHoo's "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree" or Under-Bot's "Alone". So chut up you dumb walrus and go release another complimation album that no one wants to hear. Kara can't believe he hit those notes...bitch, he be beating us TO. DEATH. WITH. THEM. all season. Paula thinks he will be around for years and years and God, I sure hope not. I can't stand to see his jizz-face another minute, but for yearz?! I might die. Simon takes more shetz on the other judges for some reason, and then he demands that America vote him through so he doesn't get Daughtry'ed and we're forced with another Taylor Hicks (aka Gokerz) winning and not selling any albums.

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Ok, so I just got my gringo behind home from work to discover that Danny Gokey, Douche of the Year, has finally been sent home. Tankx0b020gawd! However, let's not act like Kris Allen has a chance of competiting with the throngs of dumbasses that fill this dope-dump of a country and beating Glamberz. All I can hope for is what Enrico over at Hotel Tuesday texted me a few days ago about the finale: "He [Adam] should be assassinated at the finale...by Syesha, who should then automatically win the season. And instead of some bad 'winner song' she'll do 'One Rock n' Roll Too Many'." Truer words have yet to be spoken.


Alrighty...good night everyone and may your dreams be filled with beautiful fantasies involving Kris Allen's bod and may nary a nightmare starring Glam-Bot chasing you with a mascara brush enter your delicate slumberz.



4 comments:

Bill Trüb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Christina said...

i want you to autograph my chest... with your man juice.

that picture proves that you are the real photoshop (aka paint) master. you found the most disgusting picture of glitterballs. oh, that includes antonella.

and i agree, that would be a fucking amazing reality show. could you imagine? that would be like crack for us.

hoteltuesday said...

(Except for the Britney part) Brilliant!!!
P.S. - I copied and did an idol post too!

jennifer hudson said...

"Kris Allen is back to give me another erection."

I just laughed way too hard at that.