Sunday, May 3, 2009

Don't waste the pretty.

Ok, so I know that this is like the uber-chick book of all uber-vagina books, but I decided that after suffering through enjoying "The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test" and all its enormity and chaos, I thought it might be wise to read something a little more...err...less...drug-induced? Well I picked up "He's Just Not That Into You" by two former writers for Sex and the City (Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo). It's more like a dating guide that attempts to convince women not to deal with guys and their bullshit/selfishness/inability to feel anything ever/assholeness. The main mantra of the books is "You Can Do Better" and that men aren't going to play games. If he's not calling/talking/smiling/kissing then he very could just not be digging ya. The book then goes on through various scenarios (posed in the form of reader-submitted letters), with the authors basically tell these poor lost souls to drop the charade, analyze their lives and refuse the excuses that we men all the time create to excuse ourselves from our self-focused and dickish behaviors.

Now being a dude myself that also likes dudez, I have been both the guilty and the victim of these crimes of the heart. I understand the cowardly fear that goes with breaking someone's heart and the reason why excuses and such feel necessary, but I more so understand how effing terrible and depressing and world-shattering these behaviors can be. I know this will make all you clownz reading this vom on your computer screen, but this book came at a good time in my life when I needed that boost of confidence. Thingz may suck taint a lot of times in the world of love, but there is always a bright shining gumdrop unicorn horizon to look forward to and that I deserve only the goddamn best.

Now did the book fix all my problems? No. Did I feel withdrawn from some parts that absolutely didn't relate to me? Yes (see Chapter 10: He's Just Not That Into You If He's Married). But it did help me pick up my self-esteem which, in the past three months, had collapsed on the filthy bathroom floor of my mind in a drunken self-hating haze before passing out in its own ralph-juice (see: me on New Years Eve).

Oh! And also, I have no desire to see the film version of this book. For four reasons:

1. I don't necessarily understand how this self-help guide could be effectively turned into a plot-based rom-com.

2. The film's Wikipedia page makes it sound absolutely idiotic & generic:
"The plot chronicles the romantic misadventures of nine individuals in their twenties and thirties. Set in Baltimore, the common thread of the story is that one person in each relationship is more enamored with the other person than vice versa."

3. ScarJo makes me want to abuse precious woodland creatures.

4. I'm not that gay.

To end this entry, here are some of my favorite humorously evocative quotes:

"On the Human Interaction Stock Exchange, our words have lost all their value."

"'Busy' is another word for 'asshole.' 'Asshole' is another word for the guy you're dating."

"There's no mystery--he's gone and he wasn't good enough for you."

"I say move on, meet someone who enjoys the things you like, and have a long life filled with playful grab-ass."

"He should miss you. You're deeply missable."

"Don't confuse being classy with being a doormat. Classy is walking away with your head held high, graciously, and with dignity. Being a doormat is offering to drive him to the dentist for his root canal."


Christina said...

good thing youre not even considering teeing this movie. as you had anticipated: the self-help format of the book does not translate well to one long ass rom-com.

scar jo is annoying and they make her wear ugly pants to show off how huge her ta-tas are.

all of the women are pathetic in the movie and everyone ends up happy in the end.... aka the total opposite of what the book is trying to convey... i wasted MONEY on seeing that shit!

Anonymous said...

sooo i've seen the movie twice in theaters and i rather liked it. it is certainly not winning any oscars but you know, whatevs.