Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The WTFs Of My Music Library - Part I

I pride my goofy azz in my expansive music library. I feel that over the years I have collected an expansive and varied catalog of musical artists that transcends boundaries of genre, gender or era. I, of course, have the pop iconz of today (Christina Aguilera, P!nk, Kelly Clarkson, etc.) while still holding an appreciation for the classics of pop and rock (see Janis Joplin, Electric Light Orchestra, Pink Floyd, Queen). Modern day singer-songwriterz sooth the shiz outta my soul, with mainstays like Michelle Branch, Pete Yorn, Vanessa Carlton and William Tell. The genre of alternative rock is probably the largest percentile I own, boasting my high school year tastes with the likes of Matchbox Twenty, Incubus, No Doubt and the Goo Goo Dolls. I also tried to open myself up to the harder side of rock (thanks largely to my older sister's imprisoning influence) with Dredg, A Perfect Circle, Deftones and Tool. Hip-hop and R&B inhabit a smaller but very much appreciated corner on my musical hard drive with T.I., Missy Elliott and my dreamy milk choxxxolate bar Ludacris holding that shit down, while Mariah Carey, Rihanna and my goddess from above, Aaliyah bring the smooth sexy vocalz. Thanks to my emo/pop-punk phase in college, Fall Out Boy, Panic! At the Disco, Hellogoodbye, Jimmy Eat World and Motion City Soundtrack have all made their presences known, and the queer in me has also shown its rainbow colorz through the inclusion of Broadway shows like Hairspray, Dreamgirls, Godspell and Phantom of the Opera.

But WAIT! You must be wondering why I am going on and on about my musical library...what is the point of explaining myself, unprovoked, and my tastes? Well, I wanted a legit leg to stand on after I grace you with this following entry. Though I may have an abundance of music that I am proud to say I enjoy (see Radiohead, MGMT, Ratatat and Björk), I also have a goldshitmine of forgotten and unexplained treasures also littering my collection. I like to call these the What the Fuckz? of my musical library. The kinda song that a friend's jaw my drop at while they are browsing your collection. The kinda song that will make you instantly bust out laughing when it comez on random. The kinda song you are more than a little bit embarrassed about owning (and loving).

One-hit wonderz (Eiffel 65? Debelah Morgan? Willa Ford?), two-hit wonderz (Five For Fighting? City High? Souldecision?), non-hit wonderz failurez (Tonya Mitchell? Kina? Justincase?), late '90s/early '00s has-beenz (O-Town? Enrique Iglesias? Samantha Mumba?) and the just unexplainable (Paris Hilton? Tila Tequila? Tyra Banks?!) all crap up my beautiful C: Drive with their high levelz of suck.

But out of all of these WTFs, there are a select few that I feel I must analyze in full, just to further degrade me and my tastes. So here are the ten most WTF? songz that I own. Please don't hate me too much...and the songs are in the player at the bottom if you too would like to partake in all their wonder.

Hilary Duff - "What Dreams Are Made Of"

So every one's favorite pre-Hannah Montana Hannah Montana was played by a cheeky lump of Walt Disney sparkle turdz also known as Hilary Duff. Back in her Hollywood-fat days, she starred in this goofy ass show which had a goofy ass movie which had this dump of an overproduced pop clunker in it. The song is all about BeLiEvInG in the power of love and all that dopey shet. The song literally sounds like an overzealous producer creaming all over some dingy cutting room floor Britney Spears vocals. Drum machines explode all over the damn place while synths tear hell every which way. The whole while Hilary Lizzie's piss poor voice screeches like someone who isn't Susan Boyle singing "I Dreamed a Dream". Now, I never saw the Oscar-snubbed Lizzie McGuire Movie, but I know it probably has to do with being a n untalented flirty virgin skank who can't sing. How far as Duffaholic come from these sunshine lollipop dayz? Well, last film she was in she swan-dived a scorpion into her Duff-muff, so you tell me what happened.

B.O.N. - "Boys"

So back when I was a little gringo and I first started paying attention to the music video world, I remember watching The Box (still the greatest music television station ever), and constantly stumbling across this fuckery of a song/video. Basically two dudez, one that singz/rapz and one that does nothing, from Germany put together this oddly disturbing track of teen girlie gigglez and uncomfortably aggressive guitar chords and ominous orchestrated synths. However, listening to the song right now is doing very little for me; to really get the true experience of this pop masterpiece, you must also watch the epic video that features slutty Catholic girls, orgy bubble baths and awkward underarm hair. It's like Doubt only instead of child abuse and crying, there are lollipop-sucking hussies and synchronized dancing. Oh, and don't even try to tell me that the rap in the middle of the song doesn't bear a striking resemblance to Coolio's "Gangster's Paradise" video.

DJ Sammy & Yanou (feat. Do) - "Heaven (Candlelight Mix)"

There is literally NOTHING extraordinary or note-worthy about this track. It's not original, interesting or at all emotionally moving. It's just a vapid cover of a cheestastico song that we all slow-danced to during high school dances. But maybe it's this very thing that makes me feel so compelled to discuss it. Okay, so DJ Sammy is the dude that gets the majority of the credit for this track. Yanou is some person or thing or robot or whatever that is somehow involved with the track, but I don't care to Wiki him/her/it right now, so eff it. And Do (aka the worst performance moniker ever) is the C-rate singer they got to coo over the dance beats of the original [cover]. Makes sense to have the DJ tagged as the song's artist, considering how the first version of this actually features heavy DJ production. But since adolescent girls everywhere (who don't know this is a cover) ate this shiz up and requested it on 94.5 97.5 PST every millisecond of everyday, they decided to go the way of J.Lo and release remix after remix of it. The most popular though was this sappy trite piano only version queerly tagged the "Candlelight Mix" where that ho Do just sings like a screaming baby pig while DJ Sammy (& Yanou?) quietly count their dinero in the background. They be using Do like a pimp uses his hussy's cooch: get out there and be exploited so we can make money. Shake it! Bend over! Take it deep! Try to hit that glory note but then fall just a little flat!

Ok I think I've gone a little far, but you all must realize: the art of tagging songs and musical artists is an addiction of mine, speared on by reading Billboard magazine religiously through my childhood (when other normal boys were looking at sloppy puss-puss pix in Playboy (Do?! Is that YOU?!). I have long been befuddled by what I have just described and what I will now title "the Heaven Perplexity Affair" and I am more than gracious to you (my captive engaged audience) for sitting through this lecture. You are now dismissed.

more What the Fluckerz? songs will be coming soooooon...

1 comment:

val said...

"Hey noooooo-oooooow!" - girl who is clearly not Hilary Duff singing on that one line.

Also, I think you need to TM the Chaikin sisters for the term "Hollywood fat".

Also also, I STILL don't understand the "Boys" video, nor why in the video when the nun knocks on the door, the girl answers and says, "boys." MAKES. NO. SENSE.