Thursday, April 30, 2009

Oink, oink. You're dead.




So because my sister is an insensitive biatch just like her sexy (aka thin) baby brother, she sent me this wonderful card via mah emailz. What a devilish delight! Sure, Swine Flu is mad lamerskatez and killing people and it sucks muchas pelotas de perros feos, but I can't help but laugh @ the defamation of childhood endearments. I never liked Piglet anyway. And now the dumb twat is destroying the entire planet or something. All I know is that I'm getting secondz of my artery clogging bacon strips when I go out to brunch this weekend, just to teach those damn bitchez a lesson. Sure your disease can kill me, but fuck you, I'm eating your parents.

Oh, and Miss Piggy and Babe and that annoying sow from "Charlotte's Web" (ha, your spider friend is dead) can all go eat a sweaty plate of urine soaked Fergie spatch. Boo. Pigz suck. Anyone up for some guanciale?


PS. THIS PICTURE freaks the jizzjam out outta me. I feel like in prox two seconds I'm going to be murdered and raped. In that order. Once again, -3 points to pigs.




Fry those prosciutto pork-asses up!



Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The WTFs Of My Music Library - Part I


I pride my goofy azz in my expansive music library. I feel that over the years I have collected an expansive and varied catalog of musical artists that transcends boundaries of genre, gender or era. I, of course, have the pop iconz of today (Christina Aguilera, P!nk, Kelly Clarkson, etc.) while still holding an appreciation for the classics of pop and rock (see Janis Joplin, Electric Light Orchestra, Pink Floyd, Queen). Modern day singer-songwriterz sooth the shiz outta my soul, with mainstays like Michelle Branch, Pete Yorn, Vanessa Carlton and William Tell. The genre of alternative rock is probably the largest percentile I own, boasting my high school year tastes with the likes of Matchbox Twenty, Incubus, No Doubt and the Goo Goo Dolls. I also tried to open myself up to the harder side of rock (thanks largely to my older sister's imprisoning influence) with Dredg, A Perfect Circle, Deftones and Tool. Hip-hop and R&B inhabit a smaller but very much appreciated corner on my musical hard drive with T.I., Missy Elliott and my dreamy milk choxxxolate bar Ludacris holding that shit down, while Mariah Carey, Rihanna and my goddess from above, Aaliyah bring the smooth sexy vocalz. Thanks to my emo/pop-punk phase in college, Fall Out Boy, Panic! At the Disco, Hellogoodbye, Jimmy Eat World and Motion City Soundtrack have all made their presences known, and the queer in me has also shown its rainbow colorz through the inclusion of Broadway shows like Hairspray, Dreamgirls, Godspell and Phantom of the Opera.

But WAIT! You must be wondering why I am going on and on about my musical library...what is the point of explaining myself, unprovoked, and my tastes? Well, I wanted a legit leg to stand on after I grace you with this following entry. Though I may have an abundance of music that I am proud to say I enjoy (see Radiohead, MGMT, Ratatat and Björk), I also have a goldshitmine of forgotten and unexplained treasures also littering my collection. I like to call these the What the Fuckz? of my musical library. The kinda song that a friend's jaw my drop at while they are browsing your collection. The kinda song that will make you instantly bust out laughing when it comez on random. The kinda song you are more than a little bit embarrassed about owning (and loving).

One-hit wonderz (Eiffel 65? Debelah Morgan? Willa Ford?), two-hit wonderz (Five For Fighting? City High? Souldecision?), non-hit wonderz failurez (Tonya Mitchell? Kina? Justincase?), late '90s/early '00s has-beenz (O-Town? Enrique Iglesias? Samantha Mumba?) and the just unexplainable (Paris Hilton? Tila Tequila? Tyra Banks?!) all crap up my beautiful C: Drive with their high levelz of suck.

But out of all of these WTFs, there are a select few that I feel I must analyze in full, just to further degrade me and my tastes. So here are the ten most WTF? songz that I own. Please don't hate me too much...and the songs are in the player at the bottom if you too would like to partake in all their wonder.



Hilary Duff - "What Dreams Are Made Of"


So every one's favorite pre-Hannah Montana Hannah Montana was played by a cheeky lump of Walt Disney sparkle turdz also known as Hilary Duff. Back in her Hollywood-fat days, she starred in this goofy ass show which had a goofy ass movie which had this dump of an overproduced pop clunker in it. The song is all about BeLiEvInG in the power of love and all that dopey shet. The song literally sounds like an overzealous producer creaming all over some dingy cutting room floor Britney Spears vocals. Drum machines explode all over the damn place while synths tear hell every which way. The whole while Hilary Lizzie's piss poor voice screeches like someone who isn't Susan Boyle singing "I Dreamed a Dream". Now, I never saw the Oscar-snubbed Lizzie McGuire Movie, but I know it probably has to do with being a n untalented flirty virgin skank who can't sing. How far as Duffaholic come from these sunshine lollipop dayz? Well, last film she was in she swan-dived a scorpion into her Duff-muff, so you tell me what happened.


B.O.N. - "Boys"


So back when I was a little gringo and I first started paying attention to the music video world, I remember watching The Box (still the greatest music television station ever), and constantly stumbling across this fuckery of a song/video. Basically two dudez, one that singz/rapz and one that does nothing, from Germany put together this oddly disturbing track of teen girlie gigglez and uncomfortably aggressive guitar chords and ominous orchestrated synths. However, listening to the song right now is doing very little for me; to really get the true experience of this pop masterpiece, you must also watch the epic video that features slutty Catholic girls, orgy bubble baths and awkward underarm hair. It's like Doubt only instead of child abuse and crying, there are lollipop-sucking hussies and synchronized dancing. Oh, and don't even try to tell me that the rap in the middle of the song doesn't bear a striking resemblance to Coolio's "Gangster's Paradise" video.


DJ Sammy & Yanou (feat. Do) - "Heaven (Candlelight Mix)"


There is literally NOTHING extraordinary or note-worthy about this track. It's not original, interesting or at all emotionally moving. It's just a vapid cover of a cheestastico song that we all slow-danced to during high school dances. But maybe it's this very thing that makes me feel so compelled to discuss it. Okay, so DJ Sammy is the dude that gets the majority of the credit for this track. Yanou is some person or thing or robot or whatever that is somehow involved with the track, but I don't care to Wiki him/her/it right now, so eff it. And Do (aka the worst performance moniker ever) is the C-rate singer they got to coo over the dance beats of the original [cover]. Makes sense to have the DJ tagged as the song's artist, considering how the first version of this actually features heavy DJ production. But since adolescent girls everywhere (who don't know this is a cover) ate this shiz up and requested it on 94.5 97.5 PST every millisecond of everyday, they decided to go the way of J.Lo and release remix after remix of it. The most popular though was this sappy trite piano only version queerly tagged the "Candlelight Mix" where that ho Do just sings like a screaming baby pig while DJ Sammy (& Yanou?) quietly count their dinero in the background. They be using Do like a pimp uses his hussy's cooch: get out there and be exploited so we can make money. Shake it! Bend over! Take it deep! Try to hit that glory note but then fall just a little flat!

Ok I think I've gone a little far, but you all must realize: the art of tagging songs and musical artists is an addiction of mine, speared on by reading Billboard magazine religiously through my childhood (when other normal boys were looking at sloppy puss-puss pix in Playboy (Do?! Is that YOU?!). I have long been befuddled by what I have just described and what I will now title "the Heaven Perplexity Affair" and I am more than gracious to you (my captive engaged audience) for sitting through this lecture. You are now dismissed.




more What the Fluckerz? songs will be coming soooooon...


Monday, April 27, 2009

Josh Perry has a pleasant ring to it...

...and I am completely fine with that. I'd love to effing marry Katy Perry and would do so in a heartbeat. Ignore minor details like the fact that we've never met or that I'm not attracted to her genitalia...I want her BAD. Look how gorgeous she is with parasols, kiddie poolz and banana phones!!! Lovez her!




Bugger off Alexander! She's mine, you piece of shet!


Sunday, April 26, 2009

Great to be a part of the greatest jackoff in history.


I knew it was in us to be superheroes and that we could become superheroes or nothing.


GLORIOUS DAY! Everyone get off your skank-asses and celebrate. I finally finished Tom Wolfe's "The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test". I am most definitely a terrible graduated English major that does not deserve his B.A. due to the fact that it took my roughly three months to read this damn book. But the sun has shone and the birdz are singing their annoying chirping songz!

As mentioned earlier, I had a bipolar relationship with Mr. Wolfe's work of drug-induced nonfiction; initially enjoying its craziness, I began to get lost in its sporadic writing style, beginning to find it to become quite repetitious and tedious. However! After getting to the final third of the book, I once again found myself hooked into the piece and was able to finish it without any trouble...dare I say with excitement?

Ken Kesey and his Merry Pranksters seem like a fun bunch and I wouldn't mind to take a day-glo bus ride with them for a summer or so. But I feel like a lot of the book's content is so based in this alternately based mental frame, that it can be easy to get led off of its point and get frustrated with its chaos.

However, being a fan of nonfiction, I am most certainly glad that I read it and I am very happy to now have the time to seplunk my ass through the caverns of unread books that are growing dust in my room.

Here are some quotes that I picked up out "TEK-AAT" that I found particularly note-worthy:


"...the urge to write, to create, had burst up through all this thick lumpy All-American crap somehow..."


"There is no way to describe how beautiful this discovery is, to actually see the atmosphere you have lived in for years for this first time and to feel that it it is inside of you, too, flowing up from the heart, the torso, into the brain, an electric fountain."


"By this time everybody is off the bus rolling in the brown grass by the shoulder, laughing, giggling, yahooing, zonked to the skies on acid, because, mon, the woods are burning, the whole world is on fire..."


"The town was full of solemn, spent, irritable people shit-kicking thei way down the sidewalks. A shit kicker is a guy with a frown on and his eyes on the ground, sloughing forward with his shoes scuffing the pavement like he's kicking horseshit out of the way saying oh that this should happen to me."


"In short, zonked out of their ever-loving gourds, man, and heading out toward . . . Edge City. absolutely, and we're truly synched tonight."


"Always nice to hire some help to commit suicide."


"Dee couldn't exactly ask the tow-truck man, Well, now that you've towed it up here, how about jamming it into a tree for me."


"...all sortsa jungle shit; itching crawling alive like a chigger-ridden groin; all manner exotic vermin; sting inflame chigger-blister mosquito heaven, with scorpion for good measure coming up outta the dung just like lobsters as the crab louse is to the crab."


"...and it is either maker this thing permanent inside of you or forever just climb draggled up into the conning tower every time for one short glimpse of the horizon."




Tuesday, April 21, 2009

You think you're hot shit, but you're really just cold diarrhea.

Just came back from the casa de mis padres. I watched Milk with my mom and for the love of Jeebuz...I really should not be allowed to watch it. All of the hot Sean Penn & James Franco kisses and flirtz in the world couldn't make the movie any less devastating by the end. I think it's the somber ending of the film and the whole broken-hearted gay thing that has thrown my mind into emotional overload. I had already seen the film once, but second time around is even more draining.

In other movie news, I was on Netflix overload this weekend. I watched three films directed by Todd Solondz, starting with Happiness. Considering the title of the film and how the plot revolves around such cheery topics as murder, suicide, pedophilia, rape, dismemberment and disturbed ejaculation, the movie was a mother effing roller coaster. And since I'm a twisted son of a skank, I LOVEZ IT!

Well I then researched other films by this dude and found the supposed cult-classic that apparently everyone has seen already, Welcome to the Dollhouse. Twas also quite subtlely disturbed and I had an instant connection to the lead character. I dunno...there is something about disgruntled and unflinchingly apathetic teen girls [see Dawn, Daria and that weird bitch from Ghost World] that I am instantly drawn to. Maybe it's their majorly malfunctioning attitudes, their social ineptitude, dry wit...or maybe I'm just a pervert. It's probably the latter.

I then watched the sequel, Palindromes that I really liked as well, though it was fucking bizarre and much more sporadically chaotic and jumpy than the first film. I for supa serial necesito watch more movies directed by this guy. They all seem mad cracked, but he for totez is completely unapologetic...like, you either like the films or you don't, and that's that. He isn't trying to please everyone and I think it takes a lot of guts to be that fearless, especially when creating something as dedicated as a full-length feature film.

Well...this entry has no point that I can remember. I think I started writing this for some reason, but now I forgot. So deal.


[ps, I promz that I will escribir in this blog more often. I know I've become a lazy little gringo.]

[pps, you can watch all of Welcome to the Dollhouse on YouTube apparently! Do it and then tell me that I'm right and that it is awesome.]


Friday, April 17, 2009

I hope I hold a special place with the rest of them.

Back when I was a little turd-festival during the spring of 2000, I remember receiving No Doubt's fantastic though grossly overlooked album Return of Saturn for E-Stir [yeah, my family exchanged CDs for the bunny holiday]. The whole disc is fabz but I remember being particularly attached to the raw emotion and blatant irritation of the brilliant single "Ex-Girlfriend". Now, since this was when I was a little pre-sexed awkward tween, I didn't necessarily understand the full angst of what Ms. Stefani was singing about, but now being a much older, wiser, sexed-over and jaded gentleman, I have a newly found appreciation for it.


And the video is EPIC. Gwen looks like a cyberpunk robot-alien hybrid rocking a gross pink weave. Tony Kanal is hot with his bass, I'mafuckyou eyez & 10-inch penis. The drummer looks like a hairless version of that Muppet drummer Animal. Gwen makes some pretty deformed faces thoughout the whole ordeal [see above] and throws both her ex and herself out of a bathroom window on the 205th floor of some building [something I've wanted to do many times before]. There's also some fighting, crazy lighting, concert shots and a fake mustache. Lovez it!





We keep repeating mistakes for souvenirs
and we've been in between these days for years.
And I know that when I see you, I'm going to die.
I know I'm going to want you and you know why.
It's going to kill me to see you with the next girl boy,
'cuz I'm the most gorgeously jealous kind of ex-girl ex-boy.
But I should have thought of that before we kissed.



Wednesday, April 15, 2009

A CRY FOR HELP!

My hair. It's begun to take over my life. I've tried to stop, but my obsession with it is really starting to influence my other relationships. Things were going great for awhile. We got along fine and generally loved being around each other. We gave each other gifts like that time it gave me a handsome yet elegant windswept look with little to no gel, to which I in turn gave it a deep cleansing massage with a tropical mango shampoo and accompanying conditioner.

But things have hit a rough patch. We've been fighting a lot. He's just not cooperating with me anymore and I am at my witz end. I've even had to bring in the hair dryer as mediator between us. It does little good though. Hair keeps parting in the wrong spots, coming down too much in the front and not staying in place, no matter how much crystal wax glue mouse spray gel I cover it in.

I've begun to rock a look that I like to call The Nest, and while I love its messy roughness, I am beginning to want a new hairstyle. I don't want to end things with Hair...I mean I still am in love with him, but I think a change is needed to reinvigorate our relationship.

Please, my much-loved blogger audience...if you see any hairstyles that you think would make me look hot enough to be on American Idol, please post the link.

K, lovez yaz. Byerskatez.

- Joshercopterz



Tuesday, April 14, 2009

¡No me gusta!

I'm not a terribly angry individual. Generally, I have a rather decent life filled with joy and love and all that other queer shit. But being happy doesn't mean that I can't be easily annoyed. Which is good, cuz there are some thingz in the world that piss me off to no end and being in a particularly loathsome mood this evening, I thought I would share with you [my beautiful blogging audience], some of my least fav things in the world.


Nurses that smoke - I don't get it. Why is it that on the stoop of every doctor's office and hospital there is always a crowd of frowny-face frumptastic ladies smoking da cigz? Like, I get that your job is mad stresserz and such, but didn't you go through countless training classes that taught you about the dangers of smoking and the cancer epidemic? And okay, if you want to go against everything you supposedly are trying to help people with, that's fine...but can you not be blowing your cancer cloudz into my lungs by standing right by the entrance to the clinic? Thanks tar-gumz.


Zits - Stop bursting onto my face at sporadic moments and littering my life with acne soaps that do nothing and self-esteem issuez that sting almost as much as poppin' one of those bastardz!


American Idol season 8 - To say that this season is a "let down" would be a terrible understatement. With my Goddess of [out of key but awesome tone] Singing, Megan Joy, being no longer on the show, I am left with just a bunch of goonz. But there is no goon that is goonier than that worthless disgusting bitch Adam Lambert. Last week he sang that Tears for Fears' song that Gary Jules covered for Donnie Darko. It's that "dreams where I'm dying are the best I ever had" song that every misunderstood dopey teenage girl in the emo/self-loathing world scribblez on their 10th grade notebook. Bitch, wearing over-sized hoodies, Jack Skellington skull caps and black & white horizontal striped socks while quoting that damn song in your AIM profile doesn't make you interesting or deep or anything more than vapid and boring. But I digress, what makes this whole Adam Glambot thing even worse is how everyone in America is on their knees for this pompous little self-indulgent glitter-ass. I start to think that I am the only one that realizes how disgusting and obnoxious this bastard is...well, except for my friend Xtina who had this to say about him (and his performance last week):
I really dislike him.
He's such a pretentious asshole
and that performance was not THAT good!
It's that SONG that's so beautiful and haunting not his stupid voice
and people fucking cream for that song all the time, anyway.
Assholes.


Limp Bizkit - Yes. I had Papa Roach's Infest. And yes, I also owned a copy of the Offspring's Americana. Aw hell, for awhile I was even on the Nickelback bandwagon. I think it was impossible to be a teenage boy during the early 2ooo's and not own the aforementioned "music." However, I must say that I still find my heart swell with great self-pride when I think of the fact that I never once ever considered to listen to Limp Bizkit. Fred Durst could very well be one of the worst songwriterz on the planet, and thee fact that they sold millionz of copies of their shitty albums makes my head spin. And no, Guy I Work With @ the Restaurant, that one George Michael song they covered was not "decent". It was lame and just as poorly done and juvenile as the rest of their horrendous catalogue.


Older unattractive women who wear Playboy shirts - This atrocity against life was brought to my attention by my sister via text today. Ew. I just ate/don't want to vomz. Get your dribbling stomach and droopy arm problem under control. You're not sexy just cuz you wear that slutdog millionaire logo across your saggy chesticlez.


Ungrateful rich kids - These gringos were actually the inspiration for this very entry. Now, I am not faulting anyone for growing up with cash-moneyz. I know many people who have well-to-do parents who help them financially and who are wonderful people. It's not the green stuff that I have a problem with. It's the lack of appreciation for being privileged enough to have $$$ that really gets my goat. Here are the two instances that caused me to start stirring the pot of ticking annoyance:

1. I was working at the restaurant last week and had this couple who brought their prolly 14-16 year-old daughter in with them. From the second they sit down, the teen slut is frowning. She has her [way-too-expensive-for-her-own-good] purse sitting open in her lap, with her iPhone flashing colors and shit while she texts during the entire dinner. Her mother gently tries to persuade her to, oh I dunno, look at the menu for five seconds to pick out a salad that she's not going to eat more than three bites of, but no...she needs to tell Regina George about how Mandy Simmonz was wearing this while she did that and blah blah teenage gossip blah. Her parents, though sweet and decent tipperz (20% holla!), had literally not a single backbone vertebrae between the two of them. Thus, that little tramp was able to sit throughout the entire dinner, ignoring her parents, me and the expensive food her loving family bought for her, so she could text Gretchen Weiners about army pants & flip-flops.

2. While on my lunch break in Nueva York yesterday, I went to this little deli on my block and got a derricious sammich and proceeded to sit my ass in a seat and read/eat. Well, this guy and girl walk in and sit right behind me. For the remainder of my dining experience (roughly ten minutes), all I heard was the complaining chatter of these two students bitching about how much they hate their college and how they can't wait to graduate in three yearz, cuz they just cAn'T StAnD where they go to school. Well, what really cheezed me off was when the girl says something along the linez of "Good thing my parents are paying for this. If I had to, I would be so angry." You know, a lot of people's parents pay for their college education. I personally was not lucky enough to, though I'm glad I am taking care of all that financial shit on my own. But to hear stupid alcoholic studentz bitch about their education while doing nothing about it, I just want to scream. If you hate your situation so much, then why are you wasting your parents' fucking money on an education that you feel isn't worthwhile. Then they started talking about how they skipped their classes cuz of being hungover from all the partying that weekend and I just had to stop listening. I mean, I'm all for having a great time and getting drunk...but you're in school for a reason. Your mom and dad aren't paying 50 grand + so you can drink and not go to school. Then you're gonna have the audacity to complain about your education?! Spoiled fucking bratz need to have a reality check...and soon!


Prudez - Just give it up, hooch.


Fast and the Furious movies - Lyke for supa serialz. I don't know what upsetz me more; the fact that these movies still keep getting made while other amazing films aren't even able to make it to wide release because they don't feat. car crashez & [fake] boobz, or the fact that there still seems to be an audience for this garbage. Like seriously...car chases, sex and Ludacris, all three are awesome, but they don't necessarily spell "box office gold". But they are reaching some sort of macho male viewing audience that keeps vomiting their hard-earned money into this movie and its 39 sequels.


The words "meal," "yummy," and "belly" - No, I don't know why they bother me so much. Yes, I know they can easily be linked into one sentence. You're not clever. Dick.


People who think they're too good for pop music - Shut up. Just because you know the names of like a bajillion Indie bandz that no one else has ever heard of and just because you own vinyl records and shit doesn't make you Mr. Cool Kid In Town. That role is already filled by me. Stop thinking that your musical tastes are so above everyone else's, because if anything, your secular and completely general biases towards anything with any slight mainstream appeal only proves the opposite of what you think you stand for: you actually don't know shit about music and hide your insecurities about your childhood and life behind a guise of an unapproachable prick. To quote my friend Val who was once faced with some annoying dude who was talking about being a pompous Indie freak: "Shut up! Listen to Samantha Mumba." Val winz +2 points.


People who are scared to listen to anything other than pop music - I know. The music world is a scary place. There are a lot of bands out there. Some of them are loud. Some may be slightly scary [cough cough Tool]. Some might be very scary [cough cough Gwar]. But try to turn off the radio and listen to something else. Any radio station that boasts "Real Music Variety" is filled with delusional taint-cheese. Though technology is wonderful and the fact that music can now be downloaded instantly from Amazon.com is absolutely revolutionizing the way we get our music, I think that the accessibility of music may actually be hurting the art of it all. Dumb teen girls with no sense of musical intelligence hear a song on the radio. Instead of going out and buying the CD and learning to appreciate all the work that goes into making an entire cohesive album, they will go home, buy that one song and be done with it. There is a lack of exploration taking place in recent yearz and I can only hope that someday these poor lost souls with find their way out of the formulaic pop music field.


Obese people with fast food- Yeah. That's a good idea. And I'm sure that 4th chin is also from your thyroid problem. Not because you're a lazy slothful bitch that eats McDonalds all day. Moooooooooooooo!



Sunday, April 12, 2009

E-Stir Bits

It's Easter. Blah. Something happened today involving God or something. I dunno. Bunniez? Chocolate? Eggs? I dunno. It's a clinically artarded holiday. And since I am doing nothing to celebrate, except serve people their Easter dinnerz tonight at the restaurant, I thought I'd post a few going-onz in my vida.

- I am [to myself] infamous for constantly making mixes. And while I went through the ThEmE MiX phase, I generally make mixes for one of two reasons: a) to impose my musical tastes on other people by giving them mixes and checking up on them everyday following to see which tracks they love, or b) I need new music to listen to in my car. Well, I have just crafted my That's What Josh Calls Music!: Spring '09 and I have added it as a playlist at the bottom of this entry, if anyone is interesting in taking a listen (or 2!).


- Hermanita & Baberz are still the cutest things in the entire world ever. Need evidence?

Not only are they both incredibly beautiful and wonderfully affectionate gatos, but they are also quite ambitious. Why, just now when I was typing, little Baberz hopped up onto the laptop and started blogging! He wants to be an Internet-savvy webwriter just like his Pop-Pop! Here is what he wrote: "zni9g]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]" -- I think it translates to either "I'm perfect and adorable" or "I like P!nk". I'm not sure which though.

But on a serial note, if you notice, Mowgli is not present in this family photo. It seems like there has been some drama at the Kitten-Cat homestead. I believe that Mowgli is getting jealorz of the presence of another male cat in the house and he's been quite foul lately. I deduce that he has made aims at assaulting Baberz. I know, what a douche?! Anyway, Mommy Hermerz is obviously not too happy about it...so now whenever Mr. Mowlgez walks within one room of either of them, Hermanita jumps up and viciously attacks him. And though I am writing about this in my normal goofy and mizpelled fashion, the fighting between the two cats is getting to be quite terrifying. Like screeching and growling terrifying. Like tearing ass around the entire house terrifying. Like finding torn scraps of fur all over the place terrifying. I hope they can work out their issuez...if not, we always have Maury. They better fix this broken home before Baberz follows in Lindsay Blohan's steps and stars in dumb moviez before recording two terrible albums, hooking up with (other male) cats and doing coke with Paris Hilton. That life might be okay for a ginger bitch like Slowhan, but it's no life for my beautiful Baberz!


- While at a bar in Nueva York Thursday night, I began to realize that my favorite drunker activity (aside from speaking Spanish [poorly] and singing "Poker Face", both of which I also did that night), is talking to random girls about pop music. I must have approached five separate strangers throughout the night and started discussing the actrocity that is the Pussycat Dolls' cover of "Jai Ho" and the heartbreak that was Megan Joy's ousting from American Idol. One wonderful girl in particular I loved especially. She and I had a quite detailed conversation about how wonderful P!nk's Funhouse, Kelly Clarkson's All I Ever Wanted & Katy Perry's One of the Boys all are! They happen to be my three favorite female pop vocalist albums of the moment! It was wonderful and we agreed that they are better than everything ever. For the rest of the night I would grab her arm if I walked by and call her by completely wrong names due to my forgetting of what it actually was.


- No amount of L'Oreal Paris Studio Unkempt Out Of Bed Weightless Texturizer or VO5 Extreme Style 24HR Reworkable Hold Putty can make my hair look as messily attractive as simply showering and going to sleep with my hair wet does.


- I saw The Squid and the Whale yesterday. For some reason I know at least 4 people that own it on DVD who said they found it on sale and bought it and either a) hadn't watch it yet, or b) watched it and forgot everything about it. Well, this constant badgering finally prompted me to get it on Netflix and I am so glad I did! Though sad and quite heart-breaking in some moments, it seem to be fashioned as a very dark comedy about a couple's divorce and how it effects their two children. The film was wonderfully acted, has a metaphorical title, makes fun of pompous literary snobz and stars Laura Linney who I inexplicably have a huge crush on.

Go see it, you cholos!

- Under the suggestion of like eight people, I have finally listened to "Paper Bag" by Fiona Apple, and wowza. Some of the most angrily earnest and honest lyrics I've heard in a while. The song itself is well-constructed, cuz duh, Mis Apple is uber-talented, but the lyrics are just a heavenly slice of confessional poetry straight outta the Sexton/Ginsberg/Plath era. Just read this gem of an exert:
Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad.
Oh it kills cuz I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up.
I got to fold cuz these hands are too shaky to hold.
Hunger hurts but starving works, when it costs too much to love.


- Oh, and speaking of the dearly missed Anne Sexton, I have tried, but I just cannot find any song/movie/poem/book that contains writing that moves me as much as the first stanza to her poem "The Truth the Dead Know". I can't help but become a pool of wet hysterics every time I read it. Poetry gets +1 point!


- I put together a potato and onion soup that is currently starting cook in my beautiful burfday slow-cooker. It's going to kick everyone's ass. Or taste bad. Whatevz...I'll eat it regardless.


That's it for now, my Internet Buddiez! Tanx 4 Reading My Shiz!
PS. I LOVEz all the comments you peepz are leaving!




Now That's What Josh Calls Music!: Spring '09

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Kittenz Incorporated!

So as mentioned in a previous entry, my irresponsible catz ended up getting themselves filled with baby. It wasn't even three days after that post that my beautiful Hermanita was found tucked away in an upstairs closet, in a laundry basket, with a cute squeaking little baby crawling about. After going blind and thinking about dying over how cute it all was, I finally went off to my room where I would eventually pass out. Waking up like two hours later, I remembered that I still needed to brush my teeth (oh chut up! I used to want to be a dentist). Walking to the bathroom, I peaked in on my brand new mommy cat to realize that there are actually two small bundles of love awaiting me and my overly affectionate arms.

However...the second cat was most definitely a runt. Over the next two days I watched as the first kitten became more and more active, whereas the other little kitten became less and less mobile. To my utter dismay, the poor little sickly kitten passed away after two days, leaving mommy Hermanita with one beautiful little baby to look after. It was sad, but nature takes its course and its better that it move on now before getting older and having problems later on.

Well, here is the beginning of the Hermanita-Mowgli family photo album:



Hermanita showing off her baby bump [and blinging necklace].



Daddy Mowgli dutifully sitting nearby as his wife baby mama pushes out some pregnancy pudding.



The first picture of little Baberz [it's temporary nombre while Shawn & I discuss a legit name]!



And then there were TWO! Looks like his daddy.



Mommy giving Kitten-Tot a bath while Baberz mugs it up for the camera.



The proud parents share a post-vaginal explosion snuggle!



Baberz opens up his eyes two weeks later! It was so cute, I puked.



So small. So gentle.



And not only are there pics, but I made sure to take some video as well. Prepare the noose...you will want to kill yourself after seeing these:








R.I.P.

[this entry is dedicated to Kitten-Tot]



Sunday, April 5, 2009

Pork Chop Sandwichez!

I'm sure that anyone that would be reading a blog such as mine would have already come across the genius G.I. Joe Public Service Announcement parodies that have made YouTube an even more heavenly place. But after a night of drinking last week followed by nursing a hangover through the hilarity of the videoz, I thought I'd post some of my favez. LOVEZ IT...maybe a little too much.


PS. they make no sense.

PPS. that's why they rule your bitch-ass.




Give him the stick. Don't give the stick!





I want someone to take me to the hospital.





We should totally hit it again.





We had a good conversation.





Skoot diddly bop-bop!





Susie! Don't forget your sandwiches that I made you.





You're not my friend.





My God, did that smell good!



[and my personal favorite...]




Mr. Body Massage Machine go!




Friday, April 3, 2009

Stuffz To Checker Outerz.

I love to read. Duh. Being an English major and all, I think it comes with the territory. Not only do I love straining my eyes to the point of reddened tears to try and finish just. one. last. page. before I pass out each night, but I also find it very hot when guys like to read as well. So far this year I have read two books and am ashamed that the number is not higher. However, I think that the my main hangup is the book that I am currently reading; "The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test" by Tom Wolfe is was an intriguing read. I started it right when I finished some Hunter S. Thompson, so I was on this kick of drug-induced nonfiction, but about halfway through it I started to feel like I had enough.

The book is well-written and informative. It's hilarious in some parts and quite inspiring in others, but after a couple hundred pages, it is starting to feel quite drawn out. Maybe since I'm not a drug-addicted floozy (aka Amy Winehouse) I don't necessarily appreciate the full extent of the references or the rambling passages, but I'm pretty much dunzo. However, after abandoning "Sweeney Todd" last year, I refuse to give up on a book ever again. So it is my goal to finish the last 100+ pages before the week is out. But since it is taking me 13 bajillion yearz to finish it, I have a huge pile of tempting reads beckoning me.

Side note, I have this supa awesome English major best friend from college, Alyson. Well she and I have bonded over the fact that we write the best literary analyst essays in the entire world and that we generally are the coolest most attractive people ever...

[HERE is a candid photograph of us winning the award for best person[z] in the world (with P!nk of course). Look at all those dumb losers around us that aren't (and will never be) as stellar of individuals as us]

...Well my dear beauty-of-nature friend sent me three books in the mail last week, thus making me realize how behind I am on my reading and how Mt. Everest-like my pile of unread books is becoming.


Here are the books that I have to read:

"The Anthologist" - Nicholson Baker
"Barrel Fever" - David Sedaris
"The Bell Jar" - Sylvia Plath
"Brave New World" - Aldous Huxley
"Cat's Cradle" - Kurt Vonnegut
"The Celestine Prophecy" - James Redfield
"Dress Your Family In Corduroy and Denim" - David Sedaris
"He's Just Not That Into You" - Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo
"Into the Wild" - Jon Krakaur
"Me Talk Pretty One Day" - David Sedaris
"No Country For Old Men" - Cormac McCarthy
"Ordinary People" - Judith Guest
"Q&A" - Vika Swarup
"Rant" - Chuck Palahniuk
"Son Of a Witch" - Gregory Maguire
"Stranger Than Fiction" - Chuck Palahniuk
"War Of the Worlds" - H.G. Wells


Any opinions of which I should start next?



Oh! And since working in Nueva York, I've started listening to my Last.FM radio all the time. Well, when I am feeling less critical, sometimes I put on the "Recomendations" radio the website supplies and I have come across several artists that I most definitely want to look into more:

A Fine Frenzy
Bat For Lashes
Bonobo
Cut Copy
Days Away
The Hush Sound
Lovedrug
Lydia
Thee Silver Mt. Zion Memorial Orchestra & Tra-La-La Band
Umbrellas
Yeah Yeah Yeahs


Anyone listen to any of these / suggest I check out any in particular / want to give me their CDs?!



Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Top 9 - ITunes Top 100 Night

So I thought that this week I'd share selections of a GChat that my good friend Xtina & I had while watching American Idol. We're abrasive and crude, so deal with it. Or don't deal with it. No skin off of my taint.


Anoop Desai
- "Caught Up" by Usher

Xtina:
what by usher?
Me: "call me"? or some shit. isn't usher dead? aka not kanye west so no one cares.
Xtina: its almost painful how nerdy he is.
Me: why does he think he is sexy? i like the atomic explosions on the video screen.
Xtina: yea those explosions are making me hard.


Megan Joy - "Turn Your Lights Down Low" by Bob Marley / Lauryn Hill

Me: this could be awesome if it doesn't suck.
Xtina: i cant decide what i want her to sing.
Me: "rehab". i love her brassy wavering! the judges are gonna hate this.
Xtina: honestly, i like her, but i dont like her singing this song.
Me: i dont think she is singing a melody...like at all. she's nelly fartretardo meets amy winehouse.


"Dead Wife" Gokey - "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts Cascada

Xtina: YOU CAN PICK ANY SONG!
Me: shut up gokerz.
Xtina: awkward necklaces?
Me: outta tune! not on the beat.
Xtina: didnt he miss a line?
Me probably.
Xtina: fucked up karaoke knock off!
Me: he has a thick neck.
Xtina: yea he does, i feel like he used to be thinner.
Me: aka a better person.


Stupid Punk Girl - "Don't Speak" by No Doubt

Me:
i hate this girl.
Xtina: you arent gwen stefani. her haircut makes her head look huge.
Me: "don't speak" is everyone's favorite song. troll doll explosion.
Xtina: seriously...
Me: i dont care if she is semi talented - she sounds congested and looks pregnant.
Xtina: shes trying too hard.
Me: thats it for the guitar. she played two notes over and over and gave up.
Xtina: thats the best accessory.
Me: aside from an annoying personality
Xtina: you know who she looks like? the baby from Dinosaurs.


Scott MacIntyre - "Just the Way You Are" - Billy Joel

Me: scott's blind. this is gonna be boring and irritating. just him and the piano duh.
Xtina: aw that was a nice note.
Me: whatever.
Xtina: him and i have a lot in common, angelic voices and the inability to see.
Me: the hair is so bad and is inviting mean jokes about him and not being able to see.
Xtina: his... im assuming sister.. blind also?


Matt Giraud - "You Found Me" - The Fray

Me: xtina creamz. why is he performing singing inside a pool of pubescent girls?
Xtina: i LIKE HIIIIMM!
Me: he looked like he was taking a shit.


Lil Rounds - "I Surrender" - Celine Dion

Me:
i hate this song. kelly clarkson sang it.
Xtina: umm too high for her?
Me: why not single ladies. what would have been so much fun! um...hello ass and ugly bangz. her voice is gonna snap soon.
Xtina: i know its so so close.
Me: this is like a jennifer hudson dreamgirl moment.
Xtina: they gave her a 50 year old white womans hair.
Me: the camera is like tornado city around her.


Adam Lambert - who cares? I hate him.

Me: I FUCKIN HATE THIS GUY. he is such an annoying queen.
Xtina: hate hate HATE.
Me: omg. go die. i hate you. nick jonas?
Xtina: i guess they want him to be like this seasons blake? with elvis hair?
Me: and the high notes are annoying. he seems so trashy and gross.
Xtina: so annoying. hes such a piece of shit.
Me: nice range...but you're still a fucking douche.


Kris Allen - "Ain't No Sunshine" - Bill Withers

Me: hot boyfriend is on!
Xtina: my pants fucking exploded i think hes insane sexy. go away stupid wife.
Me: i want to lick his frosted hair tips. he makes such sexy singing faces...
Xtina: yea he does.
Me: ...and unlike mr. glitterhole from 5 minutes ago, he doesnt have to try.
Me: you know he looks hot sans shirt.
Xtina: um totally. that would be a wardrobe improvement.
Me: hear the thunder? that's god masturbating.
Xtina: OMG HES SO HOT DKJ;JDFJKDFHJJHGF. holy shit i want to rape him.



But much to my dismay. My beautiful future wife Megan Joy was voted off this evening. I hate the world and America and not Megan. The blind dude and Gokerz and GlitterHole need to be fucking axed already. And so does Ugly Hot Topic Rawker chick. And Nooperz is dumb too. Ug...it's up to you Lil Deluxe and Kris Hot Biscuit to save this season from the shit of these other donkey showz.



LOVEZ HER FOREVERZ!