Monday, March 30, 2009

My Coach Bus Love

Dear Girl at Gate 419,

I haven't seen you for quite sometime. I loved our rendezvous every late Monday and Tuesday afternoon on the fourth floor of the New York City Port Authority bus terminal. I miss our flailing attempts at racing to get the 5:35 bus (we never did make it), our shared looks of dismay as it pulled away and our resulting irritated conversation over how it left just a minute early and how the bus driver was a prick. Though it never did and he is actually quite nice.

There are times, like today, where I wish I had you there to complain with me about the delayed schedule. I wish you were there with me the day the bus broke down halfway home and I had to stand for half an hour on another bus whose seats were filled with passengers.

I will always remember our side-eyed glances and acknowledging smiles when we would be separated by the length of an eager line of commuters; you always at the front and I always at the very end. I will always cherish you're constant questioning over the benefits of getting a monthly bus pass verses the ten-trip ticket books and how I told you I didn't know. But you always asked me every time and I always shrugged my shoulders in indifference.

You played hard to get, never sitting in the same aisle as me, but always diagonally one row in front or behind me. Flirting I assumed, but my immaturely boyish wayz always seemed to get in the way of making a move. Remember that time I honked my horn at you as I was pulling out of the Kendall Park Roller Rink parking lot? I do. You were startled, but laughed when you saw it was me. And you waved.

I hope you are doing well and hope even more that I see you again sometime soon. I never caught your name, but it doesn't matter. You will always be my 419 Girl. Love you alwayz.

- your 419 boyfriend

I will wait for you, always.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Friend me! Poke me! Anyway you want me!

I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. I feel that it has its benefits, but that the beneficial aspects are coated in a thick layer of vanity and obsessiveness. I believe that Facebook has become a tool for which we can promote ourselves...almost like our own self-created publicity team. I feel that it caterz to each of our own secret desires to be well-known or acknowledged. Now, I will be the first to admit to this vanity; anyone that knows me can tell you, I want to be famous more than nearly anything. I constantly daydream about being on American Idol [see picture at bottom], having my own book deal and winning the Best Supporting Actor Oscar for a movie based on a screenplay that I wrote. Oh, and I star with Robert Downey, Jr. in the movie and there's a homo-love scene between us that probably definitely is the hottest thing ever. But back to what I was saying. Facebook is our celebrity machine. We are our own stalkarazzi and I think that my generation in particular longz for a certain level of fame to whore ourselves out to

And while this self-obsession may be naturally unavoidable to a certain extent, the incorporation of the world wide webberz really just perpetuates our desire to be interested in ourselves, and all the mundane shit we do and assume that everyone else is as well. I admit to my vanity and have come to selfish terms with it. But there most definitely have been times when I've wanted to put an end to this committed relationship with Facebook. Like, it was going well for a few years...we had very good times and I supported it throughout all the changes it went through...when it felt like it had to reinvent itself to be popular (baby, I love you just the way you are!). Sure, we got into fights when a note wouldn't get uploaded or when my wall posts wouldn't properly fasten themselves to my friend's pages, but when all was said and done, LOVE is what kept us together. I love my vanity and my overly inflated daydreamz of a future that will most likely never happen, but now thingz are starting to change.

Facebook has begun to give me too much. It's so needy (GAWD! It calls lyke thirteen timez a day!) and is letting me in on things I really shouldn't be knowing. Yes, I want to pimp myself out so all my high school classmates can see how awesome and non-ugo I've gotten since graduating 5 years ago, but do I really want to see all of this from other people? Not really. It's a catch-22 kinda...We are given the opportunity to promote ourselves, but does anyone even care or are they too busy updating their own shit?

Wow, if I was still in college/had a course this applied to/had a laptop that wasn't about to run outta juice, I would totez start writing a paper analyzing this complex relationship, but I don't. So frak it!

Here's all of us Idolz at some dumb orgy somewhere: (from left to right) Ruben Sandwich, God, Zion's Mom, Jowly McGhee, The Under-bot, a douchebag, Jordin SparXXX ([not] feat. Chris Brown)

Monday, March 23, 2009

Commuter Observationz

This entry was inspired by a blog that my friend Xtina showed me. Written by some dude named Christoph Niemann, this entry I found to be quite intriguing, considering my recent job in New York and my three day a week trek through the hellz of a 2½ hour car-bus-foot-subway transportation nightmare. I thought that I would share some of the perplexingly perplexed situations that I have found myself caught in during my three months of working in the city so far.

- My bus driver is the female version of Jekyll & Hyde. When she pullz up to the bus stop and I'm able to get on - there have been several instances where she has seen me get out of my car and go sprinting to the bus, yet still she drives away, forcing me to wait another half hour - she snarls at me and gnashes her teeth like some sort of robot dog. No morning greeting. No smile. Hell...not even eye contact. I wanna be all like "fUcK u BiTCh! I force a smile and a good morning to you every fucking time I get on this dump-ass bus. Is it so hard to just say "herro" back, or are you too busy counting your crushed dreams and failed life goals to be considerate? Apparently that's the case, since all you do is judge me with your taint-colored eyez and rip my ticket out of my hand, scratching me with your shoddy chipped acrylic nails. And bitch, mauve is played out...try red next time. It would match your horns." But alas, I am meek and scared of the gun that you know she has hidden under her seat. But what is even more confuserz about this shiz is that by the time we roll up to the Port Authority in Manhattan and I intricately plan out the perfect facial contortion of pure hateful irritation to flash at her, she becomes as pleasant as a plum. Hell...TWO plumz. I'll have my "I'ma cut you" face all in prep and as I walk by her, not only does she wish me a good day...but she calls me "hun". EVERY SINGLE TIME. What the? Ug...either be really nice all the time and let me love you, or commit completely to being a huge cantankerous bitch and let me hate you. You can't have it both wayz Ms. Bussing Driver!

- On the subway, I saw some hot trick reading "The Bean Trees" by Barbara Kingsolver, which I read in high school. I felt compelled to drum up a conversation with her about it. That is until she started violently (& wetly) coughing into a handkerchief. I scooted down a few seats instead.

- An elderly Hispanic woman was walking next to me en route to the 2/3 train to Brooklez and she had headphones on. Now with any set of headphonez, when the volume of whatever media player you are listening to goes up to MAX, whatever you are listening to will be clearly audible to those within ten feet of you. Well, this old, gentle, wrinkly Latina was jiving out to Eminem's "Without Me". Wowza! Didn't see that coming, but it proved to me that stereotyping is not only rude (though funny) but also inaccurate most some of the time. Made me think about how much I must confuse people when they walk next to me and hear LaKisha Jones' American Idol performance of Carrie Under-bot's "Jesus, Take the Wheel" blaring outta my face.

- I find that picking a seat on a bus is an artform. Very much how teenagers sit in the lunchroom, there are many intricate factors that take place during the fifteen seconds from when you board and when you sit your fat ass down. Window or aisle? Baggage or no? Back or front? Left or right? Time of day? Getting up sooner or later? All of these must be taken into consideration, but let's be supa serial here...we all know the main determinant for seat selection comes down to the slobs you have to pick to sit next to. Now, lucky duckerz for me, my stop is the second one in the morning, so I am one of the slobz that others must decide whether or not to sit next to. And while I like being left alone and not awkwardly elbow-rubbed by strangers, it is a little upsetting when throngs of people shuffle pass you, refusing to even consider sitting next to you. Well whatever. The point of this bullet point is: Asians. They always are the ones that sit next to me. Now, I'm not a racist like Miley Cyrus or Joe Jonas, but I do find it note-worthy that roughly 70% of the time, an Asian individual ends up sitting next to me. And there isn't an especially large majority of them on my bus. Just interesting and if I wasn't starting to feel tired I might try to come up with some sort of illogical reason as to why they like sitting next to me. But I am, so fudge it.

- There are four elevators the building that I work in. One of them smells like the hybrid scent of Gummi Bears and cigarettes. I always end up taking this elevator. Last week a woman rode up with me and gave me this advice:
Never work with anyone over 70. It's terrible. I mean, my grandmother is staying with me and all she ever does is start fires.

- A mother and her spawn were gorging themselves on a McDonalds bounty today on the 2 train that I was taking to the Port Authority. Of course they happened to be standing next to where I was sitting, which allowed their dead cow patties to hover directly in front of my face. I don't know if it was the perservatives and fake flavor or just my nose being fucked up, but as I inhaled the wafting vapors of their food, my nasal passages felt like they were bursting into flamez. They stung like a thousand bees crawled up through my nostrils and worked their way down my throat, stabbing my sensitive insides with their venemous bullshit. Yet another reason why I am going to continue keeping my distance from fast food. Well...except for KFC, cuz fuck it...eating that crispy skin is like having a sexy and degrading one night stand with Milo Ventimiglia in Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry" video.

- I was running errands for my boss and picking up some magazines from the Barnes and Nobles down the street from where I work in Brooklyn, and when I got there I heard the employees talking about a crazy man screaming at the rack of Cliff Notes. Hell, sure enough he was. I think they should equip crazy people like that in every bookstore, to keep kids away from trying to cut corners in their English classes. Just read. I mean, "The Old Man and the Sea" isn't even that long! I hate lazy dopey adolescents that don't read. Go die.

- A woman dropped a glove as she was leaving the bus and I picked it up and ran it to her as she was getting off. I felt like a decent human being, until I then internally judged her hideous hat and made correlations to it and the awkward shape of her head. I iz a dick.

- As I was on the subway at the end of the day last month, I was seated in a car with literally no one else there except for this one older gentleman (feat. business suit and briefcase). As we sat in silence counting down the secondz till the next stop and the hope that one of us would get up or someone else would come on so it wasn't just us two...sitting across from each other...looking nervously around...the man starts to stare at me. And then cry. Like...really hard. Bawling. And still stare at me. I pretended not to notice and then leafed through my bag like finding my pen was the most excitedly engaging thing in the world. Maybe I looked like this dude's dead son or sumfing, but it was mad weird and I was very glad that the car filled up with peepz at the next stop.

- I was taking the bus home and this elderly man next to me was fumblin' with his iPod. I suspect that it must have broken (which seem to be the common trend with everyone I know that owns one. Meanwhile, I've had my Sansa for over three years and it has never fucked up once). Well, he proceeds to curse aggressively at the poor defensless device. He then started punching it (cuz yeah, that works) before smashing it against the window shouting "fuck...fuck...FUCK...FUCK! GODDAMMIT FUCK!" Oh and there was a mother and her prepubescent daughter with her sitting directly in front of him. I laughed to myself and pulled out my working MP3 player and began blasting Motion City Soundtrack, cuz I don't really like old people at all.

I'm sure I'll have more storiez to come in the next few weeks. Keep your eyez posted on my blog...or else I'll eat them.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Blog WIN!

So just in case you, my dedicated readerz, haven't noticed yet, I added a new site to my Internet Readingz list on the side of my blog. I'm sure most everyone is already aware of FailBlog's existence, since it is pretty much genius, but I thought that I'd give them a little publicity and pimp them out here. I am sitting, as I always do Sunday afternoons, in the crowded Boro Bean coffeeshop in Hopewell and am cracking the shiz up and laughing violently at FB's awesome pictures and videos. I thought I'd share some of my fave highlights, just to further entice you into the site's beautiful majesty of Internet delight:

Sign me up!

fail owned pwned pictures
Almost as good as the Gobbler Gibblets!

fail owned pwned pictures
Where Are They Now?: Jennifer Lopez

fail owned pwned pictures
Let's see how far she's come cum.

fail owned pwned pictures
That's just strange & awesome.

Well, he is black.

fail owned pwned pictures
Totally what I would do if I owned a bakery.

fail owned pwned pictures
Issue #136: "Superman and the One-Night Stand"

New. Best. Friend.

Damn straight.

and just cuz I lovez you cholos y gringas, here are some of their awesome videoz as well:

He was fired, then had his face ripped off.

She's classy. You have to pay before you play.

The first part is funny. The second part had me DYING.

Investing in the Courtney Love stock.

So go check out the rest of the site, or else I'll set your taint on fire.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Best New Show

I don't think I'd be wrong to assume that the new Showtime series United States of Tara, looked stupid and gimmicky. I mean, the poster for it is right at my subway stop when I got to work in NYC, and sorry to whoever designed it, but it sucks.

If the show was to be as heartlessly blatant about the plot and structure of the program as the poster makes it out to be, then I don't think it would make it past three episodes. But I shall eat some humble pie, for I have watched the Tara and I am addicted. It studies the complexities that a woman with multiple-sumfing sumfing-personality disorder, (played wonderfully by Toni Collette) goes through and how it affects not only her life, but that of her family's. I don't want to give too much away, so I won't. It's a beautifully touching dark comedy that is one minute hilarious and the next devastating. I highly recommend it to anyone who likes things that are cool and/or awesome.

PS. The theme song and intro are magnificent:

PPS. I kind of have a crush on the gay 14 year-old son (played by some kid named Keir Gilchrist). Am I arrested yet?

I know we'll be just fine
when we learn to love the ride.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Outta gas, so you walk for miles.

So last night I got nice and happy (yes, shitfaced) in Nueva York. Well, I wake up this morning hungover and know that I will not have the braincells to read the book I currently am engaged to ("The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test", fittingly) during my bus ride home, so I purchase a Blender Magazine with the beautiful Kelly Clarkson on the cover. Not being a huge fan of her new single, I wasn't sure when I was going to give the album a listen. I always planned on it, I mean it is Kelly, but I wasn't in a big hurry. But then I read the article on her and not only was it well-written and offered a nice summary and expose of her career, but it convinced me to go buy All I Ever Wanted. And may I just say that it was totally worth it. I'm already addicted to its fun, poppy, bells-and-whistles packed sugar rush and I am very impressed. All of the tracks are just incredibly well written/produced/performed (duhz). I totally see this becoming my new Funhouse by P!nk, in that I literally can't get enough of it and I dream about listening to it. Fav songs so far? The Katy Perry-penned "I Do Not Hook Up", the stuttering electro perfection that is "I Want You" and the vulnerable and earnest "Already Gone". Kelly is so airbrushed and glossy on the cover that she looks like a piece of candy. Lollipop that bitch, shove a stick in her and give it a lick. [Edit: Wow. That sounds bad. But fuck it, it stays.]

Here are some interesting thingz I learned while reading this issue of Blender cover to cover (sans the stupid U2 album review, cuz those fuckers need to peace out already).

- Hugo Boss' new cologne, Element smells like pure sex and makes me want to churn the butter.

- Cyndi Lauper's "Time After Time" is still one of the most amazingly heartbreaking songs ever.

- Lady Gaga loves the gayz. Ok, this is obvious.

- For some reason everyone has this perception that K. Clarkson's My December was a mediocre album. Everytime I read about it, there is this disgruntled disapproval for it that it doesn't deserve. It is actually quite an impressive album that shows a lot of artistic growth. And I don't understand how it was "unsuccessful" when it sold over 2 million copies. You'd be hard-pressed to find a lot of albums nowadays that can push those numbers.

- Even though I'm not really a fan of it, Kelly's explanation of "My Life Would Suck Without You" I really dig: "We're both so horrible for each other, but we can't live without each other."

- Jason Mraz drinks avocado smoothies, and I admit that my curiosity has been lit.

- Whoever wrote the review for the new Kelly album needs to be punched in the taint for journalistic lack of research. They say that this is her third album. No. It's her fourth. While I would also like to forget about the American Idol aborted discharge that was her first album Thankfuk [Edit: Misspell...but it stays], it still exists and must be acknowledged.

- I want a velvet painting of JonBenét Ramsey.

- I inexplicably have a craving to listen to Buddy Holly.

- Adventureland looks awesomely hilarious and stars my favorite SNL cast member Virgania Horsen Kristin Wiig.

- Fat Princess is the best thing I have ever seen. I can't even explain it. It's insensitive and offends people, so for obvs I lovez it. Look it up you lazy fucks [TRAILER & INFO].

- Amy Poehler is just like me when she drinks. She gets sloppy and vomz.

Ok...done for now. Bye, you whorez.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

I can cut you into pieces.

So my favorite singer in the entire world, P!nk, has recently released the next video off her latest recorded masterpiece, Funhouse. It's for the song "Please Don't Leave Me" and it's disturbing and wicked and controversial. The video seems to be semi-inspired by one of my favorite films of all time, Misery, where a woman who is obsessed with her favorite author rescues him from a car crash and proceeds to hold him captive in her house. I think this video is weird and crazy and I love it for that...I just hope that other people aren't put off by its dark (and occasionally violent) nature.

I forgot to say out loud
how beautiful you really are to me.
I cannot be without,
you're my perfect little punching bag.
And I need you,
I'm sorry.

Top 11 - Country Night

Thought I'd waste a few hours writing some long and in-depth Idol bitcheries.

Ryan smugs his way out onto the stage to tell us that tonight is going to suck and force our contestants into a genre nary a one of them is happy about - Country. I love how each season this week is the one that everyone groans at. The judges groan, the contestants groan, the stage groans when Mandisa stomps her brontosaurus thighs around while screeching out "Any Man of Mine". This years they play this video about the Grand Ole Opry which I automatically am disinterested in, because as anyone who know me will tell you, old people piss me off. Then we see shots of Carrie Underwood and laugh cuz we know there won't be another Idol to come out of this factory show that will ever reach the levels of success met by Under-bot or K. Clarkson. The guest mentor tonight is Randy Travis who sings songs and is famous for being very skinny and judgmental. He says he is gonna murder the contestants and feast on their minimally talented souls [I made this last part up because I ran off to make a sandwich]. Let's just get to the shitstorm already.

Michael Sarver - My favorite Stinky Cheese Man starts us off tonight singing "Ain't Goin' Down Till the Sun Comes Up" which is famous for having a million words and being impossible to recite. Travis tells him he is gonna fuck it up. Michael just goonz about and smilez.

His performance is decent...his vocals aren't sucking too much taint, though it is hard to really understand him/hear much intonation considering all the word vomit spewing out of his mouth that is basically causing him to hyperventilate. He grins at the camera and I feel threatened, like he's gonna take me out behind a bar and beat me, calling me a pansy or fruit. The whole performance seems phony, except for the epileptic harmonica player who is crippled on the side of the stage bugging out.

Randy thought it was lame. Kara thought it showed personality (and by "personality" she means "it looks like he is going to kill me") but that it lacked "wOw" to which Michael farts about country music just being "fun". The audience claps cuz they suck and Paula takes that word and runs with it. Fun fun fun fun fun fun...she says it thirteen times and the Simon is like, you're an asshole and it was 1.2 outta 10, go die fuckface.

Allison Ihareta - She's singing "Blame It On Your Heart" or some crap. Travis says he knows it will sound amazing and that he has never heard someone so young sound so mature (aka boring). Bratz Doll then insults all things country and attempts to do the Asslee Shitson hoedown to which Travis is like "Bitch, if you do that I'ma lasso your ass" or something equally abusive/stereotypical.

She doesn't look as Hot Topic as she did last week, thanx-b-2-gawd. But she still annoys me and she screams her muffled rawker scream instead of singing comprehensible words. When she hits those long notes she seriously sounds like Miley Cyrus on the verge of ralphing. I can HEAR the bile rising!

The judges start to talk and I hope they let her say a few things, because even though she might be mad comfortable on the stage, when she's off she's just another stupid, insecure, ignorant teenage slut. Kara does the age-old "you could sing the alphabet/phonebook" comment that Paula throws out every other episode. Paula liked it but says that she needs to drop the rocker shit so she doesn't become a one-trick pony. She then calls her an "artist" which is pretentious and annoying. They aren't creating anything here except shitty reinterpretations of mediocre country tunez. They aren't artists...they're wannabeeeeez. Simon says it's decent but bad and Randy says it's "dope".

Kris Allen - "You Make Me Feel Love" is being sung by my future husband (feat. acoustic guitar) and Travis is all about it. He cocks his dirrty old man eyebrows at Kris and looks gross, but impressed. Kris says some shit and looks hot and whatever whatever...just be naked.

When the lights come up on the stage, he is on the "ballad stool" sans guitar(?!). His voice is very light and whispery and I can't tell if it really good or bad. In my opinion he looks mad uncomferz up there without his instrument (haha..."instrument"), and he almost looks like the guy at karaoke that is taking it just a little too seriously. He ends it with an anticlimatic high note that sounded outta key.

But what the crotch do I know? The judges want him in bed right now and are freaking out. Paula says she's making some pudding in the cellar for him and thought the performance was "vulnerable" and "honest" and "pure" and every other synonymous word. Simon thought it was "terrific" which astounds me because I thought it was mediocre and Simon is always about jumping all over the flaws of the attractive white male contestants. He says he think Kris will do well in the competition, and duh...he's hot and this is clearly an image business (forget Ruben Studdard). Randy calls him a "tender dog" and Paula and Kara both sign-up for a ride.

Lil Rounds - She's singing that "Independence Day" crap that Carrie Under-bot outsang like four years ago. Travis tells her to slow down the tempo so there is more room for her to be awesome and great. I love Roundz.

She comes out on stage wearing a bathtowel and clown make-up lipschtick. Her vocals are (um...duh) good in a "I'm like Fantasia, but not like Fantasia way". Like, her voice is soulful and unique, but she doesn't sound like she has throat cancer AND she can read. The song is a little too put together, but what do you expect when a soulful diva takes on country? It always feels contrived (case in point, Mandisa). She opens her mouth wide for the last note and swallows the entire population of Los Angeles.

Randy says it was "interesting" to which the entire audience boos him. Hey people, he's just keeping it real. Kara and her huge eyes tell Roundz that she's glad that she did what she felt. Paula sounds congested and gross and liked her post-shower attire. Simon messes up her name twenty times (Lil vs. Little) and refuses to apologize or relent in his butchering. He thought it was forced...which it is...are they not are forced into these themes?! He would have rather she sung Mary J. Blige, who to the best of my knowledge hasn't entered the country charts...ever. Roundz starts to talk and Simon shits on her. Paula then is like, "she should have sung 'Stand By Your Man'!" to which Simon wins back points with me when he stares right into Abdul's disco ball eyes and says "No."

Adam Lambert - I still hate him and I don't care what the ladies at work say...he's a tool and annoying. He is going to be gothifying "Ring of Fire" by Johnny Cash and Travis seriously wants no part of that shit. He looks utterly disturbed and unimpressed with Adam, and for good reason. It sounds like shit. And black nail polish on ANYONE is annoying. Go eff yourself.

The performance starts in the center of the stage with an abrasive video loop of a roaring fire behind Adam. He is seriously the biggest phony bitch in the world and he mugs it to the camera and poses and bats his eyes and does all the things he's seen My Chemical Romance do in their videos. The song is a terrible interpretation that really doesn't do anything for the first half until it explodes into a fit of 80's hair metal yelping and "I'ma fuck you" faces. I'll hand it to Curtain Hair though, his high notes are quite impressive. Too bad his existence makes me want to crucify myself. The whole performance feels like he is trying to summon some FaBuLoUs drag demon angels from hell to rise from the depths and give Paula a much needed make-ova'.

Kara thought it was "strange" to which the audience starts to boo, and she gets freaked cuz it hasn't happened to her yet this season, so she quickly adds "BUT I LIKED IT!" to try and calm the masses. Paula is glad he stayed true to himself...aka true to the goth rock image of "good music". Simon is like "WTF, dude?" He thought it was "indulgent" and that people were throwing their TVs outta their windows all over America ala Pink Floyd's The Wall. I'm glad Simon cussed him out about's about time someone sticks this pretentious fuck's self-confidence up his glitter shoot. Randy liked it cuz he's a moron and he thought that it was "young" just like NIN, who...aren't...young?

Scott MacIntyre - He is going to be singing some Martina McBride called "Wild Angels". Randy Travis is all like, "that's dumb" and Scott's all like "everyone will love it, cuz I'm blind." Then I got some cranberry juice and missed the rest of their meeting.

He's at the piano again singing some inspirational song that sucks. He's got a decent voice but I'm bored silly and feel awkward staring at his vacant eyes, but when the camera gets all close and shit, it's impossible not to. Whenever I see Scott perform, and this isn't because he is blind, I feel like I am supposed to be moved by the performance...almost a spiritual thing, like he's the leader of some Sunday school Rockin' for the Lord band. Think Saved! only instead of Mandy Moore there's Scott and instead of everything being snark and funny, it's boring and repetitive.

Paula is too nice to be mean to him so she lies and says it was impressive. She then awkwardly says that she'd love to see him step out from behind the piano and everyone is like...what? How? And do what? No offense to him, but it's uncomferz enough to watch him staring off while playing the piano, but to perform without it...without the instrument to distract our attention, I think it's a silly idea. What? Is he just gonna sit on the "ballad stool" each week or stumble around on stage. Paula, you stupid. Simon calls her a retard and the audience cheers. Simon thinks it isn't the piano that is the problem, but his song choice. Randy thinks the problem is that his vocals aren't up to par with his image. Kara thinks everything needs to be stepped up. So recap, according to the judges the vocals, instrumentation, song choice and overall performance are the things that need to be worked on? Damn can't win. The judges bitch some more and I start wiki'ing that Haunting In Connecticut movie, attempting to figure out what the fuck is spewing out of that kid's mouth on the poster. Seriously, if anyone has any guesses as to what it is, let me know. It just looks like some sort of CGI blob to me.

Alexis Grace - The skeletal remains of Dolly Parton will coincidentally be singing a song of hers. "Jolene" is that song about some desperate bitch trying to persuade some slut not to do her boyfriend, or something. Skeletalz is up Travis' ass praising and fauning over him and it's annoying. Obviously he likes her for being a suck-up and literally no constructive advice comes from their meeting.

She starts the performance randomly halfway up a flight of stairs and it just all falls apart. Firstly, she looks a lot like Dolly Parton (plastic surgery and all) but her voice is definitely not of the same caliber. I understand the song is supposed to be pleading, but it comes across as terribly whiney and powerless. Her high notes blow and I'm disappointed, but not surprised.

Randy thought it was pitchy (duh) and that her bluesy shit didn't work in it. Skeletalz tries to pull the "I'm bringing my own flavor" that Lil Roundz did earlier and it's not flying. Kara tells her that she should of sung "Last Name" or "Before He Cheats", both by the Under-bot and I am left perplexed, because like three seasons ago Lisa Tucker sang a Kelly Clarkson song and I was almost positive that the judges were all like "don't sing a former Idol's song!", but now they're all about it? I dunno...maybe I made that up, but it is still annoying. Paula squirms out some sort of cryptic compliment that doesn't make sense and Simon tells Alexis that she sounded like a subpar version of Ms. Parton herself. She then tries to pull out what Sarver said earlier and is all like "I wanted to have fun" which doesn't make sense because the song she chose is not an upbeat positive song, like Sarver's was. Shut up and go home you tramp.

Danny Gokey - Ug...he's singing "Jesus, Take the Wheel" which (surprise!) is a Carrie Under-bot song. Damnit! I'm being overloaded here on the alumni bullshit. I get it, she's the second most successful Idol and is unique for being all country and shit, but give it a rest peeps. His pre-performance video shows him fucking up the lyrics every five seconds while Travis looks confused and agitated. Danny laughs like a bitch and Randy is like "is this shit over yet? where's my check?"

He's dressed in a huge puffy white skiing jacket and he looks like a polar bear. His tips are extra frosted and his nerdface is primed and ready to beam. The beginning is annoying and makes me wish for LaKisha Jones who I thought owned this song two seasons ago (even though the judges didn't). He wanders around on stage like Scott without the piano (you really want that Paula?!) and he doesn't get his shit together till the chorus...which starts to kick ass. He all of a sudden gets mad powerful and belts everything perfectly and kind of redeems the first half of the performance.

Kara agrees with me (cuz I'm always right) and thought that the beginning was a mess. Paula blatherz on about it telling a story or someting and Simon actually agrees! Lame. He then pulls out of the situation and tries to get Paula and Kara to fight in a pool of Jell-O. Simon then adds that Danny looks like a stupid moron up on the stage tonight. Randy says nothing of value.

Anoop Desai - "You're Always On My Mind" seems like the kind of song that if sung by a contestant I liked (David Hernandez or Elliott Yamin), I might download and become obsessed with. But I'm severely indifferent to such a point that ignore his stupid video with Travis.

His voice actually sounds good tonight...really good. It's raspy and strong but not so hard as to lose the pitch. I'm impressed...I started to write him off as another Sanjaya Malakar and I am very happy that I am wrong. I still find his personality incredibly annoying, but what the cakes? He's good! The alien lights are shining bright from the ceiling and I have trouble watching him due to his uncanny resemblance to Kumar from those movies about getting high and eating burgerz/getting arrested.

Paula seems is drunk starts rambling about pride and gloves and tender and vocals and hearts and whatever whatever. Simon goes all cute and says that Nooperz has gone from a zero to a hero, which I regrettably concede to. He calls him one of the best of the night and takes back what he said last week, when he said they shouldn't have made a top 13 just to let him in. Nooperz's face explodes and everyone cheers. Hurray! Shut up. He also is glad that Anoop isn't a whiney bitch like some others were tonight (ALEXIS ALEXIS ALEXIS). Randy thinks it's dope and Kara says it was "amazing".

Megan "Caw! Caw!" Joy - She's singing "Walking After Midnight" which Travis says everyone in the world has sung. He bashes her for the song choice until Megan shuts him up with her awesome tone and weird blank stare. As soon as she starts singing, he shuts the fuck up and says it was awesome. Duh...I like her so of course she's good.

Her tattoos look especially hideous tonight and her dress is perplexing and does this odd slingshot thing to her boobz. At first she seems to lack a lot of energy (which will be accounted for later), but still her voice is amazing in its weird kooky "I'm the American Adele, Duffy, Amy Winehouse" kind of way. It's a little jazzy, but also contemporary enough to remain relavent. There are parts of the song where she goes up high and her voice cracks a bit, but it actually works and is fun. Her trademark convulsing arms are still in service, gyrating back and forth but I am willing to look past this. Near the end she starts to fuck with the notes in the chords she is singing along with and its pretty cool and shows some sort of musicality that's admirable. I really love her.

Randy assumed it was gonna be a trainwreck, but HA! he's wrong! He ended up thinking it was pretty good. Kara thought it was the perfect song choice and then she points out that Megan has been sick all week with the flu and was even in the hospital. Damn! Paula awkwardly says that she should continue being sick cuz she sings better then (?) and Simon tells her she looks hot and that he wants more CrAzInEsS from her. Then Ryan hands her a tissue and she blows her nose in front of 30 million people. Cute. But I still love you!

Matt Giraud - The Carrie Under-clones continue as Matt takes on "So Small" which I've never heard before. Travis tells him it's a stupid idea, but then shuts his gob when he hears him sing. Then I take a piss and miss the rest of the clip.

I irrationally dislike Matt, but I think I might be getting over it thanks to this performance. He's at the piano and he actually emotes a decent amount of soul through his voice. His resemblence to Michael Buble doesn't hurt either. Unlike most of the other performances tonight, the song builds and fluctuates like an actual piece of music should. It's impressive how he is able to take a butchered 1 minute and some seconds arrangment and make it feel well-rounded and satisfying. Okay...he's (kinda) won me over.

Kara suggestively says that there is nothing "small" about Matt, which is then followed by Paula saying that he is "piercing" and I just stop listening cuz my virgin ears start to bleed. Paula then starts rambling about how great Carrie Underwood is and everyone starts to applaud and it is completely irrelavent. Simon thinks that Matt is incredibly underrated and that he outsang nearly everyone tonight...including Danny (BLASPHEMY!) Randy says that it's his fav performance of the night and Matt and his inflated ego gloat as Ryan leads us out.

Who will should go home?
Alexis or Scott

[Update: And I was right! Alexis had the lowest amount of votes and her shitty "save me" performance failed! Bye bitch.]

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Take It Easy

Borrred and instead of actually trying to write some sort of meaningful entry, I thought I'd just do one of these nerd-festival music surveys that get spread around every few months like a dirrty cheap hooker (aka my life aspirations when I was in middle school).

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. Write that song name down, no matter how silly it sounds.


Hit 'Em Up Style (Oops!) [Blu Cantrell]

Hooker [P!nk]


Try Again [Aaliyah]

Champagne for My Real Friends, Real Pain for My Sham Friends [Fall Out Boy]


Bullet Proof [Goo Goo Dolls]

Hey Mama [Black Eyed Peas]

The Right Man [Christina Aguilera]

Hair [The Early November]

Fuel for the Feeding End [Coheed & Cambria]


Climbing Up the Walls [Radiohead]


The World [The Starting Line]


Just Because [Jane's Addiction]

On the Safest Ledge [Copeland]


Amazon [M.I.A.]


I Will Buy You a New Life [Everclear]

Space [Something Corporate]

Everyday Goodbyes [Maroon 5]

Firefly [Saves the Day]

Tu-Whitt Tu-Whoo [The Anniversary]

Ring Ring [Mika]


My Rollercoaster [Kimya Dawson]

Arnold Layne [Pink Floyd]


Two Weeks in Hawaii [Hellogoodbye]

The Water [Feist]

You're My Best Friend [Queen]


Keep Watch For the Mines [Dashboard Confessional]


We Laugh Indoors [Death Cab For Cutie]

Guitar and Video Games [Sunny Day Real Estate]

Take It Easy [The Eagles]

that was fun and damn, some of the answers actually do kinda fit. ScArErZzZzZz!

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Songs of the Moment

Been awhile since I've done one of these...well, music seems to be a real healer for me and lately it's been like a fucking miracle worker in my life. Here are some tunez I've been especially fond of lately...and none of them are at all new or current...hah, I'm always soooo behind.

Oh! And feel free to scroll down to the bottom of this entry and listen up to this supa sweet playlist I was able to make by signing up for IMEEM. Actually...please do listen cuz it took me so goddamn long to put it together and embed it. Do it. Or you're dead to me.

Fiona Apple - "Extraordinary Machine"

About a month ago, going through a rough time, my very good friend Xtina told me to look up this gem of a track and read the lyrics. She said something along the lines of "it's like your theme song." Now, I've had many people give me songs to listen to under the assurance that I would LoVe it or really be mOvEd by it, only to be disappointed or disinterested. However, this was one recommendation that was spot-on (kudos X!). Aside from being uniquely sparse musically, the lyrics are pretty much a description of myself, my views and my personal response to obstacles in life: dealing with problems by letting oneself be vulnerable to them, get hurt and then grow. This constant barraging is difficult, but ultimately shapez the individual into a being capable of bending and coping with issues, in order for life to maintain a level of harmony. Slightly self-deprecating, but we all have our faults, don't we? Here are some lyrics that F. Apple biographically wrote just for me (she told me she did, I swear):

"If there was a better way to go then it would find me. I can't help it, the road just rolls out behind me. Be kind to me or treat me mean, I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine."

"I still only travel by foot and by foot it's a slow climb. But I'm good at being uncomfortable, so I can't stop changing all the time."

"I seem to you to seek a new disaster every day."

"I'm in to prove I'm into moving in my own way. But say, I've been getting along for long before you came into the play."

The Early November - "Sunday Drive"

So because I'm an emotional artard and like to be sad and not let wounds scab over and heal I've been listening to this song by The Early November a lot recently. Basically it's everything I've been wanting to express about a certain recent issue. To an unimpressed listener it might come across as just another faux-emo acoustic Dashboard Confessional-wannabe track, and to a certain extent it might be, but it does for totez hit a deeper chord. There is something bluntly honest and painfully sincere about lyrics like "There's no more trying to make this so right," and "I wonder if I'm alone in your head" and (my personal favorite) "What could you be doing that is so much fun without me by your side?" Oucherz and cheeeeese! I know I really should put the uber-sad songz away for a bit, but the achingly therapeutic pleasure I get out of it keeps me coming bizzack for mizzore.

Carole King - "So Far Away"

This also is following in the same vein as the aforementioned track...depressing reflection...blah...meh...rabble one loves me....cry...whine...cakez...blah. For supa serialz though, I heard this song on the classic love Sirius channel that gets put on by my co-workers on Wednesday nights. It's a classic and Carole King is a legendarily epic songwriter. I was researching the album that this track comes off of, Tapestry, and apparently it's like one of the greatest records ever in the history of everything. It's on every "Top List of All Time" by every publication in existence. The song in particular has a quietness to it that I would liken to awakening up outside, looking up at the rising sun, or any other cliche moments that people write poems on because they are actually quite moving. King's voice has this focused subtlety that never gets too intense or too sad, but just stays right in the middle of the road. Earnest and breathtaking. Old people songz! YAY!

Augustana - "Boston"

Okay, it has actually gotten (I'm serious, you hoes) to the point that I find myself getting constantly depressed over living in central Jersey. Since starting work in Nueva York and spending time up there with friends, new and old, I've only wanted to immerse myself further in all it has to offer. Being in NY so much has awoken this creative spontaneity in me that I am addicted to now. But coming home to NJ really makes me feel like I'm being put back into my cage. Each day I'm feeling more and more disconnected to the things I used to love about my hometown and about this whole area in general. Like everyone has said a million times before, things definitely happen for reasons and I can't help but think that my internship and experiences in New York happened at the perfect time for me. Incredibly emotionally raped and unbearably blue, I needed something like "the city" (fuck off Philly) to give me direction. I think that I really just need to move there already and leave all my unhappiness behind and try and start anew somewhere fresh.

Oh yeah...the song. Well it basically sparked this entire realization in my mind while I was on the subway two dayz ago and it came on my MP3 player's shuffle. Just read this:

"I think I'll go to Boston New York,

I think I'll start a new life.

I think I'll start it over where no one knows my name.

Get out of California Dirrty Jerzey,

I'm tired of the weather.

I think I'll get a lover and fly on out to Spain.

I think I'll go to Boston New York.

I think that I'm just tired.

I think I need a new town to leave this all behind.

And I think I need a sunrise, I'm sick & tired of this sunset."

Björk - "Ancestors"

The last song I'm including in this installment is a nice different unique?! fucking weird departure from the other four songs listed. Whereas they have been appealing to my jaded emotional state as of late, this song by my future bride, Ms. Guðmundsdóttir, is an unsettling and possibly displeasing track that cannot truly be explained effectively. Let's just say that it is the most experiment song in Björk's entire experimental catalogue and it features no distinguishable lyrics and has little music outside of primal grunting, distorted humming, screaming and grotesquely intriguing throat singing by famed...throat singer (?) Tagaq. The song I find honestly difficult to sit through due to its really disturbing nature, but I'm trying to really get into the musicality that went into constructing it. Hell...all of Medúlla gives me the creepz and a bad case of the heart-racing anxieties! But hey, for music to reach and stir up such deep disturbed emotions only further provides proof to the validity of Björk's talent as a musician and a visionary.

[EDIT: sorry...the Fiona Apple track only plays a 30 second sample..if you want to hear the whole thing, click HERE]

Thursday, March 12, 2009


Throughout my days I constantly come across things or ideas or funny little quips that I jot down to include in my blog. However, most of them would be too silly or naked on their own to deserve individual entries. Plus I am lazy sometimes and would rather eat an entire pint of Halo Farm ice cream while watching Mystery Science Theater 3000 (thanks Netflix!) than update this blog every hour when I think of something clever or random to write. So the mission of this entry is to compile all of these said tidbitz. Ok, enough crap. Enjoy the smorgasbord:

- On the bus ride home today, as I often do, I passed out for the majority of the trip. I woke up, quite conveniently, just one stop before my own. Quite inconvenient though was that as I began to make sure I had all of my things before getting off the bus, I realized that my cellphone was no where to be found. The bus stops in front of the roller rink parking lot where my car chillaxes during the day, and I hadn't found my phone. Refusing to get off the bus knowing that my phone was still on it, the bus driver drove on. It took me a good 3 minutes to find it hidden away, wedged between the arm rest and the cushion I was sitting on.

So I shoot my hand up like a rocket to the "Request Stop" button. Lucky to my duckz, I think the bus driver knew something was up, because he stopped almost immediately and as I left, said "Good luck with everything." Yeah. Tanx. So I'm outside and then proceed to more or less hitchhike my way back to my bus stop/car that seems to be like two miles away. Of course there are no sidewalks so I'm pulling some Stand By Me shiz and walking through the wooded area next to the road. I tried jogging for a bit, but fuck that. Finally I get to my car and curse and cry and vomit all my way home. Well, not really...but I was pissed.

The funny thing about that though, is that when I was on the bus I was actually pumping myself up for a nice long jog through the local park, once I got home. Damn, but scrawny ass don't need that now. My legs still feel like swollen tomatoes being squeezed to the point of burzting.

- On my drive home, I only had one CD in the car with me, and it was this depressing mix I mentioned a few entries ago. Considering I already wanted to inflict pain on the first available living creature that came within my grasp after my impromptu homeless person hike, I thought it best not to depress myself even further. So I turn on the radio. Now, for some reason, my car's stereo only really gets WPST in clearly. I turn it on and that goddamn Taylor Swift song about rings and the outskirts of towns and Romeo and Juliet came on and I thought about swerving my car into the nearest school bus of impressionable children and just ending my misery. Seriously, the DJs at the fucking station wait until I the rare moments when I enter their airwaves and immediately put it on. It's always the first song I hear them play when I turn on the radio! DIE.

Then I sit through hearing that hot mess Chris Rollins and her witchy screech-voice ramble on and on about her laser eye surgery and how it's great and how's it's this and how it's that and how Dr. Barry Wasserman is the greatest person ever and yawn fart yawn puke. That bitch's voice seriously makes me want to kill thingz.

Then just as I am about to stab my throat with my ice-scraper, a song I had never heard before came on the radio: "The Man Who Can't Be Moved" by The Script. I instantly was intrigued by its title and damn, I actually end up enjoying it. It's easy listening mod-rock ala The Fray, Lifehouse, Snow Patrol and a million other bands, but the lyrics were pretty ace ("I'm not broke, I'm just a broken-hearted man") and the vocals have a slight R&B vibe to them that gives the whole song some depth. Hmmm, who would have thought that something good would have coming from listening to PSTerz?

- A comment left on my blog led me to this wonderfully entertaining website: Definitely check it out. Looks like a PostSecret/OverheardInNewYork kinda site with lots of updates and some truly hilarious posts. Anyone who has ever had to share a confined living space with other people I'm sure will be able to respect what the site is trying to do.

- Atonement was an absolutely amazing movie that held my heart at gunpoint before raping it and then stabbing it with a hunter's knife. Great story. Great acting. Great everything. Not at all what I expected it to be and I was pleasantly surprised, even though I did guess how the film was going to end, even though everything I read about the film boasted a "surprise ending you won't believe!!!111!1one!1!1". Still an amazing flick though.

- I finished a book that my friend Justin lent me by Woody Allen called "The Insanity Defense". Twas a collection of short essays, similiar to that of my beloved David Sedaris. However, Allen's writing is much do you say this? "Abstractly confused"? It's like Sedaris meets Vonnegut meets MadLibs. Very strange and random, but very often thought-provoking with a mild commentary on history and society. I enjoyed it very much, especially the story about Hitler's dreamz of luxurious facial hair.

- While reading this aforementioned book, I was also watching the first season of The Anna Nicole Smith Show, which I got from Netflix. When I got it in the mail, the little window in the envelope where the bar code peeps through was torn, probably by the mailman so he could see what DVD was inside. I'm sure he will never look at me the same. Anyway, we all know the show is fucking weird, and she's crazy and drugz and she died and fat and blah blah blah. I hate Bobby Trendy and I think he really needs someone to beat his acne-scarred ass. But anyway, I couldn't help but draw comparrisons between the crazy reality of the late Anna Anna Anna Anna Anna Nicole (she's SO outrageous!) and the absurd world in Woody Allen's short stories. Both featured sporadic randomness outlined by themes of social destruction and acted out by a loathsomely loveable cast of characters who at times seem like victims, but generally are just bastardz. The episode where Anna starts declaring her love for Hollywood street signs in a faux-dignified European accent could have been taken right out of Allen's book, and the story of a woman who only wants to sleep with her husband after he marries her mother because of some sick "daddy-fetish" seems a likely incident to have taken place in the late Playboy model's life. Geee...funny the correlations your mind webs together.

- While working in New York yesterday, I was searching through some gossip magazine when I came across a picture of Nicky Hilton being gross. However, she was wearing a shirt that said "iamtheonlyone". There was a link about the shirt that I searched online and it turns out it comes from an up-start website called i/denti/tee, who takes classic song quotes that begin with "I" and slaps them on shirts. For the moment they only have like 9 different quotes, none that appeal to me, but there is this fun interactive part of the site where you can vote on your fav song quote, with the quotes receiving the most votes eventually becoming shirts. I voted and here are some of the sayings that I would actually purchase:
"i'm a creep, i'm a weirdo"
"i have become comfortably numb"
"i don't want no scrub"
"i won't go go go"
"i like the way you move"
"i've seen fire and i've seen rain"

- At work on Wednesday, I had a table of business men come in for lunch. They all had their ties and briefcases and serious scowls adorning their pusses and underoos bunched up in their cornholes so I gave them space and let them talk and do their serious money chit-chat in peace. At one point, the grumpiest, slouchiest and most miserable-looking dude of the bunch pulls out a pen and begins drawing figures and shit on the paper we use to cover the tables. I think nothing of it and when I deliver their food, the man quickly puts his hands over his diagram, cuz I really care. Well, they leave and as I am cleaning their table I see what he was working so diligently on. WHAT?!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Top 13 - Michael Jackson Night

So after maiming the musical catalogues of Queen, Elton John, The Beatles and Dolly Parton, the American Idol producerz thought it was about damn time they put good ole Jacko's tunes through the amateur wannabe-star ringer. The results, not as bad as I would have liked (I'm mean!). Here are my thoughts, in of course ten words:

Lil Rounds ("The Way You Make Me Feel")
Looks like hell, but let's see someone outsing her tonight,

Scott MacIntyre ("Keep the Faith")
Like a strange after-school special - blah blah believe in yourself.

Danny Gokey
("P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing)")
Moves like an angry gorilla, but sings very well/LOUD.

Michael "Chowda Face" Sarver
("You Are Not Alone")
Boring and stupid, I don't care about the oil rigger.

Jasmine Murray
("I'll Be There")
Looks like a birthday cake, performs like a Carrie Under-bot.

Kris Allen
("Remember the Time")
Finally something original. Acoustic guitar [plus] Michael Jackson [equalz] IMPRESSIVE.

Allison Ihareta ("Give In To Me")
Sings in supermarkets? Judges love this, I think it's manufactured.

Anoop "Yes, I'm Indian" Desai ("Beat It")
When Paula calls something karaoke, you know it's really terrible.

Jorge Nuñez
("Never Can Say Goodbye")
Poor nervous Jorge! Goofy song got the best of him.

Megan Joy
("Rockin' Robin")
Weirdest song choice ever? Still like her, but good luck.

Adam Lambert
("Black and White")
Reminds me of a thin Meat Loaf. Really irritates me.

Matt Giraud
("Human Nature")
Humps the piano and sings well, I guess. Beef jerky.

Alexis Grace
("Dirty Diana")
She moves like a crippled horse. And the singing? Meh.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

He was fixed...

...but apparently not soon enough.

Damn you Mowgli & Hermanita!

Sunday, March 8, 2009

One of THESE will be our next American Idol?!

So the top 12 13(!!!) have been finally picked on American Idol and I am mad pissed that Tatiana ("I don't know how she has gotten this far through life without being murdered and I'm not trying to be funny or anything when I say that because it's not that funny, it's a serious question." - Television Without Pity) didn't get through to grace us furthermore with her decent voice and cuckoo-crazy-over-the-moon crying fits. Lame! America, you suck.

Anyway, the top 13 seem kind of lame and they all look like semi-finalist rejects from earlier seasons and they are largely all quite lackluster. Here are my opinions of the new meat:

Danny Gokey

Adam Lambert

Jasmine Murray

Kris Allen

Alexis Grace

Anoop Desai

Megan Joy

Matt Giraud

Jorge Nuñez

Allison Iraheta

Michael Sarver

Scott MacIntyre

Lil Rounds

[EDIT: Ignore the white band at the bottom of Lil Rounds picture. I forgot to edit it out, but after hours of making these pics and another hour of formatting and posting them, I'm too fucking dunzo with this entry to fix it.]