Friday, January 30, 2009

my words too shall leave me

[EDIT: Sorry for the recent string of melancholy and sporadic poetry. I promise some "real" (and less stress-induced) entries will be coming shortly. No worriezzzzzzz!]

forget me in the winds of spring,
lose me among the other bodies,
say goodbye when our time is through,
just remember me as being something.


Gone, I say.
I'm a hopeless case.
A torn scarecrow,
lonely glasses on my dresser,
the songs I can't hear anymore.
I'm aching
as these things find their place.
Pinching and pricking my insides
like crab claws.
And I'll never sleep.
125 and dropping
and soon the nosey bastards will ask
What happened?
I'ts 9' o Clock and you're at work.
I'm home and afraid.
I'm so tired of being brave.


You sky blue.
I miss you.
My beautiful baby blue.


i don't


after all these years
and you still
want me.


broken bathroom mirror
pounding on the door
flesh is just flesh
pounding on the floor
scratching scars across my forehead
pounding is all i can do anymore.


everything has led to this
and now i'm finished.
hear the door slam as i go
watch me as my head explodes.


drive off the road from lambertville
to home. fields fields fields.
i'll rest where the tallest grass grows.




after all of this
i still wonder
what it would take
for you to sail away with me.


And please don’t forget, my dear,
that each of my fibers
loved you the most.
I loved you most of all.


my little firefly

i found it in the early summer
when the sun started getting hotter
and the waves started crashing louder.

i found it in the early summer
and caught it in the palm of my hand
and counted the beatings of light in the dark.

i found it in the early summer
among the other bugs and the blossoms
and i held it high and alive.

i found it in the early summer
when i needed it the most
a saving little love affair.

but i am letting go this late winter
and saying goodbye to its pulsating reassurance
knowing now that we all have our seasons.

i can't do this, i said in the late winter
i have become too dedicated to your delicate wings
to let them fly free.

i'm in too deep this late winter
catching my breath on desperate winds
and trying to let my heart find its way
through a darkness with no light left to shine.


i am broken

What did I do that you can't seem to want me?
Why do we lie here and whisper goodbyes?
Where can I go that your pictures won't haunt me?
What makes it so easy for you to be walking by?

-- Something Corporate - "Walking By"

how sad that after 5 years, these lyrics come back.

i'm a goner.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

simple equation

driving in snow to the laundromat @ 8 en la maƱana


not a fun way to start the day

boo hiss boo hiss

Sunday, January 25, 2009

sunday night, home alone

I'm a sad panda.

Saturday, January 24, 2009


[edit from the morning after: i would have deleted this entry, but i think there might be something to work with in its meandering manic nature. i feel some of the lines may actually be worth a penny or two. also, far too often am i willing to throw out something i feel to be too vulnerable and embarrassing, so this time i'll just sit on it for awhile and see if it could turn into something viable. art = expression of emotion, so why not keep it?]

are we are we are

fuck it

[][][][][][] like little jail bars

scribble scribbbbbbb keep going kid, it'll get you somewhere.

like the cat

i ran away from home

not here anymore

its been a mess
cold old house, you bastard, you are such a cold old house

and the washer....bullshit

giving this seconds of thought is stupid because such rash decisions lead to foolish afterthought

i'm a fool in a guise

find me out and i'll shoot you, i swear to god.

maybe i just did

boom boom boom

this doesnt even help

my frantic typing

no one is on the other all my other words

the finite words

there are very few left in me

very very few few few

football season is over
football season is over
football season is over
football season is over
football season is over
football season is over
football season is over
football season is over
football season is over over over over over over over over over over over overoveroveroveroveroveroeroveroveroveroveroveroveroverover
football season is over

now i know this and can just breathe in

exhale more words words words

they'll say i was crazy

i know it...and that's not how i wanted it to be pictured

no more kissing no more talking no more smells and touches and finger tips

no more no more no more

no more music no more movies no more springs no more falls no more summers and no more winters...thank god.

here it is...the side that no one glad you're still self-loathing little can keep these secrets for me. they sting and could cause an infection...

rattle rattle rattle

my crib
my bed
my bed with you

we grow up

look more hands

i love love love love love love love love
a booooooooooooooooy

and this is how
the sounds exit my fingertips

it's how they sound when i lose my leash

kisses punches
cold soup for lunches
pebbles and rocks
more minutes on clocks
batteries are low
so now it's time to know
that my mind now feels mute
what a form-fitting suit.

its sad how sad

it's time for you
to get some rest

yeah be cryptic....everyone likes a tortured old sap,

oh they don't?

news to me





you were right

buckle up and let's ride

i go out tonight with style
crazy dramatic lighting style
flickering candles
i go out tonight in style
with choreography

and planned lines
and it all fits
the movies
i wish we had watched together

they are over now
and the scenes are set
for a soul-breaking conclusion.

bye bye bye bye bye eyb eyb eyb eyb eyb

keep the lights on

they'll know someone was home

the cracking snow
the wild howls

the slamming and boom boom boom
and let's then sleep
or you can
i'll watch

take the broken ________ down off the shelf
i'd like to see if i can't make it __________ again.

these keep coming and blurting and my tendons are sore

and they only have one more role left

close the door

close the door

close the door

the door is closed the door is closed the door is closed

i hear movement not alone alone alone

oh mmmmmmmmmyyyyyyyyy yikes and wowza

someone is breaking

these are the crevices that spot my head

always and now and always and now

i loved you on those warm nights with the breeze through the window
and naked bodies under sheets

this is how it goes
to the 1 2 3 4

this is how it goes
to the 4 3 2 1


slimy hands
i miss uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu'']]]][]p[p[pop[][][][][][][][][][][[][][]]]]][[[[]]]][[[[]]]][[[[]]]][[[[]][[]][[]][[]][[]]]]]]]][[[[[[[[][][][][[[]][[]]]][[]][[][][][][[[][][][][]]][][]]][[][][[[[][[[][[[][[[][[[]]][]]][]]][]]][][[][[[][[[][]]][[][[]]]]]]]][][[[[[==-=--0-=-=-=-=-=-==huhyfbbthhjjmliuyuymnmnnmnmcfcvcfcvcfcvcfcvcf vugjkjklllllllllll1l1l1l1l1l1l1l1l1l1l1l1l1l

so blue
i see your sky blue peeking through
and the blue shines through my thoughts of you
blue blue blue

shut up, kid
give it up.
it will never

you are wasting your fingers
trying to find something to feel
when you could just feel.

some in cold blood shit
whos gonna be my church girl
to start the frenzy?

little big little bit im sore from the neck down and these monsters attached to my wrists are the onlt things that i feel like mocing. my eyes closed and typig transcends gramar ans spelling...ket's see how easily this importanit bullentin comes out wiht my blindness serrinf in. i can't hear you baby and now its gone. scared but what the he;; whos the dummy now. gain some weight back and let these thlughts hurt no mor. o reason. just end it and sigh one last night a d leap and try to fly and hope. my last surprise. happy birthday. heres your candle and cake and present/

i know it's
but damn if you
dont need it now.

poof there he goes



[please no standing ovation]

Friday, January 23, 2009

Summer Road Trip

I want to go on an expansive roadtrip this summer. Not sure to where...maybe just driving up and down the Jersey coast. I just want to take a week, get in a car and drive and stop and drive and stop. Spend the days in different locations...going to the beach during the day. Drinking at night. Meeting the creatures that inhabit this melting pot of a state. Under influences and not, tired and alert, drunk and sober, thoughtful and fun...I want it all. I'm going to buy a notebook and write it all down. I think it would be good for me. Figure it all out through aimless travel and documentation. Dirty and hungover and writing writing writing. Go in a group or just with Kevin. Who would be an adventure.

Let's see what Jersey has in store for me.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

The sweetest dream would never do.

I could stay awake
just to hear you breathing.
Watch you smile while you are sleeping,
while you're far away and dreaming.
I could spend my life
in this sweet surrender.
I could stay lost in this moment

So what the shiz is up with me? What is with my tendency to randomly think of songs from like years and years ago and get reobsessed with them? Then I play the living hell outta them and am eventually okay to never hear them again. It's like a relapse into an addiction...ok, well maybe that's a little extreme. Anyway, my dealer this time around is "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith, and damn if it doesn't just sucker me in with it's longingly pleading lyrics, full backing orchestra and Steven Tyler's token scream near the song's conclusion.

Look at that ending...sweet Liv Tyler puts her mits up on the monitor to touch her father's melting face. How touching and what great editing!

Anyway, this cheese anthem was from that so-shitty-it's-(kinda)-good film Armageddon that everyone saw even though it got shitastic reviews and was slammed as being completely improbable. I'm ashamed to say that my desire to watch this overproduced juggernaut of box office tyranny may be just the thing to push me to finally get Netflix.

Also, I wish I had the MP3 of that Aerosmith song. I've been listening to it on YouTube because my free plays on Last.FM ran out, yet since I'm a nerd festival, I still want it to scrobble onto my account! Oh the burdens of my life.

And I must not leave out that while browsing and fact-hunting Wikipedia and YouTube for info on this song, I was reminded of how one of my favorite American Idol loserz, Antonella "Least Slutty Person I Know" Barba warbled her way through it during the semifinals of season six. Just for kicks I thought I'd post her mediocre and occasionally painful interpretation of the song. I hope her vibrato doesn't shake lose the equilibrium fluid in your ears too badly and cause you to get vertigo.

...I do like how she ends the song though! [I'm ashamed of myself]

Lying close to you,
feeling your heart beating,
and I'm wondering what you're dreaming,
wondering if it's me you're seeing.
Then I kiss your eyes
and thank God we're together.

SORRY! I had to post another chunk of emotionally soaked and dripping lyrics! It's how I rolllllllll.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

I saw my reflection in a snow-covered hill.

What is it about "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac that puts me in such a sadly reflective and nostalgic frame of mind? It makes me feel emotionally torn apart yet oddly calm and rationally logical. Clear-headed and confused. It makes me feel like a living oxymoron! I highly suggest before starting to read the rest of this entry that you play the posted video and listen to the song in the background (you know...ambiance is half the blogging experience!)

Okay, so now that the mood is sent, I feel more comfortable slipping into this unavoidable bout of contemplation. I start my internship/part-time job in two days and I feel so unspeakably excited that I can't...speak about it. Nah, seriously though, I feel that this is going to be a very beneficial and gratifying experience for myself. It's finally a chance to prove to the world (and most importantly, myself) that I am more than what I currently have come to accept as myself. With this winter came much brooding and much overthinking. Much sadness has come and gone through my life since the New Year and many emotions have finally reached a point of release. It all comes down to just simply letting go once in awhile. Not holding onto unnecessary problems or issues that will only further exasperate the worries in my life. While the future is important to look into, we can't spend our time focusing on and concerning ourselves with the uncertainty that our lives hold for us. We cannot predict what will come our way, good or bad; all we can really do is emotionally prepare ourselves for whatever it is that will be brought to us, and know that no matter what, we all can make it.

This job is coming at a good time for me. I'm reaching a level of self-realization, understanding that there are parts of my being that need some maturing. My emotions have kept me hostage since I was little, and there has to be a switch of control -- I need to take my fears and worries by the horns and pin them against the wall. There is no need to fret as often as I do over certain topics. Things always have a way of working themselves out, and frightening myself with "what if"s and similarly detrimental and trivial questions will not do me (nor my loved ones) any good. I am a caring and loving person and I need to begin to accept this positive side of myself as being worthy enough of my own respect. Far too often have I become discouraged and irritated with myself for being as easily wounded as I am. Starting now I need to be happy that I am as open and emotionally receptive as I am. I care a lot about many people and while others should appreciate such support, I of all people should appreciate it and find happiness and comfort within myself. It's only when we can make ourselves happy that we can make those we care about happy. And I'm happy to say that I finally am starting to feel comfortable spending time alone in my own skin.

The new year started off kind of rocky, but things are flattening out now and I'm happy to say that I am still in love and I'm still as sensitive as an infant's palm, but that I can now handle these vigorous heartbeats with much more grace.

Am I scared that my new job will be intense and that I will be losing and eventually missing my free time? Of course. But it's my time to get strong and move forward with my life. I'm not turning anyone away from me except for my own childish fears of changing. I have so many wonderful things going for me that I need to appreciate. Family, friends, my love, shelter, food, monetary income...I have more than many and need to take it easy and know that some issues I am currently concerned with will all work out if I give them a chance to. I admit it...I can smother and it's a habit I need to revise, for both those I love and for myself.

I know I'm a loving and caring person and that's really all I can be. And I know that being this way will eventually provide me in return with the warmth we all crave during these extra cold nights. And hell, if for some reason it doesn't, I know I will still have myself and I can take comfort in knowing what I deserve.

This entry once had a point but I've kind of lost track of it. Let me end this saying that I'm excited for the job and I'm excited for this reevaluation of myself. Please be patient while I get this all together, because it will soon and then it will all be worth it.

My dear blogging audience, wish me luck on Tuesday and let's all try to make 2009 a year based on positivity and harmony (both internal and external).

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Saturday, January 17, 2009


Before I go to work I should:

A) Go to laundromat.
B) Clean the house.
C) Watch Arrested Development.
D) Eat peach cobbler.
E) A & B
F) C & D

yeah...i'ma go with F...

Thursday, January 15, 2009

And the shitstorm begins.

So as I mentioned on Tuesday, American Idol started up again, and as anyone who has even vaguely known me is aware of, I am dangerously addicted to this fucking show. And I don't mean like Tic-Tacs in Juno/"Twilight" fangirls/GAYmers addicted...but more like crackhead Amy Winehouse-gonna-steal-drinks-from-hotel-guests-cuz-I've-lost-my-mind addicted. The first episode was a glorious two hours long...aka like an hour and 40 minutes considering all the goddamn commercials they forcefeed us. There were some good contestants I guess: Some girl with crazy punker hair was okay, as was this boring tween who sings to old people and then lastly there was some blind dude that they were pimping in previews throughout the entire expanse of the show...he was aight too. There were bad ones as well like that fucking annoying pink cowboy hat bitch who aspires to be a knock-off singer/songwriter like Kara DioGuardi, that epileptic dancing man who sang about cactus or something and the bikini slut who actually got through, but reeks so thoroughly of FAIL that I refuse to believe her golden ticket isn't forged and invalid.

And with the revival of Idol another one of my most favorite things in the world has come back into my life: TELEVISION WITHOUT PITY commentary on AMERICAN IDOL. LOVES LOVES LOVES LOVES LOVES LOVES LOVES LOVES IT! Here are some of my favorite exerts from the recap of the first episode:

"Eight cities, 100K auditioners and I'm sure 90% of them are mentally ill or developmentally disabled, I guess we'll find out. There's a crazy girl crying and hugging Paula Abdul and then a bunch of people committing suicide on Paula Abdul's lawn..."

"She's a hitmaking machine -- Jewel, Cake, PCD, and Celine Dion -- who chose to avoid the threat of Michelle Branch and Vanessa Carlton, and just make her millions off ASCAP instead."

"What an ass. If you want to be unemployed and unlikeable, just be yourself."

"You know that graphic designer thing where you make lemonade out of your tragic face using quirky vintage suit jackets and square glasses, and it makes you seem hot from far away? Like suddenly he could get you a really good table at the bottle lounge just by texting somebody, and his underwear costs more than your entire outfit?"

"Stevie Wright (16, Phelan, CA) was named for Stevie Nicks and may or may not be pretty."

"So now Paula is all up in arms, Kara's singing angrily, Paula's screaming at the girl for being a bitch and screaming at Kara that she doesn't need to prove anything to this dipshit, and Kara's just going off on her, and the girl stares at the chaos she's unleashed with this pitch-perfect Mean Girl grin she's been perfecting since the third grade when her mom went on Paxil..."

"Deanna Brown (25, Louisville) has Pickler Mouth but it comes off cute instead of retarded..."

"...everybody's mother and aunt and grandmother watching immediately starts crying salty rivers of tears that cascade across the floor and out the door and into the street carrying little paper boats on which children with cancer have written their dreams downstream like it's Magic Realism Day..."

check out the rest of the awesomeness at!!!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Favorite Idol Performances

So in honor of the new season of my favorite thing in the entire world ever, AMERICAN IDOL, which starts tonight, I decided that I would jog my memory, toggle through YouTube and find/post my favorite performances from the show during its last seven seasons.

Season 1: Kelly Clarkson - "Stuff Like That There"

So duh, Kelly Clarkson is phenomenal and perfect in every way. Her voice is one of the most powerful in the current state of pop music and her humble and down-to-Earth demeanor only adds to her unmistakable charm. Hell, even when everyone was bugging the balls out over My December, which I thought was amazing, she kept her composure and moved on. This, in my opinion, was her best performance on Idol. She really took the concept of "Big Band Week" and ran with it, dressing the part, singing the part and really getting into the vibe of this classic style of music. And all those damn lyrics! Shit, I pride myself in being able to memorize and recite ridiculously complex and fast-paced songs, but this is just outta control. LOVES HER and can't wait to love her new album.

Season 3: Jennifer Hudson - "Weekend In New England"

Everyone can fuck off and chut up! I loved J-Hud way before all that Dreamgirls shit and before everyone in the YouTube world started recording themselves singing "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going". I loved her from her first audition and was rooting for her to wipe the floor with that stupid bitch Fantasia. When she got voted off I think I heaved and cried and threw a tantrum or something. I remember I was pissed off she went home instead of that dumbass Diana DeGoingToProm or the one-trick-pony Rat-Pack wannabe John Stevens. Anyway, this was her crowning glory in my eyes...even though everyone thought that her "Circle of Life" was her best. @ 1:33 she starts to belt and she keeps belting and belting and belting and it's almost as amazing as the fact that Jasmine "Flower Power" Trias made it to the top 3.

Season 5: Melissa McGhee - "Lately"

No one remembers this chick. Dear, dear Melissa "Stripper Face" McGhee never made it past the top 12 during season 5, which was hands down my favorite season yet. She never was really given a chance to show much of a personality and compared to the sluttiness seductiveness of Katharine McPhee and the mindless bimbo appeal of Kellie Pickler, poor Melissa just seems kind of boring. However, this performance during Stevie Wonder week was both well-done and memorable. Not only did she sing it effectively (with her husky raw tone), but she fucked up the lyrics to such a terrible extent...THREE times. Not only did she mess them up in front of the legendary Mr. Wonder himself, but she butchered "premonition" to sound like "regerishonishes"... TWICE! Now this entanglement of the English language has become a staple in the jokebook of my mind, but in all fairness, she did a decent job and I especially love the double run she did at the very end of the song.

Season 6: LaKisha Jones - "This Ain't a Love Song"

Ok...during the beginning of this season she was a little fug, but KiKi got some style and worked her way into my heart with her powerhouse performances. This song during Bon Jovi week was her comeback performance (even though she went onto getting voted off the next week), and it was soulful and strong like everything else she had done on the show...but what truly made this moment memorable was the awkward makeout session that took place between the diva and Simon Cowell towards the end of the clip.

Season 7: David Cook - "Always Be My Baby"

This eventually winner of season 7 always kind of got under my skin with his faux-rawker attitude and his obnoxiously over-done product hair and his snarls. David Cook, or "Jowls" as I like to call him, seemed almost like a cardboard cutout duplicate of Chris Daughtry and he just rubbed me the wrong way. However, during Mariah Carey week, he did a dark and semi-threatening of Mimi's "Always Be My Baby" that was pretty damn on-point. His reinterpretation of the song really brought out a new side to it and gave it a raw and dangerous feeling to it that I really dug. When he holds "LINGER OOOOOOOOON" at the very end, I admit, I got chills. However, my favorite part of the video is during the intro clip where Mariah starts to babble all crazy about something or other and then begins to sing along with David and try and brag about how she is basically the best songwriter/singer/person ever. She is cracked.

Season 7: Syesha Mercado - "One Rock 'N Roll Too Many"

The beautiful Nubian goddess of season 7 was the picturesque Syesha [Super]Mercado. She performed this track during Andrew Lloyd Weber week and thank God she did something that was dire and depressing like all the other contestants did. There's only so much Phantom of the Opera and Evita covers that someone can take. I don't remember the musical that this track came has to do with singing trains or something...I'm serious. If you're paying attention you can notice that she starts the song a little too early, but then, like a smartly trained singer, gets herself back on track with the next line. I love the red dress. I love the piano straddling. I love the flirting with the guitarist and conductor. This performance was very reminiscent of the Kelly video I posted before, with the contestant not just singing, but actually "performing" a musician.

Of course...none of these performers compare to the love of my American Idol life, Elliott Yamin. I was quite honestly enamored with Mr. Yamin throughout all of the 5th season and I couldn't pick a performance of his to just watch the entire playlist I have linked to his name...shut up, and just do it.

Well that's it for now...I just got the rabbit ears working on my TV so I am all ready to try and muster through the static and fall back into my sickly obsession.

Bye bye world...see you in 5 months.

You've got to give them hope.

In the past, my taste in cinema tended to be limited to the big name blockbusters or the latest cheap horror flick. Basically my options were limited to whatever was achieving large screen numbers across the country and thus were available at the nearby AMC theater. But with my location being in Hopewell, a mere 15 minutes from Princeton, I have found myself visiting the cute little two screen independent nickelodeon on mainstreet. Much to the delight of my little indie heart, much smaller and less spotlighted films are shown the light of day. Therefore my tastes in the movie world has, I guess, matured to a certain extent and I am happy to say that the last three films I have seen were all outstanding not in a crappy romantic comedy way, or because they satisfied my bloodlust for violence and horror, but instead because they are [SHOCK!] great films.

I saw Milk which was absolutely phenomenal. Of course, as everyone is aware of, Sean Penn did an incredible job. The film itself though was well-done and was jarring both in a political sense and on a deeper personal level. While I was very engrossed by the details as to how the late Harvey Milk quite literally changed civil rights, I must admit that it was his tortured relationship with his long-time estranged ex-boyfriend, played by James Franco, that really got my tear ducts a-leaking. When a visibly longing Milk utters "I don't want to miss this" to his ex, my heart exploded/melted/broke and all the other verbs used to describe a heart completely and utterly overwhelmed by an emotional situation. Here is a quite accurate Microsoft Paint portrait of our theater during one of the many painfully beautiful scenes in the film:

I also saw Doubt, which gets a B for its story and production and direction, but definitely did feature some of the most incredible performances I've seen in a long time. The wonderful Meryl Streep was amazing, as was Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Though some parts were undeniably a little dry, their superb acting made the film a success in my eyes.

Lastly, I saw Slumdog Millionaire two nights ago, and good can a movie get? Drama, action, social commentary, romance...this film literally had it all and succeeded in every sense of the word. The overarching theme of believing in destiny and holding onto the truth that things work themselves out eventually, as long as patience is kept sacred, is a very reassuring and beautiful concept that made the film extremely moving. A fun little side note, while I was viewing the film, it was actually winning the Golden Globe award for Best Picture at the same time. I must be good luck. friend Laura contacted me a few days ago about seeing that upcoming wannabe-scary-but-will-just-end-up-being-funny movie The Unborn. I guess that will probably end my streak of only seeing high-quality motion pictures, but I had a good run, I must say.

Friday, January 9, 2009

I could float here instead.

I really need to get more music by Maria Mena. I first heard of her while in high school and her very silly but endearing song "You're the Only One" was played like two times on 94.5(back when it was 97.5)PST. Well I downloaded the song and that was that. But then going to college and the introduction of Direct Connect, I downloaded a handful of assorted songs of her's and became quite obsessed. A rather big success in her home-country of Norway, she failed to really have much chart power in the United States. I think she is absolutely fabulous with sincere and very confessional-based lyrics. Her voice has this deep and rounded texture to it that is really unique and puts her more alongside artists like Regina Spektor and Tori Amos than more mainstream pop princesses. Having a bad day? Curl up and put on "Sorry" or "Calm Under the Waves". It will hurt, but feel so good as well.

Want something less somber? Try "Fragile (Free)" and the expertly goofy aforementioned "You're the Only One" (read the lyrics...ha!).

And she is absolutely beautiful. LOVES HER!

I think I have a problem, I think I think too much.

[ps... I felt inclined to write this blog while driving back from the laundromat, and posted it while sitting in my car in my driveway. I. Am. Strange.]

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Blabbering in the morning.

Early morning and I can't get back to sleep. Work in a bit. A double that I will despise within my first hour of being there. I have some things racing through my head and maybe if I write a bit it will all calm down.

- Haven't been sleeping well lately. Waking up really early and not being able to relax and go to back to bed. Stress-induced insomnia = bullshit.

- I finally have a job interview tomorrow in New York. The Bronx to be exact. Here's to not getting lost/murdered/hysterical on the 1.5 hour train/subway ride!

- When I'm sad or confused, putting on quiet songs and typing out the lyrics is slightly therapeutic. Doesn't get rid of bad feelings but it does provide some of a release. I suggest everyone try it.

- My cat Mowgli disappeared Christmas Eve, just to be returned to me the first day of the New Year. Very happy about that, but now he and my other cat Hermanita fight like rabid psychos everyday...and not play fighting. Like legit hissing, scratching, I'm-a-cut-you-bitch fighting. At all hours of the night I hear screeching and thumping and hell breaking loose all over the house.

- Kevin and I went to Yoga last night. I really enjoyed it and found it to be calming and wonderfully sublime. The whole basis of the practice, that we must find peace within ourselves in order for ourselves to find peace in the rest of the world is a concept that I've be wrestling with recently. I want to go back.

All my doubts fill my head
cascading up and down again
up and down around again,
down and up and down again.

A fortune teller says
"Maybe you'll go to hell,"
but I'm not scared at all.

Loves just needs a witness
and a little old forgiveness
and a halo of patience
and a less sporadic pace.
I'm learning to be brave
in my beautiful mistakes.

There's broken mirrors
and a black cat's cold stare
and a walk under ladders.
On my way to hell
I'll meet you there.
But I'm not scared at all.

-- "Crystal Ball" by P!nk

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

The color ink is low?!

For the past year or so I have found myself quite obsessed with the videos of online critic/comedian/filmmaker/personality James Rolfe, also sometimes known as the Angry Video Game Nerd. His crude and verbally abrasive critiques of old-school video games always bust my gut and are a refreshing escape from the progressively terrifying truth that I'm living in the "real world" now. Anyway, I meandered my way onto his personal video production and hosting website (Cinemassacre) and discovered a series of videos he made entitled You Know What's Bullshit?.

My favorite clip hands down is the one posted below on the devilish fuckdemon of everyone of our generation - the bane of any poor schmuck who is marathon writing a 20-page college essay in the library before it closes, the lemon that sucks the hard-earned cash out of me and fellow writers' tattered pockets, the antithesis of the notion that technology will make our lives easier and stressless - THE MOTHEREFFING PRINTER. Difficult, obnoxious and what seems to be perpetually broken and/or out of ink, I've wrestled many a time with this Diablo of the computer-literate community. No, I don't want to run an ink test. No, I don't want to restart my document queue line. NO, I DON'T WANT TO GET MY HANDS DIRTY BY HAVING TO REACH INTO YOUR GODDAMN SCREAMING YAPPER AND RIP REAMS OF SHREDDED JAMMED PAPER OUT, SO STOP FUCKING BLINKING THAT RED LIGHT, YOU MEAN HATEFUL BITCH. Phew...feeling better now. Lighter...less angry. Just until the next time I press Ctrl+P and put myself through the ringer again.

Anyway, I hope you too can find solace in the wise words of Mr. Rolfe:

Click HERE for the rest of his You Know What's Bullshit? series.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Indy Hall

I don't know how I stumbled upon this place, but while surfing the interwebz I came across this place called Independents Hall (clever right?) that works like some sort of reservation-based community office space that's laid out beautifully with desks and boardrooms and all sorts of other good office stuff. It's like a haven for anyone that occasionally needs to dip into the world of office work, without having to commit to the feared 9-to-5s that many dread. Pretty sweet and it makes me wish I lived in Philadelphia and had a reason to use it, just so I could.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

So this is the new year...

...and do I feel any different? A good question, but a stupid one. A single number changes on the calendar. That's all. Why such an emphasis on the passing of 365 days? I guess we as humans like to have beginnings and endings. We like to think we can start over. That something can end, but only when something can begin. I have had plenty of these this year. Relationships endings and new ones beginning. Pains being put in the past and love in the future. All that schtuff. I've grown, but still have so much left to do. Jobs have yet to make me feel validated and my perpetual state as a server is frustrating. But what is the point in reflecting so negatively on such situations. I have it better than most. I have money, a home, family, friends and a someone. It is so hard sometimes to think positively about our lives. But hey, it's the new year. What better time to stop crying and simply start living? I find resolutions to be slightly irritating...why focus on one thing to fix over the year? Why not just become a better person. Whatever that may entail, just do it and let it be enough. That's my resolution: Make this all matter. Life is too short to let the problems we face everyday and the painful feelings we let rule our minds knock us so far down. I am very lucky. I know this now. I can honestly say that everything is worth it, and I love so much that these rantings end up sounding beautiful to me. I'm so lucky that I could cry, but that would be an incongruity in my "resolution".

Let's be strong, safe and happy in 2009.

Love you all.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

i need to get out of here
for some time.
i'll figure out where
while i'm going.
and if i don't make it back,
then just say with a laugh,
that it's only just another
one of my rhymes.