Saturday, February 19, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
But I totally get the V-Day bluez. It sucks having happy couples fart their love stench all up into the meloncholy noses of the singlez. And since I am a relationshit
1. Always use social networking sitez to find your significant otherz. I found mah boyfriend of 3 yearz on MySpace. Sure, they might become a huge prick after a year and you won't have a romantic and cute story to share of how you met, but it's easy!
2. On a first date dinner outing, always make sure you inundate the conversation with your highly formed opinions on music, books, movies, ego, art, opinion & commerce!
3. In conjunction with #2, get up & walk out of the restaurant if your date says something blatantly false about pop culture [IE: that "Baby One More Time" was Britney Spears' first single or that Lady Gaga has had more than 2 #1 singlez].
4. Be insecure wiff how you look & constantly seek validation from your significant other. Make sure to ask them no less than 3 timez a day if they find you attractive and never believe them.
5. Become inexplicably inpatient & mean when your significant other doesn't immediately respond to your pointless texxxt messages.
6. Never actually talk to your lurrrved one about how you feel. Instead, just quote song lyrix you know they don't know. Then when they say they don't know the song, get furious with them.
7. Always think they are cheating on you...even if they spend 99% of their time wiff you. Cuz you know, that 1% of the time is probably spent sleeping wiff yo best friend/mom/dad/sibling/not you.
8. When watching a movie together @ home that your boifriend/grrrlfriend wants to watch that you are uninterested in, fall asleep wiffin the first 2 minutez.
9. If your significant other does sumfing that annoys you, don't look it over (no matter how small). Call them out, start a huge fight, cry and then blame them for starting the argument.
10. Finally, probe non-stop into their sexxxual history and force them to tell you every minute detail about every person they've bounced bits with. When meeting a friend of theirs, alwayz assume they've been inside them and don't believe it when they say they haven't.
There we go! My ten tipz on how to bag & keep your perfect Valentine! Do you have any other pointerz I may have forgotten? Now if you will exxxcuse me, I have to go listen to Sara Bareilles' "Basket Case" on repeat and think of a love life I will never know!
Monday, February 7, 2011
Wow...how red hawt is dat shiz?! It seemz to me that Meagan (who should totez adopt mah petname Senorita Caliente as her official alias), is set to become the new Willa Ford. The talentless slutty white grrrl popstar neeeeedz to make a comeback!! Sure, that reggaeton-tinged rapper is entertaining [read as: terrifying & incoherent], but Princess Caliente's sexxxy red mop & gorg pancake face totez stealz the show.
Do you also want to be rojo caliente?! Well, you betta use your platinum card [feat. endless charge] to get some bling-bling on expensive thingz! Not rich enough? Well, just
hijack a schedule a photoshoot for a magazine and pout your glazed lips and wink your druggy eyez @ the camera. SENSUAL! Oh...you're ugly AND poor [see: me]? Well then, just swindle ur way [aka sleep ur way] into the nearest club's VIP room and order grey goose & Cristal [aka Majorska & boxxxed piss] for errrbody! INSTANT ROJO CALIENTENESS!
Wow...tanx Senorita Caliente for letting me know that I too can be a dizzzzgusting money-hungry slut! Wow...she's so inspirational [aka corny as wut-wut]!
Sunday, February 6, 2011
✔ Black Swan - Ballerina gets role of a lifetime and loses her shit.
❒ The Fighter - ____________________________
✔ Inception - Peepz crack into the unconcious mind and fuck shit up.
✔ The Kids Are All Right - Spawn of lesbian couple hunt down their incredibly sexxxy father.
✔ The King’s Speech - Duke of York becomes king, sucks at talking, gets help.
❒ 127 Hours - ____________________________
✔ The Social Network - Guy who kinda sucks kinda steals idea for Internet phenomenon.
✔ Toy Story 3 - Army of forgotten toys fart about and make audiences bawl.
❒ True Grit - ____________________________
❒ Winter’s Bone - ____________________________
I think it's gonna come down to The King's Speech & The Social Network snagging the trophy. Although, The Black Swan does have the artsy underdawg feel to it, so I wouldn't be surprised if that swiped that little golden man.
What about you?! Which of deez films have you seen dis year? Which were your favorites? Have you seen Winter's Bone, True Grit, The Fighter or 127 Hours and have a 10-word synopsis you'd like to enlighten us wiff? C'mon and share...dis is a blog of giving!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
However, turnz out that gym ratz are not in fact douchebagz, but actually nice people! One even offered to teach me how to work this confusing Rubik's Cube of a work-out machine when he noticed me blinking in wonder at it. NICE!
And while that might be vileplume, the gym is sure to place an industrial-sized barrel of hand-sanitizer every 5 feet to ensure constant cleanliness. Sure, that translucent alcohol-based soap-substitute might dry the fuzz outta my hands, but dammit if they don't reek of spic-n-span tidiness!
Wheel Of Fortune Is Everyone's Favorite TV Show
But outta all deez choicez...what is the #1 show peepz watch while burning off their thigh fat via stationary biking? Wheel of Fucking Fortune. I especially love the people that play along and start showing out answerz [feat. immediately looking around feeling embarrassed when they remember they are in a public location].
But maybe it's the fact that I've gained confirned (thanks largely to the fact that all the teaserz and rude boys that made fun of me in high school are now all pudgy and working at gas stations/convenience storez), but shedding mi ropa in the NYSC locka room was not as traumitizing as I expected! I'd much rather strip in front of deez rando musclemen than in front of friendz or people I actually know or feel comfortable in front of (yeah...guyz must love to date me).
"BuT JoOoOoOoSh...ExErCisInG is WaaaAaay ToOoO DiFFiCuLT! I DoN'T KnOw HoW tO Do iT!" SHUT UP whoever says this to me! I too was under the impression that the terrifying contraptions in the gym would be impossible to use. And while some are mindfucks to figure out, it turnz out that the majority of the machines are mad simple. Pull this. Run here. Climb these steps. Shove ur dawgz here & peddle. EASY!
I just assume the muscle-brained beautiful people are staring @ pictures of derrrriciouz freshly baked bread and contemplating their next carb-splurge. But what do I read while werking out?! Nuffin'! I'm too busy looking at myself in the full-length mirrors, squinting and trying to pretend I look like dis: