Saturday, February 19, 2011

I'm not dead, I'm just floating.

No need to worry any longer dear non-existent readerz. I ain't dead yet. And I do apologize for the lack of posting recently. A combination of heavy working, apartment-hunting & life-living has led me to have very little time to commit to quality posting.

I will be turning 25 in a week [feat. 1 day], which means my life is a quarter over more or less. It meanz that I am getting older & that I am at a huge turning point in mah st00pid little vida. Wiffin the next few months, I will be completely uprooting my azz and finally taking the terrifying freefall dive that is known as moving to Nueva York.

I am exxxtremely nervous, but realize this is what I have to do for mah jerb, love life & overall happiness. It's gon' be a crazzzy learning exxxperience & I for supa serial hope y'all will kiss me & smile for me & tell me that you'll wait for me while I try to get mah shiz together. Josh Is Trashy isn't being buried just yet, but it is gonna have to take a backseat while I sort out all that is unsorted in my life.

Keep checking back once y awhile. I'll still be here. Stay sa$$y. Mwuahz!

Sunday, February 13, 2011

10 Tips to Get You a Valentine

Valentine's Day is tomorrow. This means anyone that actively uses the Interwebz for any social networking will be divided up into tres categories: 1) Peepz in relationshitz that post about their LuRrRrVeD one like anyone gives a shhh...; 2) Single peepz who incessantly whine about being alone and proclaiming that they don't care about Valentine's Day when they so obviously do; 3) Peepz like me who roll their eyez @ both groups and thinks the fact that peepz get so exxxcited about such a fake holiday is irritating.

But I totally get the V-Day bluez. It sucks having happy couples fart their love stench all up into the meloncholy noses of the singlez. And since I am a relationshit victim exxxpert, I thought I'd share some quick pointerz on how to find a lova & how to keep them ensnared in your clutchez.

1. Always use social networking sitez to find your significant otherz. I found mah boyfriend of 3 yearz on MySpace. Sure, they might become a huge prick after a year and you won't have a romantic and cute story to share of how you met, but it's easy!

2. On a first date dinner outing, always make sure you inundate the conversation with your highly formed opinions on music, books, movies, ego, art, opinion & commerce!

3. In conjunction with #2, get up & walk out of the restaurant if your date says something blatantly false about pop culture [IE: that "Baby One More Time" was Britney Spears' first single or that Lady Gaga has had more than 2 #1 singlez].

4. Be insecure wiff how you look & constantly seek validation from your significant other. Make sure to ask them no less than 3 timez a day if they find you attractive and never believe them.

5. Become inexplicably inpatient & mean when your significant other doesn't immediately respond to your pointless texxxt messages.

6. Never actually talk to your lurrrved one about how you feel. Instead, just quote song lyrix you know they don't know. Then when they say they don't know the song, get furious with them.

7. Always think they are cheating on you...even if they spend 99% of their time wiff you. Cuz you know, that 1% of the time is probably spent sleeping wiff yo best friend/mom/dad/sibling/not you.

8. When watching a movie together @ home that your boifriend/grrrlfriend wants to watch that you are uninterested in, fall asleep wiffin the first 2 minutez.

9. If your significant other does sumfing that annoys you, don't look it over (no matter how small). Call them out, start a huge fight, cry and then blame them for starting the argument.

10. Finally, probe non-stop into their sexxxual history and force them to tell you every minute detail about every person they've bounced bits with. When meeting a friend of theirs, alwayz assume they've been inside them and don't believe it when they say they haven't.

There we go! My ten tipz on how to bag & keep your perfect Valentine! Do you have any other pointerz I may have forgotten? Now if you will exxxcuse me, I have to go listen to Sara Bareilles' "Basket Case" on repeat and think of a love life I will never know!

Monday, February 7, 2011

My Monday Muse

Senorita Caliente

Last year I carelessly seduced all you foolz wiff a little lovey dovey ditty entitled "Pardon Me" that was performed by the apple of your eye airplane stewardess of tus sueños, Maxine Swaby. But that shiz, while timeless, is sOOoOOOooo 2010! For 2011 we need an exciting new anthem [read as: sumfing delightfully crappy that actually is a few yearz old]. We need a song that we spice up our livez and charm our undarooz off. And that's why, wiffout further ado, I present to y'all, "Rojo Caliente": red hawt is dat shiz?! It seemz to me that Meagan (who should totez adopt mah petname Senorita Caliente as her official alias), is set to become the new Willa Ford. The talentless slutty white grrrl popstar neeeeedz to make a comeback!! Sure, that reggaeton-tinged rapper is entertaining [read as: terrifying & incoherent], but Princess Caliente's sexxxy red mop & gorg pancake face totez stealz the show.

Do you also want to be rojo caliente?! Well, you betta use your platinum card [feat. endless charge] to get some bling-bling on expensive thingz! Not rich enough? Well, just hijack a schedule a photoshoot for a magazine and pout your glazed lips and wink your druggy eyez @ the camera. SENSUAL!'re ugly AND poor [see: me]? Well then, just swindle ur way [aka sleep ur way] into the nearest club's VIP room and order grey goose & Cristal [aka Majorska & boxxxed piss] for errrbody! INSTANT ROJO CALIENTENESS!

Wow...tanx Senorita Caliente for letting me know that I too can be a dizzzzgusting money-hungry slut! Wow...she's so inspirational [aka corny as wut-wut]!

Sunday, February 6, 2011

The Best Picture Battle

So the Oscars are almost here! The movie industry's biggest night! It's where childhood dreamz become a reality! Where our favo starz are honored. Where crossed American Idol contestants get their just dessertz! And I can't wait!

The show is on 2.27 [aka mah birfday!!] and in preparation, I am desperately trying to see all of the filmz nominated for Best Picture. Since the Academy is trying to exxxpand the playing field & include filmz of overlooked genres is trying to make mi vida even hawder, starting wiff last year, they have bumped the nominees from 5 filmz to 10!!!

So far, I've seen 6. And I am dizzyappointed cuz I desperately wanted to be able to recap all ten for you. But since I need sumfing to blog about today I love class participation, I'll take a stab @ summarizing the six filmz I've seen just ten werdz & leave it to you bloggy readerz to summarize the 4 I haven't yet seen!

✔ Black Swan - Ballerina gets role of a lifetime and loses her shit.

❒ The Fighter - ____________________________

✔ Inception - Peepz crack into the unconcious mind and fuck shit up.

✔ The Kids Are All Right - Spawn of lesbian couple hunt down their incredibly sexxxy father.

✔ The King’s Speech - Duke of York becomes king, sucks at talking, gets help.

❒ 127 Hours - ____________________________

✔ The Social Network - Guy who kinda sucks kinda steals idea for Internet phenomenon.

✔ Toy Story 3 - Army of forgotten toys fart about and make audiences bawl.

❒ True Grit - ____________________________

❒ Winter’s Bone - ____________________________

I think it's gonna come down to The King's Speech & The Social Network snagging the trophy. Although, The Black Swan does have the artsy underdawg feel to it, so I wouldn't be surprised if that swiped that little golden man.

What about you?! Which of deez films have you seen dis year? Which were your favorites? Have you seen Winter's Bone, True Grit, The Fighter or 127 Hours and have a 10-word synopsis you'd like to enlighten us wiff? C'mon and share...dis is a blog of giving!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Up in da gym just werking on mah fitness...

So it is the beginning of February. And you know what that meanz?! My birfday is in less than 27 days! What else? That there's only a week and a half until Valentine's Day where couples annoy the hell outta me by flaunting their lurrrve and singlez annoy the hell outta me by whining about how they're alone. What else?!?! How about that the beginning of February 2011 marks the end of my free January trial at the New York Sportz Club!!!!!!!

As some of you may know, David Pastelneoncake is an exercise-aholic. He goes every day and does a bajillion push-upz every night before going to sleep. And being such a fan of physical activity, he drop-kicked mah azz into a 30 gym membership. And what can I say...I LOVED IT!!!

It's mah goal to get thinner for attention more toned & in-shape so casting agents and model scoutz attack me on the subway and give me money to become famous. And the only way to do that is to go to the gym 3+ timez a week. Not only did I learn just how weak I really am (my upper body strength falls somewhere between that of a baby and an armless amputee), but I also was able to do some preliminary exercises and actually started seeing some resultz!

And to all those naysayers that pishposh all ova the gym, I thought I'd share wiff y'all some of the great tingz I learned after my 30-day gym fun time membership festival!

Muscle Men Aren't Mean Judgemental Assholez After All!

Tanx to a potent combination of television and ridicule by the asshole jockz of mah high school yearz, I always feared joining a gym and then being mocked mercilessly by all the beef jerkying chowda headz [read as: guyz that work out a lot].

However, turnz out that gym ratz are not in fact douchebagz, but actually nice people! One even offered to teach me how to work this confusing Rubik's Cube of a work-out machine when he noticed me blinking in wonder at it. NICE!

Hand-Sanitizer Is the Greatest Thing On Earth

I like to think of myself as a reasonably clean person. I mean, I always scrub my mitts and dispose of dirrty tissuez when I am done snotting into them. But cleanliness has taken on a WHOLE new meaning for me since I started going to the gym! Nearly every surface at the gym more or less glistens in a not so subtle layer of perspiration.

And while that might be vileplume, the gym is sure to place an industrial-sized barrel of hand-sanitizer every 5 feet to ensure constant cleanliness. Sure, that translucent alcohol-based soap-substitute might dry the fuzz outta my hands, but dammit if they don't reek of spic-n-span tidiness!

Wheel Of Fortune
Is Everyone's Favorite TV Show

There is a limitless number of showz on television to choose from. Want to watch crappy people sing poorly? Watch American Idol. Want to watch autotuned stereotypes sing well? Watch Glee. Want to feel better about your low IQ? Watch Kendra. Want to watch expertly written dark comedies that a plump with emotion and still a juicy amount of humor? Watch & The Big C & United States of Tara. Want to watch a boring crime investigation show? Watch any CSI: Special Butthole Unit.

But outta all deez choicez...what is the #1 show peepz watch while burning off their thigh fat via stationary biking? Wheel of Fucking Fortune. I especially love the people that play along and start showing out answerz [feat. immediately looking around feeling embarrassed when they remember they are in a public location].

Being Nakerz In Front Of Strangers Is Less Awkward Than Being Nakerz In Front of People You Know

What I hated most about high school gym was how we were forced to strip down to our undarooz in front of all of our better-built p33rz. I was so against stripping in front of all those assholez, that I actually would try and wear sweatpants [feat. my gym shorts underneath] to school on the days when we had gym instead of Health class.

But maybe it's the fact that I've gained confirned (thanks largely to the fact that all the teaserz and rude boys that made fun of me in high school are now all pudgy and working at gas stations/convenience storez), but shedding mi ropa in the NYSC locka room was not as traumitizing as I expected! I'd much rather strip in front of deez rando musclemen than in front of friendz or people I actually know or feel comfortable in front of (yeah...guyz must love to date me).

Exercising Is Not Complicated Or Hard

One thing that I absolutely can't stand is when p33pz complain about shiz in their lives yet do nuffin' to remedy the problemaz. And yes, I am a hypocrite. And one of the main formz that this annoyance takes life is when people complain about being outta shape. Like, if you don't want to exercise, that's coo'. But don't whine about it all the time. Get ur nalgaz to the gym if you're unhappy.

"BuT JoOoOoOoSh...ExErCisInG is WaaaAaay ToOoO DiFFiCuLT! I DoN'T KnOw HoW tO Do iT!" SHUT UP whoever says this to me! I too was under the impression that the terrifying contraptions in the gym would be impossible to use. And while some are mindfucks to figure out, it turnz out that the majority of the machines are mad simple. Pull this. Run here. Climb these steps. Shove ur dawgz here & peddle. EASY!

Home-Centric Craft Magazinez Are the Most Popular Magazines In the World

You'd think to see piles and piles of Buttered Muscle Chop Magazine & Throbbing Bicep Monthly stacked up in front of all the bicyclists/weight-lifterz/squat-squatterz to keep dem focused on their fitness. But hellz no! They all be reading about decorative flower placematez, pumpkin stewz & the perfect recipe for a simply irresistible potpourri in one of those innumerable Home & Garden rip-off magazinez.

I just assume the muscle-brained beautiful people are staring @ pictures of derrrriciouz freshly baked bread and contemplating their next carb-splurge. But what do I read while werking out?! Nuffin'! I'm too busy looking at myself in the full-length mirrors, squinting and trying to pretend I look like dis:

Monday, January 31, 2011

My Monday Muse


Asian Children

I know...y'all are probably like "WTFingSkatez?!" How can an entire nation's youth be a Monday Muse?! What makes Asian kidz better than non-Asian kidz? And for dat matter, what makez Asian kidz better than Asian adultz?!

Firstly, adultz are douchebagz, so duh chillunz win that battle. But in regards to the other question, and if we're gonna be stereotyping douchenozzlez, Asian people are better @ math, technology & orchestrial talentz than non-Asians, but if we're gon' be ethical & responsible memberz of society (I swurrr I am trying to be one), we'd instead watch deez adowable little ragamuffinz let the youth of the nation enlighten our mindz!...

The Crying Clown

Rice Milk Spokesman

Spongebob Mania

So are you (and by you I mean, any non-Asian readerz out there) feeling completely inferior yet?! You SHOULD BE! Asian chillunz are da best, and here's why:

Their devotion is unmatched. Sure, Crying Clown might have dropped his Fla-Vor-Ice on the ground or love his favo Pokémon card, but dat doesn't stop him from putting on his flashy clownsuit and nailing every goddamn dance move with chiseled excellence. Asslipz Shitzon should take some notez!

Think you're convincing? Are you a self-assured businessman with the world in the palm of yo mano?! Get bent! You're not even worthy to drank the crusted rice milk residue at the bottom of the Rice Milk Spokesman's sippy cup! What conviction! I know his strategic sales pitch has me baited & hooked to the point where I'd be able to look past the malnourished old man on the label and buy that nasty rice crap any way!

American kidz are such snobby pricks. Spoiled and whiny, I fear having kidz and then having my feelings demolished by the lookz of dissatisfaction that are sure the grace their pusses Christmas morning. Red, white & blue kidz are selfish and never happy wiff what they got. Asian kidz though? As Spongebob Mania clearly showz us, cute Asian kidz aren't just content with busted ass st00pid McDonalds toys...but they are balls-to-the-wall-shitstorm-screaming THRILLED. Damn...imagine how much their parents save on holiday presentz [feat. how much they have to then spend on earplugz].

So conclusion, Asian children are pretty much the greatest people on Earth*.

*female popstars were not included because we all know that nuffin' trumps them!

Who is your Monday Muse of January 2011?!
The God Warrior?
Makenzie the Beauty Queen?
Chatterboxxxing Animalz?
or this week's Asian Children!?